The Life of Bon: 2019

Sunday, November 10, 2019

I saw my ex husband

I saw my ex husband at a Jazz game the other week.

I knew he was going to be there.  He told me earlier that day.  We have children together.  Talk on the phone almost every day so kids can talk to their other parent.  Meet twice a week to switch and reswitch our two most precious assets. Sometimes do things together with June and Hugh.  I see him and talk to him often.  I should not have been surprised to see him at an event he told me he was going to be to.

And yet I was.

I was with my brother, shuffling through a crowd, trying to get back to our seats after halftime.  Inside the arena the crowd roared, cheering on Donovan Mitchell, watching with eager anticipation as our basketball savior continued to awe and inspire.

And then suddenly he was there.  Right there.  Right in front of me.  My ex husband.  A stranger in a crowd.

Something about seeing him in that setting, in that way- it completely jarred me.  I didn't know what to do.  What do you do?  What do you do when you unexpectedly in a very public place run into the man who at one point knew you better than anyone in the world but who is now completely foreign to you?  A man who you bought groceries with, bathed with, cried with.  A man who ate cheese and crackers in bed and always let his toenails grow too long and pouted when he lost at board games.  A man who you screamed the f word to in a desperate fit of rage. A man who watched your body get torn apart two different times, two different ways, to deliver your two perfect babies.  What do you say to a man who at one point knew it all and yet somehow didn't know enough?

I gave him a friendly punch on the shoulder.  That's what I did.  A good old fashioned playful slugger.  

Hey pal.  
Hey buddy.  
I think we knew each other once?
Thanks for the memories.  
We cool.  

Sunday, August 25, 2019

My Baby Starts School Tomorrow

My baby starts school tomorrow.

All day long she has packed and repacked her backpack, practiced drawing letters on lined paper, made pictures and drawings for her new teacher.  She is ready.  Nervous and excited, confident in the year ahead.

It is all going so fast.  I can't catch my breath.  I just had her.  It was yesterday that the doctors tried to flip that stubborn breech baby in my belly and when she wouldn't do it cut me open and yanked her out. It was last night that I watched her sleeping in that clear plastic box beside my hospital bed.  Five pounds twelve ounces of perfection.  Held her naked body against my naked chest, skin to skin, taught her how to breast feed, watched in awe as she clenched her little figures into a fist, marveled marveled marveled at the perfect teeny tiny fingernails. It was this morning that she learned to walk, unsteady steps, looking to me for guidance, plopping down on her diapered bum.

Now she is five.  Entering a school that in 13 years she'll walk out with a degree in hand.

My job as a parent is to essentially put myself out of a job as a parent.  To allow her and teach her to do it all on her own. To let her learn to be her.   But what if I never want to be put out of this job?  What if I want to parent and hover and helicopter until the day I die?

There's so much about her babyhood and toddlerhood that I don't even remember.  The trauma of trying to save a troubled marriage.  The fights the video games the cancer the jewelry the lesson plans the tears the divorce the healing the how can I save this family the how can I save myself?  Those are my memories of the past five years.  Not what foods she liked and didn't like, or her first words or what her favorite books were.  These things my brain can not remember.

I remember how my heart contracted and writhed when I met her the first time.  How Greg placed her in my arms and I wept and thought "Oh my gosh I missed you."  How I felt I was being reunited with a best friend after too much time apart.  How I wanted to hold her and protect her and never let her go.  The strongest love I've ever felt in my life, how my emotions overtook my body.

I remember that.

Hugh and I will be lonely tomorrow when she goes.  Her first step away from The Three of Us.  We are a tribe.  A unit.  One of us is starting to leave the unit.  The other will soon follow.

How does anyone raise children?  How can anyone endure the complete heartbreak of watching your babies grow?

Monday, July 01, 2019


Yesterday was my 33rd birthday.  
It felt appropriate today to post this, 
something I have written off and on the past year, 
while I was 32.

I wish I was nicer to myself when I was 16.

Like yes I was awkward and weird and I'd never kissed a boy and I crushed obsessively.  But I also got all A's and worked two jobs and practiced the piano every day and played Monopoly for hours with my little sister. Only I couldn't see it then.  I saw so many of my flaws.  And I look back and want to hug 16 year old Bonnie and say girl you are doing so great and there is so much more happiness ahead of you.

I wish I was nicer to myself when I was 22.

I was serving a mission in Argentina and no one wanted to listen and my Spanish was horrible and I couldn't get someone to take a Book of Mormon if I paid them and the only person who was interested in listening was the drunk on the street and even he was really only interested in touching my blonde hair.  But I also worked so hard and set and achieved goals and loved Argentina and the people there and dulce de leche with all my heart.  I prayed constantly to God to give me strength and patience and love.  And I look back and want to hug 22 year old Bonnie and say girl you are so great and everyone can clearly see you have put your whole heart in this.

I wish I was nicer to myself when I was 25.

I was newly married, fighting constantly, discovering how deep deep deep the differences went.  Telling myself if I only change this, if I only don't say this, if I can only be okay without this then I can protect this marriage.  Telling myself I held all the power to keep the marriage going and that if I was only better, stronger, smarter, made more money, I could fix all the problems.  Resolving to do better every night, every week, chiding myself because it still wasn't enough I still wasn't enough.  Yet still I was hopeful.  I continued to give of my whole heart.  I risked it all, allowed myself to love deeper, more fully than I thought one person could love.  I look back and want to hug 25 year year old Bonnie and say girl you are so great.  You don't have to do this all by yourself.

I wish I was nicer to myself when I was 28.

I was teaching high school English and nursing a baby and saying yes to a misplaced French teenager being placed in our home and writing five blog posts a week and trying to help my husband who was horribly depressed and pushing to quit his job and quit helping the French teenager and pushing to quit his church too.  We fought constantly- a life I felt I was promised slipping from my grasp.  But I also tried so hard to accept the changes.  Started a business so he could work from home and took the baby to church by myself week after week and taught the French teenager to drive on empty neighborhood streets late at night.  I was resilient and strong and brave and had no idea that it would get so much harder before it got easier.  And I look back and want to hug 28 year old Bonnie and say girl you are so great.  Hold your baby as tight as you can and don't worry for one second about those lesson plans because babies grow up and lesson plans don't.

This leads me to wonder- am I being nice enough to 32 year old Bonnie?  Will I look back and think I should have been kinder, softer, gentler, more forgiving to myself during this time?  I wonder where 42 year old Bonnie is right now.  I could use a hug from her.  I also want to know how the hell she made it out alive from this.

32 year old Bonnie making grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner while Hugh spills water on the floor and June whines that she doesn't like preschool and can't we please eat oatmeal for dinner please please please please???

32 year old Bonnie struggling, struggling to get out of bed in the morning because she knows that what awaits her are dishes, laundry, jewelry, order inventory, figure out something for dinner, work, work, work.

32 year old Bonnie asking her kids every night before bed, after stories and after prayers and after being tucked in, "Did I forget anything?" and June's excited little voice crooning, "Huggggggs and kissesssssssssss" and their two little heads together and her tickling them and kissing them and their tired and happy giggles rising up together into the night time air.

32 year old Bonnie trudging down to the unfinished basement at 9 pm.  40 orders.  She is talking to herself, " I just gotta get 40 orders out tonight and then I'll be close enough to caught up and Lianny can help me with the Etsy orders tomorrow and I can restock the booth on Wednesday morning and I can't forget to order more gold chain..."

32 year old Bonnie wondering how in the world you meet a decent man.  A new age for dating.  Swiping on phones instead of meeting at parties.  This guy looks alright.  Actually no.  He does not have a job.  He voted for Trump.  He has full custody of five children.  This is never going to work.

32 year old Bonnie running down canyons and skiing down mountains and swimming in oceans.  Doing everything it takes to heal heal heal this broken heart.

32 year old Bonnie seeking out friends, making her book club her life support, going on trips and doing everything it takes to stay connected.  Connection is why we're here.  Connection means she's still alive.  Heart still beating.

32 year old Bonnie who clings to God for help.  Who seeks a deeper, wider spirituality than ever before.  More faith, fewer answers.  Who wanders into the temple week after week, sitting on a white couch in white clothing looking up at the bright bulbing chandelier and asking, "What do you want me to know?  What do you want me to learn?"

32 year old Bonnie who allows herself lots of mistakes.  Who shows herself grace when she struggles to get out of bed, when she arrives late again for Sunday family dinner.  Who doesn't beat herself up when her house is almost always messy, who tells herself it's ok that the garage is cluttered and impossible to walk through.  The neighbors can look all they want.  The state of a garage does not equal the state of a heart. 32 year old Bonnie who allows herself a trip without her children, who weekly pays for a pedicure or a massage without guilt.  Who buys an expensive swimsuit full price without looking for a coupon and doesn't feel one ounce of remorse.

And I ask myself,
Am I being nice enough to myself?
Am I being nice enough to myself?

The answer.
A resounding YES!
If there is anything 32 year old Bonnie has learned it's this.
Finally.  For the first time in her life.

How to be nice to herself.

Sunday, June 16, 2019

one year

a year ago he left
said this is never going
to work

begging for it to work
I'll do anything
to keep
this marriage
sacrifice who I am
and what I need
to keep us

he was firm
I'm sorry bon
this just won't

then broken
hitherto before
unfelt and

hot summer days
can't stop crying
can't will myself out of

the babies need me
the jewelry must be sent
a living must be made
but how
do I heal this broken

swimsuits and jumpers
showing up at my door
new plates
new towels
maybe a new bed
left me

then acceptance

a new plan
running with
a half marathon
training, bolting down
canyons, early mornings,
sore feet and muscles. strong
strong mind

cute boys willing and wanting
to kiss me
telling me I'm beautiful
seeing my worth
chasing me
reminding me that I don't have
to beg
to be loved

then renewal

another new hobby
skiing down mountains
as she goes
feeling free
feeling fast
feeling safe
on an

huntington beach
golden gate bridge
macchu picchu
colorful san juan
las vegas casinos
balloon fiesta in new mexico
airplanes and beaches
hikes and

see the world
meet new people
travel to see
that everyone feels
and somehow
emerge from
their pain

finishing the basement
picking out
hardwood floors
a jewelry space just
for me

I earned this
earned this business
the privilege
the joy
the honor
to work
and live
so close to my kids

finally strength
and joy

friends who text and say
what do you need at Costco
I'm going today and
are we watching bachelor
tonight? and
how are you holding up 
today? do you need anything and
oh, that one is cute swipe right swipe right!

babies' fingers and hands all over
do you want to play princesses?
more cookies!
can I have friends over to play please
please please

a home,
a cocoon,
an oasis

created by myself
for my children
and for

to be safe
to feel loved
to heal
to recover
to emerge

one year

broken heart

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

Three of us

It was Sunday.  It was raining.

We woke up from a long afternoon nap.  All three of us. 
(That's what we are now.  Three of us.)

It's not our pattern to sleep all afternoon on Sunday.  Usually there's a family dinner to go to.  Or a neighborhood get together.  Or June wants to stay up and do puzzles or watch show or use her artistic license to draw all over the walls.

But this Sunday we are all tired.  Hugh goes right to his crib after a full day of flirting at church nursery.  June and I turn on an episode of Jeopardy, her patiently waiting for me to be done with "my show" so she can watch hers.  I look over at her during final Jeopardy.  Her eyes are drooping.

So I carry her up to my bed.  "You're tired, baby, take a little nap and we'll all watch a movie together when you wake up." 
"But I'm not tired..." she protests weakly.
I tuck her in close to me, her four year old body instantly breathing deeply.
I look at my phone as I'm drifting off.  3:04
I hear Hugh crying.
 I look at my phone.
The three of us sleeping the afternoon away in the warm cocoon of our little townhome.
(That's what we are now.  Three of us.)

Now the issue of dinner.  What to feed one reasonably hungry adult and two unreasonably hungry toddlers.  German pancakes June suggests.  We blend it up, throw it in the oven, set the timer for 25 minutes.  We wait.

Maverick does something funny and I say "He's done that since he was a puppy." 
"I want to see a picture of Maverick as a puppy" says June.   
I sink down to the floor and pull up pictures on my phone.  Immediately she is in my lap.  "This is when we first got Maverick" I tell her.  "This was his first Halloween."  "This was his first Christmas and you were just barely in mommy's tummy then." 
Hugh, never one to be too far from June or mom or an opportunity to cuddle, wrestles his way in.

"This was the day you were born, June. 
Look at the way I cried when I first met you. 
I missed you so much." 
"This was Hugh in my belly. 
Look how big and round he was." 
"This was the day Hugh was born.
This was when grandma brought you to the hospital and you saw Hugh for the first time."

Both June and Hugh are smashed on my lap, eagerly devouring the pictures of themselves.  What a funny thing, I realize, in this instagram, photograph saturated world that my phone-less children are starved for photos.  Hugh points to himself.  "Ball!" his favorite and only word.

John Mayer is playing in the background.  "Love on the weekend, love on the weekend
Like only we can, like only we can"  
Our backs are pressed up against the pantry door. 
We are all limbs, my children and I, their bodies touching every part of me, desperate to see pictures of themselves, to learn their own history, to see their own faces. 
Our arms, our faces, our fingers smushed together. Any personal space completely sacrificed in only the way that young children can.  I can't tell where my leg ends and where Hugh's begins.  We look at so many pictures like this.

I begin to cry.  The top of Hugh's head is getting wet from the tears and I rub them off on June's arm and I can't stop crying but what a gift what a gift what a gift to have these children. 
The moment feels big.  As if everything stops for just a minute in that kitchen. I know it will not last.   In four minutes the timer will go off and then it's time to eat and do dishes and after we'll pop popcorn and watch a movie and then jammies and teeth and stories and bedtime and I'll put a load of laundry in and attempt to pick up railroad tracks for the eight hundred and forty sixth time and stare at my phone mindlessly and collapse into bed and then we will start another week of go go go.

But for right now it's just the three of us in a heap on the kitchen floor, looking at pictures and waiting for the pancakes to cook.
(That's what we are now.  Three of us.)

It was Sunday.  It was raining.

Sunday, May 05, 2019

break up

I broke up with my boyfriend this week.

Was he my boyfriend?

I don't know.  He called himself my boyfriend.  He was my take me to dinner, talk about basketball, call me every day, miss him when he's gone, tell my worries to, make plans with, watch scary movies together, help me pick out tile for the bathroom, pick up my prescription, kiss me late at night friend.

The breakup happened quickly.  Almost instantly. 

My heart- already cautious and scared- trying to take baby steps but finding it impossible to keep up with his long, confident strides.  A wobbly baby giraffe trying out new, shaky legs being asked to keep up with a 70 mph cheetah.

I asked him to slow down.  He tried his hardest.  Maybe wobbly baby giraffes and 70 mph cheetahs just don't mix?

With time, a few concerns developing.  Blurry under the water, but rising to the surface.  And in one 24 hour period, on a weekend trip, back to back concerns and it's a "Hey, I'm out" from me.

"You haven't even given us a chance to work through any of this." He says. "This is the first I've heard of these concerns."  It doesn't matter.  My brain is in protection mode.  It perceives danger.  You are not safe. It tells me.  Run. It tells me. Fight or flight.  The thing about fight or flight is when you chose fight year after year after year and that fight left you battered and bloody and almost dead on the side of the road with your two babies you don't choose fight anymore.  You fly.  As fast as you can.

I'm still reeling from the shock of the breakup.  Shocked by the end of a relationship that I chose to end.  Even as I was saying the words, I was surprised.  It happened so quickly.  We were talking summer plans.  Trips in the camper with kids.  Jackson Hole.  A road trip to Canada to meet his mom. And then the next day I hear myself saying actually this isn't working for me.  I need a break . I need space.  I can't do this.

I have my space now.  What do I do with my space?

I question.
I doubt.
I worry.
I cry.

Did I pull the trigger too quickly?  Is my brain accurately perceiving danger?  Will my heart ever feel safe again?

All week long I repeat the mantra my therapist has helped me with,

I am in control
I can trust my judgment
I can get what I want

If I say it enough times maybe I'll believe it.


Thursday, March 21, 2019


How do you process a divorce, a family disrupted, years of struggle that finally culminate in an abrupt ending?  How do you accept that your children won't live with both their parents, that the man you have children with is now a stranger, that you are on your own on your own on your own?

Jump to an early summer morning in a therapist's office.  Can we make this marriage work?  The therapist has kind eyes.  She wants us to succeed.  She gives us so many suggestions, so many tools to save this sinking ship.  Option after option.  He dismisses them.  Says instead "I just want a fresh start."

Jump to my first date post divorce.  I meet a cute, outdoorsy guy at Aubergine in the middle of the day for lunch.  He is built, he is short, he is shy.  He wears a bold, green shirt.  I scan the restaurant over and over.  Will someone see me?  Will someone know?  He talks on about Canadian politics. My subconscious tells me I'm not supposed to be here.  This is wrong.  I'm married.  I have a family.  I already did this dating thing.  Oh wait.

Jump to New Year's Eve.  My kids are not with me.  I am alone.  One hundred percent alone on a holiday that represents new beginnings, fresh starts, family and friends and so much hope.  A year ago we bought $70 worth of sea food on this holiday and said that would be our new New Year's tradition.  There is no lobster tonight.  I write in my journal.  I read my scriptures.  I search for peace.  I cry and I cry and I cry.  Is this what healing looks like?

How do broken hearts get strong?

Jump to a day in early September.  Fall promises she's coming, but the temperatures continue to rage.  I take my perfect, beautiful children to my brother's apartment complex to swim.  The sun begins to set, and we load up in my worn, ten year old Toyota Corolla.  The most faithful car, always dependable, never disappoints.  The kids' bodies are cold from swimming and I buckle them up in the warm backseat, chlorined swim towels and wrinkled toes.  It is past bedtime and they are tired.  My phone buzzes.  A notification shows me an email from my lawyer brother who handled all the legal matters for me.   I read it at the traffic light.    "Bonnie, Not sure if this is good news or not, but the Judge signed the Decree of Divorce today.  Here is a copy.  Let us know if there is anything we can do for you.  Love You" Tears come immediately to my eyes. I am divorced I am divorced I am divorced.   I look in the rearview mirror at my sleepy kids, blissfully aware only of their satisfied late summer day.  I am divorced I am divorced I am divorced.

Jump to a taxi ride in Peru.  Esteban, the kindest tour guide has been taking me and Mandy around to see all the sacred sites.  This land, these mountains, this rain, these people are spiritual.  A deep spirituality that encompasses everything they do.  A spirituality so profound that I can only understand the tip of it.  Esteban tells me in Spanish I need to return to Peru with my spouse and children.  I tell him I have no spouse; I got divorced this year.  He says "I'm sorry.  I will pray to the mountains for you."   "Thank you" I say.

Jump to a game night at my mom's house.  All my siblings are there with their kids and their spouses.  Not me.  I only get my kids for half my life now.  I have no spouse.  I feel alone in a crowd.  How can it be that I am completely surrounded by my family but I'm not with my family?  A petty disagreement with my mom opens floodgates that I didn't know were waiting to emerge.  I am embarrassed by these sudden big tears, hope nobody will notice them.  I sneak out unannounced and cry myself all the way home.

Jump to a Halloween trunk or treat for my church.  In the parking lot with my two children, cat whiskers painted on my face.  I see an acquaintance I haven't seen in months.  "Where's your hubby?!" she asks cheerily  "We got divorced."  I blurt it out. I do not mean to say it so abrupt- it jumps out of my mouth of its own volition.  "Oh my gosh I'm so sorry I had no idea."  She says.  She is embarrassed and red, shuffling uncomfortably.  I walk away.  I can't be responsible for her discomfort.

How do broken hearts go on?

Jump to the Saturday after Thanksgiving.  I am working on orders.  Jewelry.  The thing that keeps me going going going, forces me to get up, sell earrings to provide for my children, to keep my life going on.  When I don't think I can possibly do today, orders are waiting for me, 3-5 days promised shipping time.  He calls.  "Will we ever be together again?  I want to fight now.  Is there hope for our family to be reunited?"  Silence on my end. The thought makes me feel panicked, unsafe, on the edge of a cliff.  I whisper back, "I'm sorry, no.  I could never trust you with my heart again."  This is too painful.

Jump to a conversation with June in the car.  "What am I doing tomorrow, mommy?"  "You're going to daddy's house" I say.  Feeling the injustice of it, I try to smooth it over, "You are so lucky you get two houses.  Some kids only have one house but you get two houses."  She bursts out unannounced in tears, "But I don't want two houses!  I just want one house!  One house with mommy and daddy and all my family in one place.  Why don't I get one house?"   I can't respond.  I just drive.

Jump to the days immediately following when he left.  I sleep at the foot of my king sized bed under the ceiling fan.  Those summer days are stifling hot; it is the only way to get cool.  I listen to a Deiter F. Uchtodrf talk on hope every night to fall asleep.  His German accent lulls me to sleep, promises me my future is not my past.   "No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations." He tells me.  I do my best to believe him.

Jump to training for a half marathon.  Sarah convinces me to do it with her.  We train so hard and I learn how strong my body is.  My leg muscles get lean, my endurance builds, I can run and not be weary.  My body shows my spirit, "Look.  We are strong.  We can do this.  We will survive this.  If this body can survive miles and miles of running your spirit can survive this heartbreak."  Sarah and I run the half marathon on a beautiful 65 degree day in October.  All the way down the canyon, mile after mile, I ask her to tell me the details of the courtship with her now husband.  Will I have this again?  I wonder.  I cross the finish line in a flurry of adrenaline.  Sarah's husband and kids and parents are there to greet her, congratulate her, tell her how proud they are of her.  No one is there for me.  I just ran 13.1 miles and no one to share the feat with me.  Instead I stretch under a tree and eat the pizza and drink the chocolate milk they give me.

Jump to last week.  Swimming in Rincon, Puerto Rico.  Dallin is tired of the sun and stays back at the hotel.  I drive by myself to a quaint beach.  Ask a stranger to put sunblock on my back.  It's 85 degrees.  I swim in the ocean.  The waves feel kind and gentle to me.  I float and float on my back.  I feel the waves, the sun, my body in the water.  I feel peace, I feel joy, I feel warmth.  This moment means everything to me.  I am healing.

How do broken hearts get strong?

Jump to a group text to my seven siblings and their spouses two weeks after he moved out.  It's time to tell them.  I can't process this all alone.  "He is gone and we are seriously considering divorce" I say.  My brother calls immediately.  "We'll come to pick you up" he says  "Let's go up the canyon" he says  "Let's eat dinner in the mountains and get you some room to breathe" he says.  He picks me up in his truck, loads the kids' carseats in the back, buckles them in. I don't remember what I'm doing.  One foot in front of the other.  He talks to me all the way up the canyon.  What a gift to have family like this.

Jump to a first date.  Dinner at an expensive Italian restaurant.  Online it seems like a match.  In real life he is overbearing, nervous, talks too much, makes me want to run away and hide.  On the way home from the date he texts me again, asks me if I still want to hang out longer that night.  He'll come pick me up.  We can go for a drive.  "No." I say "I need to prioritize sleep."  I don't want to see him again.  My heart is hurting bad tonight and I don't know why.  I am scared I am overwhelmed I don't know how I got from where I was to where I am.  I call Sarah.  I call Kendra.  "I feel so overwhelmed I can't do this" I tell them.  They come over to my house.  Pop popcorn and cuddle with me in my new, smaller queen sized bed.  My bed that is all mine.  We watch The Office episodes until I fall asleep nestled up against Sarah's warm body and they sneak out quietly and lock the door behind them.  What a gift to have friends like this.

Jump to my mom insisting we get Christmas lights up on my house this year.  I was going to bag it.  Didn't have the mental or physical energy to be festive. She says she will do it.  She is taller than me.  She can reach the top that I cannot.  She stands on the ladder and works the lights and the hooks in frigid temperatures with numb fingers while I hand her the hooks.  When she finishes it looks like light and beauty and joy.  What a gift to have a mom like this.

How do broken hearts go on?

Jump to a California family vacation in July.  It's been a month since he moved out.  This is a vacation he was supposed to come on with me, but now it's just me and two babies.  I have to drive my own car down- there is not enough space for one adult and two car seats in anyone else's car.  My mom insists someone always be driving with me.  I scoff at this.  I can do this by myself.  I cannot do this by myself.  There is a two hour delay getting over the California/ Nevada state line.  111 degrees outside.  My little Corolla, working as hard as it can, the engine too hot, the A/C not blowing cold enough air.  Hugh is sweating, sweating in the back seat.  My mom, riding in the passenger seat, puts water leftover from her lunch on his body to try to cool him down.  Another hour passes at 4 mph.  Finally I am at my max.  Can't handle this delay, this disappointment any longer.  I drive out of the lanes and around traffic, on the dirt strip beside the road, quickly passing car after car.  My brother in another car sees me breaking the rules and texts me that passing other cars like that is not okay.  No, it's not okay.  So much about this is not okay.

Jump to calling my best friend in Seattle to tell her the news.  We had planned to be moving to Seattle in just a few months.  We were going to live in her neighborhood.  He had accepted a grad program there, June was enrolled in preschool there, I was hunting for apartments there, living miles from my best friend for the first time since we were 20 and living together in Hawaii.  "Akasha, we're not moving"  I can't hold back the tears.  "We're getting divorced instead."

Jump to my birthday.  32.  Seventeen days since he left.  Only my family and close friends know.   I want a birthday cake- something, something to make this day feel kind of happy.  Only there's no one to make it.  So I make it.  I borrow a kitchen-aid from my neighbor.  "I hope you're not making your own birthday cake!" she jokes.  "Make Greg do it".  My family wants to make me feel surrounded and loved on my birthday, but instead they overdo it.  This is not their fault.  This is their first "We have a sister who is going through a divorce on her birthday and we want to make her feel loved" experience.  Forty of us at an outdoor concert surrounded by hundreds of strangers and there is chaos and noise and I feel so lost so alone so absolutely all by myself on my birthday.  It's too wild for the cake I made.  So we drive 30 minutes and do it at my mom's house instead.  But now my kids are tired, they're grumpy, they're crying, it's already 9:30 almost 10 pm and the day has slipped far past madness.  "Mom, I can't do this anymore, I need to go" I am choking back tears.  "What's wrong?" she asks.  What's wrong what's wrong what's wrong????  This is all wrong.  They scramble to do the best they can to make me happy.  My family sings to me around the birthday cake I made for myself and I hold my babies on my lap and can't stop crying.  Happy Birthday make a wish.

Jump to a chair lift a few weeks ago.  Skiing with a college best friend.  "My husband jokes that he doesn't like when I hang out with you because I come home and want to get divorced.  That I'm jealous."  The word takes me back.  Jealous?  Jealous of heartbreak and a broken family and only seeing your kids four days a week and meeting at the Maverick gas station to switch off kids like they are some kind of bartered good and dating psychos again trying to find someone someone out there to love you?  No.  I'll take the stable, happy marriage any day.

Jump to announcing online that I am getting divorced.  What a weird world where I have to announce to 5000 strangers that the fun, easy breezy marriage was not fun was not easy breezy.  In a burst of bravery on a Sunday night in August I post a picture of us.  "It's with a broken heart that I let you know that we have decided to end our marriage..."  I cry all the way through the post.  As soon as I hit post I turn the phone off and retreat to the basement.  I cannot handle to see the comments coming in, the disappointment, the "Oh my gosh I'm sorry I had no idea."  I work on jewelry.  Take pictures of necklaces for a summer clearance sale the next day.  I cry I process I take pictures.  I cry I process I edit pictures.  I cry I process I list necklaces online for a business that must support me and my two children and pay for our mortgage, our insurance, Hugh's diapers.  At 1 am I emerge from the basement and turn on my phone.  Texts and comments from people from every stage of my life come pouring in.  From college, from Argentina, from previous students, from BYU Hawaii, from high school friends, from childhood neighbors.  I lay at the foot of the bed in the hot room under the ceiling fan and read them all.  I cannot reply.  But I read them and I cry.

How do broken hearts feel strong?

Jump to three days ago coming home from Puerto Rico.  I leave my car at a friend's house while I'm gone, a more than a friend.  When I get in the car it feels different, it smells good, it is vacuumed.  A note is on the steering wheel.  "I had your car detailed and filled up the gas while you were gone.  Hope that's ok!"  I am floored by this.  I've never been in a relationship where someone was capable, was wanting, was willing to take care of me on this level. I've always done everything on my own.   I don't know how to receive what he is giving.  I feel grateful.  I feel scared.  I leave the note on the dashboard to remind myself that I am worthy and that I deserve to be taken care of like this.

Jump to my 65 year old mission companion visiting me in September.  She is taking her granddaughter up to BYU Idaho for college.  She stops and takes me to dinner and stays the night in my townhome.  We stay up late talking.  She is the best storyteller.  I could listen to her all day and all night and all the next day too.  She tells me about her daughter's recent divorce. "She got married for hope" she tells me "She got divorced for the loss of it."  I understand this.

Jump to June asking me "when am I going to have a baby sister?"  "I have to be married for that June."  I reply.  "But why aren't you married to daddy?"  I don't know, June.  I don't know.

Jump to Valentine's Day.  I drive around and around and listen to Kesha's Praying. "I'm proud of who I am"  she says.  "The best is yet to come"  "I had to learn how to fight for myself"  "We both know the truth I could tell"  I'm supposed to be going to a dumb boy's house but instead I drive and drive.  I text him that I am lost and instead I drive and I listen and I cry.  Yes, indeed, the best is yet to come.


How do broken hearts go on?  Tell me how do broken hearts go on?

-"How do broken hearts go on, How do broken hearts feel strong"  from Ingrid Michaelson's song Drink you Gone.
- "Jump to" structure from Chuck Palahniuk's novel Invisible Monsters
- Deiter F. Uchtdorf talk 2008 "The Infinite Power of Hope"

Sunday, February 10, 2019

I thought I lost this blog.

I thought I lost this blog.

The domain name expired.  I didn't move fast enough.  And when I did move it was overwhelming and confusing and complicated.  Three hours on the phone with blogger and godaddy and blogger and godaddy and no answers left me crippled.  I paid godaddy $140 but nothing connected still.  They needed DNS settings and blah blah blah blah internet talk.  It was beyond my capacity to understand or fix.

My blog is gone
My blog is gone
My blog is gone

I tried to accept it.  An era of time lost.  Maybe an era of time I wanted to lose?  No.  Because yes there was a hard and lonely marriage in between the lines of this blog but there was also babies and teaching and faith and things that meant something.  Things I couldn't bear to lose.

It was the middle of the day on a Tuesday.  I got in a hot bath.  You've lost before in your life I tried to tell myself.  You've lost a dad.  You've lost a marriage.  You can lose a blog.  And I cried and cried.

A few weeks later my friend Sarah said "come over and I'll try to help you with your blog."  I didn't have a lot of hope. I had already said goodbye.

But I went over.  We logged onto godaddy.  Somehow.  The email and the password found in archives of screenshots.  She followed the completely nonsensical directions from blogger.  It didn't work.  She redirected things. Typed in code. It still didn't work.  I started to feel panicky and anxious.  I couldn't figure this out.  My brain wanted to explode.  I have to pick up my groceries I said.  I can't deal with this right now.   I'll keep dinking around with this Sarah said.  I took my kids and we left.

I picked up the groceries and went home and put babies down for naps and worked on orders for Hey June and started making dinner.

Picked up my phone to find a recipe, clicked on my internet browser and just like that, my blog popped up on my phone.  Restored.  Not dead.  In the flesh and alive.

I started crying as soon as I saw it.  I texted Sarah HOW DID YOU DO IT?!?!?!?

I just kept playing around with it after you left and gave it some time she replied.  I'm glad I could help.

I was overcome with gratitude.  I am overcome while writing this.  How do I deserve someone who will help me like this?

I've lost a lot in my life.   A dad.  A marriage.  Almost a blog.  But I've gained too.  A best friend who loves me like a sister and cares about my problems and sees ways to help me that I cannot even see myself.

Yes.  I've gained.