Should kids see their parents fighting?

I ain't got no kids.  But someday I might.  And sometimes Greg and I lie down in the bed at night and talk about everything the future holds.  Are we going to be good parents?  Are we going to be able to provide for ourselves?  Are all of our kids going to come out as pale freckly ginger freaks?  (Hey!  The odds are in their favor!)

Last night we had a conversation about how one day we'd be parents and one day we'd have to make tough calls with our children and we might want to parent differently and how in the world do you raise a teenager?

And do you know what I got to thinking?

How about fights? (I guess I like to talk about fighting in marriage!)  Is it okay to argue/discuss/disagree in front of children?  In my home when my parents were having a disagreement they went into another room, or else sent us kids downstairs.  I'll be the first to admit that I sat on the stairs and listened to their arguments.  I wanted to know how it worked.  Why was dad frustrated?  Why was mom crying?  What was going on here and why couldn't I listen to it?

A month or so ago I read something that said parents shouldn't argue in front of their kids.  And I guess that thought has just been mulling around up in my head ever since.  Then tonight I read another article that said that when parents argue in front of kids it can cause the kids to have unhealthy future relationships.

So I got to thinking about it all.

And you know what I think?

I think that's crap.

Of course I don't want to be at Greg's throat all the time with little kids around, and no one wants parents who can't stop bickering.  But I think kids can see the way their parents argue and learn from it.  I think a positive role model of how to work through disagreements is not only okay, but preferable.

My parents always worked out their issues behind closed doors.  It didn't even dawn on me until I was married that they had big issues.  Of course they do.  Every couple does.  But I honestly did not know this until I was married myself.

The first few months of marriage I was overwhelmed.  I couldn't cook to save my life, Greg and I both had crazy expectations, and it seemed like we were disappointing each other over and over.  Neither of us wanted to make the other one upset, but it was like we just couldn't help it, we kept not coming through for the other one.

I felt almost guilty for these disagreements.  Like we weren't a perfect enough couple or in love enough because there were suddenly so many things we needed to work through.  I've mentioned before that early on in our marriage I thought every fight meant we were getting divorced.  I honestly started to wonder if we weren't going to make it because we had fights.  I didn't realize that this is normal.  No other couples talked about their arguments.  My newly married friends never admitted to me that they argued (Of course not, every relationship is perfect!)  And I didn't see my parents work through their disagreements.  In fact, the only thing that helped me was knowing that my brother and his wife had also had a hard time adjusting to marriage.  That was the sole thing that let me know that maybe Greg and I weren't freaks, maybe we weren't mismatched, maybe it was just a natural getting married and moving in together and learning how to make all your decisions together stage.  I wonder if I had watched my parents/ siblings/ friends/ neighbors work through disagreements if I would have been more comfortable in my own marriage those first months.  If I would have had more confidence and security knowing that surely every couple has to figure out how to work through problems together?

Maybe I'm way off base here, but I'd love your opinion on the matter.  Do you have arguments in front of your kids or do you take them to another room?  Did your parents argue in front of you?  And please, someone, can't you just give us all the right answers already?

(excerpts of this originally published January 2013)

To fight in front of the wee ones?!?

I ain't got no kids.  But someday I might.  And sometimes Hubs and I lie down in the bed at night and talk about everything the future holds.  Are we going to be good parents?  Are we going to be able to provide for ourselves?  Are all of our kids going to come out as pale freckly ginger freaks?  (Hey!  The odds are in their favor!)

Last night we had a conversation about how one day we'd be parents and one day we'd have to make tough calls with our children and we might want to parent differently and how in the world do you raise a teenager?

And do you know what I got to thinking?

How about fights? (I guess I like talk about fighting in marriage!)  Is it okay to argue/discuss/disagree in front of children?  In my home when my parents were having a disagreement they went into another room, or else sent us kids downstairs.  I'll be the first to admit that I sat on the stairs and listened to their arguments.  I wanted to know how it worked.  Why was dad frustrated?  Why was mom crying?  What was going on here and why couldn't I listen to it?

A month or so ago I read something that said parents shouldn't argue in front of their kids.  And I guess that thought has just been mulling around up in my head ever since.  Then tonight I read another article that said that when parents argue in front of kids it can cause the kids to have unhealthy future relationships.

So I got to thinking about it all.

And you know what I think?

I think that's crap.

Of course I don't want to be at Greg's throat all the time with little kids around, and no one wants parents who can't stop bickering.  But I think kids can see the way their parents argue and learn from it.  I think a positive role model of how to work through disagreements is not only okay, but preferable.

My parents always worked out their issues behind closed doors.  It didn't even dawn on me until I was married that they had big issues.  Of course they do.  Every couple does.  But I honestly did not know this until I was married myself.

The first few months of marriage I was overwhelmed.  I couldn't cook to save my life, Greg and I both had crazy expectations, and it seemed like we were disappointing each other over and over.  Neither of us wanted to make the other one upset, but it was like we just couldn't help it, we kept not coming through for the other one.

I felt almost guilty for these disagreements.  Like we weren't a perfect enough couple or in love enough because there were suddenly so many things we needed to work through.  I've mentioned before that early on in our marriage I thought every fight meant we were getting divorced.  I honestly started to wonder if we weren't going to make it because we had fights.  I didn't realize that this is normal.  No other couples talked about their arguments.  My newly married friends never admitted to me that they argued (Of course not, every relationship is perfect!)  And I never saw my parents work through their disagreements.  In fact, the only thing that helped me was knowing that my brother and his wife had also had a hard time adjusting to marriage.  That was the sole thing that let me know that maybe Greg and I weren't freaks, maybe we weren't mismatched, maybe it was just a natural getting married and moving in together and learning how to make all your decisions together stage.  I wonder if I had watched my parents/ siblings/ friends/ neighbors work through disagreements if I would have been more comfortable in my own marriage those first months.  If I would have had more confidence and security knowing that surely every couple has to figure out how to work through problems together?

So what do you think?  Do you have arguments in front of your kids or do you take them to another room?  Would you argue in front of your kids?  Did your parents argue in front of me?  Please, someone, can't you just give us all the right answers already?  

Marriage: The good, the bad, and the fighting.

I would always like to know a lot more about people's lives than they are willing to let on.

Some might say I'm a busy body.
I say I have a genuine interest in people.

I'm especially interested in marriage.  And other people's marriages.  And how everybody in this great, big world make their marriages work.  Marriage is one of those things that I almost feel like people won't talk about very in depth.  Oh, don't get me wrong, people will talk about marriage, but it's always in these broad sweeping overstatements like "It just wasn't working out,"  or "We definitely have issues we don't see eye to eye on,"  or "Our marriage doesn't come easy, but we make it work."  In terms of specifics, what does any of that even mean?  And why don't people who have been married for years and years give more specific advice to us newbies in the field?

One thing I wonder about a lot is how other couples deal with disagreements.  In other words, fighting.  Do Hubs and I argue more than the average couple?  Less?  We definitely go through patches where it seems like we argue about anything and everything, and then there are patches where we live peacefully week after week after week, floating in a state of seemingly endless bliss.  Do all couples follow a pattern like this or is it just us?

Right now I am making a conscious effort to "bicker" less with Hubs.  You know, to stop picking fights with the boy.  Growing up, my siblings used to tell me that I just liked to argue, it didn't matter what the issue was, I would fight it to the death.  Of course I didn't believe them, they were all morons in my book, but as I have grown and married I have wondered if this is true.  How many times does it even matter what I am arguing and how many times am I arguing for the sake of arguing?  Or for the sake of being right?

I was recently at a bridal shower where we played "Family Feud" bridal style.  One of the questions was "What are some of the biggest things married couples fight about?"  and then the top four answers were listed.  Can you guess what they are?  (Answers revealed tomorrow!)

What do YOU and your significant other fight most about?  Do tell.  Do tell.

P.S.  I'm opening up anonymous comments on this, just for the sake of truthful commenting.  Post anonymously if you want or post as yourself, whatever floats your boat, people!

P.P.S.  I have one large spot and two medium spots left for sponsorship in December.  Email me at lifeofbon@gmail.com if you are interested.  (Sponsor info here)

P.P.P.S.  Happy Monday back from Thanksgiving.  Blah.  Double blah.