The Life of Bon: A Blogger's How-To Guide. But for real. You need this.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

A Blogger's How-To Guide. But for real. You need this.

One day I would like to do some kind of comedy routine with my friend, Tay Tay.  You know, like we get up on stage together and spit water on each other's face and act like real fools and have a blast doing it? THAT kind of comedy routine.

But because I've never met Tay Tay and because we live 24 states apart, a blog comedy routine will have to do. Taylor's about my favorite blogger to work with because she's hilarious and always has a lot of funny ideas and just brings a lot to the table, you know?

So we've combined today for some blogging tips.  We all know you need to know how to write on a blog, so we're here to help you out!  Everything you will ever need to know to be a killer blogger.  This is important stuff guys, so if I were you I'd grab a pen and paper right now.



How to take a good photo:
TayBloggers, this one is essential! Here's my secret, I just always try to feel as uncomfortable as possible and then hope Instagram will magically turn that look of discomfort on my face into a presentable photo. It also helps if you shrug your shoulders, turn your knees in, and coyly look away from the camera. I also really like to pose with my dog, or a glass of wine. Animals and alcohol are always very photogenic.

How to master your self timer on the camera:
Bon-  Place the camera carefully on a table.  Then, set the timer for ten seconds.  Five seconds ain't nearly enough!  Run as fast as you can to your designated standing spot.  Freeze, smile, and act like you haven't just done a mad dash.  Remember to smile for the picture because you don't want no pic of you just standing there frowning like an idiot.  Do your best to hold a normal pose.  No one wants to look like a fool.  
Perfect picture!

No-no #1:  Acting like a fool.

No-No #2:  Standing like an idiot, not knowing that the camera is going off.

How to take photos of your food when you're at a restaurant:
Tay- Just do it as quickly and discreetly as possible! I often act like I'm sending a text message, or better yet reading a text, and then as soon as my food is set down BOOM! I grab a shot before anyone can judge me notices.

How to deal with spacing issues on blogger:
Tay- You just have to pray on this one, it's your only hope.
Bon-  Bang on the keyboard and yell a few choice words.  Works like a charm.

How to pretend you're not addicted to blogging:
Bon- Tell everyone that you don't check your stats and you don't care who reads your blog.  Publicly declare on your own personal corner of the web that you blog for you and no one else!

How to explain your blog-friends to your real-life friends:
Tay- This one can get kind of tricky as some people just don't understand that "online friends" aren't nearly as creepy as they sound. I recommend just making it easy on yourself by simply referring to blog friends as "cousins" or "coworkers" from now on. Trust me, there will be a lot less questions this way.

How to talk about your boy in blogland:
Tay- Never refer to him by his first name. Think of a cute nickname like "hubs" or "hubby" or "hubbster" or "bubster" or "the mister" or "Chris." See you all think my boyfriend's name is Chris, but in reality it's actually Kevin. Jk it's Chris. I think I missed the memo on the nicknames.



Bon-  STEP ONE:  Follow Tay's advice about cutesy nickname.  STEP TWO:  Never mention any disagreements in your life.  The blog world cannot know that you might not have the perfect relationship.  STEP THREE:  Above all, post lots of kissing pictures so the world can truly see how much you love each other.  You ain't a real couple if you ain't got the kissing pictures to prove it!




How to write a recipe post:
Bon-  Go to allrecipes.com.  Find a recipe for something that looks kind of good. Copy and paste the recipe in to your blog post and while you're at it you can just copy the pictures too.  EASY!  You don't even have to make the recipe yourself- I mean, seriously, who likes to cook?!?  Then, tell everyone you made up the recipe because there are some totally selfish people out there who don't think it's okay if you "borrow" their recipe and claim it as your own.  Jerks!  Oh, and don't forget to post it to pinterest so you can get oodles and oodles of traffic.  You're a genius!



How to respond to comments:
Bon-  Don't. You will seem much cooler and like more of a celebrity if you ignore everyone that comments on your blog.  We all know that anyone who responds to comments has no life.

How to stay out of drama in the blogging world:
Tay- you just say no to internet fights, pretty simple really.

How to ask your boy to take yet another photo of you:
Tay-  I usually say something like this (while looking very apologetic and ashamed of myself)  "Hey Chris, will you take a photo of me really fast? Real quick I swear. Just one. It's for my post. Sorry. I'm sorry. You're the best." And then I'll usually have him take ten more because I never like the first nine.

Bon-  Promise him 18 holes of golf in the morning.  If that doesn't work, tell him your blog will soon make you millions and it'll be worth it when he's driving a sweet Lexus.  If that still doesn't work... find a new hobby.  Or a new boy.

How to pretend you're a fashion blogger:
Tay-  Put on some clothes, throw on a purse, and then look away from the camera as many ways as possible (or straight at it like I often do.) It also helps to pop a knee or look down at your feet. Or hide behind a plant.



How to complete a DIY project:
Tay- For DIY projects I prefer the DIFM route instead, which stands for Do It For Me, as in someone else please do it for me.

Bon-  What is DIY?

How to make it look like you have the best life ever
Bon-  Make sure to post about everything you do on the weekend.  Even if you didn't do anything that great, take some pictures that look like you are having fun.  Oh, make sure you post a picture of every last drink- wine, beer, tequila- we need to see it all!  It makes you seem ten times more fun!  If you're Mormon, just put pictures up of all the diet coke you drink.  That'll make you seem almost as fun.

Bon getting wild with diet coke in India.  No Mormon vacation is complete without it!

Tay making sure we all know how fun she is with a drink.

How to respond to negativity in the blogging world:
Tay- My favorite method is sarcasm.

Bon- Use your blog to publicly bash that meanie who insulted you!  That's why you started blogging isn't it, so you could have a voice?  Write a whole post on your blog dedicated to those total sluts who put you down.  Make sure you call them jealous at least four or five times because we all know the only reason someone would dare insult your blog is because they're jealous of you.  Remember that nothing they say has even an ounce of truth to it- they're just lies to bring you down because they want to dim your sparkle.  Don't let them take away your sparkle!  If you don't feel better after you write your post, feel free to binge out on ice cream all night long- it's the perfect excuse!

There you have it, ladies!  If you haven't "made it" in the blogging world after this blog post, we can do nothing for you.  We have unlocked every secret to blogging and given you every step you will need to become the next big thing.  You're welcome!

Oh, and you're missing out big time if you're not already following along with Taylor.  She's hilarious as they come.

24 comments:

  1. Hahahaha this is so funny. My favorite is how to get your boy to take yet another photo of you. :P So true for both answers! My boyfriend gets so annoyed!

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  2. This is hilarious!!! Love it!!!

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  3. Aaaaand you two are just awesome. Just. Plain. AWESOME.

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  4. gah, dying over this post. yes, yes, yes to all of it, especially asking your man to take a picture. what's it with men hating to take pictures? don't they understand that we only look pretty in .5% of them and need lots to pick from? also, thanks for the "cousins" tip. sounds wayyyy better than "my internet friends" ;)

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  5. I literally can't breathe after reading this! I legit LOL'd!!! My favorite was how to respond to negative comments. Gotta write that post about all those jealous girls who hate me soon. There are so many. I'll include photos of their jealous faces as well!! Great post ladies!

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  6. Hahaha! Hilarious. You two are fantastic together! I'd totally pay to watch you spit water into each other's faces.

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  7. oh you two :)
    i hope theres a second installment

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  8. This is hilarious and I definitely agree with Elisabeth--you should really do a sequel!!!
    Our Fairy Tale

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  9. Love this, and read you both religiously...thank you! I feel like I will be a profeshy blogger any minute now with these smart tips ;)

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  10. Perfection. Thanks for the great laugh this morning girls! I'm loving it!

    -Amanda | Living in Another Language

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  11. Heheh this guide is amazing. I love it! Very entertaining!

    xxx,

    Danielle Faith
    DanielleFaith.ME

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  12. This totally cracked me up. Love it! I've given up trying to explain "blogging friends". There's not an uncreepy way to explain it!

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  13. I LOVED THIS!! not many blog posts actually make me lol, but I honestly did at this one. I would totally want to be one of your online bffs if I were funny. Or if I posted more than once a month. So I guess I'll just have to stay a creeper ;)

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  14. This is amazing! You two are hilarious. Making fun of blogging is the most fun, because we're completely ridiculous.

    What's DIY?

    That's me to a "t."

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  15. There's really nothing more fun than making fun of bloggers. Thanks for the Monday morning hilarity!

    Sarah | http://sonbrouillondevie.blogspot.com

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  16. Best blogging advice post ever.

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  17. Bahahahahahahaha, I LOVE this! I think my favorite is the blog stats and "I only blog for me" thing because really..... um... yeah... that doesn't happen!

    Amberly
    http://lifewithamberlyandjoe.com

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  18. This is so great! you guys are so funny!!

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  19. I keep coming back to read this over and over. It cracks me up! I love that you girls don't take yourself too seriously.

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  20. You missed to never refer to your sunglasses, as sunglasses, but must call them "sunnies" instead. Madness!

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  21. This.Is.Awesome! So hilarious, because it's so true:) Loved it! Great job:)

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  22. Damn! You dolls are hilarious. I love it. Definately a new follower. I must laugh everyday

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