The Life of Bon: Bachelorette Recap Week 2: In Which Chad Clearly Establishes Himself as the VILLAIN

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Bachelorette Recap Week 2: In Which Chad Clearly Establishes Himself as the VILLAIN

Is there anything in this world better than a 3 day memorial weekend, school that gets out in less than a week, AND a brand new episode of Bachelorette?  I submit that there is not!  It's a great time to be alive!

Date #1: Group Firefighter Date

Last night's Bachelorette starts out with the worst "date" in Bachelor/ Bachelorette date history.  On this "date" the men throw on 8- 10 pound of firefighter equipment and perform all sorts of manly obstacles/ firefighter duties (?!?) in the hot sun.  It looks absolutely miserable.  There is not a lot of talking to Jojo/ getting to know Jojo better as you would expect on a "date".  I was super disappointed with this macho date.  Also, slightly very unfair because Grant is in real life a firefighter, and so obviously won the firefighter challenge.  Hey guys!  Let's have an English teacher competition so I can beat you and make you feel bad that you are not as good at my profession as I am!

Poor Wells fainted, because, well he's probably a buck forty tops.  I've got a thing for skinny guys so I still like him just right but I am thinking my last week's theory of him advancing to the top five is probably not gonna happen.  He did score a little one on one time with Jojo (gasp!  On a date!  How dare he!) Wells, you sly devil, you.

Night portion of the date is mostly insignificant except for that Luke swoops in for the hot and heavy, romantic as hell kiss.  He's my predicted winner so this pleased me.  Also he's very good looking so that pleased me as well.

Back at the house Chad is bemoaning that he has to be in a house all day with a bunch of people whom he doesn't like.  Instead of socializing, he decides to do pull ups with a suit case attached to his waist  as one does when one does not get along with others.

Superfan James sums it up pretty well:

"There is nothing that can give you the gift of watching a man, in this case a Chad, use a weight belt in such a revolutionary way.  It's a gift from above."

I get that Chad is being a jerk, but one has to agree with him to some extent- I mean what are the other guys doing?  A Jojo singalong!  This is not a singalong, men!  This is an intense dating reality tv show- now act like it!  (Also, I do like James T., but for crying out loud, but the guitar away!)

Date #2: One on One Date for Derek

Derek is nerdy and cute in a very nerdy sort of way.  He's cute in a I-want-my-daughter-to-date-you -kind of way.  They somehow end up in San Francisco, see the golden gate bridge, do dinner, I tuned out and started looking at my phone.  Nothing against Derek, but just a little too boring for my taste and probably not cute enough for Jojo's.  He'll stick around for awhile, but I'm betting he doesn't make it past top 8.

While Derek is enjoying his time with Jojo, Super villian Chad and Daniel (who got super drunk and jumped in the pool the first night) are having an absolutely incomprehensible conversation by the pool.

Chad:  I always warn girls to stay away from nice guys.
Daniel: I totally agree!
Chad:  People say I'm an a***.  I'm actually nice.  It's the nice guys who are a***holes
Daniel: You gotta watch out
Chad: Agenda
Daniel: They're not being real
Chad: Plan by those eyes
Daniel: I agree man

Good job, boys!  I'm glad we talked this out!

The date card shows up for the next group date- James S., superfan, Chase, and other not very stand out people are left off the card.  The guys are understandably upset.  Chad chimes in with great advice:

"You've gone your whole life without her!  She's not going to fly away to Malaysia!"  Oh, Chad.  You are a wise one.

Date #3:  Group ESPN date

Date 3 is at the ESPN studios where the men will be power ranked by a couple of sports broadcasters.  Again, super competitive and manly, but at least it's better than the firefighter date.

It should also be noted that "St. Nick" from the first episode is on this date!  He's wearing blue all the way on the left.  He seems like such a normal, fun guy.  WHY THE SANTA SUIT?  Also, don't these boys all dress so differently?  What unique style they have!

The first part of the power ranking involve the men performing touchdown dances which are all super horrible and make me uncomfortable.  All I know is Christian, bless his heart, is trying way too hard.  Tone it down, brother.  The men also "propose" to Jojo and are judged on the level of romance of their proposal.  The other men play along but Chad, very literal person, states he can't propose and tell Jojo why he loves her, if he in fact doesn't love her yet.  He goes for a straight forward "Will you marry me?" and when Jojo asks for something a little more, he declares her a nag.  Not good for romance, but great for reality tv!  Thank you, Chad!

James Taylor (STOP SINGING JAMES) gets the #1 power ranking, Chad the #2 for his honesty, and Alex rolls in at #3.  Alex takes it personally that villain Chad out performed him and makes it his personal mission to tear down Chad.  For every villain in reality tv, there is a self- sabotager.  Alex, welcome to the role of self- sabotager- we're so happy to have you!

One on one time with Jojo is mostly unimpressive.  Chad does tell Jojo that his mom died six months ago, but acts super casual about it and brushes it off quickly, obviously not wanting to be some kind of sob story for ABC.  I don't mean to play therapist here, but obvioulsy there is a lot of grief that Chad is running away from and a lot of avoided healing that needs to occur which is manifesting itself in extreme douchery/ super villian status.  Classic villain!

Rose Ceremony

Chad is waiting on the steps when Jojo arrives so he gets a few extra minutes of time with her and when they walk in together, the other men are visibly upset.  How dare he!  There is an unwritten bachelor rule book, Chad, read up you fool!  Chase steals Jojo right away and the other men seize the opportunity to surround Chad.  They are led by Alex, who, remember, has a personal vendetta against Chad because he outscored him in the ESPN power rankings.  The men demand to know everything Chad said to Jojo, why he was with her, how long, WHY DOES HIS TIE MATCH HER DRESS?  Hate to say it, but I'm firmly on Chad's side here.  Loosen up, you crazy men!  Put all the energy you are spending worrying about Chad into your own relationship with Jojo and you're golden.  Dumb boys.  If they only had my years of watching the Bachelor experience, they would so clearly understand.

The best comment of the night comes from James, superfan, upon watching the way that Chad eats:

"When you miss a meal and you look like that, it's detrimental to your progress.  At least that's what I'm told."

Meanwhile Will (who did the awkward origami game "I am going to kiss you" on the first night) has arranged to toilet paper the Bachelor mansion with Jojo, an activity that I absolutely loved when I was in sixth grade.  You know the Bachelor producers are excited about that little mess they get to clean up.

Chad talks with Jojo, which upsets the men (WHY?!) and they again gang up on him to discuss.  Very reminiscent of last season when all the girls ganged up on Jubilee to confront her about not following their set of rules.  Only the men really don't have a lot to say.  They kind of just stand around Chad and ask (ish) why he keeps taking time with Jojo.  It is very non threatening and very weird.  Alex, of course, is leading the charge.  Chad says it best:

"We're a bunch of butt hurt dudes and we're going to confront you... slightly..."
"It was like watching West Side Story... a bunch of dudes surrounding me in a circle- let's get Chad!"
"It's like if the Care Bears surrounded you and told you their going to kick your a**."

Chad reacts in the most mature possible way and decides to continue pulling Jojo aside just to upset them. ("It's really fun to mess with people when they get upset.") Ah, third grade was so fun, wasn't it?

The rose ceremony finally goes down and Brandon (hipster), James (superfan) and Will (awkward and no chemistry) hit the road.  Why James Why?  I like Jojo, but why keep Vinny or Evan over James?  Give us at least one more week of awesome super fan one liners!

Rose Ceremony #2 Awards:

Best dressed: Luke in black suit and skinny black tie
Worst dressed:  Grant in tin-man/ silver pants silver vest get up
Worst dressed tie: Robby in pastel bowtie

Greg and I and a few friends did Bachelor brackets this season, and I find now a good time to let you all know that I am leading in the brackets!  HOLLER!

Tell me what you all think.  Do you all hate Chad as much as the Bachelor producers want you to hate him?

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