The Life of Bon: A home is just a home? Part Two.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

A home is just a home? Part Two.

I promised myself a few weeks ago that I would attempt to write three posts a week and bare minimum I MUST WRITE TWO POSTS A WEEK NO MATTER WHAT.

So here we are, bare minimuming it again.

Tomorrow we are headed up to a trip to our cabin family.  My mom sold this cabin 2 1/2 years ago, and then by some stroke of fate or luck or divine providence the owners agreed to let us use the cabin this weekend.  And so now we are all going back up to the cabin that means everything to us, that holds so many memories of my dad, that is everything he loved and worked for rolled up into one beautiful log cabin. (For the details on selling the cabin, go here.  It's a sad post, but a happy one too.  But mostly sad.)

That means that tonight and tomorrow morning we need to pack and buy food and do everything else you do when you get ready to spend three days at a cabin with 35 people.  (Those 35 people are just my mom, siblings, and siblings' children.  WE ARE RABBITS!)

We are not even close to prepared.  There is laundry all over the house.  I haven't done any of the grocery shopping.  We need to buy fishing licenses.  We are a hot mess on the eve of vacation!

Emotionally, I am not prepared either.  I have felt weepy and sad the last few days thinking about going up.  I've been overly emotional and sensitive and all of a sudden I miss my dad in ways that I haven't missed him for months.   I don't think it's going up to the cabin that makes me sad, but going home from it and knowing that it isn't ours and that I don't get to go back.  Offers on cabins don't come too often, so when my mom got an offer in the dead of winter in 2013 she snatched it up quickly. The next week she and a few of my siblings went up to claim belongings (I had to work. Boo.) and there were papers signed and money transferred and then it was done. One day we had the cabin and one day we didn't and it was harder for me to process than I thought it would be.  I didn't get to say goodbye, and maybe that has kind of weighed on me all these months?  I suppose I am hoping to go back to get some kind of closure from this trip back, two and a half years later.  I dunno.  Can you get closure on a log cabin?  I know there's no closure on grief, so I'm not hoping for that, but I'm hoping for peace and family and joy and to feel my dad with me there at the cabin this weekend.

And I am thrilled that June gets to visit the cabin.  That was one big thing that I felt like I mourned heavily, that my kids would never have cabin experiences like some of my siblings' children.  Of course, I think on a deeper level what I really mourn is that my kids don't get experiences with their grandpa like some of siblings' children did, but letting June experience a piece of the cabin feels like she at least gets a little piece of him.

Believe it or not, this post wasn't supposed to be about our cabin or about my dad or grief or any of those things that it sort of morphed into.  I was just going to update you on what I'd been up to the past week (swimming!  painting furniture!  purging our house of things knomarie style!) and tell you why I was writing such a short post today.  But then this post came out.  And I guess it's the post I needed to write.  Thank you to this blog for allowing me that privilege to write what I need and to you readers who continue to check in here.  This blogging community is something special and I mean that.

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