Right now I don't want to think about being a good writer or attracting an audience or making my sentences sound perfect. I just want to say what's on my heart and bare my little soul to the world wide web.
Yesterday I told you all about a major setback applying for jobs in California. For a few hours there it looked like finding a job in California at all would be impossible without my EL endorsement. I was to the point of tears and totally frustrated. I came home and told Greg about it and he was every bit as frustrated as I was. I think his frustration made my frustration worse. It was like his frustration confirmed it- "Yes. This is as bad as you think it is." Were we going to have to give up? Should we just quit this whole craziness now?
I was overwhelmed last night when I checked the comments on my "Setback" post a couple of hours after it went live. So many nice people! So many people who have never met me, don't know me, but will still take the time out of their lives to offer me advice or just tell me it will be okay. I was kind of amazed with the blog world at that moment. I know there are some major negatives to blogging, but this kindness and sense of community in the blog world makes up for it all. I was so touched last night and this morning as the suggestions, the ideas, the emails, the "I can talk to a friend who knows a friend who's mom works for..." offers. Thank you all.
I was also a bit floored when my teacher friend who originally told me the bad news came in to my classroom this morning. "Don't give up!" she told me as I tried to rush students down to the library for their state testing. "Don't be frustrated. You'll be fine." I suspect she had read my blog post from last night. Either that or my angst and tension over the situation was so strong she could sense it from her classroom down the hall. She told me she's been in touch with an HR person at a school she used to work for in California. I can possibly just take a test. Study my brains out for a test and pay $300 to take a test, mind you. But still. The test is given four times a year. The next test day is in a week. After that it won't be given again until August. So maybe it was a disguised blessing that I found out about all this hooplah yesterday? Enough time to get that test taken in time to still get a job?
Sometimes I hear things or see things and I feel so hopeless and think the world is totally jacked and we're all going to burn in hell. But days like today I am reassured of the goodness of the human spirit. The desire to give, to help, to serve.
Today I was reading in my journal from three years ago and felt like I was being taught something from 23 year old Bonnie. I graduated from BYU in April of 2010 and was frantically searching for a job- much like now. I hadn't yet met Greg, I didn't know where I would be living and I felt like my whole life was in limbo. This is what I wrote:
April 11, 2010
My future is one great big question mark and it drives me crazy. Sometimes I feel so anxious and nervous and who knows what is going to happen to me in the next few years, or even the next few months? Every single aspect of my life is a question. The only thing I am absolutely sure of is that I love the Lord and that He will take care of me if I'm faithful. And I guess when it comes down to it, that's all that matters. The Lord will take care of me. I really do know that.
I finished up my student teaching since last time I wrote. The job market is so tough right now and who knows when/if I'll be able to find a job actually teaching English. I think that is why I feel like everything is a question mark... I have no idea where I'll be working, where I'll be living, what I'll be doing in 4 months. It's a little daunting, and I'm going to be honest, scary. I like having answers and I like knowing what's going to happen. With the economy so shaky like this, I guess everyone just feels a little insecure.
I guess if I'm being honest with myself, the other big question mark in my life life is boys. I'm so jealous of people who know right away who they want to marry or only have to date one or two guys. I never feel sure about anyone I'm dating and I guess that's how it's supposed to be because I wasn't supposed to marry any of those guys. But even when a really good guy does come along and he likes me and I like him... I just hold back. I like to keep some things to myself and I can be slow to trust. I always have my guard up.
It was interesting for me to reread this today and feel so many of those emotions described... insecurity, angst, job instability, nervousness. It felt like I was watching a rerun of the past week. (Except for the boy part...)
Then, in September, five months later, I wrote this:
September 13, 2010
I was just cleaning my bathroom and while I was there on my hands and knees, cleaning behind the toilet, I thought of how all the unsurities in my life have become sure and how all the stresses and worries and insecurities that I've had over the past six months have resolved themselves. I was remembering the journal entry I wrote in April where everything in my life was a question mark and I had no idea what was going to happen to me or where I was going to be a couple of months down the road. A job, a place to live, and boys were all hard core stressing me out. I wrote that the only thing I was sure of was my commitment to the Lord and that he would take care of me. That was five months ago and I was filled with angst, stress, and nervousness. But I trusted in God. And now I think how everything I was so worried about has fallen into place. I am starting my fourth week and Copper Hills and am happy and secure in my new job. I've moved in with Courtney who is totally awesome and a good friend to me. And I'm dating Greg- the most top notch, high quality guy I've dated in years and the first guy I can picture myself really really settling down with. And I feel so overwhelmed when I think of it all. How good God is. How much He loves me. How He takes care of me. How when I put everything in His hands that He just works it out. My life is being watched over, it is not accidental, and God is micromanaging my world. I am so filled with peace and contentment and calm. I think calm is the best way to describe it. I just feel so grateful and so overcome with love, and I guess most of all gratitude. It's just so amazing how everything turns out alright when we are keeping the commandments and putting God first in our lives. I feel like everything in my life is coming together, and even though I know that it might come apart again, the most important thing is that I know that it will come back together again. No matter how many times things come apart in my life, I have no doubt that God will put them back together again.
I can't help but be insanely grateful to 23 year old Bonnie who decided to write this all down when she was feeling good one afternoon. Who would have thought it would help 26 year old Bonnie so much? At the end of the day, I can only control so much and then the rest you have to put into God's hands. I really do know that everything will work out the way it is supposed to. I almost feel like I am being ungrateful to God by worrying so much because it shows a lack of trust in His abilities. He's never given me reason to doubt before.
I think Dee said it best in her comment she left yesterday: "Trust your father. Support your husband. The rest will fall into place."
Amen, sister.
And again, thank you a million times for your kind words, advice, and buoying of spirits.
It helps more than you know!
Oh, and FYI, no more of this serious crap on the blog, okay?.
We're getting fun tomorrow, I promise!
Clothes and food and shopping and making fun of my students fun, OH YAH!
