The Life of Bon: Trust

Thursday, May 09, 2013

Trust



Right now I don't want to think about being a good writer or attracting an audience or making my sentences sound perfect. I just want to say what's on my heart and bare my little soul to the world wide web.

Yesterday I told you all about a major setback applying for jobs in California.  For a few hours there it looked like finding a job in California at all would be impossible without my EL endorsement.  I was to the point of tears and totally frustrated.  I came home and told Greg about it and he was every bit as frustrated as I was.  I think his frustration made my frustration worse.  It was like his frustration confirmed it- "Yes.  This is as bad as you think it is."  Were we going to have to give up?  Should we just quit this whole craziness now?

I was overwhelmed last night when I checked the comments on my "Setback" post a couple of hours after it went live.  So many nice people!  So many people who have never met me, don't know me, but will still take the time out of their lives to offer me advice or just tell me it will be okay.  I was kind of amazed with the blog world at that moment.  I know there are some major negatives to blogging, but this kindness and sense of community in the blog world makes up for it all.  I was so touched last night and this morning as the suggestions, the ideas, the emails, the "I can talk to a friend who knows a friend who's mom works for..." offers.  Thank you all.

I was also a bit floored when my teacher friend who originally told me the bad news came in to my classroom this morning.  "Don't give up!" she told me as I tried to rush students down to the library for their state testing.  "Don't be frustrated.  You'll be fine."  I suspect she had read my blog post from last night. Either that or my angst and tension over the situation was so strong she could sense it from her classroom down the hall.  She told me she's been in touch with an HR person at a school she used to work for in California.  I can possibly just take a test.  Study my brains out for a test and pay $300 to take a test, mind you.  But still.  The test is given four times a year.  The next test day is in a week.  After that it won't be given again until August.  So maybe it was a disguised blessing that I found out about all this hooplah yesterday?  Enough time to get that test taken in time to still get a job?

Sometimes I hear things or see things and I feel so hopeless and think the world is totally jacked and we're all going to burn in hell.  But days like today I am reassured of the goodness of the human spirit.  The desire to give, to help, to serve.

Today I was reading in my journal from three years ago and felt like I was being taught something from 23 year old Bonnie. I graduated from BYU in April of 2010 and was frantically searching for a job- much like now.  I hadn't yet met Greg, I didn't know where I would be living and I felt like my whole life was in limbo.  This is what I wrote:

April 11, 2010

My future is one great big question mark and it drives me crazy.  Sometimes I feel so anxious and nervous and who knows what is going to happen to me in the next few years, or even the next few months?  Every single aspect of my life is a question.  The only thing I am absolutely sure of is that I love the Lord and that He will take care of me if I'm faithful. And I guess when it comes down to it, that's all that matters. The Lord will take care of me. I really do know that.  

I finished up my student teaching since last time I wrote. The job market is so tough right now and who knows when/if I'll be able to find a job actually teaching English. I think that is why I feel like everything is a question mark... I have no idea where I'll be working, where I'll be living, what I'll be doing in 4 months. It's a little daunting, and I'm going to be honest, scary. I like having answers and I like knowing what's going to happen. With the economy so shaky like this, I guess everyone just feels a little insecure.

I guess if I'm being honest with myself, the other big question mark in my life life is boys. I'm so jealous of people who know right away who they want to marry or only have to date one or two guys. I never feel sure about anyone I'm dating and I guess that's how it's supposed to be because I wasn't supposed to marry any of those guys. But even when a really good guy does come along and he likes me and I like him... I just hold back. I like to keep some things to myself and I can be slow to trust. I always have my guard up.

It was interesting for me to reread this today and feel so many of those emotions described... insecurity, angst, job instability, nervousness.  It felt like I was watching a rerun of the past week.  (Except for the boy part...)

Then, in September, five months later, I wrote this:

September 13, 2010

I was just cleaning my bathroom and while I was there on my hands and knees, cleaning behind the toilet, I thought of how all the unsurities in my life have become sure and how all the stresses and worries and insecurities that I've had over the past six months have resolved themselves. I was remembering the journal entry I wrote in April where everything in my life was a question mark and I had no idea what was going to happen to me or where I was going to be a couple of months down the road.  A job, a place to live, and boys were all hard core stressing me out. I wrote that the only thing I was sure of was my commitment to the Lord and that he would take care of me.  That was five months ago and I was filled with angst, stress, and nervousness. But I trusted in God.  And now I think how everything I was so worried about has fallen into place.  I am starting my fourth week and Copper Hills and am happy and secure in my new job. I've moved in with Courtney who is totally awesome and a good friend to me. And I'm dating Greg- the most top notch, high quality guy I've dated in years and the first guy I can picture myself really really settling down with. And I feel so overwhelmed when I think of it all. How good God is. How much He loves me. How He takes care of me. How when I put everything in His hands that He just works it out. My life is being watched over, it is not accidental, and God is micromanaging my world. I am so filled with peace and contentment and calm. I think calm is the best way to describe it. I just feel so grateful and so overcome with love, and I guess most of all gratitude. It's just so amazing how everything turns out alright when we are keeping the commandments and putting God first in our lives. I feel like everything in my life is coming together, and even though I know that it might come apart again, the most important thing is that I know that it will come back together again. No matter how many times things come apart in my life, I have no doubt that God will put them back together again.

I can't help but be insanely grateful to 23 year old Bonnie who decided to write this all down when she was feeling good one afternoon.  Who would have thought it would help 26 year old Bonnie so much?  At the end of the day, I can only control so much and then the rest you have to put into God's hands. I really do know that everything will work out the way it is supposed to.  I almost feel like I am being ungrateful to God by worrying so much because it shows a lack of trust in His abilities.  He's never given me reason to doubt before.

I think Dee said it best in her comment she left yesterday:  "Trust your father.  Support your husband.  The rest will fall into place."

Amen, sister.


And again, thank you a million times for your kind words, advice, and buoying of spirits.  
It helps more than you know!

Oh, and FYI, no more of this serious crap on the blog, okay?.   
We're getting fun tomorrow, I promise!  
Clothes and food and shopping and making fun of my students fun, OH YAH!

25 comments:

  1. glad you're feeling better :) Everything always falls into place and happens how it is supposed to. We just have to be patient and try our hardest. you go girl!!!

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  2. I want to thank you for posts like this. When my grandfather passed away last year I found your blog the next afternoon. I spent the next week reading every entry you'd written. It pulled me out of my slump. You always remind me that there's a positive to every negative. Thank you.

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    1. Annie this means so much to me! It is hard to remind even myself that there is a positive to every negative. So difficult to keep everything in perspective. I appreciate your sweet comments and friendship.

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  3. I love that you were able to reference past journals. I wish that I had more journals during college. I just started journaling again to help with the stress of my job and it has been really therapeutic. From what I can tell, you're an outstanding teacher with a passion for your job. Things will work out :)

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    1. I need to do more of it now! Because I write so much on my blog I don't write in my journal like I need to. It's the most honest writing there is so I definitely need to step it up a notch.

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  4. LOVE THIS SO MUCH. Truly exactly what I needed to read right now. Thank you.

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  5. yes yes yes and yes. keep that faith.

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  6. I'm supposed to be in bed asleep right now but I am so thankful that I'm not. This was such a blessing to read. I'm glad I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face because, while in a less dramatic way, I can totally relate to this. God will never let us down. He will fight our battles for us. We need only to be still.

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    1. You are so sweet! I am glad that it could touch you. The interesting thing about blogging is I think that we find out that there are so many people who are experiencing the same type of thing we are that we would never know it. Blogging allows us to share it.

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  7. It's funny how things happen. This post was exactly what I needed. Your past journal entries describe exactly how I feel being a young single adult, especially in Utah. It's amazing to look back and see that there wasn't that much time in between the entries yet so much had changed. I totally trust the Lord and believe everything happens for a reason and in the end it will all work out but hearing you say it, and the way you described it, was a refreshing reminder. Even though we've never met I feel like this was the most genuine advice any best friend would give. Thank you for putting this out there. I'm sure everything will work out for you, just keep your chin up! :)

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    1. Thank you Kylie! And I am sure everything will work out for you too- it always does. Being a young single adult is not fun anywhere- but I feel like Utah makes it especially tough. You are so aware of your "singleness".

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  8. I am a huge supporter of the idea that we meet who we and find what we need when we need it the most because we're questioning everything.

    Here's a virtual hug from a total stranger to put in your back pocket when you need it the most. {{{HUG}}}

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  9. your journal entry from september when things were finally falling into place for you......it absolutely made me tear up. it pretty perfectly describes a lot of my feelings lately. seriously - i'm sitting at work right now, typing this comment, and fighting back that big teary burning feeling in the back of my throat, wanting me to start crying. thank you thank you thank you for sharing that. exactly what i needed! i hope you don't mind, i'd like to share part of that in my blog post today.......check it out later if you'd like :) mjhorrocks.blogspot.com

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    1. Of course I don't mind! Share ahead! :)

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  10. Your journal entries are beautiful, it's crazy to see how the more things change in life...the more they stay the same. Three years ago you were at a COMPLETELY different place in your life but so many of your feelings were the same. It really goes to show you that our problems (no matter how BIG and how SCARY) are really trivial because when God steps in and reminds us that all of it is apart of his plan for our lives, things start to make sense.
    xxoo,
    Jordyn

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    1. Isn't it true?! Through all the changes in our lives there's so much that's the same. I feel like life is a cycle of ups and downs and at this point all the downs are pretty much just repeats of past downs! :)

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  11. I love this!! I really REALLY need to get back into journaling.

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  12. Bonnie,

    You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself. Some things are out of your control. If you can get the CLAD endorsement in time, AWESOME, but spending another year in Utah is not the end of the world. You guys are soooo young still. You might be able to save more money and Greg can get more theater experience or get his actors gulid card or what ever it is, but don't put so much pressure on yourself. This is life. Everything doesn't go exactly as we want. Be patient. I would keep your options open in Utah in case things don't work out in CA. That's just my two bits. But most of all, relax, and come up with a good back up plan in case you can't land a job in CA. That way you can sleep at night!!!

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  13. It can be difficult to see, when we're so certain of our path, and we've made plans, and we feel empowered by those plans....but usually the chance of a lifetime is hiding in the shadows of that wrench thrown into the works. Whether you ace this test and it's just a minor setback, or this forces you to consider a career change, embracing the scary possibilities will keep your eyes open to the amazing opportunities that lie within them. It's hard, but you can do it.

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  14. I love the blog post of your journal. I reread things from the past. I still am grappling with similar issues at times but you are so right. If we can just trust in our faith, the rest will fall into place. I have been praying for this a lot lately. Love your blog, Bon! -W

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  15. Thanks for sharing, totally needed this today!

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  16. I definitely needed this right now, thank you for sharing. I feel like right now alot of things in my life are a question mark and it can be so overly frustrating/stressful. Trusting in the Lord to take care of you is comforting but it also helps to know other people are going through the same thing or have gone through the same thing. Thanks Bonnie! : )

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  17. That's how I feel right now. True, I mentioned to you that I have a half-time job for next year, but I would love a full time job somewhere. I am especially worried about finances since my husband is still a full time student and we want to start a family soon which would be hard on the salary of a Hal time teacher. But like you suggested, I need to have faith. I am truly thankful I DO have a job lined up for next year and that I (and soon my husband) will have graduated debt-free.
    morrellfairytale.blogspot.com

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  18. My whole future is a question mark. I'm currently a recent college grad without a career and without a husband. I am very aware of the insecurities and worry in your journal entries. I appreciate this post so much. It helped to calm and comfort me. It is always nice to hear a success story and light at the end of the tunnel. We both can do this!

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