Wednesday, November 06, 2013

Kids these days? Parents these days!



Kids get a bad rap these days.

Nearly every time I tell someone that I teach at a high school they gasp in amazement, "Teenagers?  Wow, you are brave!  How do you do it all day?"

I usually just kind of smile and say, "I know- I'm nuts!" and most of the time that ends the conversation there.

But sometimes the conversation goes on.  Sometimes those people are insistent on proving to me that I have made a terrible life decision in spending 182 days a year 8 hours a day with such little rats.  They have many complaints about "teenagers these days" and they make sure I know them all:

Teenagers are lazy!
Teenagers are entitled!
Teenagers don't do a lick of work!
Teenagers are dishonest!
Teenagers are narcissists!
Teenagers are addicted to their cell phones!!
Teenagers don't have any respect!
Teenagers won't read if their lives depended on it!
Teenagers only care about themselves!
Teenagers are full of excuses!

The conversation usually ends in a huff and a puff and a "kids these days!"  I stay mum because I'm not one to waste energy on a pointless fight, but I always think to myself,  "You've got it wrong.  It's not the kids.  It's the parents."

Because the fact is that some teenagers are those things.  And the trends show that more and more teenagers are that way with every passing year.  I was talking to one of my favorite teachers yesterday after school.  He's taught at this high school 33 years and he said to me, "I tell you, Bonnie, it gets worse every year and it's only going to continue to get worse.  The ninth graders this year are something else entirely.  They don't have a clue in the world of what's going on.  If I could have known 33 years ago what I'd be dealing with today I never would have believed it."

But I firmly believe that it's not teenagers' fault.  It's their parents fault.

Teenagers are lazy because their parents don't make them do chores around the house.  They are lazy because this generation of parents will happily do the work their kids don't.  They are lazy because when they don't want to go to school mom calls and excuses them. (I can't even tell you how many times I have seen a perfectly well student prance out of my classroom with an excusal note from mom that they are "sick").  They are lazy because when they are not ready for a test mom says they can stay home.  They are lazy because instead of part time jobs they have playstations.

Teenagers are entitled because they are given cell phones at 10 years old.  They have no idea what it costs to pay for the cell phone, the never ending text messages, the oh so important apps.  They go for a decade (at least!) owning a cell phone without ever having to pay a cent for it.  They are entitled because they are given iPads and xBoxes for Christmas and when the next Christmas rolls around they get the newest addition just. for. being. them!   They are entitled because they got a brand new car for their 16th birthday and parents make the car payments and cover the insurance and do you need gas money, honey?

Teenagers don't have any respect because no one ever showed them how.  I distinctly remember my first year of teacher when a kid stormed into my classroom, giving me attitude about a quiz I wouldn't let him make up.  He was raising his voice and very clearly upset and I said firmly, "You leave this classroom and when you come back you show me some respect or else I will not be working with you."  No one ever talks to me that way and I never talk to anyone else that way.  He was clearly taken aback and apologized immediately, "I didn't mean to show disrespect, I'm just frustrated."  When mom came for parent teacher conference four weeks later I watched in embarrassment as he sassed off to her, made snide remarks, treated her like dirt and she just took it.  She never corrected him, never taught him how to have a conversation with respect.  She cowered.  And then kids come charging into the high school using the same attitude they learned to use with their parents and all us teachers shake our heads and say, "kids these days." Nope.  Not kids these days.  Parents these days.

Teenagers are addicted to their cell phones because they have no limits on when and how often they can use them.  They are given free reign and don't have the age or maturity yet to know how to monitor or limit themselves.  They are addicted to their cell phones because when they go out to dinner with the family the parents let them tweet and text and play candy crush through the entire meal.  They are addicted to their cell phones because they look at mom and mom is on her cell phone, not bothering to engage in a conversation with them.  No one is telling them when is okay to have their phone out and so it's always okay.

Teeangers won't read because their parents don't read to them.  They weren't read to as children.  They have no books in the house.  Their parents have never told them what their favorite book is because parents don't have a favorite book.  Teenagers don't read because families don't discuss books and because when a student doesn't like to read the parents asks his English teacher if he can just pass the class without having to do the reading please?  Teenagers don't like to read because they weren't raised on it, they were never shown its beauty, they were only shown a TV.

Teenagers are full of excuses because their parents allow the excuses.  They don't want to roll out of bed in the morning so they have "depression" and mom doesn't make them go.  They can't focus on Shakespeare, they're bored, so boom, the kid has adhd.  He needs extra time for his assignments and he doesn't have to complete the whole thing.  When kids fail the class the parents call in, raging mad at the teacher, not the student, because surely something like that could not be the student's fault.

Teenagers are narcissists because their parents told them they can do no wrong.  Their parents told them they are special and beautiful and better than all the other kids so teenagers think they are special and beautiful and better than all the other kids.  They are told they are perfect, that they can't mistakes, that they are above discipline and above rules.  If a kid doesn't like a teacher then lets just switch him out.  Get him a new teacher instead of learning how to deal with a clashing personality.  Lets hand pick his whole schedule because only the best for our superior child.

So no.  I don't believe teenagers are getting worse with every year.  I believe the parents are, and that's the sad truth.


I realize this is a fairly pessimistic view of parents today, but the fact of the matter is I'm tired of teenagers having to take the brunt of the blame for their generation.  They are only what they are because they were raised that way.  I also realize that there are millions and millions of teenagers who have none of the above qualities.  I see them every day.  I teach hard working, funny, smart kids who show respect and bust their butts for my class.  And it ain't hard to see- those kids are also that way because of their parents.

60 comments:

  1. I totally agree with you here! I'm always blaming parents.. always! I want a child so very badly but I'm scared for the day that I have to confront another parent or deal with their ignorance that has been passed onto their child.

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  2. I think you're 100% right with this post - I'm not a teacher, but I even see this affecting many of my peers in the workplace. The sad thing is that a lot of teenagers don't get positive role models and teachers to expect better of them (like you do of your students!) either. The working world doesn't take kindly to that behavior and it's hard for those people to stick around and dig in when things get difficult.. Great post Bonnie!

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  3. I'm with you here! It is the parents! I hope I can raise my girls to act as they should and to not be entitled buttheads. It is hard to be patient sometimes. It's easier to just do what needs to be done, but it pays offs to let them learn and not give in. Great post!

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  4. I absolutely love this. You hit the nail on the head. I taught swim lessons for years and it's amazing how early kids will start sassing you or refusing to follow the rules and the worst part was the parents were sitting right there watching their kid disrespect me and then pull their kid from the class and blame me for it. Parents continually make excuses for their kids. Great post Bon.

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  5. Love. Love. Love. Best post to date in my opinion. You hit the nail right on the head, Bonnie. As a fellow English teacher, I agree with every single observation you made. I'm printing this off to show my co-workers. I needed this at mid-term reporting period. I'm tired, too, girl.

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  6. I agree with you 100%!!!!!!!!! NAILED IT!!!

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  7. I have to totally agree with this post because as a teenager myself, I had to endure students who lacked structure and discipline from their parents (had to go to court because someone's "daughter" felt violated after I told her "I wanted to learn" before she told me she would want to open up a can of whoop A on me - yeah, I know right!). It is truly sad to say but it is true. Teenagers are only the way they are by what they are raised around.

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  8. Hell yes!!!!

    It's not pessimistic, it's REALISTIC.

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  9. I just stumbled across your blog and I already like what I see! I taught in a middle school for awhile. I know all too well the incredulous looks that come your way when you tell people you actually went to school for 4+ years to work with teenagers. There really are good kids out there, but they often don't have the support, structure, or discipline at home that they need to become their best selves. Yet, all of the pressure is being placed on teachers to try and improve the education system. As a teacher you can have an orderly, respectful, and effective classroom environment, but when these things don't extend to their home life it doesn't amount to much in their lives.

    Anyway, I think you nailed it. And, I'm excited to read more of your posts :)

    Autumn
    http://theausamlife.blogspot.com/

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  10. AMEN. You nailed it, Bon. Nailed it.

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  11. Oh wow... I'd never heard of this perspective before. In saying that, I don't have that much interaction with teens. I might see a group on the tube or occasionally a bus, and they are generally very loud and obnoxious. Usually I sit silently through it, and remember the days when I was loud and obnoxious, and cared very little what the public thought of my social circle.

    Good job you, for seeing the multiple facets of why teens are they way they are. Championing for them even outside the classroom. HIgh five, you :)

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  12. Couldn't agree more!! Just read an article on helicopter parents yesterday and those parents are the ones creating the teens you described!! Great blog post!

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  13. I completely see where you are coming from...and honestly, it inspires me to NOT raise a teenager as described (mind you, my daughter is only 2...but I know what values we want to instill in her!!) I especially want to make sure that she keeps loving books! ;)

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  14. Agreed!!! Yesterday I read a news story about a mother crying "It's just not fair" because her son was killed while committing Armed Robbery. Really? Not fair is if her kid had killed someone's father/mother/child.
    My mom taught us respect, right from wrong and was an amazing example. She was the hardest working mom I knew and still managed the house and all of us girls.
    Great post!

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  15. Totally agree. Kids need rules and boundaries and to be shown that they are not the centre of the universe. By all means tell your child you love them, praise them and let them know when they have done well. But on the other hand, tell them when they have messed up and correct them when they do something wrong. Unfortunately I feel by the time kids get to be teenagers it is almost too late. DO NOT LET A 7 YEAR OLD DICTATE YOUR LIFE. Set the rules when your child is small enough to learn.

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  16. TRUTH. My mom teaches middle school kids, and from her experiences I know it's all about the parents. She deals with parents who say things like "I never finished 8th grade, and I did alright!" It's definitely an uphill battle, and one reason I am SO SCARED of raising kids is because, what if my kids end up like that? I'm hoping that the fact that myself and my husbands parents didn't put up with crap from us will help us be the good parents they were.

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  17. Amen! I love this post. Sometime recently asked me what I would change about the public education system if I could change ONE thing. I honestly said (and believe) I'd start with changing the parents. I have two main rules: I don't deal with laziness or excuses. ..imagine how difficult that is at times.

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  18. I 100% agree with you, and of course it makes me terribly nervous as a parent. I want to make sure I do the best for my daughter, and raise her right, and it's a big task! I'm sharing this with my friends.

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  19. PREACH IT SISTA FRIEND AMEN! Because honestly... one of the reasons I'm excited for leaving youth ministry isn't because of the teenagers. ITS THE PARENTS. I'm sick and tired of them. They constantly complain about kids, but I'm like "YOU"RE THE ONE WHO IS RAISING THEM!" Not all parents are awful, I have some fantastic parents that I work with. But seriously, they drive me nuts. I took the youth to Texas this summer and the kids were perfect. We have an awesome relationship and we trust each other. I had ZERO behavior problems. The two moms who came with us though - COMPLETELY different story. They almost ruined the entire trip for me. And yeah, there are some kids who just behave badly even if they have amazing parents. But they're the exception to the rule.

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  20. YES! Thank you! Couldn't agree more. Thanks for always being so honest and real - it's refreshing! :)

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  21. I could not agree more! The parents are the problem, not kids. And I think that every day there's more parents as you described in your post. I want to have children of my own and I would never ever raise them like this. But I'm afraid they might not like me for that - because their schoolmates will be able to stay at home "sick" when they won't study enough to pass the test, but I will send mine to school so the next time they will know that they have to study. I'm even considering writing a post "Why I think my children might hate me", but I'm not sure yet if I have balls to do it. I guess I'll just have to wait and see! :)

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  22. Being a high school teacher has done more for me as a parent than any other thing ever. I could tell story after story of why this is all true. I can't believe it when moms will say they have no control over their kids because they've out grown them. Moms! YOU have the food, YOU have the money, YOU have the car, YOU can disconnect the tv, YOU can take away the phone, video games, iPad, yadda yadda. I hate when women act so powerless to their teenage children especially their sons. Thank you for this.

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  23. All of this, Bonnie. You are right on ALL of this!! Whenever I read a whopper of a blog post like this it's hard to encapsulate all my thoughts in a few sentences worth of a comment, so I'll just leave you with you are 100% correct on all of this!! You said it all perfectly. Well done =)

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  24. I LOVE this post! It is incredibly accurate. I've seen this is my own family as I watch my parents get a little more lax with the discipline with my younger siblings. I think a large part of the problem is that we have too many parents who are more focused on being their kids' friends instead of being their parents. Unfortunately discipline is seen as a bad thing these days and parents who aren't afraid to follow through with punishment are seen as mean or unfair. That couldn't be more wrong- structure molds children into great members of society! Thank you, thank you for writing this.

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  25. I think this is my favorite post you've ever written. I have two little boys and I hope to raise them the way I was raised - to respect others, work your butt off, help others, and to be nice. Well said Bonnie!

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  26. THIS THIS THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE when I see the way other children talk to their parents. Boomer tries it with me, but Im quick to ask her 'Just who exactly are you speaking to young lady? I know its not me wit h that tone!' I read books to her, she's had her own book shelf since before she could walk/read. I don't do her work for her, no matter how much she cries and freaks out. I don't make excuses for her either. She didn't study for a spelling test like I instructed and ended up with a D. Sometimes you have to bump your head to learn. I LOVE THIS POST!!!! I refuse to raise a spoiled, entitled kid. She's not getting a cell phone either. No way. I had to wait til 15, and I paid for the darn thing.

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  27. preach!

    Love that you stood up and stated your opinion. I wish we could examine what made the parents that way. Is it their generation or their upbringing? I understand the boomer generation but are today's parents still considered the boomer generation?

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  28. I love this! Funnily enough, yesterday I started writing a post about how today's young adults get a lot of flack for being lazy/entitled/incompetent/etc... and it really frustrates me. I'll definitely link to your post if and when I ever publish my rant. Also I'm sharing it with my dad because he's a super strict fellow that I think will agree with everything you say. I'm glad my parents raised me differently than that...all though I will admit that once or twice my mom let me stay home from school just because. I was a hard worker and very busy throughout high school and some days you just can't deal. I'm grateful they did that too.

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  29. Excellent post Bon. Now the next question is why??? Why are parents so sucky? If you look at past generations, what has been considered "the greatest generation" are those who were raised during the Great Depression and WWII era where they learned hard work, sacrifice, self reliance, discipline, character, moral courage, etc. etc. That was the standard of the day. Then what happened after that? Women's movement, sexual revolution, hippy movement, etc. I think this is where the trouble started. Women began having a disdain for men, being in the home, and raising children, yet they still had children. Marriage, family values, home making (gasp! it sounds so archaic), all went down the tube. Now more women are out of the home, divorce is more prevalent than ever, kids are pawned off to day cares, kids are left to fend for themselves, parents feel guilty, so they indulge instead of discipline. My theory anyway. I might get some flack for it, but that's what I think is the source of the break up of the family. It all comes back to the women. We women don't realize how much power we have!

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  30. I couldn't agree more! I worked with a student in elementary school last year that was reading at a second grade level and could barely write....she was in fifth grade! There was no reason for this and I actually was told by her parents that I shouldn't be sending home homework and that it should be all completed in school! (gasp!) I sent it home anyway and it came back....in her parent's handwriting.
    There is no discipline anymore either. I went to that exact same elementary school as a kid and we were given detention for misbehavior. Today I watch kids swear at teachers and stand on their desks yelling and they don't get any consequences because the parents response is usually "my child would never do such a thing"...

    Working in education has made me appreciate my parents that much more. I have a severe disability and the fact is my whole life I've been more successful than my non-disabled companions and the reason is my parents. They thoroughly believed schooling didn't end with the end of the school day. They constantly read to me as a kid, got me involved, etc. Unless I was severely sick, I was in school. I still remember the day when my little brother was crying because he was so tired that he didn't want to go to school. It was just before Christmas break and my brother had been at school until midnight the day before due to swim, choir, band and drama practice. My mother sent him anyway since he had two exams that day and he was the only one to show up from that peer group. He was upset at the time, but looking back he understands my mother's decision and respects it.

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  31. Great post. I enjoyed reading it, but I did not enjoy realizing that I am guilty of making life a little too easy for my teen. I was "one of those parents" last year, trying to get my daughter's schedule changed. Long story short, she stayed in class and passed. Unfortunately, the teacher really was a problem and was not invited back for a second year. I wish I had read this before being so sure my little darling would never exaggerate or manipulate me to get what she wanted. Nevertheless, great post. I am new to your blog and loving to hear the teacher's side. Thank you!

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  32. yes, YES AND YES! I teach at the college level and you would be amazed about how many times i get parents wanting to talk to me about their kid's grade. im like "NOOOOOOOOO, stop you are seriously doing them an injustice!"

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  33. BAM! Love this post!

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  34. This is by far one of my favorite posts! You're totally right, it's all in how they're raised. I told my mom just the other day that the way I hear some kids talking to their parents would have gotten me beat when I was a child. And my parents never laid a hand on me, but seriously! The respect issue is a big one for me, I work with people who can't show enough respect to get anything accomplished because those of us who value being respected won't deal with them. It's unfortunate that these kids are raised this way because the attitude won't end when they graduate high school and it will be a disservice to them down the line.

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  35. LOVE this! Just yesterday, I had a student tell me that his mom finished his story for him since he was tired and had to go to bed. I really don't think we give teenagers enough credit. They are (for the most part) remarkable kids who really do want to succeed.

    Great post-- thank you!

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  36. I'm so glad to see the someone else gets it! My husband and I have this conversation at least weekly. When did this sense of entitlement become the norm?

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  37. Amen. You nailed it! It's not much better in elementary schools, either!

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  38. Loved this post! You nailed it and I couldn't agree more with all you said.

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  39. This is absolutely spot on. I teach middle school and I could not agree with you more. I've also only been teaching for seven years and it is dramatically worse each year.

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  40. I'm a big big fan of this post! Big, big, huge fan!! I've sent it to all of my teacher friends and the teachers I had in school that I'm still close with! They all loved it and praised you! LOVE THIS POST!

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  41. THIS IS SO TRUE! Bonnie, I started reading your blog a few months ago (also, coincidentally (or not so much) when I started my first high school English teaching job) because I love reading about your experiences in the classroom. I can relate! I understand and I love every teaching post because I live and breath it everyday now too! Going into teaching, people warned me about the grading, the endless stack of papers, the lazy kids, the attitudes of freshman (I only teach freshmen this year), on and on. None of those things have even slightly tainted my view on or love of teaching. Parents, however, have been nagging/pestering/terrifying me since day one. These poor kids.

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  42. I will NOT be that parent! And I hope our generation sees these trends and that we fix it! :) At least a little... :)

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  43. I agree with you on all of your points. Thanks for being bold and saying something. My parents did not raise me this way but I know friends who were raised this way and like many others have said in the comments, I will not raise my kids this way. I grew up being respectful and was not lazy and was actually raised in a Christian home so I had very different values and ideas than a lot of my friends. I appreciated the way that my parents raised me and I intend to do the same for own children someday.

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  44. Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times--yes!

    As a teacher, I completely understand what you're saying and agree. It's sad, really. The entitled behavior learned from home. I actually had a parent tell me that I had to give a student "3 to 5 chances to make a mistake because he's 'behind the learning curve'". How quickly that student caught up to the learning curve when I told him I was going to correct his behavior ONE TIME or else he would face dire consequences.

    I wish I could love this post even more.
    Great writing as always!

    Ace
    www.eatpraywod.blogspot.com

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  45. Oh. My. Goodness. I couldn't agree more! I say it's the parents more than the kids all the time....I have no idea why more people don't see it! Great post!

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  46. So true! When I talk to teachers, they say they have more problems with the parents than the kids, and if the kids have problems, you see it first in the parents! Teenagers are often more reasonable ...

    I thoroughly enjoyed reading this post - you're one of my favourite bloggers!!

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  47. I work with juveniles, and I`m in these kind of discussion every day. I agree that parents of today are making their children spoiled and lazy. However, it`s not to only blame the parents. In my country the society makes them have to buy their child a phone, to let them stay long outside and stuff like that. Cause if their child don`t have that like his peers, he will be rejected. And then we have another problems... It`s tough to be a parent today in this world of mixed up values...

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  48. This is so true. And definitely points out a lot of things about how I definitely do not want my kids to be raised!

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  49. This is absolutely SPOT ON. My favorite was always the parent that explained why their child was always too tired in class to stay awak-- "They stay up too late watching tv even though I tell them not to!" Me: "Where is the tv?" Parent: "In their bedroom." Me: "Well, have you ever thought of taking the tv out of their room?" Seems like a total "Duh!" moment. And what??? I STILL don't have a tv in any other room than our living room because I can't afford more than one. So how does a kid get their own tv?!

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  50. I don't have a teenager yet, but your observations make so much sense!! I hope I'm the mom of the second teenager you mention at the end...I see those teens, too, and they are pretty amazing. Because of their parents!!

    Wonderful post. Thanks for sharing!

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  51. Can I just say...your observations about teaching are always. spot. on. How can I say that? Because I taught high school for two years? It overwhelmed me. Not just because of the teenagers and their parents, but because the administration was also scared of the student/parent force. I was obligated to pass students on technicalities. It just sickened me. It sounds like you're in a slightly better school system. Thanks for always putting your positive spin on teaching Bonnie. You always make me feel a little less pessimistic about teaching in the future!

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  52. I'm going to be the one that says I respectfully disagree to some of this. I'm sure you weren't targeting ALL parents and ALL kids and their behaviors, but I did write a response to your piece. I'd love to hear what you think.
    http://www.definingmyhappy.com/2013/11/are-parents-always-to-blame-for-bad.html

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  53. Hi Bonnie,

    as a teacher from Germany who teaches English at a vocational high school I have to say, when I read through the list I found myself nodding my head to each one your points made. I'm not a mom myself yet and I also have to remark, that there are parents who work their butts off to raise their children properly and they still end up being egoistic, selfisch, bad-mannered etc...
    Nevertheless I think one of the biggest problems of today's society, regarding parenting and education, is the attitude of blaming always someone else for the things that went wrong instead of looking at ourselves first.
    I do love my job and I can't think of doing something different for the rest of my life, but as the comic above states, doing a good job as a teacher is becoming more and more difficult with parents who either think they know it all especially when it comes to how to teach their kids the best and or who think that it is our job to raise their kids and to teach them the values and norms needed...
    I look forward to more :)...thank you for your viewpoint!

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  54. I agree with you on some things here. I had to pay for my own mobile (cell) phone, with my mum helping me out a bit because i was 14 and didn't have a job but I saved up from winning an art competition and chores around the house and babysitting a few kids.

    In our house we discuss books all the time, there are books lying around everywhere, we have to shift books just to sit down on the couch. i was read to constantly as a child, and not just children's books, but also Greek myths and Harry Potter. We have discussions at the dinner table about world news, and out of the five of us, including my parents, one of my sister's only reads her twitter and instagram feed, but she's just started reading the Hunger Games.

    When I was 12, still a kid, I was diagnosed with depression and hospitalized because I had attempted to commit suicide, 12 and depressed. There are teenagers who have REAL problems and they want teachers to notice. How about instead of saying that they're not real you do something about it?

    Two out of the three English classes last year studied Shakespeare and I was in the one that didn't study it, out of the 12 of us in that class, 9 were disappointed that we were doing Of Mice And Men instead of Macbeth or Julius Caesar.

    My grade is a class of 25 students, and out of us 25, I know that 18 of us were read to as children, 5 come from bad families (abused, neglected, parents are drug addicts, struggling single parents etc.) and there's two who hardly show up at school; and out of the 18 that were read to as kids, 6 of us still avidly read every day, the others read facebook news feeds and make up magazines.

    As part of a school project we ran an event in our town to raise money for cancer charities, we raised over $5000 and received a lots of letters to the school saying how polite and kind we were, and how great of a success it was.

    I agree that there are parents who are to blame for teenagers are horrible, but don't knock everyone. We're not all idiots and spoiled brats.

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  55. This is my Facebook Community page where change happens. I need more people like you guys on there so we can come together and make change happen! https://www.facebook.com/pages/Live-with-Purpose/628673247158720?ref=hl

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