The Life of Bon: 15 women + 1 man= Reality TV GOLD. AKA, BACHELOR RECAP

Monday, January 21, 2013

15 women + 1 man= Reality TV GOLD. AKA, BACHELOR RECAP

Well folks it is time for Bon's first ever Bachelor recap.  And maybe my last Bachelor recap. Who would have thought it would be so hard to properly make fun of this show?

We start off with a date for Leslie.  They start wandering aimlessly around the museum of Guinness Records to which Leslie remarks, "This date is so different than I expected."  In other words, "This date sucks.  And you're not spending enough money on me.  And where's the damn helicopter already?!?"  Next Sean really pulls the big surprise card and says that they are going to break the record for longest make out.  Smooth, Sean, Smooth.

At that point my bestie Mandy who was watching Bachelor with me replied, "So... I have to watch them make out for three and a half minutes? Forgive me one second while I go kill myself."  Nailed it, Mandy! Out of nowhere appears a British man announcing the kissing which makes me wonder what in the world Chris Harrison is doing there if the Brit has got the announcing covered.  I think Chris just wants to watch them make out for three minutes.  You know how Chris Harrison is.  He lives for this kind of shiz.  Sicko.

The highlight of the kissing extravaganza was a toss up between my other bestie, Amy, yelling to Sean "Open your mouth a little bit!  Learn how to kiss, you idiot?!?" and Chris Harrison yelling to a drunk lady who was watching them, "What do you think of this!?"  Any normal person would have replied that they thought it was quite weird.  That's why they had to get a drunk lady to yell back, "It's great!!!!"

I wasn't loving on Leslie too much, but it wasn't until their dinner date when she said, "Some people don't like junior high or high school but I loved every second of it," that I knew something was majorly wrong with her.  Who loves high school?  And worse, junior high?!?  She's a peaker, that one.

And why does every girl that is on the bachelor have parents that have the perfect marriage?  I'm calling BS!

The date ends with another nice make out session followed by random confetti bursting through the air.  What I want to know is who is the guy that they pay to watch the couple, wait for them to start making out, and then let off a bunch of confetti.  And more importantly, how do I get that job?!?

Next up is a group date!  One shining beauty says in her confessional, "I'm glad I'm not going on the group date because I have a feeling it's going to involve some kind of activity..."  Um. yes.  You would be correct, Einstein.  Dates involve some kind of activity.  Let me know how life works out for you trying to avoid any and all activity.

The girls all get to go to the beach and it appears as harmless as can be with women baring their bikinis and frolicking into the ocean with Sean.  What?  A Twist?  A volleyball match and only the winning team gets to stay?  I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.  Lie.  I did.  I saw it a mile away.  I should be their new writer because I could make these dates up in my dreams. In fact I do, but that's a story for another day!

The girls get down and dirty in their ultra competitive vball match.  I'm no volleyball player, but did they somehow find the worst 12 girls at volleyball in the country?  It was embarrassing to watch.  I was ashamed for my gender.  Please women.  Stop.  Stop flailing around and hitting the ball every which way. You're making ME look bad!  Also, does anyone else remember on Ben's season where all the girls had to play baseball against each other and then the losers got sent home on a bus?  And Blakely bawled her eyes out?  One of my favorite Bachelor moments ever, and yes, I watch entirely too much Bachelor.

Group date night goes awful when Kacie tries to tell Sean that... that... what exactly does she try to tell him? That Amanda and Dez don't like each other?  Who knows?  I was confused and why did she say she felt like she had been punched in the face?  Because two other girls were fighting?  If I've learned one thing from years of watching Bachelor it is to never ever rat on the other girls to the Bachelor.  You will pay for it.  You hear me, Kacie?  YOU WILL PAY!  I gained a whole new level of respect for Sean when he replied, "Why are you telling me this?" and then, even better "Act like Kacie, not like some crazy person."  Mostly I like that line because Hubs says it sometimes to me.  I get you, Kacie!

Kacie then ends the night by bawling her eyes out because she ruined her chances with Sean.  That look is really working for you, sweetie.  Don't stop.

Next we get a date to six flags with AshLee.  But before that, Tierra fake falls down the stairs to get more attention.  Oldest trick in the book, honey.  If you're going to be manipulative, at least be creative, huh?

Onto AshLee.  Hate the spelling of her name.  Love the girl.  I can hardly think of anything mean or sarcastic to say about the whole date.  I was totally impressed that they brought along two chronically ill girls and totally touched by AshLee's story about her adoption and her dad.  It's not often I'm both impressed and touched, but what can I say I've got a soft spot in my heart for nice dads!  AshLee, you sly devil, you, you got me!  I see her as more mature than most of the girls on the show *ahem, Tierra, ahem*.   AshLee's best line of the night was , "I definitely want as many children as my husband and I decide."  Oh really? Thank you for letting me in on that little secret!

What follows is a mean cocktail party, where all the women "steal" Sean from each other.  I must be way smarter than all the woman on Bachelor, because HELLO!  Take him somewhere no one else knows!  Hide!  Or go on a walk so someone would literally have to walk after you like a stalker.  Come on girls, get creative here!  You have now embarrassed our gender physically (vball) and mentally.  STEP UP!

Rose ceremony time!  Sean takes Kacie out before the rose ceremony and in what I see as a total nice guy move, spares her the humiliation of the rose ceremony.  She tried to get out of the friend zone, he didn't see it, so he let her go on her ugly crying face way privately.  Back in with the other ladies, he he sends the book cover chick/ model home (whose hair was pulled WAY too tight!) and a lady who looks like she could be his mother.  He kept  Desiree hanging until the end and tried to freak us all out, but we all knew she wasn't going anywhere, didn't we?

Also, for the record, I can't like Desiree because she looks exactly like the girl Hubs dated before he met and fell in love with me.  All ex girlfriends must be hated.  DEATH TO DEZ!

Alright, chicas, I'm out.  If you haven't checked out Tay Tay's Bachelor recap, hurry on over.  She always nails it.  And if you know spoilers to the season DON'T YOU DARE POST THEM IN THE COMMENTS.  I will personally hunt you down and strangle you with my own hair.  I am trying my absolutely hardest to not have this season ruined for me, and I take my Bachelor VERY seriously!  THANK YOU VERY MUCH


  1. Anonymous10:39 PM

    You had me up until "Death To Dez" - that girl is so cute! And what does that say about you, that your hubby finds you even more awesome! There's just something awesome about Bonnie's I suppose!

  2. "They hold hands still and they're just so cute and totally in love." -said every bachelor contestant ever.

  3. haha you are too funny. i tried doing a recap once but i felt too bitchy. you did it much better. i agreed with a lot of what you had to say, but you didnt mention how cutei t was he brought the one girl's (sarah?) dog to come see her! right then and there i would have melted

  4. Ha! I haven't watched The Bachelor since... Um, Ooooh I have no idea. It's been a while! Nonetheless, this recap was highly entertaining! ;)

  5. Wait, it was the one where he picked Melissa (the dancing with the stars one), then basically dumped her for the runner up & then I think those 2 got married? Maybe? That was awhile ago right? Haha! I sort of miss it!

  6. Seriously!

    How can all these contestants have parents with PERFECT marriages???
    And, I was also thinking about the random confetti. Do they have a person dump it or is it electronically calculated?

    And since when do you kick in volleyball? Pretty sure I saw a kick.

    I recapped, too! Check it...

  7. Spoiler alert: Only some of the girls are there for the right reasons. Sean gets worried that he'll pick the wrong one.

    Also, for the record, Sean has no eyebrows to speak of and I find that completely distracting.

  8. So funny ... I haven't watched this season but now I'm thinking I might start.

  9. Love this recap! Hilarious!

  10. Perfect recap! The dog thing was cute too. And that volleyball game was a hot mess!

  11. I thought it was kinda funny that Kacie sealed her fate when she's actually the only one that's been on the Bachelor before. Did she learn nothing from being on the show?!

    The Tiny Heart
    January Group Giveaway!

  12. Please oh please keep the recaps going. After every episode I'm like, "I neeeeeeeed to talk about how annoying Tierra is!!"

    Sad about Kacie B, she was my favorite on Ben's season. No front-runners yet for me, except for Sean, of course, who seems like the total cat's meow.

  13. Love this post!! Bachelor is my guilty pleasure this time each year! :)

  14. My name is definitely Ashlee...Glad you hate my name, tell me how you really feel Bon lol. If you think about it grammatically it does make more sense to spell it LEE rather then LEY- just saying.

  15. I definitely loved middle school and high school and I certainly did not peak there lol. I loved AshLee too, she was so sweet and smart and not ditzy like the others.

  16. Hahaha I chuckled through this whole post. I don't understand the losing volleyball team going home. Just for the night obviously I suppose. Did the other girls get to stay on the date longer? I missed that part.

  17. i am seriously laughing so hard. YOURE THE WOMAN.

  18. I love this recap! Bachelor is my fave. I am also too obsessed and get drawn into these people way more than I should. I follow some pretty funny Bachelor/Bachelorette people on Twitter and that Monday night tweeting party is the best!! Sometimes better than the show itself.

  19. Oh and I also LOVED middle school. I was SKINNY! And popular. And awesome and I didn't have bills to pay. Or grocery shopping to do!!

  20. haha I love this recap. The week before I liked Lesley M, but this week was kinda weird. Just watched them make out their entire date and she is horrible at making eye contact. AWKWARD. But Desiree is one of my faves!!

  21. I have to say I almost cried on AshLee and Sean's I am the last person I ever thought would want to cry about the Bachelor, but that date with the girls at 6 flags was soooo sweet! Sick children get me every time!


  22. Kacie did the SAME thing to Ben!!! Remember? He told her "tread lightly" when she tried to warn him about Cortney!!!! Some people never learn. I'm not exactly what she thought her "plan" was going into that.

    Also, am I the only one who noticed that their bathing suits are all the same brand? Eeeeenteresting.