one year

a year ago he left
said this is never going
to work

firstly
denial
begging for it to work
I'll do anything
to keep
this marriage
together
sacrifice who I am
and what I need
anything
to keep us
together

he was firm
I'm sorry bon
this just won't
work

then broken
heart
sorrow
grief
hitherto before
unfelt and
unknown

hot summer days
can't stop crying
can't will myself out of
bed

the babies need me
the jewelry must be sent
a living must be made
but how
how
do I heal this broken
broken
heart

shopping?
swimsuits and jumpers
showing up at my door
new plates
new towels
maybe a new bed
left me
broke
and
still
sad

then acceptance
understanding

a new plan
running with
sarah
a half marathon
training, bolting down
canyons, early mornings,
sore feet and muscles. strong
legs
strong mind

dating
cute boys willing and wanting
to kiss me
telling me I'm beautiful
again
seeing my worth
chasing me
reminding me that I don't have
to beg
to be loved

then renewal
rebirth

another new hobby
skiing down mountains
faster
as she goes
feeling free
feeling fast
feeling safe
on an
unsafe
mountain

huntington beach
golden gate bridge
macchu picchu
colorful san juan
las vegas casinos
balloon fiesta in new mexico
airplanes and beaches
hikes and
mountains

see the world
meet new people
travel to see
that everyone feels
pain
and somehow
people
emerge from
their pain

finishing the basement
picking out
tile
and
hardwood floors
a jewelry space just
for me

I earned this
earned this business
earned
the privilege
the joy
the honor
to work
and live
so close to my kids

finally strength
and joy

friends who text and say
what do you need at Costco
I'm going today and
are we watching bachelor
tonight? and
how are you holding up 
today? do you need anything and
oh, that one is cute swipe right swipe right!

babies' fingers and hands all over
me
do you want to play princesses?
more cookies!
can I have friends over to play please
please please
please

a home,
a cocoon,
an oasis

created by myself
for my children
and for
me

to be safe
to feel loved
to heal
to recover
to emerge

one year

denial
broken heart
acceptance
understanding
renewal
rebirth
strength
joy