Welcome to May. Also known as you will never sleep again.

It's May.

May is the busy time of year.

It's the-students-go-buck-wild-and-you-want-to-tear-your-hair-out time of year.

It's the weather-is-nice-and-no-one-wants-to-be-inside time of year.

It's the your-best-friend-is-moving time of year.

The try-not-to-crazy-as-you-plan-your-summer-vacation-and-realize-everything-is-already-booked time of year.

The get-ready-for-baby-and-go-to-lots-of-doctor's-appointments time of year.

The grading-papers-until-your-eyes-fall-out-of-your-head time of year.

The start-looking-at-buying-a-house-and-making-big-people-decisions time of year.

The get-your-dog-neutered time of year.

The students-are-AP-testing-time-of year.

The when-was-the-last-time-you-changed-your-oil time of year.

The wedding-reception time of year.

The have-you-bought-your-mom-a-mothers-day-gift-and-if-you-thought-she-was-hard-to-shop-for-try-shopping-for-your-mother-in-law time of year.

IT'S THE EVERYTHING TIME OF YEAR.

Which is exactly why I spent an hour last night playing 2048 on my bed.  Nothing but swiping numbers.  Down. Left. Down. Right. Down. (But never up!  That's the secret, you see!)  Sometimes when there is too much to deal with I just turn off.

Welcome to May.

Is it June yet?

Bing in the Classroom

One thing I've learned working in public schools is that the majority of parents are totally unaware of what their children are doing online.  I am convinced that every parent needs to buckle up and take themselves a hard core online safety course.

Well, Bing has come out with a new, safe way to search in the classroom.  Bing in the Classroom removes annoying ads and blocks any searches being used for personal advertising through the school's network.  That means that my students can have an ad free, distracted free search and can focus more fully on the work ahead of them.  Bing offers this ad free search for all schools which also includes "strict filters for adult content and enhanced privacy protection." (Trust me, any distractions I can take away from seventeen year olds on a computer, the better.)

It is amazing to see how much more students can do today than even I could when I was in high school ten years ago.  So much of this is due to the internet- teenagers are exposed to a constant wealth of information and knowledge.  Unfortunately, they don't always know how to wade through this info and this is why I love Bing in the Classroom for taking away the ads and the distractions to make it that much easier for students.  (This ad free searching is only available through a school network.)

You can support Bing in the Classroom by visiting the Bing For Classrooms Show Support Page.  You can also sign up for Bing rewards to start supporting schools right away.  Instructions to sign up for Bing rewards are pasted below:

"To begin supporting schools with Bing rewards, simply visit this page and select “Find your school” map in the lower right corner of the page. 

Next, enter your school’s zip code and select the name of your school via the dropdown menu and select “Find”. 

From here, select the “Support Your School” section and click on the “Try it now, FREE!” section. You’ll be prompted to create a Microsoft account, or sign in with your Facebook account. All you have to do is stay signed in as you search with Bing to earn credits."

Today's post is sponsored by Bing and #adfreesearch.  Please and thank you.

To Mother

This year I am a "mother in waiting", so Mother's Day yesterday triggered a lot of thoughts about what it means to be a mother.

I always love seeing everybody's posts on social media about how awesome their moms are.  I think it's very sweet.  I am aware, though, of how hard the day is for some... friends who have lost their moms, friends who will never be moms in this life, friends who recently lost a child or a pregnancy or can't get pregnant.  For those, the day is, no doubt, marred by sadness.

I have one literal "mother", but if I look at the word as a verb, there are countless people who have "mothered" me over the years.  I like to think of the term mother as more of a verb than a noun, putting it more as a celebration for everyone, regardless of one's technical "mother" status. A celebration of all the people who have in some way taught us, loved us, cared for us, looked out for us, helped us, protected us, shown us kindness.

Because that's what it means to be a mother.

I'm grateful for how my mom mothered me when she told me stop being "caddy" in high school and be nice to other girls.  I'm grateful that she taught me the incredible power of a strong female relationship.

I'm grateful for my mother in law who taught me to keep the pit in an avocado to keep it fresh, and how to check asparagus for where it is tender.

I'm grateful for my dad who mothered me when I wrecked the station wagon my senior year of high school and he made me go out every Saturday afternoon in the garage with him and together we learned how to repair the old thing.

I'm grateful for my father in law who mothers me when he changes the oil in my car and helps me pay for new break pads and asks how the tread on my tires is doing.

I'm grateful for my friend who mothered me when she sent me a cute little baby outfit in the mail last week.

I'm grateful for my AP Literature teacher in high school who mothered me when he taught me about the power of literature, of story telling, of a good teacher.  I'm grateful for his example and the inspiration he was to me to go into the teaching field.

I'm grateful for my friend who mothered me when she picked me up from the dentist after I got my wisdom teeth taken out and changed the bloody gauze in my mouth for me.

I'm grateful for the teacher across the hall who mothered me throughout all of December when hardly anyone knew I was pregnant yet, and I felt so sick I could barely teach.  She popped her head in my room every morning to make sure I was feeling okay and brought me little gifts to keep me going.

I'm grateful for my sister who mothered me when she told me she didn't think it was a good idea for me to go to Russia eight months pregnant.

I'm grateful for my husband who mothered me when I got in a car wreck in California last month, and he called every six minutes to make sure I was still okay.

I'm grateful for the coworker from my old school who just emailed telling me there is a recent theater job opening that my husband might be interested in if he hasn't already been hired.

I'm grateful for my grandma who mothered me by teaching me to touch a boy's elbow if I'm interested in him, and to always smile a lot on first dates if I ever want to see a second date.

I'm grateful to my brother who mothered me when he picked me up from the airport right on time, threw my suitcases in the car, and sped home so I could make a wedding in the nick of time.

I'm grateful for my roommate who mothered me by scratching my back and listening to me cry after my dad died.

I'm grateful for my mission companion who mothered me when she made me an egg and green pepper sandwich every morning and straightened my shoes at night.

When I stop to think about it, I have had so many mothers in my life, people who have come in and out, shown me love, shown me kindness, taught me.  Thank you to all.  May I be as good as a mother to others as they have been for me.

You wanna see my house?

Well, well, well.  Looks like the folks at Kleenex recently wised up to something.

You see, people don't like ugly tissue boxes sitting around their houses.  So we stash them in corners and bathrooms and purses.  Now, maybe, just maybe, if I could get a Kleenex box that was well styled and looked more like decoration than tissue...THEN I'd set the Kleenex out in the open where anyone can enjoy it.

Both Greg and I have allergies in a bad way this time of year.  With the new design of Kleenex boxes, it is SO nice that we can have a convenient little tissue box in every room of the house without looking like some invalid's diseased home.

Check out all their new designs here.  There are enough colors and designs to match any room in your home.  You will love it!

^^ A red, floral print to bring out the red in our front room.

^^ Or, a black one to match the couches.  (For another great black option, I love the black and white animal print found here.)

^^ Can you see the tissue box?  It's a cylinder!  You can hardly even tell that it's Kleenex!  I told you, they wised up!

^^ I love both the lighter blue stripes seen in the first pictures and this darker blue with gold for our bedroom.  Both work perfectly and aren't overbearing or obnoxious.

The new Kleenex boxes are found at any major retailer where Kleenex are sold.  Make sure to click here to check out the designs and find the perfect one for you before you hit the stores!  (There's even a style finder quiz- you know we all have our own unique Kleenex style!)

Thank you to Kleenex for sponsoring today's post.

The state of the union address: AP style

Today my students took their AP Literature test.  The test started at 8 am downstairs in the school's tech atrium.

I was a nervous wreck.

Ten minutes before the test started, I bailed out of my first period junior class to check on my AP kids.  I was afraid they'd be nervous or scared or lost or alone.  You know, babies in the wilderness or something. I rushed down there, imagining all sorts of absurd possibilities, and there they all were, the whole freaking gang of nine of them, just sitting at their tables, waiting for the test to start.  They looked strangely chipper for being about to embark on a 3 hour test that consists of 55 multiple choice questions and three essays.  It broke my heart the way I imagine it would when a mom sends her boy off to college.  All grown up now.  Don't need their teacher anymore.

"Any last words you have for them, Mrs. Larsen?" The counselor asked.

Yes, actually, I thought.  Tons.
Carpe diem!
Read the prompt thoroughly!
Return with honor!
Pace yourselves!
Remember who you are!
No matter what happens I'll always love you!
You're all winners!

But I didn't say any of that because none of that really means anything when you're staring a three hour test in the face.

Instead I said, "I'm just so glad no one slept in." And I found my way back upstairs.

All morning I thought about those kids.  Teaching AP Lit this year has been an extremely rewarding and humbling experience.  I did not feel at all prepared or qualified to teach it. The AP Lit class at my school has always been small, and when I agreed to teach it last spring I had no idea what a struggling program it was.  In August I looked at my roll and was shocked to see only eight kids in the class.  During the course of the year we lost one kid and picked up two and by the time we arrived to today, May 8, we were nine.

All nine of the kids in the class took the test.  I don't know that all nine will pass.  But they all took it.  And that's something I'm extremely proud of.  At an AP conference I went to in October the presenter said how important it is to encourage students to take the test, regardless of whether you think they will pass or not.  He said that on a college application a student who has taken an AP class, and taken the test and failed it shows much more character and resilience than a student who took the class but never took the test.  A student who failed the test shows tenacity, shows a willingness to fight, to see the thing through even in the face of failure.  A student who takes the class but not the test shows someone who gave up.

And that's why no matter if they pass or fail, I'm just so darn proud of them for going through with it.  For paying the $92, for waking up early, for stressing all through March and April for their test and arriving here to May 8, to tackle the thing head on.  I'm especially proud of my girl who gets so nervous on her practice essays that half the time she doesn't write them at all.  I'm especially proud of my boy who took and failed two AP tests last year, but is here again this year, giving it another go.  None of these kids come from very wealthy or privileged families and the fact that all nine of them were in there this morning, smiling and staring back at me almost made me want to just sit right there and cry.

I normally teach the AP class from 11:30-1:00.  Their test today was scheduled to go until about noon.  I sat in my room, during the regular scheduled AP time and didn't know what to do with myself.  I had commanded them all to check in with me right after the test to tell me how it went.  So I looked at the clock and looked at the door and tried to keep my mind occupied by online shopping.  (I also broke my May goal of not making unnecessary purchases.  And so it goes.)

At about 11:45 the six girls poked their heads in. (The three boys, interestingly enough, had hightailed it out of the school.  Can't say I blame them.)  They said it was easier than they thought!  Multiple choice was a piece of cake.  They sailed through it.  The essays were a breeze!

I breathed a sigh of relief in that moment that I didn't know I had been keeping for the past four hours.  I wanted to cry again.  Gosh I just felt so stinkin proud of them.  Manhandling that test like the true champions they are.  We talked for about 20 minutes and they told me every single thing they could remember about the test before they begged me to let them go get some lunch already.  They filed out and as they left I felt happy but also sad.  So sad.

Next year I am not teaching AP Literature.  My school cut the class.  There weren't enough students enrolled- 15 were signed up to take it and my principal said he needed at least 20-25 students per class to carry it for next year.  When I asked him if I could go part time next year he said that the AP Lit class would likely be affected, that with less class periods being taught he would have to "trim the fat."  AP Literature= fat.  AP Lit competes with both AP Language and English 1010 for senior English credits, both classes that are taught by fabulous teachers.  AP Lit just isn't strong enough to stand on its own two legs.

I can't help feel a little bit like a failure for not being able to keep the AP Lit program running.  I am passionate about literature and believe strongly in the power of the class- the power of stories, of novels, the study of people from all different cultures, times, places.  But I couldn't keep it going.  Colleges are giving less and less credit for AP Lit now as literature gets pushed out of states' curriculum for nonfiction reading and argumentative writing.  I guess literature isn't practical enough.  I understand but I don't understand too.

Naturally I wonder if I weren't going part time if I would have been able to convince my principal to keep the class.  If I could have saved it.  If it was something I did wrong, some way that I didn't teach it good enough, that I didn't give enough, that I didn't try hard enough to recruit students to take the class for next year.  It was hard to not feel guilty as I looked at my nine worn out AP students late this morning, tired, but so proud for their efforts.  One girl said, "I heard you're not teaching this class next year?  Why not?"  I tried to explain it to them, and as I tried I realized that I didn't even really know except for schools get money and you can only do what money will let you.  Plain and simple, not enough students signed up for the class.

I had felt kind of okay about the death of AP Literature at my school until today.  But when those girls came back up to tell me about the test and I could see the physical relief in their shoulders and the look of prideful accomplishment in their eyes, I knew I had to keep fighting for the class.  I knew that it has value and worth and that it is important to offer at the school.  I knew that I was capable of teaching it.  It might not happen for next year, but gosh, I'm going to find a way to make sure that this is not a permanent death for AP Literature.

Just a short nap.

Let's do this, third trimester.

29 weeks.  6 1/2 months.

Dress:  F21, Cardigan: Gap, Undertee: H&M, Necklace: Mia Earrings (Use code lifeofbon20 for 20% off), shoes: Gap

There's a mad shadow on the wall and somehow a basket filled to the brim with shoes made it into these "fashion" pictures, but these days I'm just not being too picky about what the pictures of me wearing clothes look like.  Oh, and ignore the heavy black leggings I'm wearing underneath my sheer, bright sundress.  Students get to see way too much of my legs if I try to sport that dress otherwise. Pervs.

Someone somewhere decided that they were going to divide a pregnancy up into three stages.  My guess is that person was a man.  Trimesters just don't make sense.  To start with, a pregnancy is 40 weeks and 40 weeks does not divide evenly into three.  Around the world people are confused.  When does the first trimester end?  When does the third trimester begin? 26 weeks?  No, 28!  How about 26 and 2/3 weeks?  (And how do you get 2/3 of a week... I mean, how many days is that?!?)

Yes.  It was definitely a man who invented pregnancy trimesters.  That, or the 14 year old boys that write the pregnancy websites.

I've done a little bit of thought.  Pregnancy should really be divided up into quarters.  40 divides by 4 a heckuva lot easier than it does by 3, I'll tell you that much.

Quarter 1:  Through 10 weeks:  This is the "I can't get out of bed and I feel sick every single day" quarter.  It's a real gem, quarter one.
Quarter 2:  11-20 weeks: This is also known as the "You look fat, but not pregnant stage."  It's a very ambiguous time.
Quarter 3: 21-30 weeks:  The "pregnancy is fun" stage!  You look definitely pregnant! But still cute!  You feel great.  Your husband gives you lots of massages!
Quarter 4: 31-40 weeks:  The miserable stage....?!  I don't know.  I've only heard rumors.

See?  My system makes a lot more sense.

In other news, a student misspelled his own name on his paper today.  It's May 7, 2014 and I am officially giving up for the rest of the year.

56 ways you know you went to BYU...

1.  You got stoked every time you were off campus and you could get a "real" coke- you know, one with caffeine.

2.  Your significant other stopped kissing you at midnight because they had to go home.  If they didn't, your roommates would surely rat you out.

3.  You often waited in line for over an hour... to take a test.

4.  If you are a boy, you weren't allowed to take said test because you forgot to shave your face that morning.

5.  If you are a girl, you weren't allowed to take a test because you were wearing leggings.

6.  You had a crush on your EQP or RSP.

7.  You know what EQP and RSP mean.

8.  Your Book of Mormon class was one of the hardest classes you ever took.

9.  On Friday night you camped out in line three or four hours to see a Divine Comedy show.  And loved every minute of it.

10.  Your favorite sport was ultimate frisbee.  A close second was crab soccer.

11.  The biggest scandals reported in the "Campus Beat" crime section of the newspaper involved freshman premies throwing water balloons off of their dorm building.

12.  You know what a premie is.

13.  You know someone who got engaged and married in four months.

14.  You got engaged and married in four months.

15. Every year you had a new set of friends because the old ones got married.

16. All the guys you knew sold security or bug control in the summer and impressed the girls with their tales of making $100k in just four months.

17. You didn't think twice when a kid added a scripture reference to his comment in Chemistry class.

18. Landlords could charge an arm and a leg for the housing you lived in because it was "BYU approved."

19. You were embarrassed to say your age if you were over 22 and single.

20. You took American Heritage twice.  Okay fine.  Three times.

21. Half of the time you went to the library to study and the other half of the time it was to find a date.

22. You know who B-Money is.

23. You never saw a girl's thighs or shoulders on campus.

24. You know what the term "V.L" means.

25. You hiked "the Y" with a bunch of single and over ambitious people your age and hated every second of it.  But you pretended you liked it.

26. When you hear the word marriage, you think of it as an option for a possible major.

27. You pull an all nighter... to study.

28. It wasn't uncommon to have a girl in class with her baby.

29. You bailed on FHE and watched The Bachelor instead, but then got a guilt trip from your roommate about it.

30. You made the mistake of trying to go to a store or restaurant on campus on a Tuesday at 11:00 am and hated yourself for it.

31. You attended more bridal showers than birthday parties.

32. After trying to flirt with them for half an hour, you notice the good looking person sitting next to you in the WILK has a wedding ring on.

33. You spent time kissing your significant other at the bells on campus.  Or when it got real hot and steamy, squaw peak.

34. You saw a lot of mom jeans and braided belts.

35. Every morning you cursed the stairs on 800 north that went up to campus.

36. You thought nothing of starting class with a prayer.

37. You followed someone walking to their car so that you could get their parking spot.  Or better yet, you gave them a ride.  Good Samaritan!

38. You know and understand the term "NCMO."  Maybe a little too well.

39. You were one of the brightest students in your high school and now you can't score above a 70% on anything.

40. You love all your fellow men.  Unless they go to the U.  Then they need to stay the hell away from you.

41. You laughed at the above point, but then felt guilty because it has the word "hell" in it.

42. You occasionally saw members of the Renaissance club wearing robes and wielding swords on the lawn and thought nothing of it.

43. You often saw boys trying to seduce girls by playing their guitar and singing for them.

44. You believed (and still believe) that Jimmer is a verb.

45. You went to a "creamery" to do your grocery shopping.

46. You called you professor "Brother Davis" instead of "Mr. Davis."

47. You tried not to stare when you saw a black person on campus.

48. Nearby apartment complexes offered a "marriage guarantee."

49. Every spring you got ready for your interview to see if you were following all the rules and could still go to BYU for the next year.

50. You had your car towed on numerous occasions.  Once it was towed when you only ran in somewhere for 15 minutes.

51. The only people who lived in the same building as you were your same gender.

52. You went to a lot of parties on weekends, but there wasn't ever any alcohol there.

53. People napping in the hallways was common.  Couples napping and cuddling in the hallways was also common.

54. Your roommate told you they scored an 85% on the test that you scored an 83% on, and you suddenly felt insanely jealous and competitive.

55. You attended the festival of colors and then immediately changed your facebook profile picture to a shot with you covered in chalk.

56. You didn't consider yourself in a legit relationship until you had properly DTRed it.

(If you went to BYU go, go to BYU, or can relate to any of this post, please share!)

Terror and Trust: Going off the pill

Pictures taken the night we found out we were expecting a baby.

I started blogging because I like stories.  I like to listen to stories and tell stories and read stories.

So here's a story.

In June of last year, Greg and I were enjoying a few days at my family's cabin.  The day before we had found out that we had been scammed out of $1200.  After two days at the cabin we would drive straight to Boise to board a plane to go to Hawaii.  I was supposed to be excited, but mostly I was stressed.  Losing $1200 will do that to even the most calm of people.

The few days in the mountains were a necessary reprieve for us.  We left the heat, stress, the craziness of the city where it belonged and fled to the cabin.  We had lost $1200, yes, but it seemed to matter less at the cabin.  There were long, late breakfasts and afternoons of tennis.  Campfires and card games.  Naps and barbeques.  The world seemed to slow down for a few days so we could catch our breath and re examine what was really important.

All of my siblings but one were there. (We missed you, Mindy!)  All of my siblings except for my little sister have kids.  There were children everywhere.  In the garage and in the loft.  On the fourwheelers and on the swingset.  Running on the tennis court and crying for dinner.

Greg loves children and he wore himself out playing with my nieces and nephews.  He worked tirelessly to win their affection.  He played and joked and told stories to beat the band.

Our last night at the cabin, Greg and I sat on the swinging chair on the front deck.  It was almost dinner time.  Inside there was the usual commotion of preparing a meal and hungry children.  Outside the weather was perfect.  There was a slight breeze and the heat of the day was wearing off.  The sun was lowering in the sky.

"Bonnie," said Greg as we swung, "I want my own kids."

"I know you do, sweetie," I replied.  "You will make a great father someday."

"Bon, I'm not talking about someday."

I was taken aback.  "What does that mean?"

"I'm talking about now.  I'm talking about trying now.  Not waiting any longer."

I resisted.  "You said we wouldn't have kids until we've been married three or four years."

"We've been married two and a half.  If we start trying now by the time we have a kid it will be three to four years."

"Now?"

"Now, Bonnie.  I'm tired of playing with someone else's kids. I want my own.  I want to be the parent."

I searched for reasons not to.  Selfish reasons came to my head- we hadn't been back to visit his mission in Russia yet, we didn't have enough money saved yet, I didn't want to be tied down yet, I didn't want to get fat yet.

"Bonnie!  Greg!  Come in for dinner!"  My brother shouted out to us.

"Greg," I tried to protest, "I'm just so scared.  I'm not ready."

"And that's fine," he said.  "You don't have to be ready yet.  But know that I am."

"How can you be ready?  Our life is a mess.  We have nothing figured out."

"Maybe this will help us figure it out."

"I feel like that's a terrible reason to have a baby."

"Maybe.  Maybe not."

I sat in silence for a minute, letting the proposal sink in.  I had thought we would wait at least another year to start trying.  Suddenly every "someday" in my life felt immediate, pressing, urgent.

"Just think about it,"  Greg said.  "I don't expect your decision right away, I just want to plant the idea in your head.  Just know that I'm ready whenever you are."

"Bonnie!  Greg!  Come on!  We're all waiting for you!"  My mom was yelling for us this time.

We left the conversation there, to settle in with the swing and sagebrush and setting sun.

We went inside.  Someone said a prayer on the food.  Greg squeezed my hand three times, our secret code.  I. Love. You.

For the next few days I let the idea float around in my head.  Could I be ready now to have a baby?  Could I be ready in nine months?  Eleven?  A year?

We spent one more day at the cabin and I didn't say a word about it.  On Saturday we made a 6 1/2 hour drive up to Boise.  That night we went out to dinner.  Neither of us mentioned it, but I could tell by the look on Greg's face that it was constantly on his mind.  He had a certain sparkle in his eye, a certain mischief.

Sunday morning our flight was delayed.  Greg wanted to watch ESPN in our hotel room.  I was antsy as can be.  I knew with a six hour flight coming up that the last thing I could do was sit in a room.  So I went for a walk.  Toured the great city of Boise.

I let the thought fly around up there along with the other thoughts that are constantly swirling around like what kind of gas mileage are we getting and what are we eating for dinner?   I tried to come up with some substantial, good reasons to keep waiting.  But I really couldn't come up with much.  My 27th birthday was a week away... even if we started trying now I'd be 28 by the time I had my first child.  A few of my siblings have had trouble getting pregnant.  What if we couldn't get pregnant?  What if it were a three year process and then I was 31 by the time I had my first child and it took four years to get pregnant with another.  I was possibly limiting the number of children I'd be able to have, and for what reason?  Because 27 seemed too young to start trying?  Because I liked my schedule of teaching, blogging, and eating limitless amounts of guacamole?

And so I decided.  Just like that.  I just didn't have any reason not to, and it may be a weird reason to decide to get pregnant, but for me it was enough.  I don't know that I would have ever been the type of person to get 100% stoked and high on life thinking about babies.  I was never going to be so ready for kids that I was doing cartwheels.  I'm just not the type.  But when I thought about it that Sunday morning, strolling the streets of Boise, I felt peace.  And that was enough.

On our plane ride to Hawaii I whispered to Greg that I was willing to start trying.  He didn't stop smiling the rest of the way over there.

Now, almost a full year later, the doctor tells me that there is indeed a baby growing inside of me and that in approximately 12 weeks this baby will force herself out of me, with or without my consent.  I can not keep that baby in, no matter what I do.

I admit that the thought terrifies me.  I am one of the few pregnant people I know who wishes that pregnancy could go longer than 40 weeks.  I enjoy playing tennis whenever I want, reading on my balcony alone, indulging in long hot bubble baths.  I love teaching, I love snuggling in bed with my husband, I love sleeping in on Saturdays.  In three months that will all be gone, given up and thrown to the wind.

I don't think I'm ready to have a baby.  I don't have a crib set up and I know nothing about breastfeeding and the only birth plan I have is EPIDURAL NOW.  Sometimes I almost feel guilty for this, I look at other moms and how excited they are to have their children and wonder if I'm missing some womanly link.  Why aren't I as anxious as they are to meet their baby right this second?  Why do I want to hang on to my non-mother life just a little longer?  At lunch the other day a teacher started telling me that I can take castor oil and have my baby come two weeks early.  I opened my eyes wide and thought to myself, "Why in the world would I want her two weeks early?!  I'm going to have her for the rest of my life!"

Going off of birth control was honestly the most terrifying decision I have ever made.  I think back to that conversation on the swing though, the earnestness in Greg's eyes, his pleading.  I remember his excitement on the plane, how he kissed me hard and said, "WHAT?!" when I told him I was willing to try.  I remember that morning walk in Boise and the peace.  The absolute peace.

And the truth is that I do know I'll love it, despite the fear.  Fear has been the precursor to every good decision I have ever made in my life.  It preceded my moving to college, my mission, my marriage, my teaching career.  I don't know if Heavenly Father has ever showered me more abundantly with blessings than when I have been trembling with fear.

So I suppose I'll sit here, shaking in my boots and scared to death, and say... bring it on.

But please.  Let her come at least a week late.

---

Today I've got my friend Jessica who wants to tell you about a product that she is passionate about, Plexus.  Plexus was originally developed to help diabetics regulate glucose levels, but when users started losing weight and cholesterol levels dropped, it became marketed as a weight loss supplement. Plexus Slim helps keep blood sugar, cholesterol, and lipids at healthy levels. Plexus reduces appetite, cravings for carbs, sugar, and junk food, and reduces binge eating.  It’s so simple no shakes or special food needed. Just take one packet of Plexus Slim (kind of like a crystal light single-serving packet), mix with water, drink in the morning, and go on about your day! There is also an optional once (or twice) a day accelerator capsule that you can take for that extra boost of energy and a kick-start to your weight loss.  Plexus is so confident that you will fall in love with their product that they offer a 60-DAY MONEY BACK GUARANTEE, no questions asked!  For those of you who are interested and want to experience the benefits of Plexus Slim, I have a 3-day trial of Plexus Slim giveaway! Whoever is chosen will receive the choice of a Slim Trial or a Slim and Accelerator Trial!

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April + May goals

I took this picture all by myself.

I've come a long way with my photography skills.

Be proud.

I know it's cliche, but freak, I can't believe April is over.  April and May are always the two months that speed by the fastest for me.  One second it's April Fool Days and the next moment I'm chaperoning graduation.  I think it's because I wait and wait and wait for spring and then when it's finally here, I'm just so dang excited that before I even realize what has happened it's gone already.

Today it's time to analyze some April goals.  This year, instead of making New Year's resolutions I set one main goal for each month.  The idea is that by focusing on one thing, I would be more successful.  The idea is more or less stolen from The Happiness Project. (Full post here.)  

Here's what I wrote about April's goals:

APRIL:  FOCUS ON FAITH
I try to make God a part of my daily life, but sometimes it all just gets so hustley and bustley that I feel like He about dang near gets crowded out completely.  In April I want to spend more time contemplating the spiritual and developing deeper connections with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

Sub goals:
- 30 minutes of "quiet time" a day- time to read scriptures, ponder, and write down spiritual impressions.  Tell Greg my plan so he is not trying to distract me while I am working on this.
- Attend the temple every week in April.
- Deeper focus during prayers.
- Be patient and loving.  Pray for help throughout the day when I feel like I am lacking.

How I did:

In the overall category, I felt like I did well.  I spent more time "contemplating the spiritual" and I felt God helping me in so many ways.  This month I kind of felt like God just put all the pieces of my life together for me.  Not that he made everything perfect, but that He showed me again that He is there and I can stop stressing now.  He's in control.  So yah.  I consider the month a success.

As far as sub goals go, I was about half and half.  I did go to the temple every week in April.  It was pretty amazing for me to see that increased spirituality.  I feel closer to God in the temple than any other place and I needed that extra assurance and love from Him this month.  (See this post on temples.)  I did better with more focused prayers and with being more patient and loving.  (I adopted a motto from The Happiness Project:  "Act the way you want to feel."  I repeated it to myself when I felt frustrated or annoyed with a situation or a person and it seriously helped so much.)

The only thing I didn't do well on was the thirty minutes of "quiet time" a day.  I really didn't make it a priority and if I'm being honest I probably got anywhere from 5-10 minutes of quiet time a day.  Not enough.  I started the New Testament and read the book of Matthew and in to Mark as well as listened to lots of LDS general conference talks while I walked my dog, but it didn't have quite the same feel as sitting down and pondering the scriptures.  Something to work on for next time.  

And now, on to next month!

MAY:  SAVE
Greg and I will likely have some big expenses coming up (June's goal is to go to Europe! July's goal is to push a baby out of me!) so I want May to be a month of absolute loyalty to my bank account.  No spending other than what is absolutely necessary- gas, groceries, etc.  It's only for a month.  I can do it.

Confession:  I bought a maternity swimsuit on Saturday and already broke my "absolutely necessary" rule.  But come on, "absolutely necessary" is all so relative anyway, isn't it?  I only bought the top, I told myself I already had bottoms that would work, and I did get it 10% off because there was some make up on it.  I bought it at Target so it only ended up being $23.... given I am planning on pretty much living in the pool the next few months I'd say it was absolutely necessary.

But no more spending for the rest of the month!  I am a big enough dork that I strangely really get into it when I make myself not spend like this.  I can be a real freaking miser when I want to be.

Update on other goals:

January:  Grow my blog

February: Write a book

March: Be a better wife

I am working extra hard on my blog and have seen growth every month... I'm hoping to hit a major milestone in May and get 100,000 pageviews for the month.  In April I worked on my book less as I took over my classes again and went out of state twice.  There just wasn't any time!  But I attended a fabulous writer's conference and my new goal is to just write 15 minutes a day.  If I can do that then I can keep my momentum and keep the book alive. I am still working hard on the being a better wife thing... I try to be super supportive of Greg and always speak highly of him in public.  I also gave him a hot stone massage last week for no reason other than to show him I love him...  He was very doubtful when I pulled out the burning hot rocks, but then he loved it so that's a win!

I would love to hear about any goals you are working on.  Share with me so that I don't feel like the only loser who doesn't quite follow through on all of mine!

Oh, P.S. totally irrelevant to any goal "topic" but still something that I am working on- I have set a new rule for myself that I can't be on my phone after 10:00 pm on weeknights.  I have been annoyed lately with how late I've been going to bed and how much time I have wasted on my phone.  I go to bed around 10:30 or so, but then I realized I just fart around on my phone for an hour.  It takes away from scripture reading time or snuggling time with Greg or even just reading my favorite book.  So no more phone for me after 10:00.  I'll let you know how it goes!

I'm also working on responding to emails within 48 hours... we'll see how that goes.

The 26 secrets to life

26 SECRETS OF LIFE

1.  If you don't have time to take a shower, you can put on deodorant, spray some perfume and spray dry shampoo in your hair.  This can work for up to four days.  After that you're just gross.

2.  If you don't have time to wash your clothes, you can run a fabric softener sheet all over them.  VOILA!  Your clothes smell like they just came out of the dryer.

3.  When your house is clean you feel less stressed.

4.  Everybody has done something they are less than proud of.  Judge lightly.  Unless they keep doing it over and over and over.  Then you can judge however you feel like.

5.  Once you become an adult you can eat whatever you want and nobody gets mad at you, it's so great!  But your body feels like crap when you do that so do it sparingly.

6.  Remember people's birthdays.

7.  To be a good conversationalist (or a good friend!) ask questions. Remember what people have told you (i.e. "I'm nervous for a test coming up) and ask them about it next time you see them.

8.  Ice cream fixes most problems.

9.  Talk slowly when you are in an argument.

10.  Don't make fun of people if they dance funny.  It's just rude.

11.  There will always be one cousin/aunt/co-worker/neighbor who offends you.  Start expecting it and you won't feel offended every time.  Or better yet, tell yourself everytime they say something rude you get to buy a new pair of shoes.  You'll start looking forward to the insults!

12.  Exercise can suck while you're doing it, but it feels good after.

13.  Nobody's life is really like the movies.

14.  Plans change.  That's okay.  Abandon that which no longer serves you.  Be willing to be flexible and see other paths than the one you originally planned on.

15.  If you can't remember somebody's name just ask them.  And then think about their name for seven seconds after they tell it to you.  You won't forget again.

16.  If you don't do the dishes tonight, they're still there tomorrow.  They don't do themselves.

17.  People like you if you like them.

18.  Everybody vomits at some point in their life.  It's to keep us humble and totally grossed out by the food that we eat.

19.  People don't notice your mistakes as much as you think.  (Stolen from The Happiness Project.)

20.  If you don't feel like cooking because you are stressed and overwhelmed, pizzas are only $10.

21.  If you don't take the garbage out it will smell.  Inevitably.

22.  Don't invest too much time, energy, and passion into things you have no absolutely no control over.  Like professional sports teams or how tall you are.

23.  If you can do something in less than 60 seconds, do it now and not later.  This means hanging up your shirt, returning a text, loading your plate.

24.  Give people the benefit of the doubt.

25.  Don't flake on people.  If you make plans, stick to them.  You can cancel/ rearrange once and after that it's just rude.

26.  When you realize you know nothing about life, start making up the secrets of life to dish out to strangers and suddenly you will start to realize you know more than you think you do.

WHAT'S YOUR LIFE SECRET?  The best life secrets will be highlighted on Monday's post with a link to your bloggy blog!

Excerpts of post originally published May 2013.

What I have learned from criticism

Having a blog is weird.

Five days a week I open up my life to the eyes of perfect strangers.  Anyone in world who wants to can read what I think, what I love, what I fear.  Isn't that just about the weirdest, stupidest thing you've ever heard of?  And yet I keep doing it.  Day in and day out, I allow my most private doings to be publicized.

With living a "public" life, comes a certain amount of criticism.  It makes sense that some will disapprove of what I say or think or do and criticize me for it.

There are a couple of lines that I often hear in regards to negative blog comments that I used to believe that I don't anymore. The first line is, "Don't worry about what that person said!  They are just a jealous hater."  I used to find comfort in hearing this, but I don't anymore.  Mostly because it's not true. I don't think that anyone who criticizes is automatically "jealous."  I realized that disregarding any negative comment as just being some "negative hater" didn't allow me to progress or grow at all.  It mostly just fed my own narcissim.  "She doesn't like me?  She's jealous!"  No.  She doesn't like me because I said something offensive, was insensitive in my blog post, or did something I shouldn't have.

The second line that I don't believe anymore is, "If someone doesn't like your blog they should just click out of it!  Why leave a negative comment?  Just go away and don't visit anymore!"  I get that idea to some extent, but at the same time, how am I ever going to improve if no one ever gives me suggestions for improvement?  A huge part of my job as a teacher involves my principal observing my teaching and then giving me critical feedback.  Also known as... criticism!  Shouldn't I welcome criticism in my blogging profession as well?  (Given, my principal is much more kind with his criticism than many blog and gomi commenters.)  I also think there can be people who like many parts of my blog, but are maybe bothered or offended by one aspect of it.  That doesn't mean they should just "go away and never come back", but they are welcome to leave honest feedback that they believe would make them enjoy the blog more.

Of course there are limits.  Not all criticism is healthy, and its crucial to be able to discern between the helpful and the hurtful.  Today I'm going to look at how I have dealt with three different types of criticism 1) The ridiculous criticism  2) The offensive and hurtful criticism and 3) The healthy criticism.

(All criticism that I will be talking about today has come comments that readers leave directly on my blog posts, (This post and this post have lots of mean comments. I also kind of deserved them.)  anonymous comments on a site directed toward blog criticism called getoffmyinternets, (abbreviated from here on out as gomi.) and from friends and family.  These three sources are very different, but they have all allowed me to be a better blogger and even a better person.  The criticism from people who love me is the most helpful.  I know these people genuinely care about me and are sincere and concerned when they give feedback.)

THE RIDICULOUS CRITICISM  

HOW I DEAL WITH IT:  LAUGH AT IT

1.  I once wrote a post about how I tricked Greg into letting me cut my hair short.  He likes it long so I gradually cut it shorter and shorter in hopes it wouldn't seem too drastic to him.  An anonymous commenter said about it on gomi,  "And I'm done. I'm not interested in the life of anyone who lets their husband dictate what they can do with their damn hair. Ridiculous."  At first I was hurt by this, but then I realized how little this person knew about my own marriage or the innerworkings of my relationship.  Greg (no offense, babe) dictates very little of what I do.  The comment was absurd and didn't apply.  One nightt my friend, Mandy, was over and she was yelling at the top of her longs in a low, gruff voice "Don't let your husband dictate your damn hair!!!" And we laughed and laughed.

2.  A commenter on gomi once complained that I put a comma in the wrong place.  I laughed.  If that is honestly the worst thing they can think of to complain about, then I guess life is pretty dang good, huh?

3. "Her selfies are seriously unfortunate."  HA!  Ya got me there, I don't take no sexy selfies.  

4. "How does one manage to become an English teacher without ever learning the meaning of the word "fortnight"?"    This is another comment I like to make fun of in stupid voices with my friends.  Usually it's a drawn out British accent, a la Downton Abbey.  "You don't know what fortnight means?!?  My darling, how will you ever get a job?  That is such a useful and common word- oh you must be a true idiot!  What do we do with you?  There's no way you're qualified to teach high school English, why, that's just out of the question!"

5.  A comment about the below picture read:  "this picture is terrifying…I see a woman who is going to eat a baby with a taco salad side and then steal some souls."

My response was to share it with my blog readers and all laugh together.  The comment was hilarious, it deserved a public laughing.  And yes, I will eat your baby if you don't give me my Cafe Rio salad right this second.

THE HURTFUL OR OFFENSIVE CRITICISM
HOW I DEAL WITH IT:  IGNORE IT
1.  "Also, if you really want to rage, read about her mission trip. I'm not religious at all so stories about someone CRYING because the impoverished migrant farmer in Argentina didn't buy your pitch and chose his family and friends over The Mormon Church made me laugh and then cry for humanity."  This comment was extremely hurtful to me.  I poured my heart and soul into my mission..  I don't think any stranger has a right to come in and criticize what I did there or make fun of me for crying while in Argentina.  I don't care if you're religious or not, to me that's just disrespectful.  But no reason to stew on this one.  I had to ignore it and realize that what this person thought of my 18 months in Argentina has no effect on who I am as a person or my life.  Move on.

2.  "I just can't fathom her being a good teacher. The cool teacher that tweets with you and lets you get away with everything? Sure. An actual GOOD teacher who challenges you and helps you grow? I doubt it."  Again, this is the kind of comment that just hurts.  I had to sit and reevaluate for a minute.  It didn't take longer than that minute, though, to realize that the comment wasn't grounded in truth at all.  I don't let my kids get away with everything.  Or anything, for that matter.  I am strict and structured in my classroom.  I watch them like hawks.  I can't say for certainty that I'm successful, but I do try my damndest to challenge them and help them grow.  I do everything I can to keep them engaged.  Students often tell me they enjoy my class and that they learn a lot.  We don't waste time.  I know that I give 100% to my job.  So I can ignore the comment- it has no truth to it.

3.  Some criticism is directed toward my religion or toward Mormons in general.  That is definitely best ignored.  One commenter said something mean about Greg, who certainly never asked to be on my blog.  To me, attacking a blogger's family or religion is disrespectful and tasteless.  BUT.  There's nothing I can do about it.  People are welcome to say whatever tasteless or inappropriate things they feel like, so I have had to learn to just completely ignore comments such as these.


THE HEALTHY CRITICISM
HOW I DEAL WITH IT:  LEARN FROM IT

1.  I have had many commenters on my blog, on gomi, and friends and family who have expressed concern over what I have posted about work/ school.  This is what I get the most concern over, and understandably so.  I have posted stuff that was probably not my right to post.    Because of this criticism I have made changes and have started being extremely careful with what I say about school.  I have never used a student's real name in a post, but I realized that this wasn't good enough and I couldn't tell specific stories about specific students.  I used to post pictures of students on my blog. I have since gotten written permission slips for any student pictures I use, and even now I mostly use old pictures of students who have graduated just to be extra careful.  I don't mention coworkers without permission and when I talk about school, I just have to do it in much more vague or sweeping terms.  I do miss being able to really describe what it is like here in this jungle of a high school, but I realized that it was unfair to my students, their parents, and my coworkers when I wrote about them on my blog like that.  So I stopped.  (This line I still struggle with and probably always will...)

2.  "RARELY, do I see Bonnie using happy and great things about her students. It's usually just complaining."  This comment, while initially biting, was extremely helpful to me.  Mostly because I don't think I complain about my students very much, and if I do, I try to do it in a fun, playful way.  But obviously I wasn't coming off that way.  If I am coming across as someone who hates her students and is just always annoyed with them, then I'm not presenting myself accurately.  I don't think one of my students would say this about me, so this is my own fault that I am writing about them in a way that would make others think that that's how I felt about them.  I still joke and make fun of my students a lot, (some of the gold that comes out of their mouths is too good not to!) but I make more of a concentrated effort to show how much I enjoy teaching.  Because I do.  I absolutely love this job and want to convey that in my writing.

3.  One commenter said somewhere that it made her cringe when I called Greg "Hubs".  I thought about it.   So, for a few posts I started referring to Greg as Greg.  I liked it.  It felt more sincere.  So I sent "hubs" to the curb.  Easy enough.

4.  A very helpful comment was from someone who said that I didn't respond to comments very often.  That person was absolutely right.  I am terrible at responding to all of the above: phone calls, texts, emails, comments, ETC.  I hate this about myself and am trying to be better.  As far as the blog comments go, though, I guess I didn't realize that blog commenters would even care if I had responded or not.  Obviously they did.  I definitely still don't respond to all comments, but I have made a concentrated effort to respond to certain posts, especially ones that are more discussion based.  I also always try to make an effort to respond to direct questions.  I have built great relationships from these responses and have been able to much better connect with my audience.  I am so grateful to that one commenter who took the time to tell me that I need to step it up with my responses.  It has made a huge difference for me.

5.  Probably the most helpful criticism has come from friends and family who have been hurt by how I have portrayed them on my blog.  I have had to realize that the way I see something is not how others see something and that I must be very careful in how I talk about the people who are constantly coming in and out of my life.  I try to represnt all people in the story fairly.  I have learned to ask permission before telling certain stories or posting pictures, especially of my friends' kids.  If I talk specifically about marriage or my relationship with Greg, he has asked me to let him read it first.  There have been times he has read something and then told me he wasn't comfortable posting it.  I learned this only after I had hurt him by posting something that wasn't my right to post.  I once had a friend tell me that she felt like I was using her as "blog fodder".  This was hurtful, and while I didn't think I was doing this, I obviously was making her feel that way.  So I stopped.

There's kind of this idea out there that critics just exist to tear other people down, but I don't believe that at all.  It is through healthy criticism that I feel like I have been able to really progress as a writer, blogger, and even as a human being.  Through learning to accept blog criticism, I have been able to be more open to criticism in general.  I try to not let my first response be to get defensive or immediately start explaining myself.  It's not easy, but it gets easier.

I would love to hear your thoughts on the topic.  Any suggestions/ stories you have about dealing with criticism?  And because I am so good at taking all criticism to heart I WILL be replying to all comments on this post.  Huzzah!

(P.S.  If you agree with or like this post I would love it if you would share it.  THANK YOU!)

What did you do TODAY?

TODAY I beat my best friend in tennis.  The wind was a blowing like crazy and I'm pretty sure it was working to my advantage, but still I beat her. I ain't never complained about winning!  Also, it is getting harder and harder to bend over to pick up tennis balls.

TODAY a senior boy unfolded to me the reason why it is easier to be a girl than a boy.  Everyone in his P.E. class apparently thinks he's an idiot because he has no athletic ability.  Well, if he were a girl than he would be treated normally because "everyone just assumes girls have no athletic ability and it's okay."  He said this with a completely straight face.  In front of the entire class of 40 eighteen year olds.  And how does a teacher respond to a thing like that?

TODAY I had to talk to one of my favorite students who plagiarized his most recent paper.  I always hate those conversations.
"Dude.  I can't give you credit for this paper.  You plagiarized it." I said
"Which part of it is plagiarized?" he asked sincerely.
"The entire article."
"Oh."
I guess he had nothing to say to that.

TODAY Greg cooked a frozen pizza and vacuumed the floor while I tried to teach my dog how to stay with a little piece of Italian sausage.  The moment felt perfect.

TODAY was magic in my fourth period.  The discussion was excellent, the students were engaged and curious, everyone was deeply immersed in the book.  It didn't feel like school gets out in a month and it didn't feel like everyone had senioritis.  It was 30 minutes of fourth period bliss.

(And are all these TODAYs jarring your eyes?  I'm doing an experiment to test some things I learned at my writing conference.)

TODAY I wrote fifteen minutes in my book.  If I can write at least fifteen minutes a day then I am still working toward my goal.

TODAY I had a 20 ounce diet Dr. Pepper at lunch and it was divine.

TODAY I had extra traffic on my blog from a guest post I did over on Helene's blog.  Thanks Helene for having me and welcome new friends!

TODAY I've got Kylie telling every married person out there why they should be glad they're married and making every single person realize they're dating life ain't that bad.  Here with the worst dating story of all time is Kyyyyllllllie!

Hey guys! I'm Kylie and I blog over at Kylie Gwen. I'm super excited to get the chance to be here on Bonnie's blog today! I figured I could spend time introducing myself but when I thought about it I realized a disastrous dating story will always be more entertaining. 

I'm sure by now you have all heard of a little app called Tinder. It's basically a newer improved version of "hot or not". Swipe right if you're interested, swipe left if you're not. I'm guilty of using this app, even though it immediately got deleted after it provided me with this gem of a guy. It was back in December. We started talking and I agreed to a date. He seemed normal. Key word being seemed. We had plans to go to dinner and a movie. Even though I'm not a fan of a movie on a first date I decided I had nothing to lose.

This date happened to fall on the biggest snow storm we had had all year. We're talking snowing for hours, 6 inches on the roads, you probably shouldn't go anywhere cause you'll probably die, snow storm. He picked me up and we headed to dinner. I'll be honest, it was one of those dates that was awkward from start to finish. The whole thing was pretty much doomed from the start. We got to dinner and he wasn't super talkative. He wasn't completely quiet but quiet enough that I had to continually come up with conversation topics to the point that it was anything but a naturally flowing conversation. 

We ordered and it wasn't less than 2 minutes later I looked over and saw my aunt, uncle, and cousins across the restaurant. I was actually relieved to see them because it gave me a slight distraction from the impending awkwardness at my table. We got our food and he barely ate any of his sandwich. We're talking he maybe took two bites and I'm sorry but if you're going to put an Applebee's oriental chicken salad in front of this girl, girl's gonna eat. He basically sat there and just stared at me while I downed my salad. Normally, I would've been super self conscious and all but at this point I had kind of already realized that this date was just not happenin'. A few minutes later our waiter came over and told us that someone had paid for our dinner. It was obviously my uncle. My date didn't say two words about it. At. All. It kind of shocked me. We were getting ready to leave and he didn't want to take his practically untouched meal home with him (I'm a big believer in doggy bags haha) and he didn't even think about leaving a tip. I mentioned something about leaving a tip and he just kinda stared at me. I wasn't about to leave without acknowledging the decent service we got so I grabbed cash out of my wallet and left it on the table. End dinner scene. 

We got in the car and I figured we would be on our way to a movie. I asked him what movie we were going to and it was then that he informed me we'd actually just be going to his house to watch a movie (he still lived at home). I was in shock and didn't know what to say because when he asked me out he specifically said we would go see a movie in theaters. He lived across the valley from me which made for a scary drive in the snow and I was sure I was going to die. Part of me was wishing we'd get in a fender bender so that this date could end right then and there. That's how incredibly uncomfortable this date was. Little did I know how much more awkward it would get in the next half hour. 

We got to his parents house and we went into the TV room. His mom and dad were cuddled up on the couch watching the old school Rudolph movie. So what did we do until their movie was over? We stood in the room awkwardly. We're talking 15 minutes of just standing there hovering over his parents. I can't even express the level of awkward at this point in the night. 

Their movie finally got over and they got up and left the room. I asked him what movie we were going to watch and he told me he was super laid back and didn't care and that I should pick. I was trying to be nice and asked his opinion on movies while trying to pick one out. They had a stack of Christmas movies sitting there and I figured this was a good way to go. I instantly snatched them up, started flipping them over, and looking for that microscopic number that told me just how much longer I'd have to be there. Yes, I was basing my decision off of how many minutes the movies were. I was trying to decide quickly and chose How The Grinch Stole Christmas, the one with Jim Carrey. He looked at me and then informed me that, "well, I don't like that movie." So, I picked another Christmas movie. He proceeded to do that to all three movies I picked. I finally told him to decide. You know what he picked?  The Lake House.

Unfortunately the story doesn't end there. It also unfortunately didn't end after he dropped me off that night either. If you're interested in what happened you can check it out here.