Welp. I had so much fun last week gossiping about Bachelor with all of you that I just couldn't resist doing another recap tonight. I mean, there can never be too much Bachelor talk, right?
Let's see where did we leave off? Ah, yes. With Kelsey having a self induced panic attack on the floor the night of the rose ceremony. She was seized with fear that she might be going home, and the panic attack was her new best move, second only, of course, to the dead husband card she played earlier in the day. Lying on the floor, she requests that Chris comes to comfort her. When he shows up, everything is better. Kelsey then has a revelation.
Kelsey rejoins the rest of her ladies, who are quickly growing weary of her shenanigans. She, once again, becomes the counselor to the group and explains to them everything that Chris is feeling and experiencing during this journey of love. "The weight of the decision is really hard on him..." yada yada yada. Ashley I. says what everyone is thinking when she asks to a camera man if there is paperwork proving her dead husband story.
There is a rose ceremony. A girl who literally said two words over the series of six weeks (R.I.P. Sam) and the NBA dancer go home. No surprises there.
Good news, girls! You are now headed to the beautiful and exotic land of South Dakota! Bachelor producers must be trying to save a buck- gone are the trips to Europe, Iceland, Hong Kong. Instead it's Mount Rushmore for the win, and don't anyone complain about it! At least we get to see Chris pose naked in an old timey bathtub. That's almost as good as Belgium, right?
Becca gets the first one on one date of the week. Becca is the only girl who (up to this point) has not kissed Chris. Round of applause for Becca please. Standing ovation? No, okay, we're good. Becca might be the most normal person to have ever graced the reality tv set of The Bachelor and to reward us, the producers give us exactly thirty seconds of their day date. Thanks, Bach!
Let's check in on the girls at home and see if they can spruce up a bit for drama for us. Yep! They can! Looks like Whitney and Carly have decided to confront Kelsey about her widow story/ panic attack act from last week. Kelsey handles it the way anyone who is sincere and thoughtful would and tells them the truth about her so called "fakeness."
While then telling the camera something completely different. The girls hate her because they're jealous!
Back on Becca and Chris's date everything appears to be totally normal. They are sitting at a campfire, having a genuine conversation, flirting and laughing. Chris, taking a lesson on eloquence from Kelsey, has some very articulate thoughts about the date.
A rose follows. And a kiss. Becca mentions the one thing I have always wondered about The Bachelor and that is that now her dad has to watch her kissing someone. We feel your pain, Becca. Thanks for being so freaking normal.
Group date time! Britt, Kaitlyn, Jade, Megan, Carly, and Whitney are the lucky ladies to go on a special country western music date. Britt apparently got the wrong memo and has dressed up for an 80s pop concert instead.
The girls write love songs for Chris. Jade freaks out because she has no confidence and a member of the country band says it will definitely help her to run down the street in front of a camera. I mean, if that doesn't loosen her up and make her forget about her self consciousness, I don't know what will anymore! Disturbingly, the run seems to have helped her confidence a bit until she sees Britt and Chris locking lips right in front of everyone to see. Bad call, Chris. Bad call.
Chris sings first. His song is truly horrific.
Then it's the girls' turn! Britt is first up. Chris looks at her like she is the moon and the stars. The other girls each take their turns- Kaitlyn makes a crude reference to her genitals in her song, Carly invites Chris up onstage and sings right into his face (One upped!), and Jade, who thought she would surely die before successfully singing a song to the bachelor, somehow lived to tell the tale! Chris declares he is smitten by all of them and we declare this day date a success!
Oh, but the night is going to get hairy. Chris, in an unprecedented Bachelor move, steals his obvious favorite, Britt, away from the date for OVER AN HOUR to sneak into a concert. I have thus far been a big Chris fan. I don't think he's the smartest guy in the world, but he has always seemed genuine and kind, and I appreciate that in a person. But this was not kind. He was on a group date and he gave lots and lots of special attention to one girl while ignoring the rest of them. Not nice, Chrissy boy.
SHOCKINGLY, the girls are upset when Chris returns an hour later with Britt- her lipstick smeared and the rose in her hand. The tension is thick enough to cut with a knife, and Chris does his best to smooth over the situation.
ABORT. ABORT. QUICKLY, CHRIS. ABORT.
And Chris leaves Britt to fend for herself in a pack of jealous and probably very drunk women. They all start crying. LITERALLY everyone is crying. Well, except Britt. Great end to a great date!
The next day dawns, and Chris is headed out on the infamous two on one date. You know the rules! Two girls, one man. By the end of the day one girl will be sent packing while the other girl wins the rose and Chris's undying love. Our two candidates for the two on one are Ashley and Kelsey. Oh Bachelor producers, you are too good! I couldn't have planned this better if I had written the show myself. You are forgiven for filming the show in South Dakota.
The date card says the girls will be going to the Badlands, to which Kelsey immediately starts cheering. Ashley, though is confused.
The date start off with a chopper ride, one girl on either side of Chris. They fly over Mount Rushmore and Kelsey takes this opportunity to tutor Chris and Ashley on presidential knowledge. Or maybe she's showing off? "Washington, Roosevelt, Jefferson, and Lincoln..." Good job, Kelsey! Here's a cookie!
For this two on one date The Bachelor producers have really out done themselves. They've placed an awkward bed and some pillows flat in the middle of the Badlands. Now have fun on your date, you three crazy love birds!
Ashley, who is appropriately dressed for ninja training, gets the first one on one time with Chris. She makes out with him the same way my high school students make out in the hall- with mouth open as wide as possible. After she gets her smoochy smooch in, she tells Chris point blank that Kelsey is fake and nobody in the house likes her.
Next is Kelsey's turn with Chris while Ashley hangs out by herself on the random bed in the middle of nowhere. Chris, sweet naive innocent beautiful Chris, breaks girl code right away when he asks Kelsey if it's true that she's "fake in the house", like Ashley said. Kelsey tries her best to recover, but is obviously reeling from being "thrown under the bus" and blames her behavior on the difference in maturity between the girls. Chris seems to maybe buy it.
Kelsey leaves Chris to confront Ashley. What follows may be the best scene in all of reality television? Do I have an AMEN?
Kelsey sits down on the bed with Ashley.
Ashley ignores Kelsey.
Kelsey glares at Ashley until Ashley looks over.
Ladies and gentleman, this is how you glare.
And ladies and gentleman, this is how you pretend like you have no idea what's going on.
Let's get a close up on that glare, shall we?
Ashley finally looks over for a quarter of a second and Kelsey pounces. "I know what you did!" Ashley does her best to play dumb. "What did I do?" For the record, Ashley would do very well in a high school setting- she is excellent in avoiding any kind of confrontation and acting like she's oblivious. Congrats, Ashley, you would rock eleventh grade!
Ashley finally speaks, and when she does it is basically pure gibberish.
And then she runs away. Literally runs away into the Badlands. She finds Chris, (who is doing who knows what) cries frantically, and demands to know why he told Kelsey what she told him. Uh, because he's a dude. They don't understand the girl code, Ashley. They work on a much simpler, much more direct system than women do, trust me.
Chris sees the crazy in Ashley and decides to end it immediately. He tries to not hurt her feelings, though, and blames it on the fact that that Iowa just can't support her Kardashian lifestyle.
Ashley cries, runs away before Chris can even finish breaking up with her, then has a sudden change of heart and runs back to Chris and apologizes for letting him see this side of her. She laughs then cries then laughs the cries- a trick very similar to what my six month old baby can do. Chris sticks with his decision to send her home, she gets mad because he didn't give her a second chance and then yells something about "You think BRITT wants that lifestyle?" In other words, she handles it very well.
We think we've seen the end of this date, but Chris throws in a real twist! He goes back to Kelsey, who is waiting patiently on the bed in the middle of the desert, and tells her that she needs to go, too. They're just not jiving. The girls are left out in the desert alone while Chris takes his sweet chopper home by himself. (Anyone remember when Kasey got left on the iceberg in Ali's season? Yes I have watched way too much Bachelor in my lifetime.)
Back home, when the girls see someone come from Kelsey's bag, they are a tad bit excited. I think it's safe to say that Ashley wasn't joking around when she told Chris everyone in the house hated Kelsey.
Let's see where did we leave off? Ah, yes. With Kelsey having a self induced panic attack on the floor the night of the rose ceremony. She was seized with fear that she might be going home, and the panic attack was her new best move, second only, of course, to the dead husband card she played earlier in the day. Lying on the floor, she requests that Chris comes to comfort her. When he shows up, everything is better. Kelsey then has a revelation.
Kelsey rejoins the rest of her ladies, who are quickly growing weary of her shenanigans. She, once again, becomes the counselor to the group and explains to them everything that Chris is feeling and experiencing during this journey of love. "The weight of the decision is really hard on him..." yada yada yada. Ashley I. says what everyone is thinking when she asks to a camera man if there is paperwork proving her dead husband story.
There is a rose ceremony. A girl who literally said two words over the series of six weeks (R.I.P. Sam) and the NBA dancer go home. No surprises there.
Good news, girls! You are now headed to the beautiful and exotic land of South Dakota! Bachelor producers must be trying to save a buck- gone are the trips to Europe, Iceland, Hong Kong. Instead it's Mount Rushmore for the win, and don't anyone complain about it! At least we get to see Chris pose naked in an old timey bathtub. That's almost as good as Belgium, right?
Becca gets the first one on one date of the week. Becca is the only girl who (up to this point) has not kissed Chris. Round of applause for Becca please. Standing ovation? No, okay, we're good. Becca might be the most normal person to have ever graced the reality tv set of The Bachelor and to reward us, the producers give us exactly thirty seconds of their day date. Thanks, Bach!
Let's check in on the girls at home and see if they can spruce up a bit for drama for us. Yep! They can! Looks like Whitney and Carly have decided to confront Kelsey about her widow story/ panic attack act from last week. Kelsey handles it the way anyone who is sincere and thoughtful would and tells them the truth about her so called "fakeness."
While then telling the camera something completely different. The girls hate her because they're jealous!
Back on Becca and Chris's date everything appears to be totally normal. They are sitting at a campfire, having a genuine conversation, flirting and laughing. Chris, taking a lesson on eloquence from Kelsey, has some very articulate thoughts about the date.
A rose follows. And a kiss. Becca mentions the one thing I have always wondered about The Bachelor and that is that now her dad has to watch her kissing someone. We feel your pain, Becca. Thanks for being so freaking normal.
Group date time! Britt, Kaitlyn, Jade, Megan, Carly, and Whitney are the lucky ladies to go on a special country western music date. Britt apparently got the wrong memo and has dressed up for an 80s pop concert instead.
The girls write love songs for Chris. Jade freaks out because she has no confidence and a member of the country band says it will definitely help her to run down the street in front of a camera. I mean, if that doesn't loosen her up and make her forget about her self consciousness, I don't know what will anymore! Disturbingly, the run seems to have helped her confidence a bit until she sees Britt and Chris locking lips right in front of everyone to see. Bad call, Chris. Bad call.
Chris sings first. His song is truly horrific.
Then it's the girls' turn! Britt is first up. Chris looks at her like she is the moon and the stars. The other girls each take their turns- Kaitlyn makes a crude reference to her genitals in her song, Carly invites Chris up onstage and sings right into his face (One upped!), and Jade, who thought she would surely die before successfully singing a song to the bachelor, somehow lived to tell the tale! Chris declares he is smitten by all of them and we declare this day date a success!
Oh, but the night is going to get hairy. Chris, in an unprecedented Bachelor move, steals his obvious favorite, Britt, away from the date for OVER AN HOUR to sneak into a concert. I have thus far been a big Chris fan. I don't think he's the smartest guy in the world, but he has always seemed genuine and kind, and I appreciate that in a person. But this was not kind. He was on a group date and he gave lots and lots of special attention to one girl while ignoring the rest of them. Not nice, Chrissy boy.
SHOCKINGLY, the girls are upset when Chris returns an hour later with Britt- her lipstick smeared and the rose in her hand. The tension is thick enough to cut with a knife, and Chris does his best to smooth over the situation.
ABORT. ABORT. QUICKLY, CHRIS. ABORT.
And Chris leaves Britt to fend for herself in a pack of jealous and probably very drunk women. They all start crying. LITERALLY everyone is crying. Well, except Britt. Great end to a great date!
The next day dawns, and Chris is headed out on the infamous two on one date. You know the rules! Two girls, one man. By the end of the day one girl will be sent packing while the other girl wins the rose and Chris's undying love. Our two candidates for the two on one are Ashley and Kelsey. Oh Bachelor producers, you are too good! I couldn't have planned this better if I had written the show myself. You are forgiven for filming the show in South Dakota.
The date card says the girls will be going to the Badlands, to which Kelsey immediately starts cheering. Ashley, though is confused.
The date start off with a chopper ride, one girl on either side of Chris. They fly over Mount Rushmore and Kelsey takes this opportunity to tutor Chris and Ashley on presidential knowledge. Or maybe she's showing off? "Washington, Roosevelt, Jefferson, and Lincoln..." Good job, Kelsey! Here's a cookie!
For this two on one date The Bachelor producers have really out done themselves. They've placed an awkward bed and some pillows flat in the middle of the Badlands. Now have fun on your date, you three crazy love birds!
Ashley, who is appropriately dressed for ninja training, gets the first one on one time with Chris. She makes out with him the same way my high school students make out in the hall- with mouth open as wide as possible. After she gets her smoochy smooch in, she tells Chris point blank that Kelsey is fake and nobody in the house likes her.
Next is Kelsey's turn with Chris while Ashley hangs out by herself on the random bed in the middle of nowhere. Chris, sweet naive innocent beautiful Chris, breaks girl code right away when he asks Kelsey if it's true that she's "fake in the house", like Ashley said. Kelsey tries her best to recover, but is obviously reeling from being "thrown under the bus" and blames her behavior on the difference in maturity between the girls. Chris seems to maybe buy it.
Kelsey leaves Chris to confront Ashley. What follows may be the best scene in all of reality television? Do I have an AMEN?
Kelsey sits down on the bed with Ashley.
Ashley ignores Kelsey.
Kelsey glares at Ashley until Ashley looks over.
Ladies and gentleman, this is how you glare.
And ladies and gentleman, this is how you pretend like you have no idea what's going on.
Let's get a close up on that glare, shall we?
Ashley finally looks over for a quarter of a second and Kelsey pounces. "I know what you did!" Ashley does her best to play dumb. "What did I do?" For the record, Ashley would do very well in a high school setting- she is excellent in avoiding any kind of confrontation and acting like she's oblivious. Congrats, Ashley, you would rock eleventh grade!
Ashley finally speaks, and when she does it is basically pure gibberish.
And then she runs away. Literally runs away into the Badlands. She finds Chris, (who is doing who knows what) cries frantically, and demands to know why he told Kelsey what she told him. Uh, because he's a dude. They don't understand the girl code, Ashley. They work on a much simpler, much more direct system than women do, trust me.
Chris sees the crazy in Ashley and decides to end it immediately. He tries to not hurt her feelings, though, and blames it on the fact that that Iowa just can't support her Kardashian lifestyle.
Ashley cries, runs away before Chris can even finish breaking up with her, then has a sudden change of heart and runs back to Chris and apologizes for letting him see this side of her. She laughs then cries then laughs the cries- a trick very similar to what my six month old baby can do. Chris sticks with his decision to send her home, she gets mad because he didn't give her a second chance and then yells something about "You think BRITT wants that lifestyle?" In other words, she handles it very well.
We think we've seen the end of this date, but Chris throws in a real twist! He goes back to Kelsey, who is waiting patiently on the bed in the middle of the desert, and tells her that she needs to go, too. They're just not jiving. The girls are left out in the desert alone while Chris takes his sweet chopper home by himself. (Anyone remember when Kasey got left on the iceberg in Ali's season? Yes I have watched way too much Bachelor in my lifetime.)
Back home, when the girls see someone come from Kelsey's bag, they are a tad bit excited. I think it's safe to say that Ashley wasn't joking around when she told Chris everyone in the house hated Kelsey.
And that's a wrap! There's no rose ceremony this week and we are promised that next week will be very exciting when we head on out of South Dakota and embark for the sensuous land of Iowa. Sweet mercy, those contestants got robbed this season.
OTHER THINGS I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT:
- Becca has the most perfect hair ever.
- Why is Britt hanging out on the balcony in her bra and baggy pants that ride up her butt?
- I am clueless as to how Megan has lasted this long. Megan who? Exactly.
- My top four predictions are: Britt, Whitney, Becca, Kaitlyn.
- My predicted winner: Whitney.
- Predicted next Bachelorette: Becca?
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