The Life of Bon: I am not Bonnie's sister

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I am not Bonnie's sister

Hubs had a comedy show this weekend.

Let's see... what to say about that...  It was funny, it was amazing, I was entertained for two straight hours when usually I get bored in 20 minutes.  He's brilliant, he's clever, and I love everything he does.

Ok, I think that about covers that.  Now moving on to other major events of the weekend.

After Hubs' show, someone  insisted that we go to IHOP with all his friends at midnight. (I won't say who because I'm never one to point fingers and drop names.  It was Hubs).  I've never had good service at IHOP, let alone on a weekend night in Provo Utah when the sexy single spouse searchers (Ha, how's that for alliteration, students?!?) are on the prowl.  Basically what I'm trying to say is we were surrounded by single people.  And couldn't get a table.

The man at the podium (Podium?  Is that what you call those things in restaurants?!?  Have I been going to too much church?) said it would be 10-15 minutes to seat our group.  So we sat on the waiting booths and wondered what in the world we were doing at a crummy flapjack joint for hip youngsters in the middle of the night when we're just an old married couple now. 

Then Pete walked in.  And I love Pete.

You see, Pete was in my singles ward when I was at the Branbury.  He was in my FHE group.  He spent some time at my apartment.  He even had my phone number. 

Pete is also the most awkward intelligent human being I have ever met.  You know the type, I'm sure.  Every time he talks it sounds as if he is giving a speech in the radio.  It's just so... formal.  And he says the funniest awkward things.  You'd never understand in a million years how great this kid is unless you met him.  So I'm not going to bother explaining.  Just know that I delight every time I see him.  I delight in his presence so much that one time when Mary was over at my apartment I insisted we called Pete up so she could meet him and just be in awe.  I talked him up alot, guaranteeing her that she would be completely entertained.  Project entertainment did not go quite as well as I had planned when Pete came over and Mary's face turned the shade of my thighs in the winter.  "Hi!  It's good to see you again!  How you've been?"  Apparently old Pete had met Mary at the CougarEat, asked for her number, and she had been ignoring/avoiding him since.

ANYWAY... that was beside the point and I'm all about cutting out the tangents but that one was oh so good, dang it, I couldn't resist!  So don't start telling me about how an English teacher should know about staying on topic and being organized because maybe there was a reason for that tangent and where was I?

Oh yes.  Pete.  He was introducing himself to some chicas en el grupo (yes I speak Spanish, and if so inclined I might switch languages at any point, so watch out!) "Hello Katie.  Nice to meet you.  I am Pete.  Hello, Darla was it?  Oh spendid.  I am Pete."  etc.  He was shaking all the girls' hands in the group.  Now I've never been a guy in Provo, and I never had to pick up on no chicks, but I know enough to know that shaking hands with the girls ain't gonna get Pete nowhere. 

I stuck my hand in to join in with the group because I was feeling left out and and because I've never shaken hands with a man in IHOP before.  It's all about experiencing something new every day, after all.  He shook my hand with a confused expression on his face (and let me tell you, that guy can shake!)
"Pete!  It's me!  Bonnie!  Remember me?"
"Yes... I do..."  Pete said slowly.  He was searching through my soul, reading my secrets.  You know the stare.
"We lived at Branbury together....?"
Suddenly something clicked in that old attic of Petey's "You're not Bonnie!!!  You're Bonnie's sister!"
"No I'm not.  I'm Bonnie."
"But you're Bonnie's sister!"
"I am not Bonnie's sister.  Bonnie's sister is on a mission.  I'm Bonnie."
"But Bonnie has short blonde hair.  Yours is long and brown- just like Bonnie's sister."
"I grew my hair out.  And dyed it."
"Wow.  I could have sworn you were Bonnie's sister..."

And at that point Hubs was growing impatient and SO WAS I because Bonnie can only get told she is Bonnie's sister so many times before Bonnie starts to want to go home.  Also, it had been 30 minutes and podium man lied and told us it would be 10-15.  Old married couples like ourselves need to hit the hay, so we decided to bale.  (ahem, a little recongintion for the brilliant pun please.)

I interrogated Hubs on the way home while studying my face in the rearview mirror "But do we really look that much alike?!?"  
"Of course not, you are much prettier." Hubs replied.  He has the right answers memorized. 

I thought about the "You are Bonnie's sister" comment for the next three days. I mean, I'd just let the matter die but the thing is this isn't the first time I've gotten the "YOU LOOK JUST LIKE MARY!" since I have dyed my hair. I have gotten it from my mom.  My niece.  My uncle.  My cousin.  Basically all close family members.  Which makes me wonder. And worry. Have people been looking at my hair this whole time or my face? When I am conversing with someone are they staring straight into my eyes or my side bang?  Say I changed my face and kept the exact same hair- would they recongize me then?

To settle the matter once and for all I did an experimentation/research project/trial-and-error. 
Okay fine.  Basically I colored around on Paint.  But this is what I discovered in that process.

Mary and I do not look alike.

Please see exhibit A.


Red markings:  My sister and I have different shaped and colored eyes.  Hers are brown, mine are muck colored/hazel.  Hers are more almond shaped, mine are more round.  Also, please note that my lazy eye is my left eye and Mary's lazy eye is her right eye.

Green:  The shape of our noses is much different.  Mary's nose slants more/ is more pointed.  Mine is more round.  Please note the lines that come down from our noses.  Mine are curved like a circle.  Mary's are straight.  More triangular, if you will.

Yellow:  Our teeth/gums.  Nowhere near similiar.  Mary has small teeth with little gaps in between.  My teeth are perfectly sized and aligned.  Basically my teeth are perfect and, Mary's are less than perfect.  (HA!  Mary isn't even here to defend herself, sucker!)

Blue:  The dimple!  Mary's trademark is that gorgeous dimple on the left hand side of her face.  I was not endowed with such a beauty symbol.  I guess it makes up for the teeth...

There are many other differences in our facial structures... Mary's chin is more pointed, mine more round.  Mary's eyebrows are darker and more defined.  Her skin tone is darker/more olive.  She has more freckles.

I rest my case.  Please concur with me in that I do not look like my sister.

1 comment:

  1. You are as identical as could be without being twins.