The Life of Bon: A Letter to Ben H. from June: (A guest post by Greg)

As an early Christmas present to all readers, I have decided to give you another guest post. Yes, this is I, the man behind the curtains. The shadow behind the giant. The afterbirth behind the… yeah that one doesn’t work.

Yes it is Greg (the husband). You may have read my last guest post, and I’m sure it might have left you confused, maybe disgusted, probably a little seduced. Well prepare yourself for this next one!

As always (always being one time) I shall be writing a Bachelor related post. Recently the female contestants for the upcoming season of The Bachelor have been announced. To be honest no one is good enough for Ben H. The man is like Hercules. No mortal can be with Hercules! Disney tried, but Meg was never good enough for him and she’s only going to hold him back from achieving his rightful deity and plus she tricked him into fighting the hydra. Sorry, little bit of a tangent. But the world isn’t Disney! The world is reality T.V!

This has really left me wondering if anyone has a chance to be with Ben H. I went through all the great possibilities in my head. Jennifer Lawrence, Lady Gaga, The Pope, Kate Middleton if she got a divorce… Nothing seemed to fit. But then it came to me! The answer was inside of me! Literally from inside of me, my own flesh and blood… Yes! My daughter, June!

June has been cursed with my red hair, but maybe she was gifted with my supreme understanding and respect for Ben H. I talked with June about this whole situation, and she has agreed to send a petition to Ben H in order to be considered. I had to do some translating to make it work. It’s mostly the pros and cons of being together with her. I hope you all agree that she would be a perfect fit.

Dear Ben,

Firstly, I would like to apologize if my dad has come off a little too strong. Strong being the emails, invitations to dinner, animal sacrifices to you etc. I want you to know that there are no weird intentions from him, and that he is loyal to my mom on a near serial killer/psychotic level.

My name is June. I am 17 months old. I have fiery red hair and an attitude to match it. I want to tell you some pros to choosing me as a contestant on your show.

I am very easy to entertain. I still think peekaboo is absolutely hilarious (where did you go!?) it gets me every time.

- I’ve become very independent and won’t be one of those needy girlfriends. If you litter the room with toys, I am totally fine for up to ten minutes playing all by myself.

- I think farts are funny. So you can let them fly.

- I am a very good listener, especially if you read me stories. (Something with pictures please).

- I am an animal person. Except sometimes I accidentally hurt them so they need to be durable.

- I’m not picky with food. But you do have to cut it up and don’t ever try to feed me!

- I love movies. My favorite is Curious George; that monkey is freaking hysterical.

- I am a morning person. Sometimes even a middle of the night person. Sheesh, sometimes I never sleep at all!

Now, I know you might be in love with me already. But I have to admit that I do have some flaws. Please be patient and understanding.

- I have a little bit of a temper. And I will throw things. I won’t throw them far, but dang it, I will throw them!

- I laugh at my own jokes. Farts are considered jokes right?

- There is a 50% chance that I will poo my pants during our date, and a 100% chance that you will have to clean it up.

- I will get very cranky around 7 and I should go to bed. But If we keep me up, I will bounce back around 9. But then there’s little hope of me going to bed ever, so, well, just be prepared to hang with me all night.

- I don’t know how to clean up after myself. I just don’t understand the purpose.

- If I see a dog during mid-conversation I will scream out “DOG!” even if you are in the middle of a beautiful story. This has offended people in the past.

- You might have to hold my hand during walks. Not because it is romantic, but because I will fall down otherwise.

- I don’t know how to give hugs. I choose head butts instead.

- I will use your toilet a lot. Not to go to the bathroom in, but to fill it with toilet paper, jewelry, hair bows etc.

I am sorry to say that I haven't quite mastered how to kiss yet. I will come in really strong but finish weak with a sloppy, spitty, and sometimes even boogery kiss. I try to hit the mouth but a lot of times I miss entirely and just nail the lower chin instead.

- My teeth look a little like Gollum. I'm sorry, but I really have no control over this.