The Life of Bon: How to Catch a Husband

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

How to Catch a Husband

Hey guys...

Um.

I guess I need some help.

You see, I'm guest posting on Jennie's blog and I really wanted to blow her readers away with something sassy and fun.  I got started on what I thought was a genius idea, but now that I've written it all out I'm worried it's too much and too weird. You know how it is with new people, you can't scare them away too quickly.  You gotta ease them in.  So, I am allowing you folks to read a draft of it before it hits Jennie's blog.  Let me know if I'm about to scare a lot of innocent, unsuspecting people.

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Well, hello there, folks.  The name is Bonnie.  I am guest posting on Jennie's blog because I have some VERY important advice for her.  Recently Jennie posted her 20 reasons why she is a blogging outcast on my blog.  One of the reasons Jennie said is because she isn't married.

Well isn't that a crying shame?!?  To be young and eligible and unmarried in Utah County... why that's not something you want to brag about.  If you get out of your ripe, teenage years without a ring on your finger and a blog to prove it, then you're in for a lot of scornful looks from the likes of Utah Mormons, I think we all know that.

Now, I have got some experience in this department because I about dang near turned into an old maid myself before I got that diamond safely secured on my finger.  I was pushing 25 years old when I said "I do"!  Imagine!  Don't worry about a thing, though, Jennie, I'm here to give you and everyone else out there who wants it some help in locking down a man.  Then you won't be a blogging outcast anymore, and you can spend the rest of your life thanking me for it.  Here we go!

HOW TO BECOME A BRIDE:  
BY THE LIFE OF BON



Step 1:  Sit outside on your balcony Juliet style to get his attention.  Also, make sure your hair is a weird color.  Heck, that's what I did!  I was just sitting on my balcony when old Hubs himself walked on by.  I'd never seen the dude before, but he yelled up to me that he was digging the pink in my hair and then I knew it was love.  All thanks to my balcony.  You can learn a lot from studying old Shakespeare, you know.



Step 2:  Interrogate him about his work ethic.  The first real conversation I had with Hubs revolved around work and nothing else.  I worked at Sizzler and he worked at The Olive Garden so I figured, "Hey!  Let's talk restaurants!"  I drilled him on how many tables he worked at a time, how fast the tables rotated, what the average bill was, how much he made in tips a night, etc, etc, ETC!  The questions were fierce and fast and I'm pretty sure Hubs was really turned on by that!  Come on, what boy wouldn't love being harassed about how much money he makes?

Step 3: Tell him you will hit him on the head with a hammer (or any other creative threat) if he doesn't spend time with you .  It's true, girls!  Threats work!  But make sure they're creative, so he'll remember you!  None of this, "I'll kill you stuff", you gotta make yourself stick out in his brain.  For our first "hang out" Hubs and I were supposed to play cards one Sunday night.  I hadn't seen him in church so I called him up 30 minutes before game time to see if we were still on.  He didn't answer.  In a moment of panic I told him that if he ditched me for this I would indeed, take it out on him hammer style.  And voila, He was at my door half an hour later.

Step 4:  Stick your face directly in front of his until he finally kisses you.  Good old Hubs was a little nervous about that first kiss, so I made it easy on him!  I sat next to him on the couch and literally stuck my face right in front of his for about an hour until he finally planted one on me.  I don't know about you, but I personally think guys find it quite refreshing when a girl just puts her face right in front of his and waits patiently.  Who wouldn't love that?!?



Step 5:  Three weeks after you start dating, make him go to your crazy hometown and have every hick there ask him when you two are getting married.  Now I didn't plan this, but really, it couldn't have worked out better!  I took him home to meet my mom, but little did I know we would run into a lot of other friends: old school teachers, church buddies, neighbors, ETC.  And everyone wanted to know one little thing, "When are you two getting married?!?"  I pretended to act embarrassed, but really, I LOVED it.  I got those folk to place the idea in his head, and months later that boy was down on one knee BEGGING me to marry him!



Now, kids, I know these tactics might seem a bit unconventional, but TRUST ME!  They work!  If you want yourself a hubby before your ovaries get rusty, you best put these steps to the test.


And don't forget to invite me to speak at your wedding!

24 comments:

  1. i love this!! It's so witty and I can't stop laughing at how true most of those are! especially the first kiss

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  2. Jennie is my cousin, whoo!! But I loved it and think it won't scare new readers away. It was funny and true!

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  3. I think this is all wonderful advice, and if it doesn't work then they're doing it wrong and you should fly to them and charge them for your wonderful services. You could start your own business here. ;) Lol.

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  4. Hi Katie!! You are my cousin too! Bahahahaha.

    Also, I am liking this post! My ovaries are totally getting rusty over here. They will be ancient, old pipe by the time I consider reproducing.

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  5. Hello, I am returning the favor and saying how much I adore your blog. And of course to follow xx

    thank you!

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  6. Thanks for stopping by my blog, I LOVE THIS! I'm a new reader to your blog and you didn't scare me away! I'm now following!

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  7. I love it Bonnie! Its so you and thats why I LOVE IT! :)

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  8. bahhahaha. It's perfect! I'm so going to try these things!

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  9. This is ingenious. Good tips, I'll have to keep them in mind :)

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  10. This is genius Bon! And had a bunch of fun reading. This is the exact reason why I started following in the first place.

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  11. WHAT. IN. THE. WORLD?!?!...This is a HOT MESS and a HALF...I sat here like, For reals??...THIS is how you solve the case of the rapidly rusting ovaries?!?!...Ridiculous!!...Heck ya, you're gonna scare new readers...mos-def scared me...

    ...into following you...you're freakin' HIGH-larious.

    Be Blessed <3

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  12. Haha! Amazing how simple things are!!! Should for sure try them and still waiting for that ring! But thankfully I don't live in Utah where I would be a spinster by now :(

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  13. My only questions is what if you don't have a balcony would sitting on your front steps count? This is amazing!! I'm passing it on to all my friends.

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  14. Bahahhaa love this! Feel free to use it for my guest post as well ;) Can't wait to have your humor spice up my blog this Friday!

    xo Shane

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  15. I LOVED this post, so I think you definitely should use it! That's some good advice!

    http://dreamingenfrancais.blogspot.com/

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  16. You are hilarious and I LOVE this post.

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  17. Hahaha Step 4 is perfect. I mean, seriously, what guy wouldn't want a girl sticking her face in his asking for a smooch!? Love it.

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  18. Haha! This is wonderful. I have tried all of these, and they have worked (as in I have been dating and love with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now) BUT, there is so ring as of now.... come on!!

    xoxo Vanessa @ He Says Newcastle
    vanessawittmer.blogspot.com

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  19. I just saw your comment on my blog and headed over to return the favor. As I was scrolling down I came across this post and I'm literally sitting at work LOLing. This made my whole day. I'm not Morman (not that there is anything wrong with Mormans of course!) But this post made me giggle so hard. You're presh! I'm glad I found your blog!

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  20. Ha ha ha I love your pictures Bonnie!! Especially the first one you posted!!

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  21. So THAT's where I've been going wrong all these years?! I think I've given myself a hernia laughing so much...

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  22. I think it's HILARIOUS! I'm not married either, and now the last one of my single college bible study left. I'm 26. This post makes me feel better about all of it. I've clearly been going about this all wrong for the last 10 years!

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  23. Seems legit to me! Haha

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