The Life of Bon: Bachelor Recap: Chess with Dead Husbands

Tuesday, February 03, 2015

Bachelor Recap: Chess with Dead Husbands

Well, folks, I don't normally blog about the Bachelor but I could resist no longer.  I love blogging!  I love the Bachelor!  Let's put them together already!! Also Greg is gone and I am all by my lonesome, free to waste ridiculous amounts of time to write a post about inconsequential and unimportant things like Bachelor contestants.  Yippee!

And now, for this week's Bachelor Recap!

Carly gets the first date this week.  Blog, this is Carly.  Carly, blog.

I don't love Carly because 1) she did the cheesiest, most awkward sing-into-a-toy-mic ever to introduce herself to Chris and 2) her eyebrows.  Arch much?

But it doesn't matter what I think about Carly because Chris digs her.  Chris digs all the girls, you know.  They proceed to go on the most awkward date of all time... to an intimacy therapist! On a first date!  Because we all know that our first concern on a first date is our intimacy issues with someone whom we've spent an entire twenty minutes.   The therapist has got weird black bangs, side fang tooth, and enjoys watching the two touch each other.

She tells them to do lots of totally normal things to each other for a first date.

I could hardly watch for pure embarrassment and shame.  I was about at my breaking point when finally poor Carly said "I'm uncomfortable."  We all are, honey, we all are.  Please, ABC, put us out of our misery!  But wait, not yet!  First you must sit on his lap and almost make out for about ten minutes.  Uncomfortable enough yet?  Good.

Carly and Chris's night date is a lot of conversation about how Carly has never felt pretty.  I actually want to like her and sympathize with her but THE EYEBROWS.  She then says something that all women in relationships can assure her is absolutely not true.

They kiss, date ends.

Back at the house, Kelsey is telling "her story" about her husband who passed away a year and a half ago.  Blog, meet Kelsey.

I used to like Kelsey, but by now we are all thoroughly convinced that she is the spawn of Satan, right?  She is super casual about the death of her husband and plays it like some of kind of strategic chess move.  When everyone else expresses sympathy for her tragedy, she acts in a completely appropriate manner for a grieving widow.

Oh, and did I mention that she is a guidance counselor?  If only all guidance counselors spoke such wisdom.  I mean, my husband dropped dead while walking to work.  It's just life, you fools!  No biggie.

But we've got no time to dwell on that nonsense because it's time for a group date!  In all seriousness, this looks like the most fun group date I have ever seen in the history of Bachelor group dates.  White water fafting!  They even through some real (little) rapids.  Gasp!  The girls even got kind of wet!  AND the water was cold!  How wild and crazy are the Bachelor producers getting now?

But seriously.  Someone please go white water rafting with me.

Let's see... on the group date the girls get catty because Jade fell in the water and now has hypothermia.  They use this as an opportunity to talk trash on her as she is now hogging their precious Chris time.  Can you believe Jade to fall in the water like that?  Homegirl has got some nerve!

That night the girls are all getting ready to hang with Chris when surprise! A guest!  It's Jordyn who was sent home two weeks ago.

Remember her?

Remember, guys?

No?  Oh, right.  No one remembers her time on Bachelor at all.  Including, turns out, herself.  She was so drunk she totally blew her time with Chris and now she wants a second chance.  Chris agrees, and the girls take it very well.  They point out that Jordyn consumed a lot of alcohol, remember, Chris? Whitney states that the point of the show is to not keep adding to the numbers, remember Chris?  The other crazy, drunk girl on the show is very vocal about her feelings as well.

 Ashley I. handles it perhaps the best when, in typical junior high fashion, threatens to "be mean" to Jordyn.  Whitney is way too sane for Ashley with a suggestion that "while we might disagree or be upset with the situation, it doesn't mean we should be blatantly rude."  To which Ashley decides she has always hated Whitney.  Naturally.

Here's Ashley and Whitney, respectively.

After blowing all of his one on one time with the girls talking about Jordyn, Chris decides to screw the nice guy act and sends Jordyn back home.  The girls literally cry with relief.


Group date crisis averted.  Chris gives the rose to Whitney, stating that she always makes him feel "special".  Ashley I. is fuming that her plan to be mean to Jordyn didn't win her the rose.  There is no one she hates more than Whitney for being so reasonable, and therefore Whitney is the last person who "deserves" a rose.  It is all very logical.

Back home Britt gets the date card.  Shocker! This is Britt, if you forgot.

Chris is gaga over Britt, and she is the self declared "front runner" of the competition.  But wait!  The caption on the date card reads  "The Sky is the Limit."  Britt is so scared of what the date might entail that she literally starts crying.


Chris comes at the bright hour of 4:30 am to take Britt on their date.  Carly, still with butterflies in her stomach from their intimacy therapy date, is excited to see him sneak into their room to wake them up.  When he immediately shushes her, however, to surprise Britt, Carly finds fault with the girl where she can.

Carly's got a good point.  Britt's hot pink lipstick is eerily impeccable at 4:30 am.  It looks better than mine looks immediately after applying it.  Naturally, the other girls join in on the Britt hating madness.  Britt said she enjoys being single!  What a horrible thing to say!  She doesn't even shower consistently!  And she gets the date?  Chris is the most confusing man in the world, why does he like a girl that can get ready and look smoking hot in less than five minutes?  We will never understand men!

Meanwhile, Britt and Chris make out in the limo and then go on a sunrise hot air balloon ride while making out.  Next is a visit to Chris's hotel room where they make out and then Chris shuts the doors.  And we are left with only our imaginations.  Ah, ABC, you wily devils, you!

When Britt returns home she tells all the girls of her escapades.  "We took a two hour nap and ordered room service!" she declares triumphantly.  We can't be too sure, but it seems the other girls may be on to her.

Kelsey, meanwhile, is hard at work doing her chess game of strategic dead husband moves.  Britt's date with Chris "presented itself as a threat" and therefore the best time to tell Chris that she is a widow is obviously now.  Two hours before the rose ceremony. Kelsey dolls herself up all fancy and traipses over to Chris's hotel room where he is getting ready for the cocktail party.  Kelsey shares her story, Chris kisses Kelsey, and Kelsey is glowing with certainty that Chris can't send her home now after the dead husband story.  CHECK.  MATE.

It's cocktail party time and Kelsey flaunts in the room with all the confidence in the world.  For someone who had no time with Chris that week, the girls think it weird she be oozing with so much confidence.  When Chris comes into the room he addresses all the women in the room and states that his conversation with Kelsey got him thinking about the importance of life and he needs a little time.  The girls, naturally, are confused as to when Kelsey had said time with Chris.  Kelsey replies with a bunch of wisdom.  Or cliches and nonsense.

"I wanted to protect you guys from that situation!"
"My hands got cold, but my core is warm."
"Every day is a gift."
"Time is so precious."
"Never take life for granted."
"He respects me and my story so much that he's not going to waste our time."

And then, oops, Kelsey lets it slip that she's planning on someone else going home that night, "I'm going to have to say goodbye to one of you tonight."

Chris Harrison delivers a message from Chris Soules that there will be no cocktail party; our bachelor already knows who he is sending home.  Somehow in the confusion Kelsey starts panicking or fake panicking that she might be going home and ends up on the floor yelling.  How we got from point A to point B is very confusing for us all.

In the meantime, Ashley I. has figured out why she may not win the Bachelor after all.

Because no, being a virgin is not nearly as good a "story" as having your husband drop dead on the street.  Sorry, Ash, better luck next time.

ABC must be desperate for ratings because the show ends there- no rose ceremony, no feeling of closure.  We are left to wonder, will Kelsey recover from her panic attack?  Did she make up her "story"? Is it possible for Ashley I. to really be a virgin while simultaneously wearing a dress that shows her butt cheeks?  And will Carly ever find someone to help her with her eyebrows?

So many questions that must be answered!


No comments:

Post a Comment