The Life of Bon: Truths

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Truths


What makes you love a blog?  I'm talking read and read and delve into the archives, and then check every day for a new post even when you know for a fact there will be no post because she already posted once that day or she announced she will be gone all week.  That kind of love.

There are several different reasons I read blogs- to be entertained, to escape my present world, to look at stunning fashion, to get good deals and win free stuff.   I think though, what keeps me coming back to blogging and what keeps me coming back to the same blogs over and over and over is connection.  In some way or another I have to connect with the writer behind the blog.  I have to feel her realness, who she is, or else I eventually lose my desire to read.  One of my favorite blogs right now is E Tells Tales.  She's a fellow English teacher, and I'm mildly obsessed with her because I totally relate to her and connect to her and I feel that she is so honest in her writing.

She makes me want to be a more honest writer.  I try to be, I really do.  I try to make this a place on the internet that is real, that is raw, that shows vulnerabilities.  That's not easy, though.  It's easier to just cover up anything that makes me nervous and act like I've got life totally figured out.  "I dress like a rockstar!  I have a perfect job!  I take great vacations! My marriage is perfect!  I am always happy!"  That is the easy road in blogging, I suppose.  It is far more difficult to tell the truth.

So today I will venture into my truths.  They are not easy to write.  But they are truths that need to be told.

+ I have applied for my teaching credential in California and applied for a handful of specific jobs, but have heard nothing back.  What if I don't find a job?  Then what?  I've already quit my job- there is no turning back at this point.  Do I start waiting tables?  Am I a strong enough woman to support my husband in his career choice even if the road is rocky and involves a crappy apartment in L.A. and late nights at a crappy job and missing my family?

+ I want to get to a place where I can make a full time living from blogging and writing.  But then what happens to the teacher in me?  Does she die?  I love teaching, but it doesn't pay well enough and that is sad that I feel like I might have to love a career I adore because it doesn't reward me adequately for my time and effort.

+ And how do I have the audacity to think that I can make it as a full time writer, anyway?  That is terrifying and a wish so real and brave that just typing it out like this scares me to pieces.

+ When my little sister came home from her 18 month mission last week, I was so happy.  I had missed her terribly.  But I was sad too.  Sad because I said goodbye to my dad more than 3 years ago and why can't he be coming home on a plane, too? Why can't I wait for him at the terminal and hold a poster for him that says "Welcome home, dad!  We missed you!  Boy, did we miss you!"  And why is grief such a long process?  I'm pretty sure everyone else has moved on, why do I linger so... not wanting to completely let go of him?

+ Today a parent called me because her two sons in my class have a B+.  They have a B+ because in spite of their sheer brilliance, they never participate in discussions and so have been docked participation points.  She told me what I was doing was "morally wrong."  She said I was punishing them for being shy.  I said it was a type of informal assessment and I needed to see their ability to discuss and respond to literature orally.  She said what I was doing was simply "not right."  I tried hard to stand my ground, but then somehow backed right down because suddenly I was just so tired.  Parents, why can't you be on my side?

+ I get so frustrated with myself sometimes.  Like I'm just not progressing as a decent human being on this planet.  Mostly this happens when I get in arguments with Hubs.  WHAT?!? Bloggers get in fights with their husbands?!?  Impossible!  I am disgustingly stubborn, and Hubs ain't no doormat himself.  Somehow a question about one thing turns into an argument about something entirely different turns into a full blown battle over endless issues.  Sometimes I say awful things I don't mean and I wonder, does the rest of the world know how to hold their tongue?  I am working on thinking before I say things and I am working on taking deep breaths and asking God to help me to say what I want to say and not something that is hurtful and untrue.  I guess it just bothers me that there is this side of me that exists somewhere that all of a sudden emerges and spits out nasty things and then runs back for cover.  I think I am a kind, thoughtful, loving person.  Until I see that I am not.

+ There's some big stuff going on today with gay marriage.  My religion supports traditional marriages and I do too because that was the best choice for me, personally.  But who am I to take away someone else's freedom to choose their path to happiness, however different from mine it may be?  I believe in marriage between a man and a woman, but even more strongly I believe in the incredible gift God gave us to choose for ourselves, and so I say yes to gay marriage.

+ My sixth period class asks me every day if I'm really leaving to California next year, and can I stay just one more year?  I laugh it off and continue on with the lesson, but to tell you the truth, it kind of breaks my heart.  There is chemistry with classes and as the school year draws to a close my heart starts to hurt, realizing that soon this amazing chemistry that we have going on will end.  I am safe and comfortable at my school and I know in my deepest of hearts that I need to move on because I am supposed to learn and grow and there are experiences I am supposed to have that aren't at Copper Hills.  But change is hard, and if I think about it too long I start to cry, so I don't let myself think about that class full of juniors begging me to come back to teach them one more year of English.

+ Almost all my friends my age have babies.  I don't want babies because, quite frankly, I am selfish.  I like my time and I like my body and I like my money.  Then I feel guilty for not wanting a baby and for being so selfish and I wonder if God is ever going to give me that strong desire or if I am a different kind of woman who doesn't yearn to nurture and care for others.  And if so, wtf?  Why don't I have normal female genes?

P.S.  Who is your favorite "honest" blogger.  Please share with me.  I love a good honest blog find.
P.P.S. I was going to do a Shabby Apple giveaway today but then I wanted to post this instead.  And so it goes.
P.P.P.S.  Book club for The Fault in Our Stars is tomorrow. You can write your own review of the book and link it up or respond in the comment section.  I can't wait to hear your thoughts.  Here are some questions to get you thinking if you need a push.  You can address any or all of these questions, but don't have to address any if you don't want to.  How's that for freedom?

Spoiler.  Don't read these questions if you haven't finished the book.
+ Do you see Hazel as a likeable narrator?  How about a realistic one?
+ Why did Green choose to add Peter Van Houten and the trip to Amsterdam to the story?  How did that affect or change the book?
+ Was the book too sad or tragic for you or did it somehow leave you feeling uplifted?  How?
+ There are some graphic scenes including Gus peeing his own bed and vomitting all over himself.  Why do you think Green chose to add these.  Are they appropriate?
+  What makes Gus and Hazel's love story unique?  Do you see them as real characters- why or why not?
+ Would you suggest this book to someone who has cancer or is close to someone with cancer?  Why or why not?
+ The book is classified as "young adult" fiction.  Do you think this is an accurate genre for the book, or do you consider it too deep for that age group?  On the back cover of the book it says that Green writes "for youth rather than to them".  What do you think that means?
+ What did you think of the end of the book?  Did it give you enough closure?
+ What did you think of Green's description of Hazel's grieving process immediately following Gus' death?  What touched you the most about those scenes?
+  What is the significance of the title of the novel?

107 comments:

  1. somehow I always read all of your blog posts even though they are so long. Sometimes, I see a blog and it's 5 pictures of their outfit and I don't even make it to where there are words because I'm already bored. I think you are great at being honest, which is why I think I come back and read and read and read.

    Also, when I first started blogging, I was so obsessed with things like pageviews and comments and I was so concerned about writing something that other people would like that I became totally fake! so then I stopped blogging. But then I missed writing. So now I'm trying to be honest, and it is sooo much more fun and fulfilling. But sometimes is still hard to just do what I love and not compare with others.

    Also, as a side note, I am in the exact same place as you are in with the gay marriage issue. Emotions around it are complicated. But in the end, I couldn't ever feel right about trying to choose the course of someone else's life for them.

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    1. "even though they are so long." HA! Believe it or not I always start my post thinking, "Today is going to be a short post!" and then they keep going and going and going. Oops. I also often delete at least three or four paragraphs of my originial posts. Looks like I'm long winded!

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  2. You're my favorite "honest" blogger Bonnie!!

    I feel the same way about grief... Life is so unfair sometimes

    Another honest blogger is : jenhasapen.com .... She's been absent lately having a baby and whatnot but her posts bring me to tears on the regular

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  3. I stumbled upon your blog recently, and I don't remember how. I like it! You're a good writer :)

    My favorite ever blog is also E... I have been reading for several years (even before ee came along.. :). She is so refreshing and true. She's also a good friend and personable with her readers, I think that is what I like most. Anyway, you remind me of her... Thanks for entertaining me :)

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    1. So maybe as a long time reader of E you can help me out... why can't I read any of her archives? It basically only lets me read what she's been up to this year but I want to know EVERYTHING about her and it won't let me! What gives?

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    2. Elizabeth hid almost all of her archives when she started teaching again this year. She lives in a small town and doesn't want her students having too much information.

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    3. Kimberly is correct. She actually deleted a ton of original posts from her blog as well, if they were to personal. It's unfortunate because she is such a talented writer! Maybe she'll put them back up when she's not teaching anymore? Who knows :)

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  4. You are so honest, I feel like I can keep in touch with your through your blog! You are the best teacher, LA is sure going to be lucky to get you!! :)

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  5. I feel like my husband and I fight all the time even though I know it's just because we're both strong willed opposites with strong opinions.

    And, I've done the whole give up your job to move across the country for the one you love thing. i wasn't able to find a job in my field and working at Target. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I will admit it was very frustrating at times to be in a crappy job, with crappy pay and a crappy commute knowing that I was well overqualified for the position. I just kept at it and eventually I found a position that was much better. Hang in there!

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  6. This post was inspiring and amazing. Despite what you may think, I would say that you are one of the most "real" bloggers out there and I appreciate your honesty today because I COULD RELATE to nearly everything you were saying... about teaching, about change, about gay marriage, etc. So, thank you. Thank you.

    Also- I'd love to participate in the next monthly book club. When do you announce the next book of the month?? :-)

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  7. I follow a lot of blogs and I read only a few. You are very honest and yours is one of the only blogs of non-personal friends I always read.
    Also, my father died when I was 5 and I still dream sometimes that he comes home. I don't think there is anything wrong with you. Grief is what it is. You will always have a Dad-Sized hole in your heart.

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  8. Bonnie, I'm an honest blogger - AND more importantly, I enjoy your writing. stuffishouldnottellpeople.blogspot.com.

    Hook me up to your blog. Okay. I'm to dumb to figure that out.
    Betty Johnson

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    1. Betty! So fun to have you comment on here. I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "hook me up to your blog"- but I will do it! :) And I'm excited to check out what you write.

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  10. I LOVE your blog. Like Suzzie said up there, I usually get bored reading posts, especially if they are long, but I'm totally sucked into yours all the way through to the end. You write so well and honestly! It's refreshing and so fun to read. I look forward to your posts every day! Sorry I'm a stalker! Ha!

    Lauren
    TheAlbrechtsblog.blogspot.com

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  11. P.S. I also love to write, I'm a teacher, and I'm the mother of your very good friend - Sally. We might have a few things in common?????

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  12. First of all, you are my one my favorite honest bloggers just to answer that question.

    Almost all of my friends my age have babies too, and I am in the same boat as you. I have never really had a strong desire to become a mom, atleast not yet anyways. I am too selfish. I say just do what works for you and that is alright.

    Also I doubt that everyone else has moved on from your dads passing, they may just show it differently than you do, ya know? It hasn't been that long and it's perfectly normal to grieve and to have a different grieving period than everyone else.

    Above all, just be you!

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  13. I taught English for a very short while. You just reminded me why I don't plan on doing it again. It's sad how things are in education these days. You have my utmost respect for what you do. Keep on keeping on...

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    1. Thank you! I wish so badly it were easier. Mostly I just hate how parents make excuses for their children and how we are raising them to be these crazy entitled adults. Sigh.

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    2. yes! yes! yes! the sense of entitlement thing that parents force upon their kids (and some schools encourage)is why i left teaching. :(

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  14. Bon, YOU are my honest blogger favorite! You tell it like it is and I really admire your personality. XO

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  15. I love this post! Being honest to myself is what inspires a lot of my writing when it comes to posts. Yes, mine tend to be beastly long but if people want to read it and relate, I'm truly flattered. I loved this post because it was such an honest reflection on what you're going through. I know how it feels to just be exhausted because there really isn't any type of emotion or feeling to express at that point. It's just time to call it a day. You have such an awesome personality and wonderful sense of humor. I also am way behind on my bookclub reading...poop on a stick.

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  16. She was upset because they had a B+ and because they were not participating in discussions??? I was told in all classes from middle school on that your grade will also reflect on class participation not just your work that is turned in and tests. I am definitely on your side with this, class participation also lets you as a teacher know the student understands!!

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  17. You basically just read my mind on the baby thing. And if I'm being totally honest I think I might scream if I see another bumpdate post. Like everything else it's all about balance. If every post was about the bad stuff it would be overkill but at the same time I love it when bloggers show that they are real and admit that life isn't perfect. I have said it a zillion times and I'll say it again. I blog because I love to write. It's such a bonus if people are interested.

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  18. I'm pretty sure you are my favorite honest blogger. I love reading your posts when they appear on my feed. You just write from the heart.

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  19. This is a wonderful post and encourages me to let out some honest thoughts and opinions. I, too, find myself lashing out and saying things before I think through them and then feeling like I terrible person and I'm also trying to figure out how to hold my tongue... Let me know if you find the secret! haha

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  20. I know it's not the same situation but I had similar feelings when my little sister got married and my little brother was on his mission. I was happy for her, of course but I was also angry. I was angry that my brother couldn't be there that day and I was angry that the Lord would give boys the commandment to serve and take them away from their families. That day was very hard and I tried my best to ignore the anger but it still seeped through. It is definitely difficult to be completely happy in situations like that because there is a void. Somehow we all need to find out how to get over, "Where's my brother? Why isn't he here? This is an important day for my family, why is part of my family missing?"

    I am 25 and graduate from USU this semester and I'm terrified. I am single and the thought of moving out of this comfort bubble that is school and into the real world while being alone makes me so afraid. I don't want to do it but somehow I must. I'm trying to pep talk myself but I just get so tired of being alone. Leaving your comfortable job and location is definitely difficult.

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    1. Thank you for sharing this. Isn't it crazy how the family dynamics change when one person isn't there? I try to remind myself over and over that it is still my family, but it is just crazy how everything shifts a little bit. Is your brother home now?

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  21. you.are.awesome.
    I seriously love how you write and how open you are! like i can't believe that I just read a post that was longer than a couple of paragraphs. but your writing is just that good! and you are so open and honest that it keeps me coming back for more.
    p.s. we moved to denver last minute (in august) and i couldn't find a teaching job so i've been nannying for the last few months. Definitely not as awesome as teaching... but currently i'm applying for teaching jobs for next year and it's super stressful and i really hope i get something. I'm sure we both will! But I totally understand the stress behind what you're going through. good luck :)

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    1. Stephanie it is so good to be back in touch with you and I loved seeing what you and Devin are up to. Good luck with med school and finding teaching jobs. You two have an exciting feature ahead of you. Let me know when you find a job! and sorry about the long posts... I can't seem to stop! :)

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  22. I like your honesty about teaching. That's why I keep coming back! lol
    I teach elementary but belong in, at least, 8th grade. I don't say much about teaching because parents freak out about their "babies" and I don't think 10 year olds are babies...so they and I disagree on some fronts. I feel you on the parent thing.

    I'm going to probably end up working at a coffee shop this summer and probably end up subbing again next year. We're moving too. Yaaaaaay, right? (Just kidding. Awesome schools will snatch us both up. :)

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  23. I love this post, and I love reading your blog! I feel like you are a real person, blogging your real feelings, and I like that. Those are the blogs I read. And thank you so much for the post about gay marriage. I am in the exact same boat. Sometimes I think it can be really hard to say that as a Mormon. But you are right, it's about free agency. That is what is important. I think we forget that too often.

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  24. Great post! I love reading blogs where people do their best to be real because otherwise I feel like I am the only one out there without her shit together being perfect all the time! My fave blogger is Raven @ Don't quote the Raven. She cracks me up because she keeps it real even if it makes you cringe.

    I think its great that you are able to see the need for people to choose for themselves even if your religion does not. AND as for the baby thing. I am convinced I do not have that gene either and its hard to deal with people constantly wondering why or telling me I will change my mind!

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    1. Monica! I just fuond about 10 comments from you in my spam folder. I feel so bad that I have never read them or replied to them. But now I have! So welcome and thank you for always adding to the discussion.

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  25. I gotta say--I was frustrated throughout college my profs who insisted on basing part of our grade on discussion participation. Because I also have the tendency to be introverted, it was almost painful for me to "participate" as much as I should, and it was frustrating to me that those naturally loud and obnoxious kids could get all the grade points they wanted so easily. :P But in class you are able to do things that are hard for you. Maybe, though, because your kids are only in high school you are setting really high standards for them to be able to overcome their shyness. Some of that ability to overcome social awkwardness definitely comes with age and maturity, I'd say!

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    1. I definitely see your point on that Rachel. I guess my reasoning is that it is a type of many assessments that they do. Some kids aren't good at group work, but they are still graded on it, some kids aren't good at writing, so they are still graded on that. Yes, some kids might not enjoy speaking up in class, but it is a type of evaluation. I guess what bothers me is that instead of asking the kids to speak up more in class it was automatically my fault as a teacher... And the loud and obnxious kids struggle in other areas, believe me. It's just trying to teach to all learning styles.

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  26. This is probably one of my all time favorite posts written by you. It makes me want to give you a hug, take you out for coffee (or your preferred drink of choice cause you know... the Mormon thing...) and do something fun to make you smile. Honesty in blogging is something I've been thinking about a lot too lately, and it's something I'm working on. The people who put it all out there are my favorite to read because I know they are a real person. People who seem to have it all together freak me out.

    And I hear ya about parents. Why aren't they ever on our side? I don't understand!!!!!!! I'm not a teacher, but I'm a youth minister and just... YES.

    And I can't wait for book club tomorrow! I've already read TFIOS but I'm re-reading it really quick so it's fresh in my mind. I've already been having some thoughts so tomorrow will be fun. :)

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    1. I can't wait to hear your thoughts on it... I am hoping we get a good turn out and I even figured out how to reply TO comments (like I am right now! YIPPEE!) especially for the discussion for tomorrow. Such a profound book.

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    2. Isn't replying the best???? Once I figured out how to do it on my blog I haven't been able to stop! Such a great way to connect to your readers.

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  27. You're that blog for me…cue the orchestra! ;)

    Thanks for your honesty. Also- when I read your thoughts about wanting to do this writing thing full time and how it is "so real and brave" it reminded me of the journal/art/book I have called "The True and the Questions" by Sabrina Ward Harrison. Go to Amazon and buy it right now.

    As for your students begging you to stay-- worst/best feeling ever. Just trust God's leading and know that each adventure is beautiful and rewarding… even when it scares the poo out of you.

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    1. I can't wait to get this book! I have found you to be one of the best in recommending books that I love. What are you reading now? I am going to try to spend as much of my spring break as possible reading!

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  28. OH and I also read "The Anderson Crew" http://andersonfamilycrew.blogspot.com/

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  29. I like the honesty, and can totally relate to the bad side of myself coming out too often. I am trying to better myself and am constantly thinking of ways to be more patient with the dog, or traffic, or coworkers, etc, but it seems like I always fail. I recently discovered that I need to focus on being patient with myself because I AM trying, and it sounds like you are too :)

    Hopefully that ramble made sense, haha. Sounds like you have some great opportunities ahead of you!

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  30. this was such a great post. i never mind when you write longer posts because you are such an excellent writer. thanks for being honest and sharing. and thanks for voicing your opinion on gay marriage!

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  31. So to answer your question, the one thing that keeps me digging back through blog archives and checking for updates is a good story. Adoption story, love story, adventure story, story of loss, I will drop everything I am doing and read posts 1-45. I love the glimpse into someone else's life. My absolute all time favorite example of this is Kisses for Katie. You start reading that blog and need to go back to entry #1 because of how honest, addicting, and fascinating it is!

    Farrell

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  32. The parent should have been on your side. One day her B+ shy student might need to address a meeting at his future job, therefore they will need to get over their shyness and participate!! I mean what is she going to do, call their boss?!?!? Ugh!

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  33. Favorite blogs (beside yours and E's!):

    http://ashleyannphotography.com/blog/

    http://www.talesofmeandthehusband.com/

    http://megduerksen.typepad.com/whatever/

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  34. Awesome post, Bonnie! That takes a lot of guts to be so honest. I love it that you talked about your fights with hubs. My hubs and I sure have our battles, too, and every time I vow to be more kind and considerate next time...Truth is, we're all so multifaceted. When I'm having a good day, I'm the sweetest lady around. On bad days, though, watch out! No one can do or say the right thing all the time. You just hope that when you say the wrong thing, it's to someone who loves you unconditionally and will forgive you:) Thanks for sharing!

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  35. Loved the post and thank you for the honesty about fighting in marriage. PHEW! Love to hear it. My favorite honest blogger whom I check every day and love is Jenni from STORY OF MY LIFE. She's amazing. (aside from your blog of course)

    And I love that she responds to my comments sometimes so I feel important. I know you don't like to do that and it's quite the travesty to me.

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    1. It makes me sad that you say that I "don't like" to reply to comments. I love to reply to comments, I just struggle to find the time and unfortunately replying to comments often falls near the bottom of a big long list of priorities. I am trying to be better, though. Also, your profile is set to "no reply" so I can't respond by email to you :(

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  36. You're my favorite honest blogger. Duh.
    The other day I posted about a fight that my husband and I had and asked if he minded. He was like "Uh, why? People fight. It happens". I thought, oh honey, you don't read enough blogs to know how perfect everyone else's life has to look all the time!

    Also, your stance on marriage just made my day.

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  37. I read your blog because of the honesty and because I feel that I can relate a lot. I get sick of blogs that gloss things over. We all know everyone does not live the perfect life, so why do we paint it that way? I try to write once a week on Thursdays about something that I just want to be very honest about because I think it's important for us to let all of that out and not pretend to be someone else. I relate to you on many of the accounts you have written about today. Thinking about changing jobs is frightening. I lost my grandfather whom I was very close with two years ago and my heart breaks still. I hate parents too. They don't realize their students aren't always right and that the teacher is usually right. I'm selfish and don't want kids right now either and worry that I never will, yet everyone around me is a baby making machine. Gay marriage is awesome in my books. I am too stubborn and have a hard time watching what I say. I worry that if I quit teaching, my students will hate me or feel as though I am leaving them.

    Either way, I read blogs because I feel I can connect, and yours is definitely one of those which falls in that category.

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    1. I love the idea of having a day set apart to be as "honest" as possible. Maybe I will have to try that because otherwise it seems like it can get pushed out of the way.

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  38. Bon- I love your blog. Lately especially. You are right, about the honesty thing. I started reading a blog so many years ago about a mother whose son, a college student, had meningitis. It was on caringbridge and I was obsessed with following the progress. It was so so honest. Then he got better and she stopped. After that, I looked for more blogs like that. One of my all time favorites is Whatever -http://megduerksen.typepad.com She is a mother of 5 who is so real. I have read her for years. I even booked family pictures with her and got to meet her. (Weird to get to meet someone that you know almost too much about and they know nothing about you.) You are inspiring me to make some changes in my own life. have no fear, you and hubs can make these risky changes. it will be hard but oh so worth the risk. it won't turn out like you thought but it will be exactly what you need. keep up the honesty. I am going to do more of it. -Wendy

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  39. First of all -- I love your stance on gay marriage. I'm a new(ish) reader and you seem pretty damn honest to me. I also follow E -- she has an uncanny ability to connect with all different types of readers. I'm not a teacher or a wife and babies scare me, but I can't get enough of her. Also - Megan of Across the Pond and Sarah of Fairy Tales are True. And actually, there are a couple blogs that I read just because of how fabricated they sound. It gives me a laugh that they have to pretend their lives are perfect. I'll refrain from naming those, though.

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    1. Can't wait to check them out- thank you for the suggestions! I am going to keep myself busy this spring break!

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  40. 1.Yes you are strong enough to support your husband in his career choice. It comes with the territory of being married. Waiting tables has been my fall back job since high school - it's a skill I still use many years later. It's not all late nights and crappy. And who knows - waiting tables might be better than teaching in LA.

    2.Both my husband and myself do what we love. We don't make a bunch of money, but we are happy, which is worth more to us than money.

    3. Have you made efforts to work as a writer full time? Outside of the blog that is.

    4. I am married to a shy man and we have a shy daughter. He has had to learn to overcome his shyness and we are working to help her to do the same. What that parent did was wrong. Their shyness is just coming into play this late in the year? I cry bull. And by high school, those kids need to be figuring out how to deal with the world on their own, without their mommy interfering. That's the goal of parenting - to raise productive members of society that can fend for themselves.

    5. Who doesn't get frustrated with themselves sometimes?

    6. I didn't yearn for a baby. It wasn't until I was in my 30's that I *got* why people had them. There is nothing wrong with you because you don't want to have a baby now. And with you quitting your job, moving to California and the great unknowns your are facing, I don't think you're being selfish, you are being wise. One step at a time girl - let hubs get his career launched and you will still have plenty of time for babies.

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    1. Thank you Becky- you always leave the most sincere, thoughtful comments. In answer to your question about #3, the truth is I haven't put the effort into finding writing positions mainly because of the time issue. It's usually all I can do to get a post up at night and respond to a couple of emails. I am hoping that this summer I will be able to pursue it more heavily when I have more time. Have you told me that you have done parttime writing? I can't remember if it was you who told me that you did writing for gardening or if it was someone else...

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  41. Your my favorite blogger, I get upset when you don't blog or have some sort of sponsor thing going on because I don't get to hear from you.

    I don't agree with your stance but that is okay we all have the right to opinions. My opinion solidified when I was taking care of a five year old who told me that girls can date girls and boys can date boys and it made me sad to know that at five I was already going to have a difficult time teaching her god's truths because the world has already corrupted someone so innocent.

    I have had to give up career dreams and goals and joys for my husband and have had to take a nanny job because I couldn't get any other job. It stinks and sometimes I get up set but in the long run I hope it will make a difference for our future. I try to not be so short sighted when I get up set about sacrificing for him.

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    1. Ah, the gay marriage issue. It is so complex. I totally understand what you are saying and I agree that it is sad where kids don't see the world as men with women. No matter how strongly I believe that, though, my belief in agency and the plan of happiness is always stronger. The plan of happiness is all about choice so I can't see how I can deny others the choice. My feels on the matter are so complex.

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  42. My favorite blog has to be yours. I rarely am into blogging. Funny thing is, I have a blog and I've never used it. LOL Shows you how much I like to write things out. I'm outgoing and love being social, but perhaps that's not enough for me to feel as though I can be open enough to share my private thoughts to the world. I love your blog because it's real. I like how you share your hopes, dreams, loves and fears. You share them in a way that gives hope or insight to others. It's just that...real. My favorite one, (since I've started reading your blog), was when you talked about the snow storm and how you were so scared and all you could think of was your husband. I read this over and over; each and every time I cried like Niagra Falls. I couldn't help but look over at my fiance (we're getting married this June 21st) and think to myself how much he means to me and the reasons why I fell madly in love with him. That entry made my heart swell so big, I burst out. I had to share that entry. I shared it on Facebook and told all my friend to read your blog. I don't know if it did any good, but you deserve to have some recognition for being you. I may not know you in person, but I'm pretty sure our Heavenly Father gave you the gift of love and he wanted you to share that love with others. Keep being you and doing what you do. Because whatever that may be, it's make others smile. :D

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    1. You are so sweet Brenda! You should write more on your blog. I feel like writing helps me figure out the whole world and if I didn't write I wouldn't have any of my feelings concrete. Then again, maybe the world would seem much simpler for me if I didn't write :)

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  43. This was my favorite post yet. You talked about how you love a good "honest" blogger because you feel connected to them in some way. YOU ARE one of those bloggers. You and I are so different in so many ways, but so similar in others. I can totally relate to your feelings about fighting with your hubby, about where you are in life, etc. and it's so awesome to get to read your honest words and be able to relate. You're brave for doing so, I wouldn't be able to do the same and it must feel so freeing! ;) You will do great in California and kudos to you for making such a big change and taking on new experiences - that is what living is all about! Plus, I am bias because I live in LA and can't wait to hear all about your LA adventures!

    Thanks for being such an awesome blogger, truly.

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    1. This comment warms my heart. Thank you.

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  44. Loved this post, because it says what all of us have running in our head at all times in different variations. I think growing older and trying to be better people and dealing with life changes and reality is tough. We don't all have it together (not even close for me!) and it is refreshing to see honesty and truth in a blog.

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  45. I just found your blog yesterday and I totally dig it! My favorite blogs are All and Sundry (totally honest) and Harper's Happenings (again, totally honest). They are both moms (as am I) but they are normal and write about things other than motherhood.

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    1. Welcome! So glad to have you stopping by! :)

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  46. My favorite "honest" blog is Raven's. We all know Raven right?? I too, love E Tells Tales. Both are awesome :)

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  47. I absolutely love this post. I have a laundry list of favorite blogs, but my top three favorites are A SoCal Story, your blog, and Kisses from the Mrs. I absolutely love reading stories about your mission and I'm not really sure why they're so addicting because I'm not Mormon and I can't relate but they are. For some reason all of my favorite blogs are written by Mormons...

    I, too, want to be an honest blogger. I actually wrote a whole post yesterday about censoring myself, but I haven't published it yet. So can I share some of my truths with you?

    I feel like I'm watering down my faith. I feel like no matter what I blog, someone gets offended. I feel incredibly nervous for my visit to Utah this summer. I don't know what I'm going to do when I graduate college. I don't know if I even like my major anymore or want to do anything in the criminal justice field. I'm scared that I won't get married ever.

    And about the students whose mom called about their B+, wow! I understand where you're coming from concerning oral discussions, but I can somewhat see what the mom's point of view. I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, so speaking up in class is hard for me. But I would tell my teachers (or, now, professors) about the disorder and come up with a list of ways to help me speak up in class. But it sounds like the mom is completely out of line! Sheesh.

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    1. Thank you for sharing your truths! I definitely feel you on that "not matter what I blog, someone gets offended." It is so hard to write and not think about all the people who are going to read or disagree or be upset. In some ways blogging is hard in that way because anybody can read what we write. I try hard not to censor much, but I still do. Mostly because I know my mom reads this :)

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  48. Your truth about why aren't parents on your side. It reminds me of an email I got at work that is supposed to be a joke but it's the truth sadly. It's of like the 1950's and the teacher and parents look down on the boy because of the bad grade. Then the next one jumps to like 2010 or something like that and it's the student and the parents looking down on the teacher for the bad grade.

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    1. YES. I have seen that comic and it is so painfully true. I wonder why parents don't realize that they are actually doing a disservice to their children.

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  49. I think you're a wonderful honest blogger! Rebecca Woolf of Girl's Gone Child also tells it like it is, and she's drawn me in again and again for years. (Of course, her cute babies don't hurt). But I feel you on that, too...not exactly aching to start diapering anything anytime soon.

    www.jbound.com

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  50. In regards to that horrible mother, she is doing her sons a disservice by calling on their behalf to get them a better grade then they deserve! Is it fair that they don't have to participate like the other students? How are they going to manage their "shyness" in the real world if they don't start learning how? Is mommie going to call their future bosses and say "you were mean to Johnny" boo hoo!! Parents need to back up and let their kids fall down once in awhile and no not everybody deserves a trophy for participating!! Stand your ground you are the teacher you know best and sounds like you are doing a great job!

    Good luck in Cali its rough out here, you might wind up as a waitress but guess what we tip great ;)

    Lizz

    PS right now you are my fav honest blogger!

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  51. Hi Bon!

    I tweeted at you but also wanted to say here what an amazing post this was!! Thank you so much for being so honest!

    I'd so love if you stopped by my blog :)

    LB

    lbinwonderland.blogspot.com

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  52. This is such a great post! I think that is what draws me in to blogs as well, I keep coming back for that honesty. I think that's what allows readers to connect with the author.

    I love Jenni's blog at Story of My Life! I recently discovered Enjoying the Small Things, and her story is so moving. It brought me to tears.

    Good luck with your credential and getting a new job. It sounds like you're a wonderful teacher. I think teachers are under appreciated, but they make all the difference in a child's life.

    PS..Its good to dream big! If you want to write/blog for a career, there's nothing stopping you. Honest and thoughtful posts like this one will get you there :)

    xo

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    1. I love Jenni! She is one of my favorite bloggers. I also like Kelle Hamptom's blog, but I guess struggle to connect with her maybe just because of the sheer volume of people that read her blog. Does that make any sense at all?

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  53. New to your blog :) I adore E Tells Tales as well. She has a true gift for writing beautifully.

    I believe if your heart is in it, and you put the work in, you can achieve your dream of writing full time. Perhaps you will get to write for other publications, online or paper, as a result of your blogging connections. And maybe you can keep teaching a little bit by tutoring, or teaching an online writing class, or even teaching other bloggers new blogger skills. Or something- haha!

    If you`re not feeling the pull to have babies, then you`re not feeling it. Maybe someday you will feel the pull, or maybe not so much the pull as just a decision. Who knows. But there's always that question- do we want what we want because we are SUPPOSED to want it, or because we truly want it? If you desperately wanted it now, you would probably know, if not, take your time- that way you get to spend loads of time writing and maybe by the time you have kids you`ll be able to support yourself just with writing :-)

    Some Snapshots Blog
    Jess



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    1. Welcome Jess! So happy to have you here! And yes, I try to look at it that way... this babyless time is a great time to focus hard on my writing goals because heavens knows it will get more difficult to find the time when the little ones come.

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  54. Bonnie, I found your post so honest and intimate. YOUR blog is one that I love. It's one of the first ones I check for a new post and I seriously love reading every single one. When I read you blog sometimes I laugh hysterically, sometimes I smile to myself, most times I just feel like I COMPLETELY understand what you're saying.

    I feel like we are so similar in some ways >> I taught high school math for 2 years so I truly enjoy reading any of your posts about teaching trials / dilemmas / funny stories / etc. It was about a year ago from now that I officially resigned from my teaching job in order to do something completely unrelated. It was just a certain opportunity at the time that my husband and I couldn't pass up. Students' begging and questions were heart-breaking. It's hard when you have to leave something so good, but it's also important to put yourself / your marriage / your family life before a career. I'm sure it can also be scary to leave a good job when you don't yet have one in your future city; however, I am sure that God has a plan for you and it will work out. [Actually, when I got my first teaching job I had graduated college in May, job-searched all summer, and interviewed ON THEIR FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL for the job that I eventually got. So my first day of teaching was on their 5th day of school! Honestly, it was awful and stressful, but it was just part of God's plan.]

    I also feel like all my friends either have babies, want babies, or are trying to have babies and I'm just not at that place yet. I want to be more settled, pay off loans, and, frankly, have some more time for just my husband and I to enjoy life together. You are NOT selfish for not wanting that right now. I like to think that waiting until we are ready (or as ready as you'll ever be) will be better for the future babies, anyway.

    I truly think you could make a living off your blog and / or writing. I know I would for sure buy anything you ever wrote :) enjoy your blog - thank for sharing!

    sam

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    1. sam thank you so much for your encouraging words. I can't believe you found your job on the first day of school! So frightening! The thought of spending my summer job searching makes me want to cry. I guess God is trying to teach my patience.

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  55. My heart goes out to you for the loss of your dad. I lost mine almost 2 years ago and it seems some days there is something I want to tell him and then remember that I can't call him. Or I will see his truck at my parents house and think "cool, dad's home" then realize that he's not. I don't think that pain ever goes away. :(

    Bless you and your daddy!!

    Mendy

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    1. YES. I think those are the moments that hurt the most. The brief seconds where you forget that he's gone and you think, "Oh, I can't wait to tell dad about this."

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  56. Truth is...I love your blog because you make me laugh usually on a daily basis. Something I can look forward to after a long day of work and college classes!

    Hannah :)
    Words as Palindromes

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  57. I like your honesty and witty touches in your writing. I like to read about what you're doing in class and hope that one day I can return to that myself...even thou I'm still teaching but middle school IS NOT THE SAME (sorry caps were needed!!). I know teaching is hard and believe me I have had those parents...except my class are "Why does Joe Smith have an F?" " Because he's not doing his work" Ta-da...fancy footwork and jazz hands. I don't back down from parents because I have a pretty clear syllabus that keeps getting added to or modified when situations comes up....but I totally agree why can't parents be on the teacher's side and ummm...raise their kids better?! I look to you as one of my favorite "teacher blogs". Try not to worry too much about jobs out here in CA/ LA...I have faith you will find something (even if your absolute last resort is substitute teaching ...which has 95% chances of getting a long-term that turns into full time contract..true story for my husband and my old colleague )
    I love your stance on gay marriage, because it's a little surprising to hear you (and my other Mormon friends) support the equality issue, not necessarily a gay issue and I was not ready for a baby for a long time, but I always wanted kids (not in that obsessive "I want kids so bad" way...just in that "it will happen in the future when I'm ready" way) and I'm kind of thinking that maybe I'm almost ready hahaha
    **sorry this is long :)

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    1. No apologies for long comments! Thank you for your encouragement with the job market in California... you have been so kind and helpful. I have to just keep telling myself that what is supposed to happen will happen. Substitute teaching actually might be nice. It's like babysitting- none of the actual responsibility of how the kids turns out- just the temporary making sure that they don't kill each other! :)

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  58. Is it terribly egocentric of me to respond that I'm my favorite honest blogger? I sometimes use anger to mask hurt, but most of my writing is pretty personal. Today one of my best friends IMed me to say that a friend of hers had read my blog (not knowing my identity) and felt inspired to be more vulnerable with her writing in her own anonymous blog. I almost cried reading her first vulnerable blog post, written just a few days ago.

    If I can't toot my own horn with this response, then I would say you (although written out, it totally looks like sucking up to you, when I promise it's true!). I love how quirky you are, and your exploration with faith issues, and your memories of your dad. The sponsored posts do feel a little fake (they're way better than how some bloggers do them, but they're not as *real* as the rest of your writing), but most of your writing is very Bonnie. At least, I'm assuming it's a true reflection of your personality because it's not as though we're friends IRL... you could totally be scamming all of us with your invented honesty...

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    1. I don't think it's egocentric at all! I love the confidence and if we don't love what we have to say, how do we expect other people to love what we have to say? I have to say that I admire so much of what you write. Sometimes I would love to write anonymously. Just the fact that I use my name takes away half of the things I would like to say :)

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  59. You are so brave, friend. I want to respond to all of this but it'd be gigantic.

    So I just want to say: The teacher in you will never die. And you can teach a lot of things by writing.

    If I got a B+ I cried. But nothing was ever morally wrong about me deserving it.

    I support gay marriage for the exact same reason.

    My grandpa passed away in September 2011, and writing that out still makes me want to cry.

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  60. Bon Bon you are my sista from a Mormon mister. I love reading about your relationship with your dad. I love you are able to keep an open mind and be friends with a semi-liberal like myself and I love that we are going to be famous authors someday.

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  61. You know I love a blog when I visit every day and leave a comment even if it is number 89 and I am not sure if it is going to be read or not........now because I am such a nice stalker/follower I am going to pop on over to E TELLS TALES and have a look at what all the fuss is about.......you know I have many favourite bloggers it is hard to narrow it down.........

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    1. Jo-Anne you are so sweet! I have to say I am terrible at responding to comments but I do notice that you comment on almost every single post I write and I appreciate that so much. You are such a loyal reader- I'm so lucky to have you along!

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  62. You have definitely become my favorite honest blogger. I would love to be able to blog like you do. I'm a bad blogger, I always have intentions of going at it strong, but I slack because struggle so much with what to write about. And then I go home and write 5 pages in my personal journal. It's like as much as I don't want to, I freeze up when I know there's a chance of anyone reading it (even though not many people do).

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    1. It is always easier for me to write in my journal as well because no one can critique me or get mad at me for what I write. In my writing classes they used to always say you must always consider your audience when you are writing, but with blogging I have found the opposite to be true. I have to pretend like the audience doesn't exist or else the blog turns into something else completely.

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  63. S Woosh!! you meant honesty didn't you?? you are so brave to say all of these things... I definitely feel for you with the teaching.. teaching is a battlefield these days..its hard to put so much in and realize how dispensible we become... but you have alot of spunk... share it..

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  64. "What makes you love a blog? I'm talking read and read and delve into the archives, and then check every day for a new post even when you know for a fact there will be no post because she already posted once that day or she announced she will be gone all week. That kind of love."

    Um say what? That sounds like me with your blog. I promise you!

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    1. HAHA! You are too kind!

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  65. You have totally inspired me with this :)! Oh and E tells tales was one of my VERY first blog readers ever... she is amazing!

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  66. I'm obviously way behind on blog reading and swore I wasn't going to comment so I could catch up. I couldn't help it. I love love love this post so much! I really love a real honest blogger, and this post is perfect.

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  67. I love this! I love the honesty and I try to be an honest blogger balancing the fun stuff and the times when I need to let it all out, ya know? But I truly enjoy writing and sharing with others and even if I'm not that great at it and have mis punctuation and runons, I'm still going to do it because it fulfills something for me ;)
    You keep on keepin on, girlie ;)
    Kaara @ In the Kitch with Kaara

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  68. I just barely found your blog through Crowley Party, and I absolutely connect with you (maybe just because I'm a Language Arts teacher too!). I appreciate your thoughts so much today--I have been thinking so much lately about the subject of pregnancy and how I've never felt "baby hungry" and how I always feel like "I don't really want to be a parent yet and I don't see that changing anytime soon," but so often I feel so much pressure from everyone around me to get pregnant already (especially since--hold your breath--I'll be turning 27 this year and haven't even started trying). And even though I know in the end, my decision about having kids will be based on timing more than anything, I still sometimes wish that my female genes were more "normal" and that I was excited for that time to come.

    So I guess what I'm trying to say is thanks. I needed to connect with someone honestly today!

    http://autodidacticambitions.blogspot.com

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  69. Writing is teaching. No matter if it's in the physical form or on paper. You are teaching others through your blog, that others are "normal". I love the honesty in posts. The world is not a perfect place, and those that try to pretend are lost. I really need to stop stalking you now :)

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    1. oh yes, and this motherhoodandthingsnoonetoldyou.blogspot.com

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  70. Im presently living in California, in a teeny apt away from family, and its awesome (most times). It can suck but its what you make of it, right? You will do well!

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  71. i knew this was a book club selection of yours. i just now realized yall had read it. here's my post: http://bit.ly/15c3XWz.

    your questions:
    + Do you see Hazel as a likeable narrator? How about a realistic one? yes
    + Why did Green choose to add Peter Van Houten and the trip to Amsterdam to the story? How did that affect or change the book? i don't know. i wasn't crazy about that part, but i guess it was necessary.
    + Was the book too sad or tragic for you or did it somehow leave you feeling uplifted? How? sad and tragic, because i loved gus. he was awesome. but i'm glad he and hazel were there for each other.
    + There are some graphic scenes including Gus peeing his own bed and vomitting all over himself. Why do you think Green chose to add these. Are they appropriate? to make his illness more real, to contradict the life, for lack of a better word, to make him more vulnerable.
    + What makes Gus and Hazel's love story unique? Do you see them as real characters- why or why not?
    + Would you suggest this book to someone who has cancer or is close to someone with cancer? Why or why not? no. probably because they've got cancer on their minds too much as it is.
    + The book is classified as "young adult" fiction. Do you think this is an accurate genre for the book, or do you consider it too deep for that age group? On the back cover of the book it says that Green writes "for youth rather than to them". What do you think that means? i liked that it had some meat on its bones. i liked how raw it could be. i loved how light it could be. maybe what he means is that he can appeal to that part of themselves that encourages them to be more mature, to be a part of the world, a contributor to it rather than a bystander. maybe that he treats them more respectfully, believes them more capable? i'm not sure how to say it.
    + What did you think of the end of the book? Did it give you enough closure? yes. i liked it.
    + What did you think of Green's description of Hazel's grieving process immediately following Gus' death? What touched you the most about those scenes? he did well, i think. the last page.
    + What is the significance of the title of the novel? i don't know. but i liked it.

    favorite honest bloggers: jenny lawson (the bloggess--http://bit.ly/15xu5v3) and alexis lesa (depressions and confessions--http://bit.ly/12yY8jq).

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  72. I just stumbled over from Daily Tay and I just wanted to say that you are awesome. Just awesome. You've got a new follower :)

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  73. Not wanting children doesn't make you selfish and it definitely doesn't make you less of a woman. Dont listen to that bullshit.

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