The Life of Bon: Twilight...what I don't understand

Monday, November 28, 2011

Twilight...what I don't understand

I'm just going to say this about Twilight and then I promise you I will say no more about the subject.

I don't get it.

Did I promise I wasn't going to say anymore?  Because I'm going to say a lot more.  Now you know the worth of my promises.

I just simply don't understand the popularity or the attraction to the books or the movie.  The whole thing baffles me.  Oh believe me, I tried to hop on that bandwagon, and I tried to hop on early.  Long before the movies ever came out, I read the first book.  My English professors counselled everybody in the English teaching major to read Twilight.  Their reasoning was that the book was a hit with junior high girls and teachers should always be aware of the big trends and the books their students are reading.  At that point that was all the book was- a junior high girl book.  The rest of the world was far from catching the craze. 

I read the first book just days before I entered the MTC.   I barely swallowed it down.  The writing was slow and mediocre, at best.  The main character was as unlikeable a character as I have ever seen.  If Bella existed in this life she would be the type of person I would avoid like the plague because she would suck every morsel of positive energy out of me. 

Somehow, in the eighteen months that I was down South sweating away and running away from dogs, Twilight exploded.  By the time I came home, the first movie had recently been released and everyone and their dog was talking Twilight! Twilight!  Twilight!  I ignored all the hype and turned my snooty nose up at it all.

My plan was to ignore Twilight and everything Twilight related until the phase went away.  It might be popular for months, or even years, yes, but I knew that eventually the fad would fade and I could successfully live in this world without having to be a part of the vampire and werewolf circus.

Then I met Hubs.

Hubs likes Twilight.

Yep.  I married a man who likes Twilight.

Hubs (who at that point was just BoyToy) tried to get me to watch the movies with him.  He told me it was important to him.  That I needed to experience them, and that they weren't "that bad."  And because people in love do crazy, stupid things, I complied.  It was the longest two hours of my short existence, and I couldn't stay awake for the life of me.  Hubs nudged, he begged, he pleaded.  He even threatened that if I didn't stay awake I'd just have to go home because there was no use for him to sit there by himself and watch a movie he had already seen while his girlfriend slept.  He had a point.

So I tried harder to stay awake, I blinked my eyes, I tapped my toe, bobbed my head, sipped on coke, crunched on ice.

But to no avail.  I still fell asleep.  The movie had nothing in it to make me want to stay awake.

And that's when Hubs gave up on me.  In the Twilight sense that is.  He realized I would never share his love for the fantasy, the dark romance, the fierce battles between creatures that don't exist.  He never bothered me about it again, and I have been enjoying a life of Twilight peace ever since.

That is, until last week.  On Tuesday, Hubs informed me that the next day, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, he would be going to Twilight with his family.  Everyone had the day off of work and school except for little old me, and since I hated Twilight anyway, this would be a perfect time for him to see it without me.

Then I started to pout.  REASON NUMERO UNO:  Of all the Twilights, this was the movie I wanted to see the most.  I knew enough to know that this was the book where Bella was thrown a lavish wedding, went on a sexy honeymoon to Brazil, and consequentially became pregnant with a demon baby.  Now I myself have recently been weddinged, honeymooned, and impregnated, so this strikes a chord.  Wait, did I say impregnated?  I didn't mean that part.  Just the weddinged and honeymooned, and yes, those are real words, look them up in the dictionary if you don't believe me.  Now, if you'll stop distracting me, I can finish my point and my point is THIS.  I was mildly interested in the film because it parallels the part of my life I am currently in.  And let's be honest, who doesn't want to see a sexy honeymoon in Brazil?

REASON NUMERO DOS I STARTED TO POUT:  I hate it when people have fun without me.  ESPECIALLY when those people are my husband and family and especially when I am working while they are out having fun.  Naturally I felt left out.  If I can't have fun, no one can have fun.  That's logical, right?

I attempted to argue with Hubs that I did, indeed, have a great desire to see the movie, that I have wanted to see it all along.  But, the problem with marrying a sensitive and smart guy is that he sees right through my excuses.  He didn't believe me for a second. 

However, Hubs did convince his family to go later in the day so I could join them after school and kick off my Thanksgiving break right!  Yes!  No one was having fun without me!  I was stoked out of my mind.

It was the worst film ever. 

The movie consisted mainly of slow music montages, long stretches of time with nothing happening, awkward dialogue, virtually no character development.  I think my real problem with the whole Twilight saga is Bella.  She's pouty, annoying, rude, and whiny.  She looked like she was going to throw up as she walked down the aisle.  Uh... Hello Bella!  It's your wedding!  Cheer up, you idiot!  She scowled when they left the wedding to embark on their honeymoon.  Uh... Hello Bella!  It's your wedding night!  Cheer up, you idiot!  She sulked throughout the entirety of their 14 day honeymoon.  That's when I started throwing popcorn at the screen and yelling "Stop it, you ungrateful b****!" (So sorry mom.)

And that's essentially what I don't understand- how this pouty, selfish girl became a worldwide phenomenon.  In the first three days of its opening, Breaking Dawn made $283.5 million dollars.  TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY THREE MILL.  Just to put that into perspective, I would have to teach English for 8,859 years to make that much money.  And you're telling me I can make that much money just by creating a whiny teenage girl and writing a book about her?

Hubs says the movie is so popular because it came at a perfect time for sexually repressed teenage girls.  I guess I would buy that if teenage girls were the only ones watching this movie, but last time I checked teenage girls don't have 283 million dollars laying around in their pockets.  Somehow a horribly written book with weak characters has taken everything I know about writing successful and quality literature and thrown it right out of the window.

Yah.  I'll never understand.


  1. Anonymous10:40 PM

    Bonnie, I agree totally, but could never ever express it the way you did. You did learn something at Carbon High or was that after?

  2. Bonnie, I've realized that there doesn't have to be even one redeeming quality in a book, movie, or boy for girls to like them.

  3. Bonnie you are SO right on this. Bella drives me nuts with her awful personality, the acting is horrible, and everything else is completely lame. Why wont people wake up from the craze and realize that Twilight is ridiculous?

  4. I liked the books. I'm one of those people who suck the positive energy out of others. I also realize that the books are not that great, so I guess they are a guilty pleasure for me. But the movies are horrendous! Even though I think they are terrible, I still see them... mostly because they are so bad that they are funny. Hopefully that is why all those other millions of people see them, too. I don't understand how anyone could take them seriously.

  5. Oh yeah, and I seriously doubt you learned to write so well at Carbon High. :)

  6. I'm going to write a crappy book so I can make a gagillion dollars. Yes, gagillion is a word I looked it up in the dictionary.

  7. CrazyA2:05 PM

    I just like this book because it turns me on.... any book that does that is a good book to me!!!

  8. May I just say that I loved this post and ALL of the comments that have been posted on it since. :)

  9. I agree with this 190%! Harry Potter ftw!

  10. Ahahaha My hubby-to-be also likes Twilight. . .not really quite as much as your guy but he too also dragged me along to see the first film. It isn't just Twilight that I don't understand. . .it's the whole romance with anything other than a wizard. What's the point? Vampires and Werewolves are freakin' disgusting! Why would I want to make out with something that drinks blood or something that is related to my dog? Weird people these days. . . .

  11. Yep, I feel the saaaaaame way about Twilight. And 50 Shades Of Gray for that matter.

    And now I leave you with this:

  12. I hate Twilight. Hate it. It's sad to me that Bella is heralded as a heroine, a girl who is so emotionally disfunctional touted as a role model. Heavens. Bella is about the last character I'd want my daughter to emulate.

    I could go on and on, but I won't. Even though I want to. I won't. Because it probably wouldn't stop.

  13. THANK YOU!!!
    You just made me laugh til I cried - I couldn't agree more, thank you for putting it into words : )

  14. I found this post HILARIOUS. I'm 17 now & I'm going to be completely honest I quite liked the books when I was younger (around 13-15). I think what drew me (and several of my friends in) at the time was the weirdness of the situation Bella was in & Edwards (seeming) perfection. At the time with not much knowledge on how a healthy relationship should work we all thought Edward was the end all and be all of a man, though now I see he would probably be a tad overbearing for my liking...
    My friends and I have always hated Bella as a narrator though.

  15. Hi Bonnie! I just found your blog via Story of my Life and I was reading some random post when I came across this one and had a good laugh with it. I couldn't agree more! I have never watched the last two Twilight movies, neither have I read the books, but I always found them dull and that Bella character terribly annoying. I've always thought that Kirsten stewart was a bit to blame as her face doesn't change at all throughout the movie. She might be happy, she might be sad, she might cry or die, but she always have the same emotionless face.
    It seems I didn't miss that much!
    Have a lovely day.

  16. Hi Bonnie,
    I get everything that you say about Bella but I still have a soft spot for the books.

    I went thru a bad spell of depression after the birth of my second child and one of the effects was that I stopped reading. 18 months not a page! From the age of 6 I never had a book far from hand then nothing.As I recovered I tried to read but just couldn't not even Pride and Prejudice!
    Then a copy of Twilight came into my hands and I read every page and I got it, the angst I had experienced, all my doubts about myself seemed in a way to be mirrored.

    So while she's no ones idea of a role model or a heroine she has a place, the relief of thinking it's not just me, I'm not alone. And who is more angst ridden than teenage girls (and their Mothers!)
    Plus Stephanie has encouraged teens to read the classics.

    So while the whole franchise has it's faults I'm forever grateful that it kick started my reading again and all the joys that come with it.

    S x