How to Become a Fashion Blogger: You really need this!

Guys, I don't know if you know this, but I am so totally nailing it on the fashion blogging thing lately.  Like seriously rocking it.  It's so easy- I'm pretty much a pro at this point.  All you gotta do is get dressed and have whoever is around snap some pictures of you, right?  I know the rest of you are really struggling in your pursuit of fashion blogging queendom so I decided to help you out.  I present to you, everything you need to know to be the next big fashion blogger!  Thank me later, gals!

12 STEPS TO BECOMING A FASHION BLOGGER

1.  Pop your elbow or your knee. Or even better, both! It might feel a bit uncomfortable and weird, but trust me everyone will think you are so legit.  Hello fab!  (Oh, and never make a face like the one I'm making below.  Never.)

2.  Find a real photographer.  A self timer will only suffice for so long until people will realize you ain't the real deal.  You can't hide the stress that comes from running to your designated spot and trying to look cool as a cucumber in the picture.  People will see right through you!

3.  Wear bright lipstick.  Duh!  If your lips aren't bright red/ hot pink/ passionate purple you are so totally doing something wrong.

4.  If your budget is small, go to an expensive, gorgeous store (think Anthropologie or J. Crew) buy something, wear it for a picture, and then just take it back.  Everyone will think you're loaded AND that you've got mad style and you don't have to spend a cent! Win win!

5.  Try to stick your head out as much as possible for your pictures.  Your head may look a little big, but it's totally worth it because the rest of your body will look so little by comparison.  Everyone will think you're a skinny mini!  Take the picture below for example- my head: freakily huge and gross, right?  But my waist?  OMG it looks so skinny and cute I don't even care about how weird my head is!

6.  If you're feeling totally lost, remember these three things: polka dots, stripes, chevron.  You can't go wrong, my friend.  Nowdays anything goes (Hello, it's called pattern mixing!) so you can wear a striped top, a chevron skirt, and polka dot shoes.  You'll be getting compliments for daaaaaaaaaays!

7.  Don't wear sandals with socks.  Ever.  This isn't just a fashion blogging rule, but an overall life rule.  Break it and die.

8.  Don't wear white socks with dress shoes.  Don't wear socks with heels.  In fact, the only time you should wear socks is with sneakers.  And don't wear sneakers with a dress.  We all clear here?

9.  Maxi Maxi Maxi.  If you don't have at least three maxis in your closet, girl you shouldn't even be in the blogging world. Oh, and please don't jump for your pictures.  You'll look like a fool!

10.  Take pictures in the middle of the city.  No one will think it's weird when you stop for photos all by yourself and pose with your dainty little hand stroking your hair oh so gently. They'll think you're a celeb or even better, a model!

11.  If your makeup ain't looking too hot or you were up way too late, just throw a pair of sunglasses on and you're good to go.  The bigger your cute sunnies, the better.  No one will ever know that your face isn't at its best!  Way to trick the world!

12.  Never look directly at the camera.  It'll totally give you away.  It doesn't matter where you look, look anywhere except for directly at the dirty little lens!  If you want to look up at the sky like a possessed demon- go for it, girl!

12.  If all else fails, hide behind a big purse, a plant, or a dog.  We'll still be able to see part of your shirt and we'll just assume that you are a fabulous dresser!  Or even better, hide behind a cute boy!  We will all think you're cuter by association.  If you need to hire a cute boy try the mall.  Tell them you work for a talent agency or something and you'll have all the cute boys you need to take pictures with you in your oh so hot clothes!

Congrats!  You are now ready to be the next big fashion blogger!  Go take on the fashion world! 

For more of my unique and very smart wisdom you can check out  my post on how to do everything or how to be the next big blogging sensation that I wrote with my friend Tay Tay.  Of course, we're kidding in these posts.  Or are we?!?

A Blogger's How-To Guide. But for real. You need this.

One day I would like to do some kind of comedy routine with my friend, Tay Tay.  You know, like we get up on stage together and spit water on each other's face and act like real fools and have a blast doing it? THAT kind of comedy routine.

But because I've never met Tay Tay and because we live 24 states apart, a blog comedy routine will have to do. Taylor's about my favorite blogger to work with because she's hilarious and always has a lot of funny ideas and just brings a lot to the table, you know?

So we've combined today for some blogging tips.  We all know you need to know how to write on a blog, so we're here to help you out!  Everything you will ever need to know to be a killer blogger.  This is important stuff guys, so if I were you I'd grab a pen and paper right now.

How to take a good photo:

Tay- Bloggers, this one is essential! Here's my secret, I just always try to feel as uncomfortable as possible and then hope Instagram will magically turn that look of discomfort on my face into a presentable photo. It also helps if you shrug your shoulders, turn your knees in, and coyly look away from the camera. I also really like to pose with my dog, or a glass of wine. Animals and alcohol are always very photogenic.

How to master your self timer on the camera:

Bon-  Place the camera carefully on a table.  Then, set the timer for ten seconds.  Five seconds ain't nearly enough!  Run as fast as you can to your designated standing spot.  Freeze, smile, and act like you haven't just done a mad dash.  Remember to smile for the picture because you don't want no pic of you just standing there frowning like an idiot.  Do your best to hold a normal pose.  No one wants to look like a fool.  

Perfect picture!

No-no #1:  Acting like a fool.

No-No #2:  Standing like an idiot, not knowing that the camera is going off.

How to take photos of your food when you're at a restaurant:

Tay- Just do it as quickly and discreetly as possible! I often act like I'm sending a text message, or better yet reading a text, and then as soon as my food is set down BOOM! I grab a shot before anyone can judge me notices.

How to deal with spacing issues on blogger:

Tay- You just have to pray on this one, it's your only hope.
Bon-  Bang on the keyboard and yell a few choice words.  Works like a charm.

How to pretend you're not addicted to blogging:

Bon- Tell everyone that you don't check your stats and you don't care who reads your blog.  Publicly declare on your own personal corner of the web that you blog for you and no one else!

How to explain your blog-friends to your real-life friends:

Tay- This one can get kind of tricky as some people just don't understand that "online friends" aren't nearly as creepy as they sound. I recommend just making it easy on yourself by simply referring to blog friends as "cousins" or "coworkers" from now on. Trust me, there will be a lot less questions this way.

How to talk about your boy in blogland:
Tay- Never refer to him by his first name. Think of a cute nickname like "hubs" or "hubby" or "hubbster" or "bubster" or "the mister" or "Chris." See you all think my boyfriend's name is Chris, but in reality it's actually Kevin. Jk it's Chris. I think I missed the memo on the nicknames.

Bon-  STEP ONE:  Follow Tay's advice about cutesy nickname.  STEP TWO:  Never mention any disagreements in your life.  The blog world cannot know that you might not have the perfect relationship.  STEP THREE:  Above all, post lots of kissing pictures so the world can truly see how much you love each other.  You ain't a real couple if you ain't got the kissing pictures to prove it!

How to write a recipe post:

Bon-  Go to allrecipes.com.  Find a recipe for something that looks kind of good. Copy and paste the recipe in to your blog post and while you're at it you can just copy the pictures too.  EASY!  You don't even have to make the recipe yourself- I mean, seriously, who likes to cook?!?  Then, tell everyone you made up the recipe because there are some totally selfish people out there who don't think it's okay if you "borrow" their recipe and claim it as your own.  Jerks!  Oh, and don't forget to post it to pinterest so you can get oodles and oodles of traffic.  You're a genius!

How to respond to comments:

Bon-  Don't. You will seem much cooler and like more of a celebrity if you ignore everyone that comments on your blog.  We all know that anyone who responds to comments has no life.

How to stay out of drama in the blogging world:

Tay- you just say no to internet fights, pretty simple really.

How to ask your boy to take yet another photo of you:

Tay-  I usually say something like this (while looking very apologetic and ashamed of myself)  "Hey Chris, will you take a photo of me really fast? Real quick I swear. Just one. It's for my post. Sorry. I'm sorry. You're the best." And then I'll usually have him take ten more because I never like the first nine.

Bon-  Promise him 18 holes of golf in the morning.  If that doesn't work, tell him your blog will soon make you millions and it'll be worth it when he's driving a sweet Lexus.  If that still doesn't work... find a new hobby.  Or a new boy.

How to pretend you're a fashion blogger:

Tay-  Put on some clothes, throw on a purse, and then look away from the camera as many ways as possible (or straight at it like I often do.) It also helps to pop a knee or look down at your feet. Or hide behind a plant.

How to complete a DIY project:

Tay- For DIY projects I prefer the DIFM route instead, which stands for Do It For Me, as in someone else please do it for me.

Bon-  What is DIY?

How to make it look like you have the best life ever

Bon-  Make sure to post about everything you do on the weekend.  Even if you didn't do anything that great, take some pictures that look like you are having fun.  Oh, make sure you post a picture of every last drink- wine, beer, tequila- we need to see it all!  It makes you seem ten times more fun!  If you're Mormon, just put pictures up of all the diet coke you drink.  That'll make you seem almost as fun.

Bon getting wild with diet coke in India.  No Mormon vacation is complete without it!

Tay making sure we all know how fun she is with a drink.

How to respond to negativity in the blogging world:

Tay- My favorite method is sarcasm.

Bon- Use your blog to publicly bash that meanie who insulted you!  That's why you started blogging isn't it, so you could have a voice?  Write a whole post on your blog dedicated to those total sluts who put you down.  Make sure you call them jealous at least four or five times because we all know the only reason someone would dare insult your blog is because they're jealous of you.  Remember that nothing they say has even an ounce of truth to it- they're just lies to bring you down because they want to dim your sparkle.  Don't let them take away your sparkle!  If you don't feel better after you write your post, feel free to binge out on ice cream all night long- it's the perfect excuse!

There you have it, ladies!  If you haven't "made it" in the blogging world after this blog post, we can do nothing for you.  We have unlocked every secret to blogging and given you every step you will need to become the next big thing.  You're welcome!

Oh, and you're missing out big time if you're not already following along with Taylor.  She's hilarious as they come.

A little F to the A to the Q.

I've decided it's high time I answer some Frequently Asked Questions around here!  People have been sending me emails high and low, night and day wanting to know all about the true Life of Bon!  I just can't keep up with the emails any more, they come so fast and so furious!  I shall have to do a FAQ post!

In reality I think one person asked me maybe maybe one or two of these questions.  But come on.  Let a girl dream.

THE F.A.Q.s of THE LIFE OF BON

I'm a dashing young woman and I'm looking for my very own Hubs.  Any suggestions? 
Yep. Don't be boring.

Of course there are other strategies like threatening to hurt him if he doesn't hang out with you, taking him to meet your family the week you meet him, or shoving your face right in front of his until he finally kisses you.  Those tactics all worked for me, but I make no guarantees, ladies!

Do your students all have crushes on you?
I don't know.  I've never asked them.  The girls sometimes want to know where I bought my wedges and the boys always complain because I make them participate in literary discussions... so if those count as crushes, then yes.  They all have crushes.

I like your new blog design!  Who did it?
Moi!  Deidre has always done my blog design for me, and I have definitely been the worst to work with ever.  We go back and forth for about four days before I can even choose a header that I like.  About 48 hours after it all goes up I usually decide I don't like any of my design decisions.  I then sit and wonder how long I have to wait before it is appropriate to ask Deidre to do my blog design again for me.  So last night I took matters into my own hands and figured out how to do my own header all by myself.  It's a start!  My cousin so kindly told me that my old design was like Wal-mart and my new design is like Super Target.  So basically my design decisions are improving, but not by much.

Do you ever worry that your students will read what you write on your blog?
No.  The thing is I think my students probably get more than enough of my ramblings at school.  If they want to go home and see more of me, then go ahead, hop on my blog, kiddos!  But I'm guessing most of them like to forget they know me when at all possible.

What's it like being a "repressed very young Mormon wife"?
This quote came from good old gomi, which I am not linking because I don't like my readers to contribute to the traffic of such a nasty site.  But in short, it feels totally great.  I take "very young" as a compliment seeing I'm hitting 27 in June and am starting to feel like my uterus is rusting.  I think it's pretty obvious that I'm fine being called a Mormon.  I admit the wife gig can be tough, but only when Hubs represses me by making me watch horribly written shows like Vampire Diaries.  Those are undoubtedly my darkest wife days.

Speaking of, how did you feel when you got your very real "get off my internets" page?
I was offended because everyone knows that there is no such word as internets.  How dare they link an English teacher to a site with poor grammar?

I hear you read a lot of books.  What are some that totally suck?
Twilight, Moby Dick, Huck Finn, Ender's Game.  (I used to only mildly dislike Ender's Game but now that I have taught it three years in a row I can say with assurety that I hate it.)  For Banned Book Club this month we read a graphic novel, Watchmen, and Mr. Shields is going to shun me for saying this, but I totally hated it.  Sooooo not my style.

I once wrote a whole post about crappy books and that can be found here.  Of course you can find some of my faves here and here.  Or join my book club here.  (We're reading Great Gatsby in April.  You're gonna wanna join in!)

Does your family read your blog?
Some do, some don't.  Strangely enough I have a bunch of boy cousins who are always telling me they read my blog regularly, and I gotta admit, it makes me feel pretty damn good!  (Braithwaites, I'm talking about you!)  My mom never misses a post, even though I'm sure she wishes she had sometimes.  My sister in Germany is the best about reading and commenting, but it's hard to know if she's being super supportive of my dreams or if she is just homesick out of her mind. Either way, I'll take it!  I'm pretty sure my other sis with five kids never reads, but who can blame the woman?  She's got five kids!

Would you suggest I get a blog?
Yes, if you are a narcissist.  But unless you are wholly and completely in love with yourself, you ain't gonna hack blogland. You must love talking about yourself and looking at pictures of yourself endlessly. You must then love sharing that with the entire world so they can tell you how awesome, beautiful and witty you are.  Except for when they tell you that you are not awesome, beautiful, or witty.  But then again that would probably be good for a narcissist to hear too, don't you think?

P.S. If you're not already following me on twitter and Instagram you're missing out.

Twitter

Instagram:  @thelifeofbon

19 wedding pics you don't want to send out with your invitation

Tonight I didn't feel like writing a post.  When I don't feel like writing a post I usually try to figure out why.  If I trudge on with my post when I don't want to, it usually ends up being a pretty awful post.

So like the pure detective I am, I sat down and thought, "Why don't I want to write a post?"  The answer was pretty simple.  I was tired, I had been working all day and I was kind of in a bad mood.  So instead of writing a post I looked at old bridal/engagement pictures to cheer me up.  I couldn't help but laugh that we had more bad pictures than good ones.  Boy are we a couple of goofs!

And just like that, a post was born.  I present to you, 

NINETEEN WEDDING PICTURES YOU DON'T WANT TO SEND OUT WITH YOUR INVITATION.

By The Life of Bon

1.  The mouth too big/ can't stop laughing pose.  For your information this was taken after Greg thought the ice was cracking, threw me off his back and yelled, "Bonnie!  Run!  The ice is cracking."  It's every man for himself in the wild.

2.  The crazy eye pose.  I promise Greg wasn't doing this in purpose- the photographer just somehow managed to get it at the exact right moment.

3.  The "You want us to do what?!?" pose.   You know how some girls are ugly criers?  I'm an ugly laugher.  My face seriously contorts like that every time I laugh.  Ah, well, what can you do?

4.  The old man teeth/ leaning against a tree pose.  Because we all know couples always lean against trees with each other.

5.  The "Oh my gosh, you seriously want me to pose in the bushes?" pose.

6.  The "Button up your jacket, dang it!" pose.  Also known as the "Boys don't know how to hold flowers" pose.

7.  The "Oh my gosh I'm getting married.  What am I thinking?!?" pose.

8.  The "dang it, woman, how many times have I told you to cover your mouth when you sneeze?" pose.

9.  The "We  just happened to be standing here and both instantly fell asleep" pose.  Also known as the "Take it easy on the eyelashes" pose.  But seriously, could this picture be any more awkward?  You know.  Just standing here.  Eyes closed.  Faces touching.  Being weird.

10.  The "I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be putting this hand right now" pose.

11.  The "Wait, what did you say we're supposed to be doing right now?" pose.

12.  The awkward "I am going to squeeze you until you can't keep it in" pose  Doesn't Greg look so uncomfortable here?  I can't stop laughing when I look at his face.

13 & 14.  The "Now I get to dance!" pose.

15.  The "Seriously, Greg.  That's enough" pose.

 16.  The long neck pose.  I had to include this one because back in the day I had an extremely rude boyfriend who used to always tell me that my neck was so long I looked like a dinosaur.  It was this picture that convinced me there may have been some truth to his words.

17.  The sun bursting through our skin pose.  Um... photographer?  Did you not notice that?

18.  The "getting a little too into this kiss" pose.  If this wasn't myself and my lover in this picture I would be totally grossed out by the graphicness of the kissing.  As I'm sure you are.

19.  The "I really don't want to pose for this picture" pose.  Can you tell who is being uncooperative?  ME!

Now vote!  Which one is your favorite worst pose?!?  I think mine has to be #17- the awkward kissing one!

How to do EVERYTHING

You know what I realized today?

It's been a while since I graced you all with my how-to knowledge!  We all know there is too much going on in the world to know how to do it all without a little help!  Last April I was nice enough in this post to tell you how to do uber tough things like do your laundry and paint your toenails.  You sure are lucky to have me!  Since then I've even given more advice like how to look hot no matter what, how to trick your man, how to stay on top of your blog, and how to catch a mate.  These were all great, I admit, but I don't feel like I've quite reached my full how-to potential!  So here you go, girls, a bunch of stuff that I know you are just dying to know!

HOW TO:
Get people to give you the birdie on the freeway
Pull right in front of them in traffic
Be talking on your phone in the fast lane
Honk at them
Act totally oblivious to the fact that there are other drivers on the road.

HOW TO:
Go shopping
Drive to the mall.
Make sure you have a credit card with you.
The higher the spending limit is on your card, the better.
If someone besides you is paying the credit card, EVEN BETTER!
Try on shirts.
And pants.
If they look sexy on you and are reasonably priced, buy them.
P.S.  Reasonable is very subjective.  So just go ahead and buy it.

HOW TO:
Go shopping and not buy anything.
Drive to the mall.
Forget your credit card at home.

HOW TO:
Be the first in your family to know when someone is preggers.
Live in your mom's basement.
Hear her talk on the phone on Sunday nights.
OOPS!

HOW TO:
Stay skinny
Eat fruits and veggies
OR
Eat candy once a day and nothing else.
OR
Get a gym pass
OR
Have a job where you run around like a chicken with its head cut off
OR
Laugh at everything anybody ever says
OR
Love up on your hubby
OR
Any combination of the above.

HOW TO:
Get 17 year olds to hate your guts
Tell them to get their butts out of bed in the morning and get to your class on time.
Tell them you don't care that they were absent, the assignment is still late.
Tell them you're not going to take their s$@! anymore.

HOW TO:
Get 17 year olds to love your guts
Laugh at their jokes.
Tell them you think they are smart.
Let them have a read-a-thon where they come in their pjs with pillows and blankets and read on the floor all class period.
Buy them doughnuts every once in a while.
Laugh with them when someone rips one in class.


HOW TO:
Be miserable
Be a Utah Jazz fan.

HOW TO:
Suddenly feel like your really awesome life is actually incredibly lame
Look at other people's vacation pictures on facebook
Look at the homes people your own age are buying on facebook.
Look at the babies people your own age are having on facebook.

HOW TO:
Get in a really bad mood very quickly
Read political posts on facebook
Get involved in political posts on facebook.
Have your candidate lose.
Read any article having anything to do with politics after an election.
Hear about how awful your candidate is.
Hear about how great the other candidate is.
Have dreams that everyone has to cast votes again because there was a mistake the first time and your guy still has a chance of winning.

HOW TO:
Snap out of politicial bad mood
Remember you live in America
And have the right to vote
And are incredibly blessed no matter who the president is.

HOW TO:
Cure baby hunger
Hang out with a baby with a stinky diaper.

HOW TO:
Make yourself hungry
Look at Instagram

HOW TO:
Get rid of stress
Take a hot bubble bath.
Go shopping.
Call your sister.  Or your friend.
Write a list of all your blessings.
Buy someone flowers.
Pray.
Say thank you.
Kiss.
Drink hot chocolate
and if all else fails...
Take a nap until the storm is over!

Now it's your turn!  Give me your best how to!  Besides winning my complete respect, the three bloggers with the best how to in the comment section will be highlighted on Life of Bon tomorrow with a link to their blogs.  Come on chicas, HOW TO it up!

P.S.... Don't forget to enter yesterday's giveaway.  That bad boy is on fire!  And you can earn extra entries every day you tweet about it. 

21 Rules for using the Internet. You MUST obey these.

It dawned on me this week that this little thing we call the Internet is not going away anytime soon.  For years I have thought the world wide web would just be a passing phase- you know, like neopets or myspace.  I figured that like most of my useless ex boyfriends, he would burst into starry existence, demand a lot of attention, and then slowly fade out of my life.  Yet somehow, years later, he's still around and he shows no signs of peacing out.  THEREFORE... if we are to all continue using this very informative guy, it is important we all get on the same page.  I have made a list of 21 simple rules that we all must follow to keep our sanity around this place.  I am designating myself the Internet police and these are the official laws of the Internet.   Watch yourself or you might just get an Internet citation!

1.  When using facebook it is not okay to:
a. Leave a status like "Wow.  I can not believe that just happened.  I'm so bummed."  We all know this as a simple CRY FOR ATTENTION.  If you need attention call your mom, call your boyfriend, call your besties, but don't just throw it out there for 500+ "friends" hoping someone catches the bait.  There is always some kind soul who replied, "Oh dearie, I'm so sorry, what happened?"  and then all of us have to be eyewitnesses to the awkward fb conversation about how your boss chewed you out yada, yada, yada.

b. Write incessant love messages on the wall of your significant other.  That is what text messages are for.  The general population does not want to hear your pet names, your countless "I love yous" nor do we care that Brad is "The best guy that ever existed!!!!  I'm so lucky I found him!!!  There is seriously no guy like him in the world!!!"  We all think that about our husbands, honey.  That's why we married them.

c.  Have a facebook account for two people.  It's called facebook not facesbook.  We're all happy you found your soulmate and that you have so much in common, but let's not forget that we all have our own separate identities and that uniqueness should be celebrated.  There's no use to get a joint account and confuse the crap out of all of us.

d.  Like your own statuses.  Nuff said.

2. If you are a mother/aunt/grandmother/of the older generation and using facebook it is not okay to:
- Leave countless comments on your child's facebook wall. You can be their "friend", that's all swell and dandy, but stop tagging them in photos, stop telling them they're beautiful online, and stop asking about all their other friends. It's time to officially cut that umbilical cord, lady, and the first step is facebook!

3.  Moustaches are strictly prohibited from the Internet.  No one is allowed to post pictures with fake moustaches, use the ubiquitous "I moustache you a question" or wear moustache paraphernalia.  It's not cute, and as I am the Internet chief of police here, I am really going to come down hard on this one.

4.  This one might hurt some of your feelings, but I feel like it needs to be addressed, and I'm going to try to be gentle.  What is with the word "Amazeballs"?  I have never heard anyone say this in real life, and I'm pretty sure if they did I would just give them a weird look and walk away.  This word has been practically taking over the blogosphere.  I don't care if one or two bloggers say something kind of weird, but when everybody starts doing it I get confused.  Who made up this word?  Where did it come from?  Is it supposed to be a dirty slang word?  Please explain and then please stop using this.  And please still love me because I don't like this word.

5.  On the Internet, you are not allowed to write in white with a black background.  You are also not allowed to write in neon colors.  People!  MY EYES!  MY EYES!  PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON MY EYES!

6.  You may talk about your dog or your cat or other pet but it has a very short time limit.  Us Internet mortals can only tolerate so much gushing about an animal that we will never meet nor care to.  20% of what you say online can be about your pet.  I hate to say it, but their is a similar rule for your kids.  You must talk about something besides your children to ensure us that you have your own personality outside of your children. Roughly 60% of what you say online can be about your kids. Same goes for your husband.  Please refer to item 1c.

6.  If you do not like somebody's blog, don't return to it.  Simple as that.  When I don't like a pizza place, I don't go back, when I don't like a store I don't go back, and when I don't like the 7 foot hairy man who gives me a painful massage, I don't go back.  Same with the Internet.  There is no reason to post negative comments on the blog, facebook page, forum, etc.  No need to call people liars or insult them by likening them to "bean paste"  (Yes this was a real comment I received on this article.)  Just go to a different site.  No harm no foul.  For more information on how humans must learn to be nice all the time, even on the Internet you can read up here.
8.  You are not allowed to take pictures of your food and post them all over your instagram, twitter and facebook accounts.  It's food.  We all eat it every day.  If it is special,delicious food like Crab legs then it is okay to post it  once.  If you post food pictures more than once a week, you will receive a citation from the Internet police.

9.  Boys:  You are allowed up to six pictures with your shirt off on your facebook account/ Instagram accounts.  Any more than that and we will all see you for what you really are:  a narcissistic pig and you will be disallowed further Internet use.
10.  Girls:  You are allowed no pictures with your shirt off.  I'm sorry, but that's just the way it goes.

11.  Human population:  You are allowed only up to three pictures that you have taken of yourself with your arm stretched out and smiling in front of the camera.  More than that and we'll punch that narcissist stamp on you and throw you right out of the Internet.

12.  No one is allowed to "spoil" a movie, book, or television series without first putting the words "Spoiler Alert."  Once those words are in place, you can say anything you want but ONLY if and when those word are in place.  Otherwise, we will stone you.

13.  If there has been something massive and nationwide on television like the super bowl, the Olympics, or the bachelorette finale, you do not have to write "spoiler alert."  We will all assume that if people cared they would have watched it or else avoided the Internet until they have done so.  These people are not allowed to get mad at people for "spoiling" it for them by saying "I'm so glad the Cowboys won!" the day after the Superbowl.  I'm sorry, but some things you just have to be responsible for watching on your own or else face the reality that it will be spoiled for you.
14.  There are to be no word verifications ever again.  EVER.  If you are caught with a blog or website that has a word verification, you will be kicked off the Internet for ONE YEAR and your site will be deleted.  The two spam comments that you get a week are not enough of an inconvience to justify you making EVERY SINGLE PERSON that comments fill out a word verification.  I feel very strongly about this one.  Don't test me!

15.  No talking about your poo on the Internet.  I don't care if it's a joke you're playing on your roommate because he left his facebook open on your computer.  It's nasty.

16.  You are allowed only one emoticon per post/status/tweet.  (The same applies to text messages.)  I think we all know that it's just creepy when we read a post like this:  A pretty good day all things considered! :)  I got roses :) And an A on my test :) The only thing bad is I broke my arm :(  But it's all good because now I don't have to go to school for a week :) :) :) :) :)

17.  You are never ever ever ever ever EVER allowed to type like this:

I lOvE iT wHeN mY LeTtErS ArE aLl DiFfFeReNt SiZeS bEcAuSe It MaKeS iT sO hArD fOr EvErYoNe tO rEaD aNd I jUsT kNoW iT hUrTs ThEiR eYeS aNd kNoWiNg OtHeR pEoPlE aRe In PaIn TrUlY BrInGs mE jOy!!!!!!!!!

18.  You must use exclamation marks in moderation.  There is no set rule, you just need to know that if you use too many like "Oh my gosh girl!  You are hilarious!!!!  I freaking love you!!  Let's go to the mall!!!!" that your Internet privileges will be revoked for an undetermined amout of time.  Use your judgment on this one.  Please.

19.  I'm sorry, but you are not allowed to complain about your marriage or your boyfriend or your irresponsible mother on the Internet.  If you have relationship issues in your life, I suggest talking to that person or taking it up with a professional.  AKA a counsellor. Airing your grievances out facebook style is not the way to go.

20.  We only care what you wore if it's actually cute.  I know it's hard to hear, but if you don't regularly get real life compliments on your outfits, you probably shouldn't start posting them for the whole world to see.

21.  We will forgive the occasional misspelling of their/there/they're or too/two or you/your/you're, BUT if you are doing this regularly we are all going to think you're dumb.  This is elementary spelling and I know for a fact that there are teachers out there who work very hard to drum this into the brains of our youth.  If you mess up on a simple rule like this more than three times, you must come to five 90 minute sessions of my Language Arts class before you are allowed to use the Internet again.  The class costs $100 per session.

NOW that we are all caught up on the 21 basic rules of Internet use, go ahead!   Use away!  Get on that Internet and do your tweeting/blogging/youtubing/stalking old boyfriends.  I support you whole heartedly!  Just know that I will be watching like a hawk for any infractions. Use the Internet carefully my friends, and live in fear.


(Do you agree with these rules?  If so, I ask that you would kindly post the rules on your facebook, twitter, or pinterest account.  If we want the whole world to follow these rules, we've got to make sure the whole world sees them!)