The Life of Bon: The day I stole underwear

Thursday, February 09, 2012

The day I stole underwear

I never thought I would be the type of person to steal lingerie.

It is a desperate woman who strips a mannequin of her underwear.  Today that person was me.

Twas the best of times, Twas the worst of times.

Ummmm... I am having some trouble starting this post.  Afterall, how do you admit to the world that you hijacked a pair of underwear from Victoria's Secret?  Tell me!  How do you confess such a thing to the blogosphere?!?

It wasn't my fault.  I swear.  Fast forward to last weekend when I was casually shopping  and wandered into V.S. to look at some Valentine Day lingerie.  One piece of clothing (can you call it that?) caught my eye.  I tried it on.  I liked it. I decided to buy it.

Stop there.  There was already a never ending line on this Saturday afternoon, and I was already late to meet Hubs for lunch.  I looked at my watch.  The underwear would have to wait.

Rewind to today.  I strolled on into Victoria's Secret, confident as sin that I could buy my little pair of undies and head right back out the door, no problem.  I looked around casually first so to appear that I wasn't some kind of an underwear freak who knew exactly what she wanted upon entering the store.  You can't just make a beeline for something in a lingerie store, people!  Others will think you're a freak!

So I played it cool.  Looked at lingerie I knew I wouldn't buy.  Slowly made my way over to the display where my coveted undies were calling my name.  Once I arrived at the display, however, I discovered, much to my dismay, that said underwear was sold out.


OUT OUT OUT!  How does V.S. sell out of its sexiest undies four days before its biggest day of the year?!?  You don't see Santa running out of toys on December 21, do you?  Step up Victoria's Secret, and learn how to run a business for crying out loud!

That's when I saw the mannequin.  Mannequin wearing MY underwear.  Taunting.  Waving.  Seducing me.  That underwear could be mine in the blink of an eye with one quick maneuver.  I looked at the V.S. worker nearby, carefully arranging padded bras and lacy thongs.  She turned her back.  This was my big moment.

I worked quickly on that mannequin, my fingers moving with a ferocity never know before.  Within seconds I had successfully slipped the underwear down and right off of that mannequin forever.  It's a strange feeling to be stripping undies from a lifeless figure, taking something you're not supposed to have while at the same time leaving a skinny mannequin completely underwearless.

Let's just say I wouldn't recommend it.

With the underwear successfully in my hand, I glanced oh so casually around the store.  Had anyone seen my crime on this lazy Thursday afternoon?   I slowly wandered on over (play it cool, Bonnie, play it cool!) to the check out.  There was a buxom blonde at the register.  I assessed her, as you always must when committing a crime.  How smart was this lady?  Would she know the store was currently sold out of this particular style of underwear?  Would she realize that the only pair left was in fact just moments ago stripped from an innocent mannequin?  Would she take one look at my purchase and know me instantly for what I really was- a thief and a mannequin pervert?

I played it cool while I tried to figure her out.  Tried on some perfume here, some perfume there.  Took a bath in strawberries and champagne body spray.  Tested some more.  Put on some lotion.  Rubbed cream all over.  Blondie looked up, "You just love all those scents, don't you?"

Oh, shoot.  She was onto me.  Time to proceed to checkout.  Everything cool here.  No one doing nothing they're not supposed to.  I slid the underwear across the counter and then proceeded to talk a mile a minute (always ALWAYS my strategy when I think I am in trouble) "Isn't it crazy that it's already February, wow how the year goes, especially this year, hardly even had a winter, wow I love that watch, beautiful, my problem is I always lose watches or they break when I play volleyball or something like that, but I do love them, just can't keep them on my wrist, you know, I wish Victoria Secret sold their every day clothes in the store instead of just online, they're so cute, you know, I'm sure you'd get a lot of business, so you got any weekend plans? Friday is tomorrow you know an-"

"Ma'am.  Here is your purchase."  That speedy miss had already bagged up the lingerie, scanned my card, and completed the transaction before I had even gotten halfway through my monologue.
But the joke was on her. In that bag she handed to me was the stolen underwear, and with it my ticket to a successful getaway.  I gently took the bag and moseyed on out of the store, acting interested in pajama sets and tight tank tops.  Can't go blowing the whole gig now, you know.  Gotta play it cool until the very end. 

As soon as I was out of that store, though, I booked it.  Straight up ran out to my car.  I just knew that any second those workers were bound to see the bottomless mannequin and know that it was me who had so disrespectfully undressed their most prized display.

That's why you should never steal lingerie from a mannequin.
And that was the day I started my career as a professional underwear thief.
Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
umm... having trouble ending this post.  Just know that I stole underwear today and lived to tell the tale.


  1. Bonnie- I love this! Soooo funny. I think I have to be your newest follower after that.

    Except, I should tell you... uh, ya paid for the undies, my dear. You rightfully stole. I would bare-bottom a mannequin for a must-have pair of ANYTHING!!

    You go Glen Coco!

  2. hahahaha you're so cute - and i am such a sucker for Vikki's!

    i love your blog!


  3. bahahahaha, this is so funny. you are so great. i love it. i'm one of your new readers and this definitely motivates me to keep reading your blog. hilarious.


  4. Too funny! I think you might be destined for a life of crime ;)

    I once stole an entire cart of groceries. By accident. Ya, I don't know either.

  5. "you dont see santa running out of toys" lol

  6. hehe that is to funny

  7. Let's just say that you're far braver than I'd ever proclaim to be! :)

  8. Brilliant! I feel 'lol' is overused and not an expression I use but I really was grinning like an idiot at this post, Steve even had to stop me and ask what I was reading! Rx

  9. ha! talk about gutsy! :) And no, Santa would NEVER run out of toys on Dec. 21st. VS better watch it.

  10. haha classic! All that matters is that you ended up pulling it off in the end. Genius I tell you, and oh so stealthy ;)

    Happy Weekend!


  11. I totally would have made the store clerk take the panties off for me so I didn't feel so odd. And I probably would have hid around the corner while she did it. But I definitely don't consider that stealing!!!

  12. good for you. i'd be totally nervous if i had to do it so i secretly admire you.

  13. I probably would have done the same darn thing!!

  14. what a fun blog! Glad I stopped by! This post had me smiling from ear to ear :)

    From City Corporate to Suburb Mama

  15. LMFAO.

    Well, you probably could have asked and they'd have gotten if off for you. I know I did that at Old Navy for a pair of black skinny jeans. :)

    But then again, you wouldn't have had this funny story to tell.

  16. I was seriously laughing the whole way through this post, hilarious!! Glad you got what you wanted after all :)

  17. soooooo you know how VS has those "5 for $25" undies sales? well one day, after shopping and carrying multiple bags, I decided to go take advantage of that sale. I grabbed the 5 undies I thought were cute and made out for the register. when I got to the register, I only had 4! where did the 5th one go?! anyway, I went back, grabbed another pair of the missing 5th one, and checked out. when I walked through the doors to leave, the security went off. they let me go without checking me, and I went home. when I got home and dumped out my bags, I discovered the missing 5th undie in a Hollister bag, with its security tag and all. it somehow fell out of my hands and into one of my other shopping bags. still have never remembered to bring it back to this day. so I actually did steal!

    p.s. you are so lucky the lingerie on the mannequin was your size!

  18. I'm laughing b/c I know how that feels. I'm a size they don't carry too much of, and a few times I've had to strip the mannequin, too. It always feels very pervy, but when I want something, I'm not going to give up - esp for the sake of a mannequin - no pride when it comes to finding a fav - the last one! no matter!!!


  19. These briefs REALLY hold me in where it counts, so I'm buying another pack of them. Thank you so much VS! I would definitely recommend using

  20. This is the best blog post I have ever read!!

  21. As a Victoria's Secret former employee, you could have just asked. We'll sell you anything in the store if we can. Not the wings though. I've undressed many mannequins for customers. Even though you didn't steal any panties since you did pay for them it makes it look they were. The employees should have been more customer focused and not have you do that yourself. They need to have a redressed mannequin. Hopefully their communication skills were better so the can figure out between hem that that particular pair of pan toes was recently rung up.