When disappointment, grief and fear are gone

Today I heard from a good friend friend of mine that she miscarried her baby this morning. She was safely in her second trimester, out of the "danger zone" so to speak.  I was at school when I heard the news- the last bell of the day had just rung at school, I was busy trying to fill out a reimbursement form for a set of Catcher in the Rye books, and bam, there was the text.  Tears sprung to my eyes instantly as I imagined her pain, heartbreak and disappointment on an afternoon like this one. 

I have been reflecting a lot lately on God and death and the purpose of trials and disappointments and why it is that this life can seem so damn hard sometimes.  And it seems like no one is spared. Last week Greg and I heard the devastating news that a friend's brother had committed suicide.  At Christmas an old roommate of mine lost her little sister.  A former student tragically fell to her death in a rappelling accident this fall.

One thing I learned when my dad died is that there are two categories of things you can say to someone who is suffering loss.  1.Things that help a little bit and 2. Things that don't help at all.  There is no category of things that help a lot.  Only time brings that, I suppose.  At the end of the day it is still suffering, it is still grief, it is heartache.  No words take the grief away.  Grief is interesting in the way that it refuses to be seen out the door.  It is one emotion that absolutely will not leave until it feels like it has good and had its turn, no matter how many times you think you have successfully shooed it away.  Grief is an insistent guest that leaves only on His time, and never at your invitation.

But still.  There ARE things to say that help a little.

These are the things that people said to me that helped me most:
- I love you.
- God loves you.
- I am praying for you.
- I am thinking about you.
- You are an incredible person.
- I am here for you.
- You can call any day, any time.

Interestingly enough, I hated being told I was "strong" because I didn't want to be strong.  I wanted to be weak and I wanted to cry.  The worst was "I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you."  That only made it harder.

I don't understand a lot about God.  I don't even understand a little about God, if I'm being truthful- I've pretty much got a notebook full of questions for the man when I meet him again.  There is so much about this life that is unfair and unkind.  I don't know why he doesn't give a loving, secure couple a baby when they want it more than anything.  I don't know why he takes away someone's dad right before he was about to serve a three year mission for God.  I don't know why he makes some people gay and some people straight; I don't know why some of my 16 year old students have known divorce and broken families and terrible abuse; I don't know why I have a warm home and a great job but the 27 year old in Goya, Argentina has four children and doesn't know how to read.  I don't know.

One of my favorite scriptures in the Book of Mormon says this: "I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things."  (1 Nephi 11:17)   Sometimes this scripture is the only thing that offers me comfort when I'm frustrated with these big questions.  There is so much I don't understand or don't know the meaning of, but the one thing I do know without a doubt is that God loves His children.

Another favorite Book of Mormon scripture of mine is found in Mosiah 18:8-9.  The prophet says that those who follow Christ are "willing to bear one another's burdens, that they may be light; yea and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort."  It's interesting that he doesn't mention anything about being there for each other in good times, being willing to celebrate, being willing to party.  A true disciple is willing to "mourn with those that mourn."  I know that I will always remember the sacrifices that friends and family made the weeks and months surrounding my dad's death to be there for me and to mourn with me.  I can't forget the efforts to be at the funeral, the long late night talks in my apartment, the lunches loved ones spent with me while I was a muddle of tears.  Those were people who were willing to mourn with me, and I have a special place in my heart filled with gratitude and love for them.

I'll just leave with this before I sign off for the night.  One of my favorite hymns is "Be Still my Soul."  The year that my dad died I repeated the last verse to myself over and over and over and found great comfort in those healing words.  I pasted the lyrics below and bolded the phrases that mean the most to me.  My very favorite is the line in the last verse- "When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone."  What an absolutely beautiful promise.  If nothing else, I guess I will hold strong to that.

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

I would love to know the scriptures, quotes, and songs that help you the most when you are struggling with "disappointment, grief and fear."  Please, use the comment section today to "mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort."

Love.

Trust

Right now I don't want to think about being a good writer or attracting an audience or making my sentences sound perfect. I just want to say what's on my heart and bare my little soul to the world wide web.

Yesterday I told you all about a major setback applying for jobs in California.  For a few hours there it looked like finding a job in California at all would be impossible without my EL endorsement.  I was to the point of tears and totally frustrated.  I came home and told Greg about it and he was every bit as frustrated as I was.  I think his frustration made my frustration worse.  It was like his frustration confirmed it- "Yes.  This is as bad as you think it is."  Were we going to have to give up?  Should we just quit this whole craziness now?

I was overwhelmed last night when I checked the comments on my "Setback" post a couple of hours after it went live.  So many nice people!  So many people who have never met me, don't know me, but will still take the time out of their lives to offer me advice or just tell me it will be okay.  I was kind of amazed with the blog world at that moment.  I know there are some major negatives to blogging, but this kindness and sense of community in the blog world makes up for it all.  I was so touched last night and this morning as the suggestions, the ideas, the emails, the "I can talk to a friend who knows a friend who's mom works for..." offers.  Thank you all.

I was also a bit floored when my teacher friend who originally told me the bad news came in to my classroom this morning.  "Don't give up!" she told me as I tried to rush students down to the library for their state testing.  "Don't be frustrated.  You'll be fine."  I suspect she had read my blog post from last night. Either that or my angst and tension over the situation was so strong she could sense it from her classroom down the hall.  She told me she's been in touch with an HR person at a school she used to work for in California.  I can possibly just take a test.  Study my brains out for a test and pay $300 to take a test, mind you.  But still.  The test is given four times a year.  The next test day is in a week.  After that it won't be given again until August.  So maybe it was a disguised blessing that I found out about all this hooplah yesterday?  Enough time to get that test taken in time to still get a job?

Sometimes I hear things or see things and I feel so hopeless and think the world is totally jacked and we're all going to burn in hell.  But days like today I am reassured of the goodness of the human spirit.  The desire to give, to help, to serve.

Today I was reading in my journal from three years ago and felt like I was being taught something from 23 year old Bonnie. I graduated from BYU in April of 2010 and was frantically searching for a job- much like now.  I hadn't yet met Greg, I didn't know where I would be living and I felt like my whole life was in limbo.  This is what I wrote:

April 11, 2010

My future is one great big question mark and it drives me crazy.  Sometimes I feel so anxious and nervous and who knows what is going to happen to me in the next few years, or even the next few months?  Every single aspect of my life is a question.  The only thing I am absolutely sure of is that I love the Lord and that He will take care of me if I'm faithful. And I guess when it comes down to it, that's all that matters. The Lord will take care of me. I really do know that.  

I finished up my student teaching since last time I wrote. The job market is so tough right now and who knows when/if I'll be able to find a job actually teaching English. I think that is why I feel like everything is a question mark... I have no idea where I'll be working, where I'll be living, what I'll be doing in 4 months. It's a little daunting, and I'm going to be honest, scary. I like having answers and I like knowing what's going to happen. With the economy so shaky like this, I guess everyone just feels a little insecure.

I guess if I'm being honest with myself, the other big question mark in my life life is boys. I'm so jealous of people who know right away who they want to marry or only have to date one or two guys. I never feel sure about anyone I'm dating and I guess that's how it's supposed to be because I wasn't supposed to marry any of those guys. But even when a really good guy does come along and he likes me and I like him... I just hold back. I like to keep some things to myself and I can be slow to trust. I always have my guard up.

It was interesting for me to reread this today and feel so many of those emotions described... insecurity, angst, job instability, nervousness.  It felt like I was watching a rerun of the past week.  (Except for the boy part...)

Then, in September, five months later, I wrote this:

September 13, 2010

I was just cleaning my bathroom and while I was there on my hands and knees, cleaning behind the toilet, I thought of how all the unsurities in my life have become sure and how all the stresses and worries and insecurities that I've had over the past six months have resolved themselves. I was remembering the journal entry I wrote in April where everything in my life was a question mark and I had no idea what was going to happen to me or where I was going to be a couple of months down the road.  A job, a place to live, and boys were all hard core stressing me out. I wrote that the only thing I was sure of was my commitment to the Lord and that he would take care of me.  That was five months ago and I was filled with angst, stress, and nervousness. But I trusted in God.  And now I think how everything I was so worried about has fallen into place.  I am starting my fourth week and Copper Hills and am happy and secure in my new job. I've moved in with Courtney who is totally awesome and a good friend to me. And I'm dating Greg- the most top notch, high quality guy I've dated in years and the first guy I can picture myself really really settling down with. And I feel so overwhelmed when I think of it all. How good God is. How much He loves me. How He takes care of me. How when I put everything in His hands that He just works it out. My life is being watched over, it is not accidental, and God is micromanaging my world. I am so filled with peace and contentment and calm. I think calm is the best way to describe it. I just feel so grateful and so overcome with love, and I guess most of all gratitude. It's just so amazing how everything turns out alright when we are keeping the commandments and putting God first in our lives. I feel like everything in my life is coming together, and even though I know that it might come apart again, the most important thing is that I know that it will come back together again. No matter how many times things come apart in my life, I have no doubt that God will put them back together again.

I can't help but be insanely grateful to 23 year old Bonnie who decided to write this all down when she was feeling good one afternoon.  Who would have thought it would help 26 year old Bonnie so much?  At the end of the day, I can only control so much and then the rest you have to put into God's hands. I really do know that everything will work out the way it is supposed to.  I almost feel like I am being ungrateful to God by worrying so much because it shows a lack of trust in His abilities.  He's never given me reason to doubt before.

I think Dee said it best in her comment she left yesterday:  "Trust your father.  Support your husband.  The rest will fall into place."

Amen, sister.

And again, thank you a million times for your kind words, advice, and buoying of spirits.  

It helps more than you know!

Oh, and FYI, no more of this serious crap on the blog, okay?.   

We're getting fun tomorrow, I promise!  

Clothes and food and shopping and making fun of my students fun, OH YAH!

Peace

I think we can all agree that it is difficult to make sense of the shooting on Friday.  I have struggled to find answers.  Human tendency is to seek for something or someone to blame.  Immediately.  There must be fault.  The school security wasn't good enough.  The killer didn't get mental help when he needed it.  There's too much violence in video games.  Gun laws need to be stricter.  We need a solution NOW.

I guess I feel like this is probably part of the grieving process- a desperate attempt to find fault and then to try to immediately work out solutions.  I don't know what the solutions are, but I know they will take time.  Healing is a slow process and the only real healer of tragedy is time.  Lots and lots of time.

And so, I am trying my best to not think of the countless things that must have gone wrong in order to lead up to such a horrific event.  Trying hard to not blame here and not blame there, but instead to just find some sort of peace in the wake of the tragedy.  I am praying for the families of the victims.  Praying that they will feel the love of the entire nation, that they will feel our tears and our hugs and our support, that they will feel peace and eventually acceptance and someday, maybe someday, even forgiveness.

I have heard several remarks that the tragedy is worsened by the fact that it happened around Christmas.  I agree with this and I disagree with this.  Certainly the pang of loss will be felt more sharply on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  Of course.  But hopefully those missing their loved ones so desperately will be comforted during this special time, even moreso than they would be able to during another time of the year.  I pray that they will be able to feel that special spirit of Christmas, and that it can be used as an extra dosage of comfort.  I pray that they can feel God's love an extra amount and understand more fully the miracle that Christ's birth was and is.  I pray that they will feel extra love, extra peace, extra closeness to a loving Heavenly Father.

I went to church yesterday not thinking about pants at all, like I had originally thought I would, but instead hoping to make some sense of the tragedy.  The answer to my prayers came in the form of my sister, who is visiting from California for the week.  She shared with the class that she had found comfort in the third and fourth verse of "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day."  They are so beautiful and so fitting.

And in despair I bowed my head:

"There is no peace on earth," I said,

"For hate is strong and mocks the song

Of peace on earth, good will to men."

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:

"God is not dead, nor doth he sleep;

The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,

With peace on earth, good will to men."

To end the meeting, we sang one of my favorite hymns, "Be Still My Soul."  Again, I found the lyrics to be so fitting.

(Third and Fourth Verse)

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,

And all is darkened in the vale of tears,

Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,

Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.

Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay

From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on

When we shall be forever with the Lord.

When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,

Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.

Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past

All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

I don't know what the answers are, but I do know that the Lord is over all.  I know they He will "repay" that which He has "taken away."  I believe in justice and I believe in mercy.  I believe in hope and love and charity and kindness- even in the midst of such tragedy.  I believe in a day when tears are past.

Somehow in the midst of this terrible event, I have felt incredible peace.  My wish is that all you may feel the same.

P.S.  I will be participating in this tomorrow- a blogger day of silence.

I Believe

I believe...

In being pretty.  In painted fingernails and long eyelashes and beautiful dresses.  I believe that every once in a while every woman should straight up feel like a million bucks.

I believe in laughing and laughing freely and even sometimes laughing when you don't feel much like laughing at all.

I believe in hard work and rewards.  I think good things come to those who wait, but I know that even better things come to those who don't waste time waiting and just get to work.

I believe in love.
I believe in marriage.
I believe in sacrifice, loyalty, trust, compromise, hard work, and letting go of pride.
I believe in saying sorry.

I believe that dreams can come true and that a dream is really nothing more than a big goal that requires so much work that it overwhelms most of us so much that it never becomes more than a dream.  I've always dreamed of being a writer, but the road seemed too long, the pathway too arduous.  I'll always be grateful for Hubs for encouraging me to chase my dreams, no matter how far fetched they first seemed.  It wasn't until I married Hubs that I dared to start blogging consistently.  I'm telling you now, it ain't no coincidence.


I believe in movie theatres and popcorn and an ice cold coca cola.


I believe in a God who is loving, forgiving, and understanding.  I believe in a God that does things we don't understand sometimes, but that doesn't do anything  that isn't absolutely necessary for us to become who He wants us to become.

I believe that my dad is still with me and is still a part of me.  I believe that he watches over me, protects me, laughs when I say something crazy to my students, and covers his eyes in horror when I run a red light.

I believe in the power of prayer.

I believe in the power of words.  Their power to heal, change, and inspire.  I believe in literature, and Shakespeare, and even the power of this little blogging world.

I believe in friends.  In being friends with your family, and friends with your roommates, and friends with your husbands.  I believe in my work friends and my college friends and my blog friends.  I believe in spending time with girls because those boys just straight up don't get it sometimes.

I believe that people like you based on how you make them feel.  The key to having a lot of friends is making people feel good about themselves.  You make people feel good about themselves, and you'll have a pack of friends following you around for life.

I believe in the power of serving others.  Of forgetting yourself and going to work.  I believe in my mom and her incredible example of strength and love and trust in God.  Of kindness and generosity and always having a warm, open heart.

I believe in honoring your parents.  I also believe in finding out what YOU believe, in gaining your own knowledge, and making your own choices.  I'll always be grateful to my parents for letting me do that.

I believe that if you're not playing a game with the intent to win a game, why are you playing it at all?

I believe in a diet coke to get you through the day.  If the first diet coke is cracked at 8 am, well by golly, I believe in that too.

I believe in quiet time... in finding time alone with God, time to think, time to be grateful, time to study, time to read, time to ponder.

I believe in loud time... in football games and dance parties and big, obnoxious groups of people having a good old time.

I believe that everyone should at one time visit a third world country.  That we should all make the effort to see the rest of the way the world lives and them come home and never complain about the color of our carpet again.

I believe in cooking on the grill and homemade ice cream and Sunday dinners with the family.

I believe in beautiful weather being a gift from God and in the quiet beauty of a Thursday evening home alone.

(This is a link up... I stole the idea from Erin.  Go link up.  And if you don't know Erin you need to.  She's a blogging mastermind.)