The Life of Bon: On 2015: An Essay

Thursday, December 31, 2015

On 2015: An Essay

Before we do anything else I must tell you that plans for Bon's Book Club 2016 are well underway. We will be voting on the majority of our book selections next week, but I couldn't quite get my shiz together in time so I just chose our book for January because you get to do that when you're running your book club.  Empowering!

January's book selection is These is My Words by Nancy Turner.  It is one of my top 15 favorite books of all time and I think a great book to ring in the new year.  It has a very strong female lead who is funny, likeable, strong and crazy tough- all the stuff I love in my women and in my books.  I am really confident that you will all like it.  I've literally never met a person who read this book who didn't like it.  The book club discussion will go down on this blog on Thursday January 28 and Danica will be co-hosting it with me in her true Jedi knight fashion.

AND I am adding a new element to Bon's Book Club... an in real life meet up for those of you who are local.  I like the internet and all, but the truth is I like real life people a lot more.  I'm excited to expand my internet book club to my living room.  I think the two will really like each other.  Our IRL book club discussion will be on Tuesday January 26 at my home.  That'll give everybody a day or two to write their post for the 28th.  And there will be food.  Of course there will be food.  If you live somewhat locally please come and join us!  I will give more details as the date gets closer.

And now... let's talk about 2015!

Instagram has the virtue of making your life look a lot easier than it actually is.

I've never really liked New Year's.   I think it boils down to an experience I had at 13 years old to a boy/girl dance and not one boy asked me to dance.  I was totally bummed and when my dad asked me the next morning how it went I almost cried because I felt like such an ugly pathetic loser.  He told me, "Ah, New Year's is always kind of a let down.  It's a dumb holiday."  That somehow made me feel a lot better that someone else had been let down by New Year's Eve before.  Ever since then I have allowed New Years' to be a throw away holiday.  I never have expectations, I never care if I do anything fun, and I never look forward to it at all.

But this year I'm looking forward to New Year's.

I have never been so anxious in my life to be done with a year.  I have tried to be honest on this blog about what we've been going through in my home while still maintaining the privacy and protection of my family.  Some details will never be shared, but all you need to know is 2015 beat us up, kicked us around, and left us for dead on the side of the road.  We left jobs, we struggled with doubts and fears, we battled depression, we worried constantly about our financial, emotional, spiritual and marital stability.  Sometimes it felt like Greg and I were on the same team, sometimes it didn't.  I kept thinking it would get better and then it got harder.  It was a stupid hard 12 months and I have never been more ready to be done with a year.


2015 taught me more than any other year ever has.  I haven't learned or grown this much since the years I was on my mission and those were also stupid hard years.  I need to get it in my head that hard is not necessarily the opposite of good nor is it the opposite of happy. (Ask any new mom that one!)  Some of the best things in my life have come as a result of really hard circumstances  The year was hard, but I like the person that this year made me.  I know not all of you are religious and that's okay but when I was getting ready to go on my mission a speaker spoke to a group of  several hundred missionaries about the Old Testament story of Isaac and Abraham.  You know- God makes Abraham wait for decades for a child, Abraham finally has Isaac when he's 100 or so years old, God then asks Abraham to sacrifice Isaac for Him.  Abraham struggles greatly, but is willing to do it.  An angel stops him right before he is about to kill Isaac and says it was a test from the Lord and the Lord doesn't really expect Abraham to do that.  It was always a pretty tough story for me to hear and understand.  But the speaker emphasized that the point of the sacrifice wasn't at all to show Abraham's willingness/obedience/strength to the Lord.  The Lord already knew that.  The purpose of the test was to show Abraham to Abraham.  The Lord already knew what Abraham could do, where Abraham's heart was, what Abraham's strengths were.  But Abraham didn't know that yet.

I've thought about that a lot the past few days as 2015 is winding down.  Why did I have to live through 2015 with all its accompanying suckiness?   I think God wanted to show Bonnie to Bonnie.  I think He needed me to know what I could handle and what I was capable of.  He needed me to know my strengths, to be more aware of my weaknesses, to just be a more aware and better person overall.  I think regardless of your spiritual beliefs, we can agree that there are times that test our spirits, that stretch us, that make us grow, that turn us into the people we need to become.  2015 was one of those years for me.

I look back to the person I was when this year started and the good news is I like the Bonnie at the end of the year better.  I made mistakes and I have a lot of regrets this year.   But I hope I have learned from all the crap of the year. I think I might be a little softer, more aware of others' pain, hopefully kinder.  Don't get me wrong, I still am not thrilled with myself all the time, but 2015 taught me some tough lessons that I needed about the kind of person I want to be from here on out. I am trying for love and patience and kindness above all else.

So bring on 2016!   I'm ready for peace, laughter, and lots and lots of slobbery baby kisses.

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