The Life of Bon: Bachelor Recap: Episode 5

Wednesday, February 03, 2016

Bachelor Recap: Episode 5

It's bachelor recap time folks!  We watched the episode a day late, hence the late recap.  I could pretend like I had really exciting things going on Monday night but at this point I have no dignity when it comes to the amount of tv I'm watching this winter so just know that I missed The Bachelor to watch the Jazz game.  You know.  Hierarchy of tv.  Jazz won in overtime to the Bulls, by the way, so it was totally waiting until Tuesday to watch Bachelor.


The week starts off with a one on on with Amanda!  Holler!  Ben comes to wake her up at the inhumane hour of 4:30 am and she perks up like a perfect wild flower just waiting for the sun to shine its face.  How does she look so cute at 4:30 am?  It's a question worth thinking about but the answer is pretty simple.  If you were on a reality tv show and had cameras rolling in the house all day and at any given time during the night wouldn't you always do your makeup and make sure you look super hot?  Amanda probably did her hair and makeup before she went to bed and that's how you win The Bachelor, folks!

Um Lauren H wins the award for cutest with her retainer.  Hey, ain't nothing wrong with a little retainer love, girl!

The date with Amanda is mostly boring.  Things I learned from their date:

1.  I want to ride in a hot air balloon
2.  That's all I learned.

I actually really appreciated their dinner date where Amanda opened up to Ben about her previous marriage.  I always wonder what exes of these people think when the contestants are airing all the dirty laundry from their relationship.  Do they feel like they've been misrepresented?  Are they angry?  So many questions!  Speak up, ex husband of Amanda!

In any case I really really like Amanda.  She seems very genuine and I always appreciate someone who's got some strength.  I hope Ben picks her, but I do think two little girls is a huge commitment when you've got plenty of options that don't involve such a huge commitment.  Who knows?


Next up we've got the group date!  The girls learn a phrase or two of Spanish (They're in Mexico City) and then start cooking.  Olivia nabs Ben for her partner, por supuesto, and all the other girls are left fuming.  Here's my take:

1.  Ben should not be allowed to be someone's partner.  He should visit and help all the groups.
2.  If Ben must be someone's partner then they should have had everyone think of a number and the number closest to his nuber gets to be his partner.  You know.  Something a little more fair than Olivia is super aggressive so she gets all the extra time with Ben.
3.  It kind of bothers me that Ben doesn't take charge a little more.  When Olivia asked him to be his partner instead of being like, "Uh... sure... ok" why didn't he say what he wanted instead?  I feel like he lets some of the aggressive girls (er, Olivia) just control everything.

Ben has the best line of the season so far when he calls himself the "Spachelor".  Too good, Ben!

I guess this is the part where I sadly admit that Olivia is driving me bonkers.  I have stood up for her in past episodes (here) because I thought she was in on the act- like we were all kind of laughing at the ridiculousness together.  I thought her bit was tongue and cheek and that she was making fun of how absurd it all was and how absurd she was.  I no longer think that.  Mostly I think she's just mean and manipulative.

That  night gets off to a rough start with Olivia literally interrupting Ben mid speech to take him away and we all agree that she's just the worst.  Jubilee is really upset during this date because "I'm not used to being overshadowed."  I know, it's a hard, hard world we live in, honey.  Ben takes Lauren B. on a little walk around the corner so they can make out a lot.  Yes, we get it, you like Lauren B.  I still don't like her but have resigned myself to my expectation that she will win.  (I would much rather see Caila or Jojo or Amanda win.)

And then the trainwreck conversation with Jubilee.  She is feeling insecure and unloveable, holds back from Ben and won't let him hold her hand.  He says he doesn't see this going anywhere because she keeps pulling back and then she cries alot and goes home.

This whole thing kind of caught me off guard- I felt like the self destruction of Jubilee was happening slowly and then all at once.  I don't know if Ben was totally fair to her- it felt like he kind of got frustrated with her and then just booted her at once.  In any case, I think it was pretty clear that Jubilee wasn't going to last.  It does kind of irritate me, though, that he puts up with so much crap from Olivia.  I feel like she should have gotten the boot before Jubilee.

Group date ends with Ben giving Olivia the rose.  All the girls are totally shocked.  I kind of am, too, honestly.  The way he was all over Lauren B. I thought for sure she would get it.  He also doesn't seem like he likes Olivia that much so we're all just confused over here.  Greg wondered if this was a producer choice.  I know the producers will choose a few girls during the rose ceremony, but I didn't think they had any say in roses during group dates.  WHO'S TO SAY?

DATE #3:  Lauren H.

Lauren H. is super cute and they have a pretty typical (for Bachelor standards) date.  Shopping, fashion show, etc.  I really like her.  She seems genuine and down to earth.  I don't know if she's quite cute enough to steal Ben away from the other front runners, but she's at least a nice distraction for a minute.


I have watched a lot of Bachelor in my day.  So much Bachelor it could make a normal person puke.  I've never seen someone so blatantly offend someone as Olivia did when she just outright told Amanda that listening to her talk about custody with her kids was like watching an episode of "Teen Mom".  Amanda's situation is nothing like Teen Mom!  This is coming from an expert, too, because I have watched A LOT OF TEEN MOM in my day.  What blew me away the most was that when Amanda said, "Excuse me?" Olivia repeated herself!  Olivia, girl, STOP TALKING.  YOU ARE OFFENSIVE AND RUDE AND DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.

I was pretty proud of Amanda, though for her, "Well when I watch you I feel like I'm watching Snooki from Jersey Shore because you're just a hot mess!" remark.  And that's why I want her to win, ladies and gentleman.  Homegirl's got a back bone!

Emily goes freaking crazy over Olivia and rats her out to Ben.  I actually LOVE Emily.  She owned her gross burnt tostada in the cooking date, she went balls to the walls as the soccer goalie (and even broke her thumb, which The Bachelor didn't show) and I love how she stands up for herself and the other girls to say that she won't allow the bullying or the manipulation.  Twin for the win!

Of course Bachelor chooses to end the episode here because they are just the worst.  We are left in suspense waiting for next week.  Dear Bachelor producers, you understand that your entire audience is full of hopeless addicts who will watch next week regardless of such cliffhangers, right?  You do not need any ploys to get us to watch next week, we have no life, just let us know what happens with Olivia!

Other notes:

+ Jennifer is such a mystery to me.  She gets pretty much no air time but she feels like this mysterious, beautiful dark horse to me.  What business does she own?  Why is she so calm all the time?  I must know her better!

+ Lauren H. and Caila have hair of gods.  It's not fair.

+ The girls really need to stop saying "Our boyfriend" when referring to Ben.  Referring to him as "my boyfriend" is weird enough but to call him "our boyfriend" is just bordering on insanity.  Have some self respect, women!

+ All the girls and Ben constantly use the term "unloveable" ever since Ben first told Kaitlyn last season that he was afraid of being unloveable.  I am now very tired of hearing this.  I feel like it's the new "here for the right reasons".

+ Is Olivia not concerned for her life after Bachelor when she will want to be a tv news reporter again?  I mean, is anyone going to hire her after this?  Think of your future you crazy psycho!

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