The Life of Bon: This morning Hugh woke up at 5 am.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

This morning Hugh woke up at 5 am.

It was still dark outside.  I could feel Greg beside me shuffle out of bed, get the baby, bring him to me to nurse beneath the crisp sheets of our king sized bed.

But we couldn't get comfortable, Hugh and I.  He's getting bigger now.  Doesn't rest as easily on my arm as he once did.

So I shuffled back to the nursery, collapsed in the rocking chair.  Hugh cozied up to me and after a few sucks was already drifting back to sleep.  He was heavy in my arms, not needing the comfort of nursing, just the comfort of mom.

Most times during middle of the night feedings I am half asleep.  This morning I was wide awake.  Hyper aware of everything around me.  The sweet baby heavy in my arms.  The mountain mural I painted on his wall while 8 1/2 months pregnant.  The turquoise lamp that fits his nursery perfectly and that I worked so hard to find.

Suddenly I felt my dad there with me too.  Stopping by.  He does that sometimes.  Drifts in an out.  Pops in to say hi.  Sometimes it's when I need him the most.  Sometimes it's like this morning- just a sweet little unexpected surprise.  Hi Bopper.  I'm still here.  I still love you.  Look at my amazing little grandbaby in your arms.

After a few minutes I put Hugh down and looked at his sleeping baby perfection.  His pursed lips.  His fat cheeks.  I felt so grateful.

I checked in on June in the room next door.  She was sleeping on top of the blankets, her head down where her feet should be.  The soles of her feet were dirty.  Her hair in messy, left over pigtails from the day before.  I draped a blanket over the top of her little three year old body.  She smelled like dirt and sweat and summer.

Back to bed.  I nestled in close to Greg, my slumbering grizzly bear.

I couldn't sleep.  I felt overcome with gratitude.  My babies.  My home.  My husband.  What gifts I have been given.  It was so hard for so long, but lately it has been easy.  So grateful for the easy.  And grateful for the hard, too. So many times I wondered if we'd make it.  Job loss and depression and faith crisis and cancer and I wondered can we do this can we do this can we do this?  Are we strong enough are we strong enough are we strong enough?

I don't think we're out of the hard times.  But for so long there was so much darkness.  And now I feel light again.  I feel light inside of me, feel light inside my home.  I feel light in my words and light in my sleep.  I feel light when I look at my sleeping babies and light when I crawl into bed next to Greg.  And after I take a minute to recognize that light, the gratitude overwhelms me again.

We can do this.  We are strong enough.

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