The Life of Bon: Love without end.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Love without end.


Before I say anything, I must say thank you.

Overwhelmed is not an adequate word to describe how I have felt at the outpouring and love I have received from all of you when we announced our news yesterday- from friends, former students, old acquaintances, and even people I have never met "in real life"..  I won't be able to respond to every comment, but I read them all and I know who you are who sent such kind wishes, and I thank you.  You have been so generous with your congratulations, so sweet, so happy for this crazy and terrifying adventure Greg and I are embarking upon.  I have been moved to tears several times over the course of yesterday and today because of things you have said.  I woke up at 4 am last night and glanced at my phone to check the time.  There they were in the middle of the night, countless blog comments and facebook messages sending me your love.  I went to the bathroom then crawled back into bed and cried at the sheer kindness.

My classes clapped and cheered today when I told them. I cried again. I haven't been able to put my finger on it, but there is something so beautiful and natural about the way people have come together to celebrate the announcement of new life.  In a world that doesn't seem to value family, commitments, or children it was absolutely inspiring for me to read the congratulations of people from all walks of life.  Thank you for celebrating our good news with us. Thank you thank you thank you.

Before I start the nitty gritty descriptions of morning sickness woes, food aversions and doctor's appointments I want to take just one more post to focus on the sublime.  There was one thing I didn't tell you last night.

Two months ago I wrote this post.  It was the night before the anniversary of my dad's death.  I always write a blog post on the anniversary of his death, but this year I struggled greatly knowing what to say.  I felt like I had been over it all- it was sad, it was unexpected, I grieved, I continue to grieve.  I wanted to show love and respect to my dad by somehow honoring the passing of the day, but I didn't want my blog to be too heavy or sad.  I didn't want people to leave depressed or feeling sorry for me.

What I wanted my blog post to say was that I miss my dad a lot and losing him has been the single most difficult experience of my life.  BUT.  God has helped me.  There have been tender mercies, or "beauties" as I referred to them in the post.  I wrote out a list of ways I had felt my dad close to me the day of his death and the days immediately thereafter.  I wanted to identify clearly that my dad's presence and influence had remained with me and still does.

I wrote the post on a Monday night.  Greg was at rehearsal, Maverick was sleeping at my feet.  The post took hours, as do my most difficult posts.  I cried through much of it.  I felt the spirit as I wrote it- I felt peace, I felt happiness.  I felt close to God and close to my dad.  By the time I was done I had written out seven ways that God had shown me He still loved me, that everything would be okay.  Seven ways I felt my dad with me during those most difficult of days.

Turns out I missed one.  There were eight.

The night I wrote that post, I was already pregnant.  Inside of me was a growing embryo, a developing placenta, a uterus ready to go into overdrive.  I had no idea.  The next day, in the middle of marking the anniversary of my dad's death there was one positive pregnancy test.

Tears sprung to my eyes the moment I saw that second line come in on the test.  The truth is Greg and I had been trying to conceive for months.  To finally receive the happy news on the anniversary of my dad's death was a tender mercy beyond words.  It was God telling me all the things I had needed to hear from Him- that He still loved me, that everything would be okay, that He would take care of me.  It was my dad saying hi.

For the past four years November 19 has been the hardest day of the year for me.  I dread it-  in fact, I dread the whole month.  It's almost like I try to take a deep breath going into the day and only when I'm out safe and sound and in my bed at night can I slowly begin to let the air out.  November 19 is a remembrance of pain, suffering, sorrow, and grief.

But not anymore.  A day that once meant death now means life.  It means hope and resurrection and family.

My Heavenly Father has given me so many blessings that I may spend the rest of my life desperately trying  to thank Him for it all.  He has been so good to me.  He showered me with tender mercies and with kindness, even in the midst of the great tragedy of my life.  I am no stranger to His goodness, but this one takes the cake.  The most "beautiful beauty" of all turns out to not be what I thought it was.  Instead, it is in the subtle morphing of the meaning of a day.  From here on out November 19 means the continuation of life, not the end of it.  It means the promise of a growing family, not a shrinking one.   It means love that grows and grows, love without end.


69 comments:

  1. Such a beautiful story Bonnie, God is incredible! I have been reading your blog for years and I am just so happy for you!!

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  2. oh, this is so beautiful bonnie! what a great reminder that God is watchful and knows who we are! I am so incredibly happy for you! Can't wait for pregnant bonnie!!

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  3. Very beautiful, Bonnie. This brought me to tears. I've often noticed God's tender mercies appear on the days we've come to dread. Congratulations on the precious life you have growing inside :)

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  4. This definitely brought tears to my eyes. Such a beautiful new perspective you have on the day of your dad's death. He is helping to bring this beautiful new baby into the world even though he's not physically there. Congratulations on the amazing news. :)

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  5. I love this! What a wonderful way our Father in Heaven works! So glad you can also have joyful memories of that date, now. I'm sure your dad will be your baby's guardian angel!

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  6. You have me in tears... absolutely beautiful.

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  7. I love this. I lost my father when I was young, and my mom last fall. I love reading those posts on your dad, you have a way of putting things into words that I can't describe. I am also pregnant, about a month ahead of you. I can't wait to read your posts on the subject as you are much better with words than I am :)

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  8. This is beautiful, thank you for sharing this.

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  9. This is so amazingly beautiful! Also, congratulations on the most wonderful news, you and Greg will be the best parents!! :)

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  10. "My Heavenly Father has given me so many blessings that I may spend the rest of my life desperately trying to thank Him for it all."

    Amen.

    I loved this so much.

    And congratulations.

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  11. This seriously brought me to years. I just want to hug you! Hurray for beautiful life!

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  12. That is so amazing that you found out on the anniversary of your dad's death... God definitely has a plan and I think it was meant to be that you found out on a day where you needed just that little extra something to reassure you that life is going to be ok. Congratulations!!

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  13. Or Heavenly Father never forsakes you no matter what.

    May He bless you and your family abundantly further

    Sending love and prayers...

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  14. So, so amazing! What a story, Bon. I've got chills. Congratulations to you both!

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  15. Thank you for sharing this beautiful story, Bonnie; it brought tears to my eyes. Congratulations again to you, Greg and big brother Mav xx

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  16. This moved me to tears. I'm so happy for you even though we never met and most probably never will. Congratulations to you, Greg & little Maverick :) Pregnancy is the most wonderful miracle of life. God Bless!

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  17. There's a real baby in that picture! Like a real life little bitty baby. It's going to be so fun watching you become a mom. Your take on the situation will be a funny one. I'm just super pumped about taking this journey with you. Don't leave out a thing! Yay! Yay! Yay!

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  18. oh my gosh!!! congratulations!!! so happy for you both xxx

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  19. I don't know if you read The Doctors Fleming blog, but she also found out she was pregnant on the 5 month anniversary of her father's death. This is just such an amazing sign that there is a God. Although terrible things happen in life, God is with us, providing new life. Amazing :) Again I'm so happy for you.

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  20. AWWW! Congrats! I missed yesterdays post but it was so nice having these 2 awesome reads this morning!

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  21. This hits pretty close to home for me. It'll be 10 years on June 26th this year that I lost my best friend. Oddly enough, my due date is June 17th. And there's this indescribable feeling that June will finally be a month that I can feel peace and happiness again.
    I am so happy for you and Greg and look forward to following along !

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  22. ...tears, woman. Tears! I am so touched by the way you look at life and am without a doubt that your father is beaming with pride and excitement for the continuation of his legacy. Congratulations again!

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  23. That's beautiful, Bonnie! I'm so happy for you two!

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  24. Brought me to tears. How incredible that that's the day you found out! No doubt your dad had a hand in that and is smiling down on you and the baby growing inside you. Amazing! So happy for you!

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  25. You made me cry on the treadmill this morning. God is so good.

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  26. Darn it! It's 8:10am here and I'm crying on the couch reading this! I missed the news yesterday, but I am thrilled for you. This parenting adventure is a good one, I promise. I'm also so happy that you have a new day to celebrate and remember your dad, and it will be forever linked to him. Congrats;)

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  27. Just beautiful. A friend of mine tragically lost her young sister a few years ago. They'd been trying to conceive for years with no luck. Shortly after her sister passed, they found out she was pregnant. Gives me chills even now. So happy for you - you have so much to look forward to! :)

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  28. I just teared up at my office, reading this! Sometimes, it's hard to see the signs God is sending us...but this was one ginormous, beautiful sign, and it's so amazing that you now have this amazing gift to mark that day in November.

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  29. What an amazing blessing. God is so good, all the time. Congratulations on your wonderful, life-changing, heart melting newest blessing!!!

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  30. What a beautiful post. The very best of wishes for your continued journey. Motherhood is truly one of God's greatest gifts. There is immeasurable joy to come.

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  31. This was such a beautiful post, Bonnie. It brought me to tears. Many congratulations on this blessing. Wishing you the best throughout your pregnancy!!

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  32. I love how God works like that. He finds ways to make something painful beautiful and at just the time we need it.

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  33. First: The largest of large CONGRATS! Having a baby is wonderful and hard and beautiful and scary, and the journey to get to that baby changes you forever. I'm happy that you get to share it with your students. I had so much fun with mine and was overwhelmed time and again by their kindness and how much they genuinely cared…also by their nicknames and funny questions. Just wait. ;)

    Secondly: This post was like a direct correlation with the message preached last Sunday. It was on pain and suffering and grief, and what that means for us as Christians etc. It was a beautiful, hard sermon. Our pastor talked about LEANING INTO our suffering, because it is in the midst of it that God works. … the part that stuck out to me though, especially since I'm also pregnant now, is the scripture he read in Romans 8. It talks about how the whole world moans, as if in childbirth. He then said something so profound: the screams in the maternity ward are different than the screams in the oncological ward, because they are screams of suffering, yes, but they are bringing forth new life. He then said that if we believe in God, that is what our screams of suffering are like. I think this post is such a beautiful reminder of that too.

    Thirdly: Don't worry, I didn't scream when I gave birth. Don't believe the movies ;)

    Sorry this got so long. I'm out!

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  34. Bonnie!
    I've been reading your blog for a few months and I have to say, you're quickly becoming one of my daily must reads. I was so thrilled to read yesterday that you're expecting and this post today is just so, so wonderful. We may not believe in the same God (helllooooo from an Italian Catholic!) you can just feel God's love in this post. So, so, so happy for you and can't wait to follow along on your journey!
    Love from New York, New York!
    Kate

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  35. Bonnie! How awesome is that?! I'm sure your dad is hanging out with your little one up in heaven now. Bringing life into the world is one of the most amazing and sacred things. Aren't we lucky we are able to do it?! (I have to remind myself of that during the not so fun parts of pregnancy)

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  36. This brought tears to my eyes. Since the passing of my papa I truly feel that there are little signs here and there. I feel God wrapping his arms around me. Your story is a beautiful one that our child will get to hear. What a special time for you and Greg. Congrats again.

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  37. So beautifully written.

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  38. First of all, congratulations Bonnie! You guys are going to make awesome parents! :) Secondly, I love this story. I'm so happy for you.

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  39. I need to stop reading your blog. You make me cry all the time now. Silly hormones!

    Thanks for sharing!

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  40. Congrats! Parenthood is one of the hardest things you'll ever do. But one of the most rewarding things too. There are times it will feel like your heart will literally explode from all the love you have for this person. Congrats - it's an amazing journey. Hard, but so worth it.

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  41. Congratulations to you and your family! This wee one is going to grow up in a home full of love, compassion and humble happenings. :)

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  42. Beautiful. Your dad is certainly looking down on you. Congratulations to you and Greg! I'm so excited to read about your journey. Enjoy every minute of it!

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  43. This is beautiful, Bonnie. Just beautiful.

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  44. That's an incredible story Bon! Best wishes on your pregnancy!

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  45. Congrats again, Bonnie. This post totally made me cry, so very special... but it could be my pregnancy hormones as my due date is tomorrow.

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  46. Aww, this is such a beautiful post and what a beautiful gift you were given!

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  47. This is beautiful and brought tears to my eyes. You are going to be such an amazing mother. I can tell by the way you write and the way you feel such passion for what you do and the kids whose lives you touch. The post about how parents are the problem, not the teenagers proves that you will, without a doubt, be one of those parents who we all say "parenting done right" about. Good luck in your new adventure and congratulations to you and Greg!

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  48. You always made ME cry with this. What a stunning reminder of how individually God is mindful of each one of us! Thank you so much for sharing this because it reminds all of us that there will always be evidences of God's love even in the hardest and most difficult things...and I needed that reminder today.

    I'm so happy for you, and I know your dad is still very much with you (because I know those loved ones of mine are also with me). I have felt them especially strong in the "big" moments of my life, and I know it's their way of saying that the two worlds are more connected than we'll ever know.

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  49. I'm having a hard time finding the contact me section :/
    Probably a bit sleep deprived with my kiddos. I'd like to send you something for your lil one. My email is cprice46056@yahoo.com

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  50. This brought tears to my eyes as well. How incredible that is! The Lord is certainly aware of you and wants you to feel comfort instead of pain. Gosh, I Love this post. Keep it up Bon. I just love you! (Congrats again!!!)

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  51. This post made my eyes all watery. I am beyond happy for y'all!

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  52. Goosebumps. This is amazing and such a testament to God's miracles. To think He's been sitting on this plan all along. Love this and am seriously so happy for you and Greg!

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  53. Bonnie, I am so happy for you! And what a special reminder of God's mercies you will always have on November 19. <3

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  54. I'm late to the party but CONGRATULATIONS on the wonderful announcement!! It's amazing how God works in mysterious ways...maybe this is a way to turn a hard and sad memory/date into a happy one!!

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  55. Bonnie, congratulations! I remember reading that post. It was beautiful, but this one is even more beautiful! I am so happy for you and your family! I wonder if it's gonna be a boy too. Sending you lots of love & happiness!!!

    xoxo
    Olena

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  56. Loved this post, Bonnie....such sweet and yet profound thoughts. Can't wait to see you fall head over heels in love with your precious baby. Can't wait to fall in love myself with that new grandchild. Yes, we've known loss, but we also are given back. We are blessed....

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  57. Wow. Just...wow. What a story, beautifully written. Thank you again for sharing your journey with us.

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  58. So well put! I am beyond excited for you and your Ginger:) Look forward to hearing all of the updates!

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  59. Wow. Just, ... wow! God is simply amazing. He always, always knows, doesn't He? :)

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  60. Crying so hard!! I am so happy to hear that you are pregnant and finding out in such a special way. Hugs friend!

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  61. I love this post so much. My grandma died six months before I got married, and when I was pregnant with my son, I often had the distinct impression that she was playing a critical role in preparing him for this world. It's beautiful how God designed families so that those we love can still play real roles in our lives.

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  62. This is the most beautiful thing! I am SOOOO stinkin happy for you both! What a beautiful gift that your God (and your dad) gave you two! Lots of tears over on this side :)
    xoxo

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  63. Okay so I'm just catching up on A LOT, apparently. First of all CONGRATS sweet girl! I'm so beyond excited for you and the new adventure ahead! And second, this story brought tears to my eyes it is so beautiful. God is wonderful and never ceases to amaze me in the ways the He works :)

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  64. I think this crying thing is contagious. Here I sit in Panera reading this, crying. Yay for good news at the right time.

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  65. This was so beautifully written and I'm always intrigued when God shows up and does something so breath taking! I wouldn't be surprised if your dad asked God to present the news in this way - I'm sure it hurt him to see you in pain each and every year following his death - he wanted you to be reminded of beauty and life, not death and sorrow. So excited to be on this journey with y'all! :)

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  66. so beautiful, I am so happy for you! we have a similar story in ur family too. My grandfather passed away {will be 2 years in may, it was one of the hardest things} the week of his funeral, we found out my sister was pregnant. I believe that once he passed, Oliver came into our life. And same with your dads anniversary. xo

    cait @apieceofcait.wordpress.com

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  67. That is so sweet. I had suffered three miscarriages and was anxious about trying again. We found out I was pregnant, on my husband's birthday. The projected due date was my birthday. We both felt like that was a little message from heaven that everything would be ok with this one. My beautiful boy who is now 21 months is definitely evidence of God's love. Congratulations, pregnancy and babies are the ride of a lifetime, it is so exciting that you will be enjoying the ride.

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