The Life of Bon: Bachelor Recap Week 7: ALL THE CRAZIES ARE GONE AND NOW IT'S BORING

Thursday, February 18, 2016


Listen, guys.   I know it's Thursday already, and The Bachelor was on Monday night and somehow three long days have already passed.  And I know that maybe you don't even care about The Bachelor from three nights ago.  If you're like me, your attention span doesn't allow much for waiting three days for recaps of reality tv.  Because of that, I wasn't going to write this post. I was just gonna skip the whole thing.  To start with, the episode wasn't even that interesting because all the crazy, interesting people to watch (RIP Olivia) have left us.  But last night I decided to snap a few thoughts about The Bachelor and then suddenly I had so much to say I just couldn't do not do this post. So here it is. Your 3 day old Bachelor Post.  I hate being so opinionated about such really important things like REALITY TV.

The first date of the week is Lauren. No surprise there. I just cannot hop on the Lauren train. She is so boring to me. I absolutely adore The Bachelor and watch it with the fervor of a thousand suns, but when she's on I just tune out and start looking at jewelry parts online.  Jewelry parts! I start doing work! That's how boring Lauren is. 

Half court Ronnie.  Left hand side.  Royal blue shirt.  HE IS EVERYTHING.

The one highlight of the date of course, is half shot Ronnie. Where did they find him? And how do we get him his own television show?

Although I think Lauren is super boring, I do love that they played basketball with these kids.  I have to say Ben's choice of dates (or the producers choices on his season) have been MUCH better than the dates on Kaityln's season.  Must we remember the sumo wrestling where the men were all wearing diapers?  Please have some respect for us, Kaitlyn!

After Lauren's date Jojo has a date which, I have to say, I was pretty tuned out on that one as well even though I do love Jojo. This is the time of The Bachelor that is hard for me to watch.  When it's down to five or six girls whom the bachelor all actually likes. It's just not fun anymore. It's more painful and sad. And then I just start missing my amazing cankles side plot. 

Let's see... after JoJo's date we have the last group date of the season which is always super awkward with just three girls-- Caila, Becca and Amanda.  Also they don't really do anything-- just go sit in a gazebo in the middle of a big field of grass.  (Field?)  Ever since her little mind games with Ben, Caila has driven me nuts and I've been ready for her to go home.  What is with her "I am moss, you are a tree" metaphor?  

I also am not crazy about Becca. I liked her a lot on Chris's season, and I do still like her, but it's like, come on woman, doesn't anything ever upset you? Excite you? Don't you ever want to scream with joy or anger? We did see her cry after Amanda got the group rose and that was quite the feat.  First emotion I've seen on her in two full seasons! 

Amanda gets the group date rose and gets more time with Ben  I think Ben really likes Amanda.  He was all about sharing that french fry at McDonald's with her. Also... "I've always wanted to go behind the counter of McDonald's?"  Then get a job there! That's the way to go behind the counter a lot!  I also thought it was super weird when they went to a state fair and millions of people just follow them around. I guess it is all about their bachelor nation fanbase, but how awkward is that for a real date? I'm a people person and for me that even sounds horrific.  I'm sure Amanda was thinking, "Uh... can we just go somewhere alone to make out?"

The last one on one date of the episode goes to Emily.  Oh sweet young naive innocent brave emotional beautiful crazy black eyeliner Emily.  For the record I really like Emily. I love how she stood up against Olivia, and I love how she played the goalie in soccer. I think she's funny and seems like a blast to hang out around. BUT. I have to wonder what Ben was thinking taking her of all people to meet his parents. I mean we're all thinking that right? You have five amazing beautiful mature strong women and you're going to go with a slightly crazy twin from Las Vegas?  "Look at mom and dad! This whole thing has been worth it!" 

For Emily she was sunk before it she started.  The second she got alone with that mom her mouth just erupted into a violent passion of useless nonsensical information. I am super young! But that doesn't mean I'm not ready for marriage! But I also really want to be an NFL cheerleader! I could watch movies all day long!  And I hate vegetables exclamation exclamation exclamation. I mean she would have been fine if she could have just taken it down a notch. Just stop talking!!  Also, I love how close she is to her sister. I love it when people have really close family bonds and make that a priority. But I do think it's super weird that she's never been without her twin. She never had a job without her? Never going to school without her? Never have any friends with her? That's way too co-dependent for me, and I would guess it would be a pretty big red flag for any suitor.

 And it is. For Ben at least.  That's why it's not a surprise when he takes her off on his private boat from his private dock and delivers her back to the house with the girls.   Ben says goodbye.  And Emily doesn't seem too heartbroken.  I mean, she's sad of course because she's supposed to be.... but homegirl will be just fine. After all she has an NFL cheerleading career to get ready for. All the girls start bawling hysterically when they find out Emily is going home.  This remains the most interesting part of the whole episode?  Why so sad?  Why so many tears?  Turns out Emily is just a really fun person to have around!

There is no cocktail party this episode nobody knows why. Becca gets the boot. Everybody is shocked.  Well... we'reshocked that she's going home this soon but not shocked that she didn't win. At this point I feel pretty sure that Lauren is got first place on lockdown. But who knows? I hope I'm wrong!  Anyway Becca is upset and laments on the way home that her relationships keep not working out. My suggestion to you, gorgeous Becca. Try to find your next boyfriend somewhere other than a reality tv show where one girl out of the 25 wins. Statistically your odds are much better.

And that's a wrap!  Are you all excited for hometowns or what?  Looks like it's going to be LOTS OF DRAMA!!!

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