The Life of Bon: First trimester insanity and is that a bump?

Sunday, January 26, 2014

First trimester insanity and is that a bump?




Shirt: Forever 21 (similar here)
Skirt: Forever 21
(I have this exact same $8 skirt in blue, maroon, black, red, and teal.  
They are so comfortable and go with everything.) 
Tights: Forever 21
Boots: Old Navy
(Yikes, I'm a walking ad for Forever 21 today!)

I present to you, my first official baby bump pictures.  Fourteen weeks, suckers.

I'm aware there is little to no bump to speak of yet, but I like pretending.  I made sure to take these pictures right after dinner in the vain hopes that what was really cheddar biscuits and vegetable soup would maybe just maybe look like some kind of human forming in my stomach.  

A lot of people have asked me how my first trimester was.  I really don't know how to respond except for that it was weird and I felt like someone else took over my body for a few months.  I guess someone did.

Here's why it was weird.  I used to always kind of make fun of pregnant people in my head.  Like why do these women insist on taking so many pictures of their stomach and what is with the constant updates on what is developing this week with their little fetus and can you all please stop holding your stomach every second?  It was very bizarre to me.  I didn't understand.

Then I got pregnant.  And all of a sudden it was the crazy train going at full speed.  Things I never thought would matter to me were now of utmost importance.  Is my baby the size of an olive or a grape this week?  Damnit,  I have to know!  If I'm 11 weeks and 4 days can I start calling myself 12 weeks pregnant or am I still 11 weeks?  Which is also something I never understood before I got pregnant, why pregnant people insisted on saying how far along they were in weeks. Whenever I would ask someone how far along they were and they would answer "29 weeks" I was flabbergasted.  You think I want to compute weeks in my head?  Tell me months, you idiot!  And now anytime anyone asks me how far I am, I spit out the number of weeks before I can even think that that might mean absolutely nothing to them.  My how the tables have turned!

Physically, the first trimester was rough on me.  The entire month of December I basically felt like I didn't know myself.  My body, which I have always prided on being strong and active, betrayed me completely.  I was sick constantly.  Getting ready in the morning I would be keeled over in the bathroom because my stomach hurt so much it was all I could do to brush my hair.  I was 20 minutes late for work every morning because I just couldn't get my body to move. Thankfully I never puked, it was just a constant queasiness.  The best way I can think of to describe it is after you've been traveling all day and your stomach feels totally off.  You don't want to eat anything and you don't want to move- you just want to sit and wait for it to pass.  That's how I felt all day every day.  No food sounded good to me. (Grocery shopping was the worst!  Looking at all that food made me want to vomit.)  I lived on Saltines and Popsicles.  (My students constantly asked me to share my crackers with them when I was eating in class.  No, you sixteen year olds! Don't you realize what these crackers mean?  You are dealing with a hormonal, pregnant teacher and it's the only thing I can eat that won't make me sick, now leave me alone!)  When I went in for my twelve week check up I was surprised to see that I had lost four pounds since being pregnant.  Hmmm... first trimester nausea as a diet trick?

Not only was the queasiness rough, but suddenly I was beyond exhausted.  I have always had ridiculous amounts of energy, so I couldn't quite get used to my body's constant desire to just sit there.  At school I planned all my lessons so I could just sit in my chair.  Forget the wandering around the classroom and checking on the poor tikes, and you can scrap the fun, on your feet, creative activities.  Out the window entirely! I was going to sit and they were going to like it!  Every day I would come home from work at 4:00, lay on the couch until 7:00 and then move to the bed where I would promptly fall asleep.  Getting a blog post done at night about killed me, and I felt the quality of my writing dropping off substantially, but I just couldn't create anything fun or positive or even semi interesting.  I had no desire to go out, no desire to see people, no desire to wake up in the morning (See this post and this post if you don't believe me.)

Then there were the emotions.  Usually I try to be accommodating and flexible to others' needs, but during those first weeks it all went right out the window.  Greg would come home from work and I'd say, "Hey, I was thinking about heating up that leftover soup for dinner."  

"Erm... that doesn't sound very good to me," he'd reply.  

"Alright then screw it!" I'd answer,  "Fend for yourself!  I'm heating up soup and going to bed!"  And I would.

The craziest thing of all happened over Thanksgiving break.  Greg and I had planned on going to the temple together the Friday after Thanksgiving.  We had been trying to go for weeks and always something came up.  We had finally gone the Wednesday before Thanksgiving only to discover that the temple was closed.  So we decided Friday, no matter what, we would go.  I can't remember what happened but something came up, we ran out of time, and the temple got squeezed out of our day completely. Again. When I realized it wasn't going to happen for us that day, I went ballistic.  Absolutely stark raving mad. Somewhere in my brain there was 1% part of sanity left that tried to tell myself that we would just reschedule and fit it in another day.  But the other 99% of my brain had given itself up entirely to the dark side, and insisted that I would never go to the temple again, that everything that was once important to me no longer fit into my life and that I would live out my remaining 53 years of life in misery.

At first I just started crying, which is nothing too unusual as I am prone to crying.  But then it turned into sobs.  Within a few minutes I was bawling inconsolably.  Greg was bewildered.  He had no idea what to do with me.  I flung myself on the bed and cried and cried and my body was racked with sighs and heaves and it was all so out of control.  There have been two other times in my life when I have cried like that- six months into my mission with a companion who hated me when I was miserable and homesick and wanted to come home more than anything, and when my dad died.  Only twice have I ever felt that hopeless and miserable.  This occasion, a rescheduled temple trip, surely did not merit the same reaction.

But I couldn't help myself.  It was like another person had seized my body and was making it cry without end.  I remember feeling almost scared of myself in that moment, like "Who is this woman and why is she in my body?"  I knew I was being unreasonable and crazy, but I had no control over myself.  Greg lay on the bed with me and hugged me until eventually (half an hour later) the crying ebbed and turned into an occasional sob and then just sniffles and then finally, finally sleep.  

So yah.  There was that.

We were going to wait until twelve weeks to tell family, but I was so miserable at eight weeks that Greg basically begged me to tell my mom.  I think he was terrified being the only reasonable adult around.  He didn't know what to do with me- like I was some kind of dynamite that was going to explode at any minute.  "You need your mom.  I can't do this by myself anymore. Please. "  He begged.  Apparently being around a sick, exhausted, stark raving mad person isn't fun?  Say whaaaaaaaa?

So we told our families and everyone was delighted and there was Christmas and wedding and a lot of not feeling awesome but the best news of all is that by 11 or 12 weeks I started to feel so much better and here I am at 14 weeks feeling 100% like my old self again!  HALLELUJAH!

There you are, folks.  First trimester in a nutshell.

Also, I am sorry if this post has felt very negative/ complain-y.  I am beyond excited and grateful to be pregnant and consider it an absolute gift.  I know that the sickness and exhaustion and crazy train ride will all be worth it when I have my own little ginger baby staring back at me.  

If not, well, I've been told a lot of lies.

40 comments:

  1. WEEKS!!! I told you! The books, they're all in weeks and the dr only talks in weeks. Months mean NOTHING to a pregnant woman.

    I can't wait to see you. I'll try to talk blog and not babies. If you ever want to talk babies, I'm your girl. I have two and I taught pregnancy 3 of my 5 years of teaching. I'm obsessed.

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  2. Hahaha you sound EXACTLY like a normal pregnant lady. As soon as I got pregnant I was nauseous, hot and tired all the time. Until about 15 weeks, and then it felt glorious. And then I got super pregnant and everything hurt. But that first trimester is a kick in the pants.

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  3. I was the exact same way when it comes to making fun of pregnant people. It was soooo annoying to see the week pictures or to talk in weeks and then I became pregnant and it's like I'm an entirely different person (although somewhere in the 20's I always kept forgetting how far along I was). So glad to hear you're feeling better! I didn't have much sickness but the exhaustion and raw emotions definitely took over me too so you aren't alone and certainly aren't complainy at all! It's what we women have to go through to create more crazy women or men!

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  4. The first trimester and the last few weeks are ALWAYS tough. I can only say that because I already have a six week old (want to see pictures on my blog soon Bon-Bon?). Then comes labor and then the baby is here. But yeah, those are the toughest times. Made me laugh whenever you posted that Greg already said that he couldn't handle you being pregnant like he thought he could. He didn't know what he was signing up for!

    Make sure that when you find out the sex, if you find out...that you tell us readers?! We want to know.

    Oh, and here is a tip for you with the newborn. Always fit your schedule around the babies needs and not the other way around. Sleep when he/she sleeps, blog when he/she naps, etc. OH, and get a moby wrap for when you are out or at home because you can get a lot more things done.

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  5. ...and I have a crazy son in which we call Monkey, who will turn five this year on August 19th.

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  6. Ok, you totally have the pregnancy glow. You look beautiful :)

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  7. ahhh, my blogging friend! i did not know you were preggo! congrats!!! you are rocking it all :) continued blessings!

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  8. I LOVE reading about others' pregnancy!! It started when I was pregnant myself, but the obsession never went away after I had my baby a year and a half ago. Congratulations!! :)

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  9. :) Yup, that all sounds about right, but it's all something you truly don't understand until you're pregnant. I HATED hearing the number in weeks from my pregnant friends, and then felt so bad when I spouted them off to people. And isn't it amazing how no food sounds good? (I lived off bagels for three months)! And the craziness...oh, the craziness! It gets better from here! Congrats :)

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  10. Such a roller coaster of emotions - I also felt that this whole blog post was a PSA for everyone to go and tell their mamas how much we appreciate them... Nine months of crazy is a big load to carry for anyone! :)

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  11. This literally made me LOL. I have felt that emotional before on crazy birth control pills. It was EXACTLY as you described the 1% reasonable and 99% unreasonable. Poor Greg!

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  12. Yep. My kid is almost 3 and my older kids STILL remind me of the time I completely flipped out in a McDonald's drive through. It will pass :) Then when you have the kid it's a whole different kind of crazy :)

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  13. Definitely relate to this post, I am currently two days past my due date.
    I wasn't showing till about 6.5 months at all so people didn't believe me that I was pregnant, meanwhile I obviously felt super pregnant. The strange cravings came during the 2nd trimester and somehow morning sickness returned in my 3rd.

    Also, you look totally great at 14 weeks! glowing!

    Jenn
    Jenafur.blogspot.com

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  14. you look SO adorable!! cannot wait to see more updates!

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  15. That sounds like the first trimester :) I went to a restaurant with my family and husband.... I cried (tears streaming down my face) because the pasta came out green (it was spinach -- I should have known). I wont ever live that down. Now I'm 30 weeks with my second, with my first at 8 1/2 months.... I don't even know what it feels like to not be pregnant! You'll love being a mom!

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  16. I felt the exact same way. Now I know why teachers warn other teachers not to get pregnant as a full-time employee! Yikes! I was pretty emotional, too, if you've read my blog posts. Thank goodness for the uplifting 2nd trimester! What weird cravings have you had?

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  17. Hahah, I'm not pregnant nor have I ever been, so I cracked up when you were talking about how you used to feel about pregnancy vs now. I relate a lot to your old self. Maybe I should have a more open mind about weeks and status updates and fruit sizes. ;)

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  18. Welcome to motherhood! Lol I'm 38 weeks with a 2 and 1/2 year old and can totally relate :)

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  19. Aw how rough! It will be worth it though when a little baby you/Greg comes how cute haha :)
    holllieee.blogspot.com

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  20. The weeks thing drove my husband crazy...but I did it anyway. Glad you're feeling better! Somehow I was lucky in that I was never that sick during my pregnancy!

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  21. Oh you poor girl... I feel so bad for you. My daughter is pg with #3, her first girl. She is a tiny thing like you, and at 30 years old, said this is the last, that she is too old for this stuff--she wants 4 kids, though, so we'll see.
    So, if you think this 'thing' inside you is taking over your life, wait until s/he is born! It will be so many joys, so exhausting, and there will be times you'll wonder if you'll ever 'own' your own body and life again. My advise to you: love every second of it, soak every bit in, because before you know it, they are off to college, getting married, moving away, and you are missing those days so much it hurts...
    If I had to do it all over, I would document all my feelings, take pics every week of my bump, and scrap it... like in the Project Life format that is so popular now. Savor it all---the memories will fade soon enough...

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  22. NOOO!!! you are my teacher-inspiration for "doing it all"!! glad you're feeling better!!

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  23. Haha oh my heck you described ALL of this so perfectly. Especially the before being pregnant vs. after thing. My first trimester was almost exactly the same, also known as pure unadulterated misery haha. I'm SO glad you're feeling better! 2nd trimester is awesome!!!

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  24. That's awesome!! Congratulations to you and your husband on the bundle that will be making an appearance soon enough! My son is 6 and let me tell you time goes by super fast, enjoy every second. Have a great one Bonnie! -Iva

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  25. So far, I feel you. I'm only 7 weeks and want to rip my hair out. Nothing goes my way, I have NO energy, my dogs are irritating me [and I love them dearly], no matter how sweet my husband is I don't want him to TOUCH me, and what I'd love nothing more is to scream bloody murder because of the constant nausea. I'm glad there is a light at the end of the first trimester.

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  26. I hope you enjoy your pregnant weeks :)

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  27. Did not realize you were pregnant - congrats! When are you due?

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  28. I'm glad you shared the complaints and hard stuff about the first trimester. Growing a human is amazing but it's not easy, and I like that you keep it real.

    P.S. Every time, I see a picture of your pup, it reminds me of the toy poodle my family had when I was younger. I loved him so much!

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  29. Yeah only non pregnant people speak in months..................all women who have had a baby speak in weeks

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  30. Super cute hair! Aw, what a cute super tiny bump.

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  31. I'm glad you're feeling like yourself again! I also felt nauseous for my entire first trimester and actually I didn't throw up at all until 15 weeks, when I threw up once and that was it. So strange! But now I'm at 17 weeks and am feeling totally normal again, and I couldn't be more thrilled! WOOT! Also, I totally tried looking up whether the 10th week (for example) was before or after the day that actually MARKED 10 weeks, and determined that no one really knows and I just never knew if my fetus was a grape or olive and now I just wait until I hit the actual week mark to consider it a new size. It just doesn't seem to matter as much in the second trimester!

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  32. You don't sound negative/complainy... you sound realistic, which is something I have always appreciated. Hang in there, it's unbelievably worth it!

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  33. Sounds a lot like my first trimester!! Second trimester is REALLY good though :)

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  34. Gosh your post made me smile like crazy and literally laugh out loud! I have just recently stumbled onto your blog and absolutely enjoy every post you write so to hear you are pregnant too, with such similar symptoms to me makes me more chuffed i found your blog! I'm 16 weeks and only just beginning to feel normal, we found out on Saturday that we are having a boy- is a little early to find out but we had a special 3d scan because we were just so excited! It took us a year and a few fertility nudges but we finally got here! Cant wait to follow, relate to and share your progress! Congratulations x

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  35. I LOVE this post! :) My husband and I tried for 18 ish months, and I held pregnancy on a huge pedestal. I was beyond shocked that I was miserable my first trimester!! Your first trimester sounds exactly like mine! Except I ate to feel better... I gained 10 lbs! haha. oops! I constantly feared people thinking I complained so much, but honestly, it was what i was experiencing in my pregnancy and my reality. Also I suffered from SEVERE insecurity while pregnant... I HAVE NO IDEA WHY!?!? I look back at my baby belly and think "I WAS ADORABLE WHAT WAS MY ISSUE" Hormones. That is all I can say.

    Oh funny story. I was 35 weeks pregnant trying to take a "sexy" belly photo of myself while my husband read a book on the couch. I was having a really hard time. And I HATED him.. I can't really remember why.. but I hated him. I finally said something about him just sitting there and not helping me, and started sobbing uncontrollably in his lap, and all he could say is "honey, its ok, I think its just 3rd trimester pregnancy hormones" Looking back, it is actually really funny at how upset I was.. and what my husband must have thought.. but those crazy pregnancy hormones... that ish is for real!

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  36. Reading your pregnancy posts is pretty much going to be awesome. Between you and another blogger friend with the same kind of sass and wit, I'm going to be highly entertained for the next few months. Also, those breakdowns are definitely in my future, I am sure of it.

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  37. Random-yes. But what is on your arm? Also, I know I've said this a million times but I am so excited for you. Super duper excited!

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  38. I'm 5 months pregnant and I still make fun of pregnant people... mostly because I'm past the first trimester drama and I'm back to feeling normal. Maybe some aches and pains here and there. :) I look back and roll my eyes at some of my antics during those first few months, though. Now, I brace myself for the return of morning sickness and mood swings! Congrats, and happy to see all is well so far!

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  39. I am a little late but CONGRATULATIONS!! I am so excited for you and can't wait to follow along :)

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  40. I just started following and I love your posts! This one especially. I've read a lot of pregnancy posts where it's all about "don't worry, I know it will be worth it" but the last line completely sold me on your blog. I almost felt a sense of FINALLY because you're hilarious and real. I can completely relate to you and I'm finding that doesn't happen as much as I would like in the blog world! Congratulations on your new little bundle of joy and I'm happy to read what comes next for you! :)

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