Monday, November 12, 2012

How to do EVERYTHING

You know what I realized today?

It's been a while since I graced you all with my how-to knowledge!  We all know there is too much going on in the world to know how to do it all without a little help!  Last April I was nice enough in this post to tell you how to do uber tough things like do your laundry and paint your toenails.  You sure are lucky to have me!  Since then I've even given more advice like how to look hot no matter what, how to trick your man, how to stay on top of your blog, and how to catch a mate.  These were all great, I admit, but I don't feel like I've quite reached my full how-to potential!  So here you go, girls, a bunch of stuff that I know you are just dying to know!



HOW TO:
Get people to give you the birdie on the freeway
Pull right in front of them in traffic
Be talking on your phone in the fast lane
Honk at them
Act totally oblivious to the fact that there are other drivers on the road.

HOW TO:
Go shopping
Drive to the mall.
Make sure you have a credit card with you.
The higher the spending limit is on your card, the better.
If someone besides you is paying the credit card, EVEN BETTER!
Try on shirts.
And pants.
If they look sexy on you and are reasonably priced, buy them.
P.S.  Reasonable is very subjective.  So just go ahead and buy it.

HOW TO:
Go shopping and not buy anything.
Drive to the mall.
Forget your credit card at home.

HOW TO:
Be the first in your family to know when someone is preggers.
Live in your mom's basement.
Hear her talk on the phone on Sunday nights.
OOPS!

HOW TO:
Stay skinny
Eat fruits and veggies
OR
Eat candy once a day and nothing else.
OR
Get a gym pass
OR
Have a job where you run around like a chicken with its head cut off
OR
Laugh at everything anybody ever says
OR
Love up on your hubby
OR
Any combination of the above.



HOW TO:
Get 17 year olds to hate your guts
Tell them to get their butts out of bed in the morning and get to your class on time.
Tell them you don't care that they were absent, the assignment is still late.
Tell them you're not going to take their s$@! anymore.

HOW TO:
Get 17 year olds to love your guts
Laugh at their jokes.
Tell them you think they are smart.
Let them have a read-a-thon where they come in their pjs with pillows and blankets and read on the floor all class period.
Buy them doughnuts every once in a while.
Laugh with them when someone rips one in class.


HOW TO:
Be miserable
Be a Utah Jazz fan.



HOW TO:
Suddenly feel like your really awesome life is actually incredibly lame
Look at other people's vacation pictures on facebook
Look at the homes people your own age are buying on facebook.
Look at the babies people your own age are having on facebook.

HOW TO:
Get in a really bad mood very quickly
Read political posts on facebook
Get involved in political posts on facebook.
Have your candidate lose.
Read any article having anything to do with politics after an election.
Hear about how awful your candidate is.
Hear about how great the other candidate is.
Have dreams that everyone has to cast votes again because there was a mistake the first time and your guy still has a chance of winning.



HOW TO:
Snap out of politicial bad mood
Remember you live in America
And have the right to vote
And are incredibly blessed no matter who the president is.

HOW TO:
Cure baby hunger
Hang out with a baby with a stinky diaper.




HOW TO:
Make yourself hungry
Look at Instagram

HOW TO:
Get rid of stress
Take a hot bubble bath.
Go shopping.
Call your sister.  Or your friend.
Write a list of all your blessings.
Buy someone flowers.
Pray.
Say thank you.
Kiss.
Drink hot chocolate
and if all else fails...
Take a nap until the storm is over!



Now it's your turn!  Give me your best how to!  Besides winning my complete respect, the three bloggers with the best how to in the comment section will be highlighted on Life of Bon tomorrow with a link to their blogs.  Come on chicas, HOW TO it up!

P.S.... Don't forget to enter yesterday's giveaway.  That bad boy is on fire!  And you can earn extra entries every day you tweet about it. 

48 comments:

  1. How to: Procrastinate writing a blog post.
    Read blogs all day.
    Clean/organize the fridge.
    Paint your nails.
    Watch a movie.
    Watch a documentary.
    Check Facebook
    Check Twitter



    ReplyDelete
  2. How to make family Christmas stockings:
    Get married.
    Buy fabric for two stockings.
    Two years later buy fabric for a stocking for the new baby.
    One year after that buy a new stocking patter because you lost your old one.
    Finally get out fabric and pattern and realize it only takes 3 hours to make all three stockings.
    Promise your husband it will not take this long to make stockings for future children.

    ReplyDelete
  3. LOL love this post!!!
    especially agree with the instagram one... since i take pictures of food all the time.
    i love your how to for going shopping and not buying anything - so simple!! lol :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. How to:
    Be a stalker.
    Get in car.
    Start driving.
    Take notice of the life-size blue unicorn lawn ornament.
    Grab photo-taking device.
    Drive by 3 times, slowly, while trying to snap a photo.
    Realize there were kids playing in the next yard.
    Drive away quickly.

    ReplyDelete
  5. how make a blog banner (easy)

    - try draw your own design

    - relize that it is much harder to make one than it looks

    - find a blogger that can make you one

    - pay them to make THE BEST blog banner ever!!

    Easy :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. How to feel like your life is going nowhere AND get into a bad mood at the same time:
    Look at political posts on FB after your candidate has lost, while simultaneously looking at FB pics of the brand-new houses/brand-new babies of all of your "friends"

    ReplyDelete
  7. How to be awesome

    -sing the lyrics to the song and realize "no you're not dude, don't lie!"
    -realize you are not awesome and move forward

    And done! :)

    Hahaha

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hahaha you're hilarious! I loved this!

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  9. Love these How To posts...here's mine:

    How To Enjoy A 5K Race

    -drive to location
    -pick up your number and t shirt
    -go directly back to your car and drive home

    And yes, I have done this 3 times now.

    ReplyDelete
  10. How to make sure you go totally insane by Thanksgiving:

    -Agree to host Thanksgiving for your entire family
    -Decline offers for people to help you cook because you're a such a control freak
    -complain about how much cooking you have to do
    -read a text from your brother requesting that you not try to "cook outside of the box" this year
    -reply to your brother telling him what he can do with his beloved sweet potatoes
    -invite your in-laws at the last minute
    -agree to go pick up your in-laws in the event that it snows on Thanksgiving
    -remember that there's an 85% chance of it snowing on Thanksgiving where you live and your in-laws live 60 miles away
    -Tell your mom she can stay with you and doesn't need to get a hotel
    -remember you no longer have a guest room cause it is filled with toys and your kids' stinky pet turtle
    -remember that spending more than 3 hours with your mother and mother-in-law at the same time makes you completely insane

    ReplyDelete
  11. hehe I feel so informed!!!

    How to successfully eat an entire bag of candy:

    Hide candy bag in undies drawer
    Always claim you have "laundry" to do
    Reward your chores with candy
    Use used dryer sheet to wrap up candy wrappers to throw away.
    Never tell hubbie or boy or else guilt will find its way in your head.

    ReplyDelete
  12. This is GREAT! I've always wanted to learn how to do EVERYTHING!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. This is hilarious! So glad I found your blog.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Just stopping by to say hi. Love the How To Post. I may have to steal that one day (giving you proper credit of course). I just added you on BlogLovin'. Can't wait to read more.

    Kim
    Two Martini Lunch

    ReplyDelete
  15. These are the kind of how-tos I can get behind!

    How to live the good life:
    Snuggle with your hubby
    Snuggle with your baby
    Eat a chocolate cupcake
    Put on sweatpants
    Hide your Wii Zumba workout
    Pretend there aren't dirty dishes in the sink

    ReplyDelete
  16. wanna know one thing i love about the picture of mitt & obama?? do you notice their hand language...... does it remind you of someone very important?? and whose does mitts mimic?? well taught man!

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  18. Okay I have decided that your blog is my new absolute favorite. I have been laughing for probably the past 20 minutes reading some of your posts. I love it... Thank you... seriously... I needed it tonight! I am most definitely following you now and am super excited about it!

    As for a how to...

    How to make sure your toddler will never go to bed...
    Accidentally leave your nice big cup of Dr. Pepper sitting on the kitchen table.

    Dawnelle
    justdawnelle.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  19. Brand new reader over here. Kind of swooning, you are hysterical. My sister once had her first grade class create a "book" for me called "How To Become A Famous Actress" and the advice is pretty priceless. Since I don't want to steal their wisdom, I'm going with How To Become a Professional Actress. Ready?

    1. Get a gnawing feeling in your gut that this is what you're meant to do (this should preferably begin around age 6 or 7 or, you know, 3 months).
    2. Sob like a crazy person when you watch tv because you don't understand how you aren't on it (this is great for age 7-14).
    3. Never stop talking. Talk while you eat, shower, sleep.. just don't stop.
    4. See above, now apply it to "singing" and "being dramatic".
    5. Get yourself in any type of acting situation possible - from community theatre to meltdowns in the grocery store, anything is possible.
    6. Study like you've never studied anything before in your life.
    7. Learn the business. Know more than your professors did in college (yep, totally happened).
    8. Audition like a nutcase. 4 am wake up calls to get to the location to wait around for 8 hours until you maybe get seen? Daily? Okay!
    9. Get headshots, a resume, and agents. Live in NYC or LA or both.
    10. Book your dream job. Finish it a few years later, have a minor nervous breakdown in your early twenties (yep, also totally happened), create a new dream job goal anddd.. start this list at the top.

    xoxo

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  20. Lol! This post was so hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  21. How to be a world-famous blogger:

    Start a blog.
    Do nothing.
    Change the blog design.
    Wait a few weeks.
    Write a post.
    Tell all of your family to read it and tell you how genius it is.
    Start a facebook page for your blog.
    Tell all of your family to like said facebook page.
    Write more posts.
    Become convinced that you need Twitter to be a blogger.
    Comment on other blogs so that people know you exist.

    But the most key step is: Tell everyone who asks what you do for a living that you're a blogger. And then smile at them as if what you just said is the most normal thing in the world.

    You'll leave them questioning their sanity and wondering if they just met someone famous without realizing it because they are not up on their knowledge of internet superstars. At least let's assume that's what they're wondering.

    Ta-dah!

    ReplyDelete
  22. this post is hilarious and so true! so glad i found your blog! xox

    ReplyDelete
  23. hahah this is hilarious! visiting from Casey's blog. looking forward to following. :)

    ReplyDelete
  24. Oh, your blog is great! I am looking forward to reading more. You hit the nail on the head with the Facebook how-to. Here is mine:

    How to diet triumphantly
    1. Wake up, eat a healthy breakfast
    2. Feel so good about eating a healthy breakfast that you feel okay to snack on the banana bread someone brought in to work
    3. Feel guilty about the banana bread. Give yourself a pep talk. After all, it's still early. You'll eat super healthy the rest of the day, you're going to exercise after work, blah blah blah.
    4. For lunch, eat the healthy salad you brought to work. Resent the group that ordered Chinese food.
    5. After lunch, eat more banana bread. Vow to double, nay, TRIPLE the workout intensity later, at home
    6. Stand in front of the vending machine eyeing the peanut butter M & Ms. Pull out your change and start to put it in the slot, but at the last second, turn away from the alluring candy. Celebrate with more banana bread.
    7. Convince yourself that banana bread is a "healthy choice".
    8. Get home. Procrastinate until you are way too tired to work out. Eat a reasonable supper. Chase it with Girl Scout cookies. Tell yourself today was good, but tomorrow will be the day the revolution REALLY begins. As long as there is no banana bread at work.

    ReplyDelete
  25. LOL! I love it!

    How to help your child with math homework:

    1. Sit at the table
    2. Read the first problem.
    3. Send them to their Dad.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Bon-I get real jealous when I see posts written I wish I had thought of. This isn't one of them. Jk it totally is.

    ReplyDelete
  27. How to Spoil your Weiner Dog:

    *Snuggle, snuggle, snuggle
    *Give them treats anytime they want one.
    *Wrap them in a blanket when they are cold.
    *Everytime they wine, get up to see what they need.
    *Help them up and off the bed.
    *Let them sleep in-between you and your husband.
    *Tell them, 'you is kind, you is smart, you is important' (from The Help) love that movie.

    ReplyDelete
  28. (just started following you. this was a fantastic introductory post. i actually laughed out loud.)

    how to appear younger than you really are:

    1) move from one heinous bout of acne to the next with no down time of clear skin in between.
    2) continue to wear the same "ABERCROMBIE" sweatshirts you wore your junior year of high school in 2005.
    3) make sure your shoe variety only ranges between converse and vans.
    4) always find a corner to text in during social situations.
    5) laugh out loud when someone uses the words "duty" .
    6) be married 2 and a half years with no sign of a baby in sight.

    it works like a charm.

    ReplyDelete
  29. How to ruin dinner:

    1. Follow the recipe.

    (At least, that's how it works for me.)

    ReplyDelete
  30. How to be the worst dog owner:

    1. When whining from their beds early in the morning you yell "SHUT UP!" :)

    2. Forget to buy dog food for 2 days in a row so you feed them some Raman noodles

    3. When all they want to do is cuddle, you totally try to ignore them staring at you

    :)
    Love this post!
    Lauren @ Aunt LaLa

    ReplyDelete
  31. how to feel frumpy/unsexy...

    have small children
    let your bikini line/crotch hair grow out
    wear the same sweat pants every.single.day
    wear old underpants with holes and stains
    fart a lot
    never wear a fancy bra

    too far?

    ReplyDelete
  32. I'm visiting from Casey's blog and have absolutely lost it here in my office reading some of your posts. Like tears streaming down my face...you are hysterical! Such a nice reprieve during the workday. Go you! I'll be a diligent follower for sure! I'd come up with a how-to list if I had time!

    xoxo,
    Blaire
    themarketconfidential.com

    ReplyDelete
  33. NOTHING bothers me more than sitting across from someone and hearing them slurping their soup.
    Here is a HOW TO on "HOW TO POLITELY EAT SOUP":

    1. Be seated at the table

    2. If you are eating your soup on the couch or on an unsteady surface be sure to use a tray of some sort. This will prevent it from slopping around and making a mess, or from burning you.

    3. Place your napkin on your lap in case you spill anything

    4. Have the correct spoon. A soup spoon is the best spoon to eat soup with.

    5. Fill the spoon about three-quarters of the way full. Do not overfill a soup spoon or it will spill as you lift it.

    6. Lift your spoon carefully and slowly from the bowl to your mouth

    7. Continue eating soup in this manner, slowly and with ease.

    8. Always place the entire spoon into your mouth to prevent the need to slurp. Be careful not to clank it on your teeth

    9. Tilt the bowl away from you and not towards you. This is considered the polite way to finish soup as there is much less risk of spilling the soup into your lap

    10. Rest the spoon in your bowl at the end and push the bowl away from you gently

    ReplyDelete
  34. How To Sneak a Treat:

    Walk into kitchen ALONE
    Turn on sink and fill up a cup half way
    Leave sink running
    Hurry to cupboard and grab treat(s)
    Put treat in pocket, preferably the one which will be furthest from husband
    Turn off sink and grab glass
    Wait to drink glass until entering room where husband is
    Put drink to mouth to make it look like you have been drinking a full glass down to a half glass
    Sit back down
    Keep hand in pocket for easy access
    When husband turns head quickly move treat from pocket to mouth
    Drink water from previously mentioned glass if needed to remove evidence

    Love, The Skinnys

    ReplyDelete
  35. Oh man, I'm truly loving all your posts. Seriously, they make my day that much brighter! I'm not too creative, but here's my take on How To...

    Be a blog stalker:
    -visit blog
    -read every post
    -look in the blogger's archive
    -follow said blogger's pinterest, instagram, and/or facebook page
    -leave without commenting, emailing, or joining GFC

    Get a hug from a preschooler:
    -talk about burping
    -chase them (or be chased) while playing outside
    -sing the 5 Little Monkeys song loudly (it doesn't even have to be in tune!)

    Take great photos for your blog:
    -set up your camera
    -stand in front of a blank wall (a messy room works, too)
    -smile
    -pose awkwardly
    -delete all photos just taken

    NOT enjoy singlehood:
    -read blogs about everyone's amazing hubby/boyfriend/significant other
    -enough said.

    And to end it on a positive note, how TO enjoy singlehood:
    -hang out with your family and fellow single friends
    -eat chocolate (cookies work, too!)
    -make a singleton bucket list
    -pray
    -wear your best outfits to school + church

    ReplyDelete
  36. How to Be Really Smart:
    Tell people you have a Phd (it's ok, they don't know you)
    Wear glasses
    End sentences with questions and a raised eyebrow
    Don't talk at all

    ReplyDelete
  37. How to be the first one to know one of your best friends is getting engaged:

    Read her text messages...
    OOPS

    ReplyDelete
  38. How to have an effortless and natural look:
    Take a shower every 3 days
    Forget to brush your hair before and after the shower
    Put curly gel in your hair as your walking out the door while holding a baby and your bags
    Put on your make up in the car
    Put the mascara down when you pass a cop
    Pick it up as soon as the cop is gone, just in time for another car to see you and glare
    Arrive somewhere five minutes late and once you've seen everyone, finally remember to zip up your fly!

    How to fit in in San Diego when you're from the South:
    Wear cowboy boots your first night out
    Wear bright colors when everyone else wears black
    Wear flip flops when everyone else is in uggs
    Forget your cardigan every day of the year
    Walk around barefoot and pregnant when you take the trash out
    Continue to say yes ma'am even though people yell at you for it
    And say y'all as people howl with laughter around you!

    ReplyDelete
  39. awww man....I really want to come up with a witty how-to, but I've just enjoyed reading everyone else's too much! you are toooo funny girlfriend! :)

    ReplyDelete
  40. How to jump start your Broadway career (or, how I spent last Friday night):

    1. Make no plans for Friday night.
    2. Say "yes" to the first invitation you receive. Neglect to ask what you are
    getting yourself into.
    3. Realize you are on your way to perform in Beauty and the Beast (who knew they'd be short several silly girls?) and YouTube your songs on the car ride there.
    4. When that fails, write your lines on your hand by iPhone light in the back of the auditorium.
    5. Ditch the cheat-sheet on your hand and ad lib your way through the whole scene.
    6. Take a giant bow so the audience knows how much you prepared for the role.
    7. Offer to sign autographs after the show and wait for talent agents to start calling you up.

    Yes, this is an absolutely true story. Pinky promise.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Mine is rather simple, but...

    How to get fired:
    1. Accidentally give someone your cell phone number instead of office phone in an email


    Luckily, I did not get fired, just really embarassed!

    ReplyDelete
  42. currently looking for a baby with a stinky diaper. :)

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  43. this is great! I totally just wasted my work time on reading this post and all the comments! LOVE IT!!

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  44. You are seriously the cutest thing!! Thanks for sharing your silly thoughts :) That "baby hungry" cure was funny! I noticed your pic w/the name tag, did you serve a mission?

    xoxo,
    Shio

    ReplyDelete
  45. This is absolutely hysterical and made my night!

    xx
    Kelly
    Sparkles and Shoes

    ReplyDelete