The Life of Bon: Bachelor Recap: Week 3

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Bachelor Recap: Week 3

You guys.  We are three weeks in and I have not written a Bachelor recap yet.


Forgive me please.  I declare Bachelor recaps every week from now on until the end of the season.  I promise!  (But I make no promises!)

I don't really want to recap the first two weeks so I'm just going to dive in here with our third week.  Before we go over the happenins of the week I have some very serious questions to ask:

1.  Are the girls required to put their measurements in when they apply for this show?  Everyone is so skinny!  I've noticed this before, but it was presented to me with alarming clarity when the girls were on their soccer date.  Is there no room for anyone who is not a model's size on this show?  Has there ever in the history of the Bachelor been a woman contestant who was even a little bit overweight?

Side note:  Seriously impressed by the twin who was the goalie.  That girl's got skills!

2.  Do they fake tan all the girls?  WHY SO TAN?  Sometimes I like to look at girls who have the same beautiful color of pasty skin as myself is that too much to ask?

3.  Are the contestants required to have long hair?  I mean, of course not required, but is that looked more favorably upon? Sometimes late at night when I can't sleep I feel sad that none of the girls have fun, spunky hair instead of perfect long, curled hair. (Caila's hair sends me into fits of mad jealousy every time I see her.  Some girls are born with all the stuff.)

Now... to recap


I think it's obvious Ben is really digging Lauren B.  I, however, was not.  In case Ben cares how I feel.  I was just bored to tears by their date.  Maybe the most boring date I have ever watched or been on.  And I went on some boring dates in my time!  It was just so... vanilla.  Nothing fun, nothing exciting, nothing interesting at all.  Over dinner she talked about how her dad used to cut the grass and he was like, "Oh that's so cute!  I love that!"  I mean, come on girl, you don't have anything more interesting in your life to talk about than that?  I don't think you have to have some huge sob story to fall in love, but I do appreciate someone with a little personality and this girl ain't got none.  I think it's pretty clear, though, that Ben really digs her.  More than any other girl so far.  Couldn't stop kissing her and asked incredulously "How are you still single?!"  Her humble reply:  "I'm really picky!"  Cue eye roll from me.  (Also why was she afraid to go in an airplane when she is a flight attendant for a living?  Do the girls pretend to be scared because they think the Bachelor will like it?  I don't get it.  Every girl on this show ever is deathly afraid of heights and I'm over it.)

Sorry to all of you who liked Lauren B.  Maybe she'll grow on me in the coming episodes.

Date #2:  SOCCER DATE!

This date was really uneventful for me besides my observations about all the skinny tan girls.  I think it'd be more fun if Ben played with the girls too.  That way it doesn't seem as much like he's having try outs.

That night a bunch of the girls talk crap on Olivia.  She has big toes and her breath smells sometimes.  One of the girls goes to tell poor Olivia that everyone thinks she has fat toes.  (Moments like these make me seriously wonder WHY ARE GIRLS THE WAY THAT THEY ARE?)  Upon hearing that the girls have been picking apart her appearance Olivia tries to guess what body part they hate the most, "Let me guess?  MY CALVES?  No?  MY ANKLES?!?"

No Olivia.  It's your feet.  They hate your feet.

Olivia is one contestant who everyone loves to hate because she's cocky and annoying, but I kind of love her.  The stuff she says about all the secret messages Ben sends her when he touches her is HILARIOUS.  She reminds me a little of Michelle Money in her Bachelor prime- like she says all this weird stuff kind of tongue and cheek  just to rattle the other contestants.  I feel like Bachelor is one big head game and right now Olivia is winning.

Well, of course, except for when they brought up her toes.

Oh, Amber gets the rose this night.  I have no idea how.  I mean, she kissed Ben, and boys like kissing so I guess that's it?


The girls are all mad at Jubilee because she calls Ben out on being 20 minutes late (Which yes, she has no tact, but seriously, boys can't be showing up 20 minutes late all the time and think that we're just like "whatever I'm just so happy to have a date that you can show up whatever the freak time you feel like!") and because she teasingly tries to give her date away.  She does not worship Ben on the level that you should worship a Bachelor so that kind of makes her public enemy #1.

Jubilee goes on the date with Ben in an outfit she apparently picked up from Deb.  Cropped top white turtleneck with white jumpsuit pants.  WHY JUBILEE WHY?

I really liked watching this date.  Ben seems more comfortable and like himself around Jubilee.  I also just really admire Jubilee because she's been to hell and back and is here (in a horrible white jumpsuit) to tell about it.  I think she's got a lot of strength and a lot of character to her.  She's the 100% opposite of vanilla sweet perfect Lauren.

She also looks good in a bikini.  (Like my cousin said when Jubilee came out in her swimsuit, "DAMN!")

Ben really likes Jubilee and she brings something out in him that none of the other girls do.  I felt like he was his most authentic self around Jubilee.


Ben breaks the news that good family friends were killed in a plane accident that day.  I do love myself some Olivia, but her choice to pull him away immediately and start crying about her cankles was not a good one.  NOT THE TIME OLIVIA, NOT THE TIME!

Amanda (my personal favorite- I'm partial to mamas on this show) seems to be a little more in tune with how he's feeling and Jubilee hits a home run by offering a massage for him.  Of course this makes the other girls mad because... I don't know why girls do the things they do.  They're just mad.  Especially Amber.  After said massage is interrupted and ended by Jami (which was the most awkward thing on reality tv to date) Amber and a group of girls try to force Jubilee over to talk to them so they can tell her that she can't give Ben a massage.  Jubilee doesn't want to enter into the gaggle of mad clucking girls and instead goes to the bathroom and cries until Ben comes up and comforts her.  Amber follows up to tell Ben that the girls decided Jubilee is not grateful enough for Ben.  BOO AMBER GET A LIFE.

Here's my thoughts:
Jubilee:  I get it, you got dealt the worst hand of cards in the world.  BUT. You do have to learn to get along with people.  Even if you don't really like them.  That's just an important life skill.  You can't sulk in the house and isolate yourself from everyone and just wait for your time for Ben.  I still really really like Jubilee, but I think she does need to learn to communicate and handle herself with the girls in the house.  I think it's always pretty telling on these shows how someone deals with conflict and Jubilee isn't handling her current conflict well.

Amber:  You just sent yourself home by tattle telling on Jubilee to Ben.  You are not special and now he thinks you're a busybody.  Time and time again in Bachelor history (you should know, this is your third time on the show!) the Bachelors or Bachelorettes hate the ones who get involved in other people's drama.  Those people never win!  NEVER.

And before the night can be over Lace sends herself home because this whole journey has been too emotional for her from the get go.  I have to admit, I really admire Lace for seeing that she wasn't in a good place to be on the show and for admitting that she needed to do some work on herself and "love herself before someone else can love me."  Way to go Lace!  You are the true victor tonight!

Alright, share your thoughts!  Who do you love?  Who do you hate?  Who will Ben choose?!?

My predictions for top five:

1.  Lauren B.  (Sadly.)
2.  Amanda
3.  Caila
4.  Becca
5.  Jojo

Jubilee might also be in the top five but I am betting that she self destructs (aka can't get along with any of the other girls and causes way too much drama for Ben) before that.

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