Happy Three Years, Bubs! Alternate Title: Why Marriage is Worth It.

Three years ago today Greg and I tied ourselves one big freaking knot.  We wrapped it good, tightened it all the way, and then we held on for dear life.

It is very hard to write about my marriage.  To express the joys and be honest about the work it requires while also being fair, accurate, and kind to all parties involved (Ahem, Greg.)

I suspect that anyone who is in a long term relationship understands.  There are so many nuances to a marriage, it can be impossible to describe.  I never want to give off the idea that our marriage is perfect.  It is happy, yes, but it certainly has its flaws.  I never want to act like it's easy, but at the same time I don't want to give the impression that it's the hardest damn thing I've ever done and that I'm miserable.  I'm not.  I'm happy.  Very very very happy.  But it's a happiness that has come because of work, sacrifice, and thoughtfulness on both parts.  It is not happiness that has come without tears or without doubts or without struggle.

In January I wrote this post on the truth about our first year of marriage.  I shared with you many of the conflicts and struggles that we have in our marriage and told you how we have overcome them and worked (and continue to work around) our many differences.  I told you that it isn't always easy, but it is worth it.

I had one unmarried friend from high school who commented on my facebook post and said something along the lines of it, "Thanks for sharing this Bonnie, but I would love to know why it's worth it.  What about marriage makes it worth fighting through all of that?"

I have thought about that a lot since.  It seems our society is increasingly devaluing marriage.  Television sitcoms of married people are often about naggy couples and annoying children while the single life is portrayed as glamorous and exciting.  Our culture pushes the message that marriage isn't valuable, that it's a lot of work, and that in the end, it really isn't "worth it."  With more than 50% of marriages today ending in divorces, and many of the "working" marriages seemingly unhappy, it makes sense why many people are less enthused about committing to marriage.

So today, in celebration of our anniversary and the three best years of my life, I want to answer my friend's question.  Because if anyone asked me if marriage is worth it I would answer in a heartbeat, "Yes!"

WHY MARRIAGE IS "WORTH IT"

1.  Somebody warms up the bed for you.
2.  You don't have to stress about money alone anymore.
3.  You are always somebody's first priority- the knowledge that you come before everything and everyone.
4.  The thought of moving or changing jobs or any big life changes aren't nearly as scary when you're doing it with someone instead of alone.
5.  You can binge on your favorite shows on Netflix together.
6.  There will never be anyone with whom you share so many inside jokes.
7.  Sex.
8.  Summer nights where you play volleyball together for three hours and then come home and take a hot shower and put on your sweats and eat shaved ice while cuddling on the couch and watching reruns of How I Met Your Mother.
9.  Because you need a boy to vent all of your Bachelor rantings to even though he couldn't care less about the show.
10.  No one thinks your dog is as cute or as funny as he does.
11.  Hearing a song on the radio and thinking of him.
12.  Being told every day that you are loved.
13.  Sunday morning wrestling.
14.  Giggling so hard late at night in bed that your neighbors above you slam on the floor so you will shut up and go to sleep.
15.  Having someone to go on all your vacations with you.
16.  Sitting on the same side of the booth in restaurants.
17.  Waiting until you can hear your spouse coming home so you can hide behind the door and scare the living crap out of him.  At least once a week.
18.  Somebody helps you with laundry now.
19.  Extra presents on Christmas and Birthdays.
20.  You can 100% be yourself around your spouse and you don't have to worry that he won't like you or judge you or think you're annoying.
21.  When you're sick you have someone to make you soup and cuddle you on the couch.
22.  Back massages.
23.  Having someone to say your prayers with at night.
24.  Always having somebody there to talk to when you are frustrated/disappointed/depressed/stressed.
25.  Coming home and being surprised by a clean house.
26.  Getting dolled up for dates and hearing him say how pretty you look.
27.  Flowers for Valentine's Day and anniversaries.
28.  Climbing on the roof every fourth of July to watch the fireworks.
29.  Knowing that someone is making sacrifices for you and putting you first.
30.  Holding hands on walks with the dog.
31.  The security of planning a trip in November and knowing that your travel buddy will still be around in July when you go on the trip.
32.  Planning a family together.
33.  Making fun of corny tv together.
34.  You get to wear a purty ring all the time.
35.  Having someone to talk about all of your plans and goals for the future.
36.  Knowing there is someone out there who will drop everything right that second to be there for you if need it.
37. Seeing a tiny human squirm around in your belly and knowing that you made that together.
38. Knowing there is someone there who will hold you until you're done crying.
39. Having something to look forward to every weekend.
40. Spooning in the mornings.
41.  Having someone say to you "Drive Safe" and knowing that they mean it.
42.  Taxes are easier and you get more money back when you're married.
43. Life's disappointments don't seem so grave with a partner by your side.
44.  He is strong when you are weak and you are strong when he is weak.  You have someone to strengthen you and buoy you up when you need it.
45. Couples Halloween costumes.
46. Having someone around who is just as protective of you as your dad was.
47. Having one person who knows exactly how bat s@$% crazy you are and loving you anyway.
48. Buying a candy bar at the gas station because you know he likes it.
49. You always have someone to share a tube with at water parks.
50. When you wake up from a bad dream you feel safe seeing your spouse lying in bed next to you.
51. Always having a tennis partner.
52.  Deciding spur of the moment to go to a Saturday matinee.
53.  Having someone to support you in your big, crazy dreams.
54.  Loving someone with every single thing in you and knowing that he feels the exact same way about you.

Yes... those are just a few of the reasons why marriage is "worth it..." (I meant to just do 50 and then got a little carried away.  Oops!)

Happy three years, Bubs!  Can't wait for many, many more. XOXOXO.

Our first year of marriage: The truth.

In March Greg and I will celebrate three years of marriage.

To us it feels like we've finished a damn marathon.  Marriage has worked us into the ground, it has pushed us to our physical and emotional limits, we've wanted desperately to quit at times.  It's been extremely trying, but in the same breath, unimaginably rewarding.  After three years we feel like we have accomplished quite the feat.  We are, after all, still alive.

On paper, Greg and I seem like we would have no problems in a marriage.  We are the same race, from the same county, practicing same religion.  We studied similar subjects in college (Theatre and English) and we have disgustingly similar senses of humor.  We are both middle class raised by two parents in Utah.  So adjusting to married life should be relatively easy, right?

It wasn't.  It was hard.

I have heard other people say that the first year of marriage was tough for them, too.  How tough- I have no idea- I have only seen the inside of my own marriage.  For me, this is one of the most difficult things about marriage.  There is nothing to compare it to, no benchmark to make sure we are all doing okay.  Is this how often "normal couples" fight?  How often "normal couples" go out?  What "normal couples" talk about?  Is my marriage healthy or unhealthy?  It's a marriage- that's about all I know for sure.

Greg and I have come a long way, and it is only after a couple of years and lots on introspection that I am even able to write about our sometimes tumultuous first year of marriage.  I write about this for a couple of reasons- I want my children to have a better understanding of their parents and to understand the struggles and conflicts that we went through.  I want them to know we fought tooth and nail for our family. Secondly, I want to be honest and truthful to readers who may have experienced or may be currently experiencing similar conflicts in relationships.  It seems kind of dumb for Greg and I to have worked so hard only to use the information to benefit for ourselves.  And so, in a post shining plenty of light on our faults and flaws, I will share with you not only our struggles and disagreements that first year, but how we worked through them.

Conflict #1:  Greg is an introvert, I am an extrovert.  When we were dating, this hardly mattered as we were so intoxicated with each other that it didn't much matter how we spent our free time.  Honestly, we spent a lot of time making out.  We couldn't have cared less who else was around.  We were also on our best behavior, always anxious to please the other. 3D action movie that I have zero desire to see?  You bet!  Dinner with your entire 85 members of your extended family?  I'd love to!  I never realized that when we were together Greg was expending energy, and that he used our time apart to recharge.  An extrovert like myself gets energy from being around people- I assumed it was the same for Greg.  When we got married I was shocked (and hurt) that he would rather sit home on a Friday night and watch a movie than go out with a crowd.  I was bugged that he didn't want to go to dance parties; he was upset that cuddling on the couch with him wasn't enough for me.  I still remember six or seven months into our marriage a Halloween argument.  After a long day of school, work, and rehearsal I was desperately trying to convince Greg to dress up and go to a costume party with me.  He begged to stay home and watch a scary movie and pop popcorn instead.  I wouldn't budge.  We were going out, dang it!  Exasperated, Greg shouted out, "Bonnie!  I don't like parties!"  I remember feeling total confusion- who was this man?
"WHAT?!  YOU ALWAYS WENT TO PARTIES WITH ME WHEN WE WERE DATING!"
"Because I was trying to impress you!  But I don't like them!"   It was a revelation to me, and not the good kind.
If I had my way we would party hard all weekend long every weekend.  If Greg had his way we'd nap and watch Netflix and never leave the apartment.  I can't tell you how many arguments we have had that have in some way stemmed from the introvert/extrovert issue.

How we compromise:  
Greg is always willing to do an extroverted activity with me IF I give him enough time to mentally prepare for it.  If I want dinner with a group of friends on Sunday I need to tell him by Wednesday or Thursday.  I have learned to always give him a few days of "prep".  If it's a big thing, like a week at my family cabin, I tell him as soon as possible- two or three months in advance.  When the event comes Greg has stored up the mental energy to handle the event.  It is when I spring stuff on him last minute that the argument and hurt feelings start up.  Greg has also learned that there are certain times I am more likely to be high energy and to give me "prep time" as well.  If he has play rehearsal all day Saturday he will often tell me, "Tonight when I get home I am just going to want to hang out with you and watch a movie.  I would love for you to do something more high energy this afternoon with your friends or sisters so that you don't feel cooped up and are okay with staying home with me tonight."  I think this will be a constant struggle throughout our marriage, but it gets easier all the time.

Conflict #2:  Money money money.  Greg and I have very different views on money.  In short, I am a saver, he's a spender.  He likes to have a good time and live for today- if we can pay for a movie why not go to it?!  I am the total opposite- we just got a check for $900, how dare you buy a $4 burger?!  Greg could lose $50 and never notice.  If someone owes me $2.50, I never forget.  So many of our first arguments were over me stressing about money, and Greg frustrated that I was sucking the fun out of everything.  We'd go to a restaurant and I'd frown disapprovingly at his expensive entree choice.  I would badger him, "You went to Wendy's again?" when he'd walk in with fast food.  I'd insist he didn't really need new jeans- he got a new pair last year.  I got bothered by Greg's total lack of interest in money- spreadsheets, budgets, credit cards, interest rates had absolutely no appeal to him.  He couldn't handle the constant nagging.  "Don't you want to know how much money we've saved this month?"  I'd ask excitedly.  "Not really, Bon Bon, but do you want to go to Olive Garden tonight?"

How we compromise:  Greg has gotten SO much better about finding small ways to cut costs because he knows it's important to me.  My heart melts when I see him using a coupon or ordering water at a restaurant instead of soda or turning down the heat so we can save on our gas bill.  It doesn't come naturally to him, and I know he couldn't care less about paying the extra few dollars, but he does it because he loves me.  Likewise, I try to be better about loosening up on the budget and not sucking the fun out of everything by worrying about money.  I let us pay full price for movies (gasp!) and we even sometimes splurge on popcorn (double gasp!)  I am still pretty uptight about finances, but I am trying to ease up and Greg is getting much better at not stopping so much for fast food.  (Greg's credit card bill is spent entirely on fast food and gas stations.  He could spend an entire year's wage on gas station snacks and be happy as a clam.)

Conflict #3:  Not knowing how to fight fair.  I'm convinced that half of the struggle in our first year of marriage was caused by not understanding how the other person dealt with conflicts.  I like to get arguments over with right away so when we would have a disagreement I was right in Greg's face, demanding answers and apologies.  Greg always retreated (I think this is a boy/girl thing?) and wanted space from me.  This made me more mad, that he wasn't more anxious to resolve the conflict and that he would let the issue continue by not taking care of it immediately.
"I don't want this going on all night!  Let's resolve it right now!" I'd insist.  
"Bonnie, I need some space."  Greg would go into the other room.
I'd follow him.  "No!  I want to enjoy the rest of our night.  Why are you acting like this?"
"I'm too upset.  Leave me alone."
"TALK TO ME!"
"STOP TALKING TO ME!"
So many of our fights escalated like wildfire and before I knew what was happening a tiny disagreement about Sunday dinner turned into a full blown battle.  Most of our problems that year had nothing to do with the actual "problem" but with in our dealing with the problem.

How we compromise:  I have gotten much better at not pushing Greg's buttons.  When he gets short or snappy, I simply remove myself from the conversation and start doing something else.  It's never long before he approaches me ready to talk about it.  Once I learned to give Greg space in an argument everything got so much easier.  Our disagreements are solved four times faster than they were before and they never escalate to the epic proportions they once did.  Greg has gotten so much better about saying sorry and admitting fault.  He has also gotten better about  not "shutting off".  I think he knows know that while I am willing to give him time in an argument, he needs to be willing to come out of his cocoon soon and talk to me.

Conflict #4:  Time with family.  Greg and I live close to both of our families which is a huge blessing.  We love being so close and feeling their support.  It also brings with it some difficulties.  Greg comes from a family of two children and I come from a family of eight children so the mere size of our families took a lot of getting used to.  Greg's family (consisting of his parents, brother and his wife, and me and Greg) goes out to eat, stays up late watching tv and talks about dogs a lot.   My family has massive family dinners and sits around a house and talks while 25 children scream in the background.  Greg felt like a stranger at my family get togethers of 100 second cousins and nieces once removed.  I got lonely with Greg's small family when no one wanted to play a game with me.  I was offended when Greg would rather spend time with his family, he likewise when I preferred mine.

How we compromise:  We love each other's families now.  This one I just think takes time and love.  Now Greg is defensive and protective of my mom, he jokes with my brothers, he adores my nieces and nephews.  I can't get enough of the crazy thing Greg's dad says, his mom couldn't be sweeter and more loving and I love hanging with his brother and wife.  It just took us time to realize how great each other's families were.

There were (and are) more issues, of course, but gosh, I'm exhausted reliving the first year.  I learned so much those first twelve months and continue to learn every day.  Marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done, but by far the most rewarding.  The more time that passes in our marriage the better it gets so I take that as a good sign.  I can't imagine how freaking awesome year 30 is going to be.  As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts.  Did you (or do you) struggle with the same issues we did?

 What was the hardest thing for you to adjust to in your marriage/ long term relationship?

 

Quoth he, quoth I

Things I legitimately have to say to him:
+ Go back in the bathroom right now and flush the toilet.
+ Did you eat any vegetables?  I know you didn't.  You need to have some.  Please.
+ This is a serious conversation, Greg.  We need to talk without you doing that accent. Seriously, stop it.
+ Do you have any idea how much you've spent on the credit card this month?  You're spending way too much!
+ You can't just have soda and chocolate for dinner.
+ Will you play "Risk" with me?  Please?  I'll pay you.
+ Have you seen my keys?


Things he legitimately has to say to me:
+ Are you wearing your seat belt?
+ Please don't bring that coke in to the movie theaters in your purse.  You know that's against the rules.  I'll act like I don't know you if you do.
+What did I tell you about grabbing my butt in public?
+ I don't want you rolling down the window to scream at those people.  Seriously, Bonnie, don't.  Don't don- That's it, I'm putting the child lock on.
+ How fast are you driving?  Are you going the speed limit?  I don't believe you.  Slow down.
+ You're talking way too loud right now.  Everyone can hear you.
+ Have you seen my keys?

When it comes down to it we're just a couple of little kids trying to figure out how to be grown ups.  It ain't easy.

P.S.  Share the most insane thing your significant other has legitimately had to say to you or vice versa.  The best ones will be highlighted on the blog on Wednesday.

To be married

A few nights ago I couldn't find my toothbrush, but Greg's toothbrush was (for whatever odd reason) lying on the bedroom floor, so I picked it up and brushed my teeth with it.  No harm no foul, right?

And then it dawned on me.  What a weird thing. To live with a boy who is sometimes smelly and always nice, and then  find his toothbrush on the floor and just up and use it.  Shucks! This is what it is to be married?  To exchange knowing looks across a crowd full of people. To argue over what kind of dog to get.  To learn a new recipe because it's his favorite. To wait for him before you watch your favorite new episode on Hulu.  To stand up for him. To beg for a massage. To get so mad at him you could scream. To clean the whole house and buy decorations and wait for him to get home and notice. To wonder when you are going to have babies. To tell him to stop spending so much. To miss him when you haven't talked for eight hours. To laugh at an inside joke. To know exactly what his hand feels like in yours.  To yell at him to get into the other lane. To take a hot bath with him. To beg him to go to a wedding reception with you. To feel pride when he eats all the food you have cooked. To pray for his happiness. To watch Transformers with him even though you hate that movie.  To have a favorite restaurant together. To throw his clothes in the laundry. To ask him to pick up a diet coke for you on his way home.  To tell him to turn off the damn alarm.  To run your fingers through his hair. To plead with him not to get mad when you lose the keys. To make all big life decisions together. To put his name on all of your "emergency contact" forms. To feel his disappointment as your own. To laugh at his stupid jokes.  To feel safe when he is there. To swear at him when he beats you in tennis. To beg forgiveness when you hurt his feelings. To ask what he thinks of your new haircut. To record a basketball game on TV for him. To wear a dress because you know he likes the way it looks on you. To go to dinner with his parents. To know his smell. To follow him around the house arguing that you are right and he is wrong. To give him the hamburgers to throw on the grill. To know who his favorite actor is. To complain that he's hogging all the covers. To pick up his towel off the floor. To show him a new favorite song that you love. To plan your life around his and his around yours. To steal quarters out of his pants pocket. To get mad at him for being late. To make him late.  To pick up his favorite candy bar at the store. To spoon in the morning. To listen to him tell stories to your niece. To go for a run together. To tell him he's the most stubborn person you've ever met. To take his last name. To painfully create a budget together. To hope he doesn't notice when you buy a new pair of shoes. To sip from his soda at the movie theater. To give love. To receive love. To always be his number one priority.

This is what it is to be married.

It's someone's birthday...!

Today is this boy's birthday.  He's turning the big 25 and if that ain't a reason to go buck wild with celebration, I don't know what is anymore!

One of the difficulties of language is that it is sometimes incapable of describing the depths of our emotions.  There are not always words to convey feelings.  How can simple words explain everything this boy means to me?

But I'll try.

Greg is my rock that is always constant and that I can trust with anything, who I know would never lie, would always do what is right.

He is my best friend who jokes and does accents and crazy voices and makes me laugh until my tummy hurts.

He is my teacher who corrects me when I'm acting like a brat who shows me how to treat people you love who is kind and loving even when someone doesn't deserve it who even taught me to love dogs.

He is my support who goes along with any crazy scheme I might have who encourages me to write and blog and teach crazy seventeen year olds and do anything my little heart desires.

He is my playmate who goes fishing with me and takes me to the water park and plays a hundred and one board games with me because he knows I love games.

He is my provider who makes future plans with me who yearns for a house full of babies who sacrifices his own wants and dreams for a stable career field and a family of our own.

He is my lover who scratches my back and tells me I'm beautiful and kisses me softly and promises to grow old with me.

He is my favorite travel partner who bikes around Paris with me and jumps off rocks with me in Mexico and even hikes a waterfall with me in Hawaii.

He is my intellectual partner who analyzes books and movies with me and listens and approves my teaching ideas and shares my passion for Shakespeare.

He is my spiritual giant who shows me what it really means to have a love of God and fellow men, who has the biggest heart of any man I've ever known, who would give the shirt off his back for someone in need.

He is my everything.



Happy Birthday, love!

Marriage: The good, the bad, and the fighting.

I would always like to know a lot more about people's lives than they are willing to let on.

Some might say I'm a busy body.
I say I have a genuine interest in people.

I'm especially interested in marriage.  And other people's marriages.  And how everybody in this great, big world make their marriages work.  Marriage is one of those things that I almost feel like people won't talk about very in depth.  Oh, don't get me wrong, people will talk about marriage, but it's always in these broad sweeping overstatements like "It just wasn't working out,"  or "We definitely have issues we don't see eye to eye on,"  or "Our marriage doesn't come easy, but we make it work."  In terms of specifics, what does any of that even mean?  And why don't people who have been married for years and years give more specific advice to us newbies in the field?

One thing I wonder about a lot is how other couples deal with disagreements.  In other words, fighting.  Do Hubs and I argue more than the average couple?  Less?  We definitely go through patches where it seems like we argue about anything and everything, and then there are patches where we live peacefully week after week after week, floating in a state of seemingly endless bliss.  Do all couples follow a pattern like this or is it just us?

Right now I am making a conscious effort to "bicker" less with Hubs.  You know, to stop picking fights with the boy.  Growing up, my siblings used to tell me that I just liked to argue, it didn't matter what the issue was, I would fight it to the death.  Of course I didn't believe them, they were all morons in my book, but as I have grown and married I have wondered if this is true.  How many times does it even matter what I am arguing and how many times am I arguing for the sake of arguing?  Or for the sake of being right?

I was recently at a bridal shower where we played "Family Feud" bridal style.  One of the questions was "What are some of the biggest things married couples fight about?"  and then the top four answers were listed.  Can you guess what they are?  (Answers revealed tomorrow!)

What do YOU and your significant other fight most about?  Do tell.  Do tell.

P.S.  I'm opening up anonymous comments on this, just for the sake of truthful commenting.  Post anonymously if you want or post as yourself, whatever floats your boat, people!

P.P.S.  I have one large spot and two medium spots left for sponsorship in December.  Email me at lifeofbon@gmail.com if you are interested.  (Sponsor info here)

P.P.P.S.  Happy Monday back from Thanksgiving.  Blah.  Double blah.

Babysitting Gone Bad

Friday, 5 pm
I was buried in my down comforter, in a world far far away where disciplining 16 year olds, surviving parent teacher conferences, and grading papers doesn't exist.  Somewhere in that half asleep/ half awake world I heard a commotion.  Footsteps.  Door.  Bang.  Something hitting a wall.  Grunt.  Backpack dropping.

"Bon!  I'm home!  I got a surprise!" 

"Leave me alone!  I'm sleeping."  I'm not exactly a sweetheart when I'm tired.

"Bons!  Wake up!  Look!  Look! Look!  I brought something home for you!" 

Fine.  I mean, who could resist that?  I lifted my head high off the pillow and poked around the corner to see this:

"We're babysitting him for the weekend!" Hubs declared.
"Babysitting?"
"Well,  you've been wanting a baby and all. So I thought we could practice this weekend!"  (It's true.  That one conference talk about kids got me momentairly-most-definitely hankering for a baby!)  "You see, we didn't have anywhere to put him before the show tomorrow,"  Hubs continued,  "so me and you get to watch him.  Come on...let's just pretend he's our kid.  It'll be fun.  I promise!" 

Not totally sold on the idea, I questioned  "So what exactly do we do when we babysit a giant teddy bear?"  "Whatever we want!"  Hubs declared, as he carefully arranged Big Bear to be laying on the couch with one arm in back of his head, sending out quite the sexy vibe.  "How would you like to wake up to this every morning?!?" Hubs pointed to the bear.

"I think it would be weird.  Are we still going out for dinner tonight?"  I was obviously less enthused than Hubs.

"Well, we can't now.  We have to baby-sit!"

"You're joking."

"Or I guess we could take him with us."

"Take him with us?!?"  I freaked.  (Here's the honest truth.  I'm married to the guy, I know,  But I still can't always tell when Hubs is being straight with me or when he's pulling my leg.)

"Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Bon calm down.  I'm teasing," Hubs said as he moved the bear to the kitchen table.   "Let's feed him here, put him to bed, and then go out."

Finally I could see that Hubs wasn't about to budge and I better just play along and make this as painless as possible.  So we sat Big Bear at the table for awhile. About 20 minutes later, Hubs declared, "Alright, Big Bear ate.  We can go out now."

"Thank goodness," I said reaching for my purse.

"Oh, but wait!" Hubs interrupted, "We haven't put him to bed yet.  Silly us, we can't just let Big Bear stay awake while we go out.  Who knows what kind of mischief he could get into." 

So I waited again, while Hubs gently moved Big Bear to the couch, fluffed the pillow, and draped a blanket over the big guy.

Friday, 8 pm

Dinner at my favorite restaurant, Friday night, life could not be any better.
Actually... I take that back.  Life could get better.
Because somehow Big Bear was creeping his sneaky way into my romantic dinner conversation.
"Isn't he a cute bear?" Hubs wanted to know, "Doesn't he do the greatest things?"

"Yes, he does.  Have you seen the waitor?  He didn't bring any lemons."

"Isn't it going to be cute when he has little friends that he brings over?  And when he starts to talk and walk?"

"Yes, yes, now lets talk about me.  Or you.  Or anything besides the bear.  How was class today?"

"It was good, but the best part was getting the bear.  You should have seen everyone on campus when I was carrying Big Bear on my shoulders.  They were all looking and pointing and they thought it was so cute."

"You know what's cute?  You're cute..."  I could see I was quickly losing the battle.  Flirting might be the only way to bring the boy back to reality.

"Ah, thanks Bon.  You're the best.  What do you think Big Bear is doing at home right now?"

And thus the dinner conversation went. 

Friday, 11:30 pm

I was climbing into bed, excited to cuddle with Hubs and do nothing for the next eight or nine hours but sleep and snuggle.

"I wonder if I should sleep out on the couch with Big Bear.  I don't want him to be afraid." Hubs said.

"No.  You're sleeping in here."   My patience with the stuffed animal was long since gone.

"But, Bon, I need to take care of him."

"No you don't!  ME!  You need to take care of me!"  I snapped. 

"But, Bon, the bear needs attention."

And that was it.  Right there.  The moment he said the bear needed attention was the moment I truly lost it.

"ENOUGH!  I want Attention!  I need attention!  A BEAR does not need attention! Stop talking about that dumb thing.  All you ever do is think about him and talk about him and put all your energy on him!  And he's just a bear!  Will you just think about how that makes me feel?"

"Yah, that's true... I sure do love that bear.  Imagine how much I would love a child."

"Oh, you'd be bat crazy over a child!  I'd never get a lick of attention around here!"

"So... that probably means you don't still want a baby soon?"

"No!  I most certainly do not!  Six hours with that bear and I am convinced I am completely not ready to share you with kids!  Convinced, I say!"

Hubs chuckled to himself.  "Okay, Bon.  I'll sleep in the bed with you.  I think this is starting to get to you- we can stop pretending now if you want."

I breathed a deep sigh of relief.  "Thank you..."

He gave me a peck on the lips and then rolled over in bed.  He mumbled something.

And while I can't be certain, it sounded an awful lot like, "I knew it would work."

This post was originally published on October 11, 2011.

When I say "cut" you say "the cheese"

Dear mom:  Please don't read this post.

That being said, let's forge ahead.

Now, I know I am going to take some heat for this and who knows what mean things those anonymous lurkers are going to have to say on the subject, but hey, when you gotta get something off your back you gotta get something off your back, don't you?

The issue in question is farting.

Or, as my childhood best friend used to call it, "Cutting the cheese."  I can still hear her laugh now, in an army green 8 man tent camped along Scofield lake, "Bonnie!  Was that you that just cut the cheese?"  I always laughed uncontrollably, not only because of the fart but because of her word choice.  Cut the cheese?  Really?  Really?

I don't know why it is that I've always thought farts are so funny.  I'm sure my mother who raised us to be classy and proper and conservative finds it most disturbing that her daughter turned out this way.  I'd like to blame it on my four other brothers, but if I'm being honest, I don't think it had much to do with them at all.  Unless you count the time that Reed sat on my head.  That might have affected something.

I remember feeling a little bit guilty that I thought farts were so funny.  One day a friend told me about her brother and his wife who had been married for five years.  "Cody has never once farted in front of Brittany in their whole years of marriage.  Isn't that so sweet?"

I couldn't help but think to myself, "yes, that is sweet darn it!  As funny as I might think bodily functions to be, I need a husband who will respect my self respect!"  Or something like that?  I vowed then and there to catch myself such a Hubs that would never do such an atrocious deed in front of his darling, petite wife.

Good news is I caught such a husband.
Bad news is said husband didn't catch such a wife.

Now before I go any further, I think I should point out that I don't think I'm gross or classless or stinky any of those yucky things.  My stomach just hurts sometimes.  And heck, I'm married to the boy, so shouldn't I have the comfort of being comfortable?  Poor Hubs, he just rolls his eyes or exclaims, "Bonnie!" or acts like he has been mortally offended.  I get he doesn't love it, but I can think of a lot grosser crimes. (Handicapped parking for one, you know what I'm saying?!?)  I know others who would disagree with me.  Hubs being one of them.  He never farts around me.  In his own words he "does everything possible to avoid it."  And I do appreciate it, I do.  But I also think our marriage would be just as kick butt (no pun intended) if he didn't feel the need to hold it in.

So what do ya'll think?  Should bodily functions be something that you keep totally private, even within a marriage?  Or is anything fair game now that you've tied the knot or are living together?  Would you or have you let one loose in front of your significant other?  And why are so many people so bothered about it?

To mow the lawn



We have a couple of items of business today.  Follow along while I make this short and snappy.

 

ITEM OF BUSINESS #1:  I've got just a few spots still open for Sponsorship in September.  Hurry your little buns over to reserve your place.  Think about it, September really is the best time to sponsor because now that I'm going back to work, I'll have a whole football field of students who will inevitably stalk me on twitter, find my blog, and start reading it religiously.  Lots of potential traffic!  Also, teenagers are idiots, you can tell them anything and they'll believe you, so I'm basically giving you 500 people who you can make do whatever you want.  Who doesn't want 500 teenagers alongside their $8 sponsorship?  Check out the deets here and email me at lifeofbon@gmail.com if you're interested.

 

ITEM #2:  Eryka has been my blogging buddy since the early days.  She was the first person I contacted about doing a post swap, and I tell you I was terrified out of my mind!  Now she's opening her own shop and because she's a total doll face, she wants to give some away to you lovelies.  She's giving away one shop item to three different people.  Three winners, oh my, can you even imagine?!?

 

Mandatory: Like "Made with Love" on facebook

Mandatory: Like "Life of Bon" on facebook.

Mandatory:  Comment saying you have done those two things.

Extra: Follow ABCDE Blog

Extra: Follow Eryka on twitter

Extra: Like "ABCDE" on facebook

Extra: Follow Life of Bon on GFC

Extra: Follow @thelifeofbon on twitter

Extra: Follow The Life of Bon on bloglovin

Extra: Share this post on facebook.

Extra: Share this post on twitter.

 

Possible nine entries!

 

 

 

Leave a comment for each one you do.   Old fashioned style. The giveaway ends Tuesday at 7:40 am.  because that's when I officially start teaching and there has to be something to get me through that Hellish hour.

 

You can also get a 10% off discount to the shop by using the code MWL10OFF

 

ITEM OF BUSINESS #3:  A love story.

 

I fell in love with Hubs the weekend he mowed the lawn.

 

We'd been dating a mere three weeks.  I took him home to meet my mom.  She seemed impressed.  Impressed enough to say, "Well, Greg, I hate to say this but if you're ready and willing, I do have some work for you."

 

She laughed.

Hubs laughed.

 

"Could you mow the lawn?"  She was obviously serious about this.

 

Hubs was confused, no doubt.  He gave a quizzical look and stumbled just a bit before rebounding completely, "Sure... I'm here to work... afterall..."

 

The next morning, Hubs was up bright and early, making perfectly straight lines in the grass, back and forth, back and forth.  He came in smelling like grass and sweat and man.  I remember giving him a hug right then and there in the middle of the kitchen, thinking how sweet he was to mow the lawn of a woman who's daughter he barely knew.

 

And I thought, "I hope this man is around to mow the lawn for the rest of my life."

 

That's why when Hubs offered to mow my mom's lawn this week, I couldn't help but follow him out and watch as he mowed- cutting perfectly straight lines, back and forth.  He gave me a small, boyfish wave that reminded me so much of that summer morning two years ago when I first fell in love.

  

Everything you've ever wanted to know about MY HONEYMOON!

Did you ever wonder about my honeymoon?  Did you ever stand there, while making dinner, mixing onion in with that ground beef, and let your thoughts run away with you?  Did you ever start pondering, "How was Bon Bon's honeymoon?  What did she do?"  Did you ever wonder how long my honeymoon was?  Or where we went?  I'm sure you have.  It's a normal thing to wonder, folks.

Today you're in luck because I am going to fill you in on the gory honeymoon details.  Hold on to your seats, gals, this is going to be good!

(Interesting side note- we forgot to take our camera on our honeymoon.  I therefore paid a completely outrageous price for a disposable camera at Catalina Island. Twenty four poor quality pictures are all the evidence that we have of our honeymoon.  The pictures that you see below are actually pictures of the pictures from the disposable camera (you still with me?) so let me just tell you that they are not the best quality pictures you have ever seen.  They just might be the cutest, though.)

The honeymoon week was my favorite week of all time.  Yes, there were the normal reasons- a week off of work, a complete escape from reality, no one calling me, spending 24/7 with Hubs after months of self control. But it is also my favorite for another reason... because it ended up being nothing like we thought it would be. AKA everything that could have went wrong did.  This was not our fault, however.  This was the fault of the travel agent, Larry.  You see, Hubs decided to go with a travel agent because Larry was an old acquaintance of Hubs' and Hubs figured, "I've got enough hooplah to worry about with this crazy woman and her engagement frenzy, so I'll let someone else worry about the honeymoon."  And he did.

Problem is that Larry had a few tricks up his sleeve.  We were supposed to go on a seven day cruise.  Five days before the wedding, I was in the middle of teaching a creative writing class and my phone started vibrating off the hook in the my desk.  My students always know when my phone vibrates because as one of them so eloquently stated, it sounds like "a robot farting."  I chose to ignore it, but it kept vibrating and vibrating and vibrating.  But people, you can't ignore a robot fart forever so eventually I had to answer.

On the other line was an absolute panicked Hubs.  "Bonnie!  Larry called!  Our cruise has been cancelled!  We have no honeymoon!" (Later I realized the cruise has most likely not been "cancelled" but that Larry had never booked us on the cruise to begin with)  I tried to reassure Hubs and finally after a lot of frenzied phone calls and a lunch period spent on the phone and NOT eating my tuna fish sandwich, we had figured out another option.  Larry could get us a 4 day cruise.  We would stay in a hotel in L.A. the first day.  We would get a refund for the downgraded cruise.  Everything was going to be okay.

From that point on there were problems, problems, and more problems with the honeymoon.  We got married on a Saturday and stayed at a hotel in Salt Lake.  Our plane left for California the next morning at 7 am.  On daylight savings...  Making it feel like it was actually 6 am.  Now I don't know if you've ever been married, but the last thing you want to do the morning after is drag yourself out of bed at 4:30 am.  All the way to the airport, I elaborately plotted ways I could kill him.

Once we were at our hotel in L.A., Hubs noticed a charge from his bank account.  Apparently, Larry was using Hubs' account to pay for the hotel instead of using the extra money from our downgraded cruise.

The real kicker was when we got to our cruise cabin.  There was no queen bed, no ocean view like we had originally bought and planned for.  Instead there were two twin beds.  One on top of the other.  Bunk beds.  For our honeymoon.

Que romantico!

We spent the honeymoon trying to share one twin bed, and I guess it was romantic and cute in its own way, even if I did get many an elbow to the face.  When we look back on it now I say, "How did we ever share a twin bed?"
Hubs reply: "We were in love"
"We're still in love now!"
"Yah, but then we were in twin bed love."
I guess the man is right.  We were in twin bed love, and maybe that's the only way we could have survived it.

At this point in the ballgame, all Hubs and I could do was laugh.  "That Larry!  He sure did get the best of us!"  When you're in love and you're on your honeymoon I guess anything can go wrong and you'll be happy.  From then on, everything that went wrong we blamed on Larry.

"Oh man, we're late for dinner!  This is Larry's fault!"
"Hubs, you're feeling sick?  Larry, I am so sick of you screwing everything up for us!"
"We just got ripped off by a Mexican selling fake vanilla?  Larry, you will pay for this!"

And somehow, the trend has continued on throughout our marriage... even a year and a half after the big honeymoon, we still try to blame everything on Larry.

I forgot to do the dishes?  It was Larry.
Hubs didn't call to tell me he'd be late for dinner?  It was Larry.
I got another speeding ticket?  It was Larry.

And that my friends, is the secret to a successful marriage.  Have a scapegoat.

(And P.S.... six months later we finally got the $600+ back that Larry owed us, thanks to the help of my lawyer brother.  Sometimes you just gotta be persistent!)

My husband thinks I look like Beavis

Every marriage has its issues.

This weekend it was brought to light that mine might have bigger problems than most.  This was discovered when Hubs said, "Bon!  Bon!  Hold still!  I want to draw a picture of you!"  Like any self respecting woman, I reveled in the attention and smiled gladly at the opportunity to have my portrait drawn!  I rested my chin on my hand, fluttered my eyelashes sweetly, and did my best to look like the adorable wife that I truly am.

"There!"  Hubs announced proudly when he was finished with the drawing.  I looked over to see this staring demonically back at me:

Naturally, there were many, many questions racing through my little head.

1.  Are my nostrils really that big?

2.  Why the black demon eyes?  Is it supposed to be symbolic of what I represent to Hubs?

3.  What's with the weird fist?  Is this, again, some kind of symbol?  Do I rule with an iron fist?  Is Hubs trying to tell me that I am a strong and powerful woman or that I scare the crap out of him?

4.  Is there a reason I have no fingers?

5.  The very high forehead- was that necessary?

6.  Is this really what my  hair looks like to Hubs?  Because, you know, I really do work hard to style that every day.  And if it's just coming out looking like that... well, I might just throw in the towel.

7.  What's with the... ahem... chest area?  Seriously Hubs?  Is that really what my feminie parts look like to you?

8.  My right arm.  Where is it?

9.  Why are my eyebrows such hairy bushes?  Please, Hubs, you know I take great pains to tweeze those bad boys!  Cut me some slack around here!

10.  Is that a mole hair coming off of my chin?

The more I looked at it, the more I couldn't help but think that I bear a striking resemblance to Beavis.  Minus the cleavage, of course.

Am I right or right?

Which has left me to wonder, is this how my husband perceives me?  Does he look at me and see only a slightly more feminine version of Beavis?

But you know what?  The whole experience was not in vain because I learned something this weekend.  Something that I can share with you readers that can improve all of our lives.

If you want your self esteem in tact, never ever EVER under any circumstances allow your husband to draw a portrait of you.

That is all.

I HOPE YOU HAVE A MISERABLE FOURTH

Oh... sorry about that title.

I don't know what got over me.

What I mean to say is....


HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!

This was us last year, chillaxing on the roof, watching fireworks, and loving life.

Ah, that Hubs!  Always making me laugh!

And in case you were wondering what I wore in Argentina on the Fourth of July, here it is, folks!  It doesn't get much cuter than this, does it?  Which makes me wonder, why don't I do a fashion blog?!?

I am grateful to live in America because of:

- Freedom of Religion
- Freedom of Speech
- Freedom to vote in my president
- Public education- to be a student of it and then a teacher of it
- Honest policeman, judges, and juries (for the most part)
and of course...
- Freedom to have a bloggy blog about whatever I want!

Men are from Mars...

You know the golden rule, right?  The whole "Treat others like you would like to be treated" thing...
Well I'll tell you right now, that when it comes to marriage, that is a straight up lie.
Hubs does NOT like to be treated like I do.  And I do NOT like to be treated like he does.  I was confused our first few months of marriage why he wasn't overjoyed when I would do things for HIM that would make ME completely happy.  What?  You're not totally stoked that I hung up cute curtains?  Why aren't you doing cartwheels because of the cool shirt I just bought you?  How did you not notice our new scented candle, ya jerk?!?!

It's taken a little while, but I think I've figured out a few of the areas where I should definitely not do to Hubs as I would have him do to me.

1.  I love myself a good tickle/ caress.  I like it when Hubs gently tickles my back, my arm, my leg.  Being the good wife I am, I figure, hey, if I like this then he's gotta like it to!  So I start tickling Hubs' arm, ever so gently.  His response is "Stop it- that tickles."  "What, you don't like it when I touch you ever so softly that you would think a ladybug was crawling all over you?  You must be CRAZY!" I defend myself. On the other hand, when I want a back massage, Hubs goes to town, pressing, chopping, pulling.  "Wow, a little softer can you?!?" I cry.  But he doesn't get it, he just keeps kneading and rubbing- exactly the way he would like it.

2. When I need to vent to Hubs, I like it when he just listens.  The other day I was going off complaining about school, carpool, early mornings, you know, the daily grind.  Hubs started immediately listing a bunch of solutions.  I was bugged.  "Hey Crazy boy!  Zip it!  I don't want you to FIX the problem, I just want you to LISTEN to the problem.  Don't you know anything!?!?"   In contrast, a few days ago we were cruising around in the car and Hubs was talking about a lot of the things that were stressing him out.  I listened just like I would want him to listen to me.  "Well, say something!  Don't just sit there and listen!  I want your advice!"  Hubs bursted. I was shocked.  He actually wanted me to reply?   I just thought he needed to vent.

3.  When we're having an argument I always assume the best thing I can do is get real close to Hubs and smother him with love and kisses and attention while we work it out.  It always makes me feel better to get lots of attention when I'm sad, so why wouldn't it help Hubs?  On the contrary, he prefers to be left alone, to mull it over, to have some space.  But when I'm upset and Hubs gives me space I'm completely offended.  HELLO!?!?  Doesn't he realize that I need to be coddled, loved, cared for?  I'm upset, is he blind?!?  Come to find out, Hubs always thought he was being polite by giving me space and time to myself.  And here I was, getting all hot and bothered by it.

Sometimes when I think about it I'm completely shocked that any two people have the audacity to think that they can get married and just merge two completely lives.  So many differences to work through, compromises to make, and lessons to learn from.  So... how about you?  How are you and your husband most different?  Anything you love that he just absolutely hates?

P.S.  Don't forget to sign up for this sweet giveaway that closes tomorrow.  The number of entries is low meaning you are most definitely going to win!

Can't get enough of Bon?  

Check out:

Five sneaky little foods you think are healthy but aren't

Death threats to the President

Five ways to STAY in Love

This is a guest post I did a couple of weeks ago.  I was rereading it today and realized, Hey!  I actually had a lot of good old fashioned intelligence in that post, and yet I never shared it with my very own readers.  They need to learn from me!  They must partake of my wisdom! 

Hence.  Here is it is.  Partake.

Hi.  I'm Bonnie.  I am a marriage and family scholar and counselor so naturally, I know everything about marriage.

Oh, I'm sorry, did I say I'm a marriage scholar?  Because I'm not.  That was a lie. 

Oh, and did I say I am a family counselor?  Yah... I'm not that either. 

Actually, if you're going to start hounding me for the truth, I might as well fess up. I know nothing about marriage or family except for the fact that I am in a marriage and I'm in a family.  But that counts for something right?

You see, I've been married barely over a year, and we have hiccups in our marriage all the time.  Every day even.  Roadblocks, problems, trials, things we gotta work through together.  I don't know everything, that's for sure, but I guess I know one or two things that I could share with you.  Or even three.  Or maybe five.  Yah.  Let's go with five.

Five Ways to Fall Stay in Love

(Because it's easy to fall.

But how easy is to stay falling forever?)

This is me and my husby. Some call him Greg.  I call him whatever I want.
This picture is proof that I am actually in a relationship
and not just some bum living in a trash can telling you how to live your life.

1.  EAT TOGETHER.  I think we often undervalue the importance of meal times.  It's easy to let other things get in the way, and dinner becomes something that often falls by the wayside.  Greg and I make it a priority to eat dinner together as often as we can.  This means sitting down at the table to eat without the TV, computer, and cell phones.  It is our time to talk, to catch up, to joke, and just to communicate.  Without dinner together, I wonder if we would ever have time to just talk.

2.  PLAY TOGETHER.   I'm a huge supporter of couples having their own identities and their own hobbies within a relationship.  However, I also strongly believe that there needs to be at least one or two recreational activities that a couple greatly enjoys doing together.  Greg and I both love volleyball, and we have a group of friends who we play with often.  For some it's rock climbing, for some it's biking, heck, even if it's a favorite TV show that you enjoy watching together, as long as it is something you both enjoy and that you enjoy doing WITH EACHOTHER.

(Parents, siblings, aunts and uncles.  Please skip number three.  Also students.)

3.  SHOWER TOGETHER.  Ow-ow, it's about to get steamy in here!  There is a powerful physical bond between married couples and it shouldn't be ignored or forgotten.  It needs to be given time and effort, just like any other part of a relationship.  In the beginning it comes oh-so-easily, but as soon as life and job and babies come along it gets harder and harder.  Make it a priority and make time to connect physically.

4.  CRY TOGETHER.  Some of mine and Greg's closest and most sacred bonding moments have been over great sorrow, disappointment, or heartache.  I know that when I am upset I can go to my husband.  I don't have to keep it in.  I share with him my struggles, and he shares with me his.  When I didn't get the job I wanted, we shared it together.  When Greg stressed over a relationship with a friend, we both stressed.  Someone else carries the weight with you, and suddenly it becomes much less of a burden.  

5.  PRAY TOGETHER.  Marriage is going to be hard no matter what.  It was never supposed to be easy to merge two completely lifestyles.  Everybody needs help in their marriage and everybody needs divine inspiration and guidance.  Of all the ways to bond with my husband- physcially, emotionally, intelligently- I think my favorite is spiritually.   I love hearing Greg pray for me and for struggles I'm going through, to know that he cares enough to take it up with God.  It's an incredible experience to pray with my husband, to feel close to him and closer to a higher power that is guiding your marriage.  

For more complete and utter wisdom on the topic of marriage you might want to check out Lessons at the Gyno, When Kim gets Divorced, and How to Not Kill Each Other the First Year of Marriage.

Also, because I know you care, here you can read about how I was affected by my favorite basketball team getting swept in the first round of the playoffs.

A Good Hubs

I have a condition.

It's called:  Hot Feet.

At night, my feet are subjected to a cruel form of firey hell.  I cannot get those buggers to cool down for the life of me.  Every night  I have to sleep with my feet hanging outside the covers, and even then, the feet just keep on burning, burning, burning. I toss them around desperately, constantly moving from here to there, trying to find that one inch of coolness left on the sheets.  My firey feet leave no part of the bed untouched and when I wake up in the morning, my feet are bright crimson red.  I have to sprinkle water on them just for a little relief.

Hubs has long suggested I go see a podiatrist about my condition.  Podiatrist = Foot doctor.  While I know this is what I should do, I can't quite bring myself to go marching on in to someone else's podiatry office.  You see, my dad made his living practicing podiatry, and I spent four years helping in his office.  I suppose I am not quite ready to have "another podiatrist" in my life.  I don't understand it completely, I just know that is is painful for me to go to a podiatrist's office.  I almost feel like I'm replacing my pop, finding someone new.  And I just can't do it yet.

While Hubs definitely doesn't understand any of this, (Who does?!?!) he is sweet not to push the issue.  I know he silently thinks I'm a weirdo but he smiles and gives me kisses all the same.

The other night I was dozing in and out of sleep, but my burning feet prevented me from being able to really nod off for good.  I tossed.  I turned.  I searched in aimless futility for that cool spot on my sheets.

Then. I felt something cold.  Oh so cold.  So cold and so refreshing and so absolutely wonderful. 

It was Hubs. standing at the foot of my bed, rubbing my feet with a wet wash cloth. 

He didn't say anything, he just rubbed, covering every spot of my poor feet.  Then, when he was done, he rinsed the washcloth with fresh, cold water and wrapped my feet so I could sleep soundly with my heels and soles surrounded by beautiful coolness.

And that is how you know you've got a good Hubs.



Now tell me, what was the weirdest part of the story?  The fact that I need a wet towel to be able to sleepat night or the fact that my husband stands at the edge of the bed while I'm sleeping?