The Life of Bon: Bachelorette Recap: The Premiere

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Bachelorette Recap: The Premiere

It's been a whirlwind few days over here and there is lots to say!  We drove to California and went to the beach and an Angels game and Disneyland and drove ten hours home and did the whole thing in 72 hours.  It was wild!  I was going to tell you all about it but then last night was The Bachelorette premiere and now I want to talk about The Bachelorette instead!  I'll tell you what, when you have to decide if your blog post should be about The Bachelorette or Disneyland you know you've really had a good week.

I'll tell you about Disneyland tomorrow because The Bachelorette waits for no one!

First off, a disclaimer.  We didn't start Bachelorette until 10:30 last night.  And I fell asleep during the rose ceremony.  WHILE TAKING NOTES.  So my thoughts are probably not the most coherent in the world and if I start talking about someone who wasn't even on The Bachelorette last night, well, now you know why.

The season starts off in usual fashion- Jojo waiting on the driveway with Chris Harrison and his spiffy new haircut.  (Don't think we didn't notice, Chris!)  Jojo says she's nervous and Chris Harrison says in genuine surprise, "Really?"  So obviously Chris has no idea what's going on.

Jojo is looking absolutely gorgeous- I love the nude sparkly gown.  Is Jojo the prettiest Bachelorette ever?  I say yes!

The men pull up and first out the door is Aaron Rodgers' little brother, Jordan!  Now, I know nothing about football but I know alot about the Bachelorette and whoever comes out of the limo very first is a guy who Bachelor producers have decided (after numerous interviews) is likely a front runner.  So keep your eye on Jordan!
Lots more men follow.  Some are well dressed.  Some are dressed like Santa.  Some have very bushy eyebrows.  Some tell inappropriate jokes.  It's a circus on the driveway.

We're not going to go over every man's introduction because ain't nobody got time for that; instead I will do some First Impression awards.

Best dressed:  Jordan OR Pete (who got sent home.)  Pete wore the tan suit and I LOVE tan suits.  Jojo obviously doesn't because he got the curb the first week.

Worst dressed:  James F. with the red tie, black shirt, black suit.  My eyes!

Cheesiest/ most cliche intro:  Chase with "I moustache ask you a question."  Listen, Chase, even in its prime that joke sucked, and two years later it's not getting any better!

Joke that fell the hardest:  Daniel with "Damn Jojo!"  Yes, we've all seen Damn Daniel (Er, at least anyone who works in a high school has?  I can't get away from that thing) but obviously Jojo hasn't.  The joke wouldn't have been so bad if he didn't insist on painfully explaining the joke to Jojo later.  Listen, Daniel, something I learned when I was 11 years old is if you have to explain the joke it's not a good joke.  Give it up!

Sweetest intro:  Derek.  He was the second out of the limo and said something very sweet/ sincere about how grateful he was to meet Jojo.  Later in the night he made fun of himself, saying he had a nerdy vibe and that when he was young he looked like Harry Potter.  My heart = melted.  Something about those nerdy ones always calls to me.

Funniest/ cutest:  James, Bachelor superfan.  His intro to Jojo wasn't anything too special, but I loved his intro video and the later stint he did with Chris Harrison during the credits.  (Chris: So you know everything about The Bachelor?  James: (totally serious) More or less.  HAHAHA)   How can you not love a guy who does Bachelor brackets at home with his mom and sisters?  Also, it's obvious he doesn't take himself too seriously and I always love that in a guy.

Most intense intro:  Chad.  He pretty much mauled Jojo when he introduced himself.  Way too strong there, Buddy, that is personal space you're invading!  I was uncomfortable just watching him.  After last night and the previews for what's to come I think we can all agree that he will smoothly slide into the Bachelor villian role.  I mean, hey, villians gotta vill right.

Most awkward intro:  Will with the cards falling.  Who coaches these guys on their intros?  His awkwardness continued later in the night when he "predicted" that he was going to kiss Jojo and then she gave him a little peck.  That was horrible.  You pretty much have to shield your eyes from that stuff because it is just painful to watch.

Most inappropriate intro:  Sal with the blue balls.  Why, Sal, why?!?

Most snazzy/impressive intro: Wells with the barbershap quartet gig he had going on.  Super cute.  But then he kept them around later to serenade again while talking to Jojo?  Too much, Wells!  You gotta let those guys go free!

Best overall intro:  Luke with the unicorn!  Playing off of Jojo's original awkward in a cute way was the most clever, stand-out-without-being-weird-or-creepy intro out there.  Luke is the Texan heartthrob as has been pretty understated in this first episode which I think makes him very likely as the winner.  Also, how cute is it that he brought a pair of cowboy boots for Jojo?  This guy has got it figured out.

Once the intros are over it's a free for all of alcohol and cologne and insecurity in the mansion.  Alex, who is short, takes Jojo away first.  The men make fun of his height because we're all very mature here.  A few men have entirely way too much to drink.  Daniel strips down to his underwear and swims in the pool because this is a first night Bachelor requirement and someone's gotta do it and we're all lucky Daniel volunteered as tribute.

All the men are really nervous and Jojo says she doesn't feel an instant connection with any of them.  Until, of course, Jordan sweeps her off his feet.  I don't know if his my-brother-is-Aaron-Rodgers is going to end up hurting or helping him overall, but I will say that brother's fame aside, the guy has got a lot of confidence.  He seems completely comfortable, fits in well with the other men, and so far hasn't said anything totally rude.  He gets the first kiss, because of course he does, which later leads to the first impression rose because of course it does.

And then there's Santa.  I have to admit, I thought Jojo was really sweet to him even though he had made a weird and unconventional choice.  And why does he keep wearing the Santa suit all night long?  It showed in the bloopers that he had a suit on under that.  I mean, do the Santa gig for an hour and then just wear your normal suit!  Given that the cocktail parties often go until 8 am, I feel so bad for him that he is literally wearing that all night long.  No wonder he was sweating his brains out.  My guess is the producers made him keep the suit on.  (But why does he keep saying, "Jo jo jo jo!"  I can almost excuse the Santa suit if not for this.)

Ten hours later, it's time for the rose ceremony.  Of course, before Jojo can really begin, Jake Pavelka, widely known as being the worst Bachelor of all time, drops on by in a suit.  As one does at 5 am at a mansion in LA.  The men all start to worry.  "Who's that?"  "It's Jake Pavelka" identifies James, bachelor superfan,  (There are THREE James on this season.  How are we ever going to keep track of them all?)   Bachelor producers love to get a little drama going so they all make us thing Jake has stopped by because he's really in love with Jojo and wants to be on the Bachelor too.  Twist!  All Jake really he says is, "follow your gut, kid" and leaves.  Oh Bachelor producers, you get us every time.

Now we're finally rose ceremony-ing it.  Here's the secret to successful rose ceremony prediction in the first few weeks:  Identify the ten guys who Jojo seems to have had any kind of even remote connection with.  Then idenitfy the ten guys who are just absolutely crazy and whom you would never in a million years date.  If you are not in one of those two groups, you are going home.  All the front runners stay, Santa stays, the drunks stay, Damn Daniel stays.  All the men act very surprised that Jojo has chosen men who behaved so poorly on the first night even though we all know at home that this is the doing of the evil Bachelor producers.

Three guys go home whom we literally know nothing about.  We're not surprised!  (Only three though?  That seems low to me for the first night.)

Before the show can wrap up we get a little preview of the season ahead.  Chad promises to be a villian to rival any previous vill.  There's going to be some tension with Jordan- looks like the men don't like former pro athletes dating the girl they like.  Shocker.  And Jojo makes out with a lot of beautiful men in beautiful places all around the world. 



1.  Luke
2.  Jordan
3.  Wells
4.  Graham
5.  Alex

Tell me your thoughts and I will be responding to all comments on this post.  Let's get a good Bachelor discussion going on!

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