The Life of Bon: Bachelor Recap: Week 6. In which there are pigs

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Bachelor Recap: Week 6. In which there are pigs

I can hardly wait to write this bachelor recap.  My fingers are dying to get on the keyboard to just hammer this thing out.  So much to talk about!

We start off the week with our cliffhanger from last week.  Ben has asked to talk to Olivia right before the rose ceremony.  SHOCK!  Will he take her rose away and send her home on the spot?  One can dream!

Ben asks Olivia if the rumors he's been hearing our true that she's basically a total b*tch.  In typical Bachelor contestant style, she claims the problem is them- not her.  She doesn't fit in with the other girls because "I like reading in my room and thinking" while the other girls are so simple to enjoy something totally stupid like painting their nails.

I mean, I think we all like to sit around and think, right?

It works for now and Ben lets her stay.  He sends Jennifer home which forces us to consider "Who's Jennifer?"

Now, on to this week's dates!  The girls are headed to the Bahamas.  Wahoo!


Caila gets the first one on one date which is a total shock to everyone because GASP she already had a one on one date!  Doesn't Ben know that every girl is supposed to get her turn before the dates start over?  Leah, who has only had group dates up until this point, is especially mad.  She unleashes a potty mouth the likes of which we've never seen on the Bachelor before.  While Caila is catching the biggest fish known to man on her date with Ben (and no, that fish is not Ben) (and yes she literally was catching the biggest fish ever) (and that seriously looks like the coolest thing ever I want to do it too!) it cuts to Leah crying because she hasn't had one on one time yet.  Caila and Ben kiss, Leah cries.  You gotta give the Bachelor editing team credit, they sure know how to spin a sad story.

At dinner Ben asks Caila to open up and be vulnerable with him and she replies that she's not ready yet and then starts throwing out the craziest Bachelor convo I have ever seen.  She says she doesn't know what to do because she's afraid she's going to break Ben's heart but that she thinks she loves him but that "It feels like I'm going to hurt you."  It is all absolutely insane. Ben LOVES it and gives Caila the rose.  Whoever said men weren't complicated never saw a date like this one before.

Back home the date card has arrived for the group date.  The girls notice only two names are left off- Olivia and Emily.  This means Olivia and Emily will go on the infamous two on one date.  Olivia, in classic confident fashion, is not scared of her competition"

"She's young.  She's like a bird.  I don't even give a f***."

Now would be a good time to note that Olivia and Emily are the same age- a ripe old 23.


Really, this is the greatest thing about this entire episode, probably the entire season, and maybe even the entire history of Bachelor watching.  Instead of just swimming or sailing as they often do on their dates, the girls are to feed hot dogs to pigs who are swimming at the beach.  HOT DOGS TO PIGS.  I hope you see the irony.

I've never seen anything like this on Bachelor history and really I could not be more pleased.  It is an absolute hot mess.  At first when I saw the preview and all the girls were screaming I was like, "Oh, come on girls, get a grip."  Then I saw the real thing and I tell you, I'd be screaming too!  The pigs are super aggressive and are pretty much bowling over the women to get themselves a piece of hot dog.  They are huge pigs who could easily knock a girl out and will stop at nothing for a little piece of that weenie dog.  It's pure madness I tell you.  Pigs chasing women at full speed for a piece of meat. The Bachelor producers have really rewarded us this time!  Jojo put it best:

"It's like a bar in Dallas.  There are pigs everywhere."

Don't go to bars in Dallas:  duly noted.

Leah is still butt hurt because she didn't get a one on one date and is having a hard time making the best of the date.  Lauren H. encourages her to talk to Ben about it and when she does Ben basically says "deal with it" but in nicer terms.  He asks her to make the best of the time she does have with him and later she laments that now everything is worse than before.  Either tons of that conversation got edited out or I just truly do not understand Leah.

That night Ben realizes he may have effed up by giving so much individual attention to Lauren B. earlier in the day.  Everyone can tell that Ben likes Lauren the most and it hurts their feelings.  So to make up for it, Ben spends his night time telling every single girl how much he likes her.  This can't possibly backfire on him.

Leah has decided to follow Ben's advice of "making the best of the time she has with Ben" by telling him that Lauren B. is not the best girl for him.  During their one on one time she states that there is one person  who acts very differently around him than the girls in the house and who she really doesn't think he should be in to...

"I don't want to say any names, but... Lauren B."

NOW.  Greg and I watched this part over and over (because this is the kind of people we are.  We have no dignity.)  and I can say with certainty that the Lauren B. part was dubbed over.  It doesn't show Leah's mouth when she is saying it so maybe she didn't really say Lauren's name.  In any case, it's a pretty stupid move and bachelor girls never learn.  Bachelor Lessons 101- the best way to win a man's heart is by constantly talking trash about all the women around you.  Oh wait.  That never works.

Ben is frustrated and has time with Lauren B. next.  Lauren B. is super vanilla and super boring, I have said that from the get go.  BUT I don't think she's a mean or manipulative or dishonest person as Leah would have us believe.  Lauren B. is super confused when Ben asks her about it, the whole night is weird.

When all the girls are together again Lauren is in tears.  Leah asks "oh, what happened?  You're sad?  I can't possibly imagine why!" and we all agree that she's the worst.  Maybe just as bad as Olivia?  Leah lies outright and says she didn't say anything to Ben.  The girls seem to see through her lie.

Group date ends and I can't even remember who got the rose- it all seems to be overshadowed by the Leah-Lauren B. debacle.  Back at the house, Amanda, Emily and Lauren try to figure out who would have ratted on Lauren.  Leah, meanwhile, is crying a lot because she has lost her chance with Ben.  She rallies energy to give it one more honest effort.  She decides to go over to Ben's house to bond with him and work on their relationship.  Or to talk more trash on Lauren.  Whatever.  Either way it's bound to secure Ben's heart.

Ben seems genuinely excited that Leah has made the effort to come over.  He pours her a drink, sits down comfortably with her on the couch, and she doesn't waste any time getting right to the reason why she came over.  Lauren B.

Is anyone else as confused as I am on Leah's strategy?  I just don't get these girls sometimes.  I swear it is not that hard to get a guy to like you.  Flirt.  Be sweet.  Laugh when they say funny or clever things.  Tell them they look good. Don't talk about other girls.

The plan totally backfires and Ben sends Leah home right there on the spot.  Wow.  Harsh, Ben, but I respect it.


The girls are shown preparing for their date.  Olivia is excited as can be because to her it's just a "one on one date".  It does not occur to her at all that Ben might not feel as strongly for her as she does for him.  I mean, she could at least act a little frustrated that she's getting a 2-on-1, but that's not Olivia's style.  Emily certainly doesn't hide her fear.

The two on one date finds us on a boat and then on the beach.  Olivia is certain they have a strong love that others have never even dreamed of.

"What I feel for Ben is all consuming, ever present love."

In other words, she's totally delusional.

Olivia claims her focus is always on Ben.  And by Ben, she clearly means herself.  Any time they have alone time together, Olivia talks about herself.  Like when she tells Ben that she is a deep, intellectual human being who is well grounded.  If that doesn't make him fall head over heels in love with her, what will people?  WHAT WILL?

Emily tells Ben that she likes him a lot and wants to see where their relationship will go.  Wisely, she does not spend the bulk of her time trashing on Olivia.  I guess she thinks Ben can figure out that mess out on his own.

Ben takes the rose and then takes Olivia away from Emily to tell Olivia that she is going home.  Naturally we are all left to wonder why Ben took that rose with him.  Producers.  Producers. Producers. Bachelor producers are the worst, that's all you need to know.  Ben goes back and gives Emily the rose while Olivia watches on from the distance.  I don't like Olivia at all, but it's a little painful even for me.  Why are the producers such horrible people?  Because they are here to make great television, and that's the truth.


Ben gives a giant "I am tired of all of your nonsense" to the girls when he decides to cancel the rose ceremony.  Lauren H. gets the boot, which is a little surprising, but not shocking.  All the girls at this point (except for Emily) are pretty strong contenders.

At this point I am rooting for Amanda to win and Jojo to be the next Bachelor.  I do think Jojo is the most aware of other people's feelings.  At one point she says "I'm excited to see Ben so I can validate him" not "I'm excited to see Ben so he can validate me."  To me that's a key difference as most Bachelor women seem constantly obsessed with being validated by the lead of the show.  Jojo seems to get that it's not all about her which would make a great Bachelorette.  She's the only one of the bunch who has the personality and the toughness to be a Bachelorette imho.

I want Amanda to win because she's adorable and has two little girls and I am such a sucker for that.  I am still thinking that Lauren wins which is disappointing considering her total boringness, but whatever, I'm pretty much resigned to it now.  Caila used to be my favorite but she's now my least favorite due to her stupid mind games/ "I-love-you-but-feel-like-I'm-going-to-hurt-you" nonsense.


1.  Lauren B.
2.  Amanda
3.  Jojo
4.  Becca
5.  Caila

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