The Life of Bon: August 2018

Wednesday, August 29, 2018


Sometimes I wonder.

How will I look back on this time in my life?

When I'm 64 what will I think of 32 year old me?

32 year old Bonnie, going through a divorce, trying to keep it all together, making french toast for two babies in the morning, taking pictures for a jewelry sale in the afternoon, taking kids to a birthday party in the evening, putting kids down to bed, going to Rich Crazy Asians with friends, staying up until 1 am making cookies and editing jewelry pictures, doing what it takes to provide for herself and her babies.  Sometimes feeling so overwhelmed with sorrow that she can't possibly go another day and sometimes feeling so overwhelmed with relief that this life is hers hers hers and she can make of it what she wants.

What will I think of this Bonnie?  My now Bonnie that won't be now Bonnie for long, that in the blink of an eye now Bonnie will be past Bonnie who was once going through a very hard time.

I'm not 64 yet.  So I don't know 64 year old Bonnie.  I hope she has a lot of money and is having good sex.  I hope she's not on any kind of lame diet.  But mostly I hope she's kind and compassionate and patient.  I think she is.  I think she's looking at me and this experience and saying "Wow, Bonnie.  You were so strong.  You were so brave.  You took such great care of those babies.  You were kind and you were beautiful and you were tough as hell."

I think 64 year old Bonnie is saying those things to me.
And I think 32 year old Bonnie is too.

Wednesday, August 22, 2018


Today was the first day of school at Jordan High.

And for the first time in my life I am not going back to school.

Not as a student in Price Utah, not as a college student at BYU, not as a high school teacher at Jordan High.

Eight years of teaching high school English.

Today is my first day of not being a high school English teacher.

I did not find a cute outfit to wear on my first day.  I did not write objectives on the board.  I did not assign the first chapter of Lord the the Flies for homework.  I did not pass out disclosures and try in vain to convince students that yes, I really will take their cell phones if they have them out during class.  I did not frantically study seating charts and try to memorize names, did not reward myself with a large diet coke from Sonic on my way home.

In another world I would have done all that.  A world I have lived in my whole life.  Now it's a new world, I guess.

In my new world I woke up to June asking me to watch show.  I was lying at the foot of the bed because it's the only place where I can get cool (directly under the ceiling fan) and now that I sleep in the king sized bed alone I guess it doesn't much matter if I'm at the top or at the foot, frontways or sideways, upside down or backwards.  The bed can be slept in however I please.

In my new world my mom came over in the morning to help me mop my floors, clean out the fridge, take care of kids, figure out why the garbage disposal isn't running.  This is at my request.  I finally worked up the courage to say mom can you come over every single week and help me keep everything together (physically and emotionally) and can you do this for the foreseeable future, possibly months until I feel strong again?  And she said yes of course, I'll be there.

In my new world I dropped my four year old off at preschool, put the one year old for down a nap, and then ventured to the basement to fulfill jewelry orders.  Orders for a business I have built myself from the ground up.  Work that I am so grateful for and that is flexible and makes a good wage to provide financially for me and my babies but that admittedly does not light up my soul the way that memorizing seating charts and passing out disclosures and assigning chapter one of Lord of the Flies does.

How did I get from where I was to where I am?

In my new world I met Greg at Maverick, switched car seats and babies, and drove off alone, back the way I came.  In my new world I went to the mall by myself to engage in retail therapy and left filling empty and assaulted by mall smells.  In my new world I drove to the temple and took a nap in the car and then went inside in search of rest from the chaos chaos chaos in my mind.

In my new world I drove thru In-N-Out, devoured a burger in the car, came home, trudged back down to my basement, worked on more orders, felt grateful, felt sad, felt relieved, felt heavy, felt alone, felt loved.

What a world.

Thursday, August 16, 2018


Yesterday I had to wake Hugh up from his nap.

I don't really let him ever sleep past 5 pm.  Then he never goes down for the night.  But waking up a baby from a long and delicious afternoon nap always feels like a kind of sin to me.

I made a bunch of noise in his room.  Opened drawers and turned off the fan. But he didn't stir.  His bottom lip stuck out, his arms huddled close to his chest.  He wanted to sleep.  Not this rude awakening.

So I got in the crib with him.  I've never done that before.  Gotten in the crib.  But it felt like I needed to be on his level to do this mean thing to him.  So I climbed in, cuddled next to him, and slowly started stroking his back.

He opened his eyes.  Then closed them.  Opened them again.  Rolled over.  Curled into me.  Couldn't believe I was making him wake up.

He looked so sad and tired.  So disappointed that this was truly what was happening and that he was going to have to accept it.  And I thought, boy me too.  I get you.  So I didn't say anything, and I didn't rush him and I just lay there and rubbed his back.  Made it as easy as I could for him to get up when he was ready. 

He yawned.  He stretched.  He rolled from one side, to the next, to the next.  Eyes closed again.  Eyes open again.  Learning to accept his reality.

We lay there together minute after minute in his crib.  I tried to practice with myself the same things I had been practicing with him.  Love.  Compassion.  Tenderness.  Patience. 

We'll figure out a way to get up. 

But it might take a while.