The Life of Bon: Hubs' first wife

Friday, October 28, 2011

Hubs' first wife

Sometimes Hubs brings up the old wife.

His first wife.

I don't really like talking about her.

Fine.  I have jealousy issues.  I said it.

Hubs will give me a hug, look deep into my muck colored eyes and say:

"I love you...

...But I miss my first wife."


This is a picture of Hubs and his first wife on the day of their marriage:

(SECRET:  Hubs has really only been married once.

He thinks he's been married twice.

This is because two months into the marriage, I drastically changed the color of my hair.

Thus... the end of Hubs' first wife.

And the emergence of a new wife.

Wife #2, if you will.)

The new wife is the girl NEXT to Hubs, not the girl above him.  The girl above him
is my sister, Mary, and if that was Hubs' new wife then we'd really have
a problem on our hands.

Hello new wife.  You look great with your new hair color.  Why, thank you.

Hubs is smart in that he only protests something if he is really really adamantly passionately opposed.  (And then he protests hard!)  Otherwise, he'll  just subtly joke about it until I realize he doesn't like it.  Sometimes it takes me months to figure out his true feelings.  (If you don't believe me, please take a look at our bright green walls.  I am just now starting to catch on to Hubs' sly hints that he's not a big fan.)

You see, I have thought all along that Hubs was okay with the brown hair. 

But I realized the other day that he is bringing up the first wife with more and more frequency. 



Even when I specifically ask him not to talk about her.

I'm getting the feeling now that he wants me to kill the second wife, resurrect the first wife, and allow him to live the life with the first wife that he always thought he'd live (say that ten times fast!) 

His hints are getting more blatant.

Last week he asked, "So when is my first wife coming back?  Do you know?"

"I have no idea.  I never talk to your first wife," I answered.  And left the room.

A couple of days ago we were driving along in the car, you know, chatting about life like young married couples do.  We had just been with a group of friends, and I told Hubs that if I died he had my permission to marry one of our friends, Zoie.  You see, Zoie is hilarious and if anything happened to me, heavens knows Hubs would need someone pretty dang funny to take my place.  Also, Zoie rocks bright red lipstick and that is truly hard to find!

Hubs just shook his head.  He obviously was not down with my idea.

"To start with, if you died I would murder Zoie because I would suspect her of being the one who killed you."

Wow.  I didn't expect that.

Hubs went on, "Secondly, I already have someone picked out for if you die."


I was... let's to describe my feelings at this point...

insanely jealous? 
morbidly offended? 

"Oh yah, and exactly who would you marry?" I demanded.
"I'd go back to my first wife!" Hubs chimed happily.



Last night I dyed my hair.

Darker than before.

You see...

I'm a very jealous person.

And I don't want that first wife coming anywhere near my husband.


  1. You are just TOO funny! I couldn't stop laughing while reading this post. Now the whole world knows why I love you so much- you are hilarious! I want to see your new dark hair!! I bet you look stunning as always!

  2. muy lindo el blog, soy a ser tu seguidora. Me encantaron sus fotos de haloween. Claudia

  3. This is SO. FUNNY. This sounds exactly like something my husband would pull.

    Since I'm a new reader...what's the reason for you being against blonde hair? It looked great on you! So does the brown, though! :)

  4. Thanks for coming by my blog today!! I love this post! I LOVE the darker color on you! It's beautiful! :)

  5. You are significantly younger than me, but I would have loved to have known you during my high school/ college years! It sounds as though you and your husband are both comedians. I am sure your students adore you...high schoolers need more laughs and less angst!

  6. oh my lanta! this is too great! haha thanks for being a new follower of my blog. Im excited to read more of yours.

  7. okay so I am terrified of this. I've always made myself look exactly the way my boyfriend wants me to look. that's kind of terrible and pathetic, but I just wouldn't be able to take the criticism or "little hints" all the time about him wanting to me to look a different way! how don't you think "wow, my husband thinks I'm ugly"? ugh, it would kill me. anyway, you gots guts. bravo!

  8. So I have been following you for a little while now and somehow came upon this post....I AM DYING! this is just too funny.
    Also, I have your top 5 books post saved so I know what to read when I finish East of Eden. A tad stalkerish? probably :)

  9. Haha this was so funny! So glad I stumbled across this! I thought it would go along the lines of his first wife died in a car accident or something. Haha! Good post!


  10. this is SO funny!! love it!!

  11. just came across this blog! hilarious! my husband does the same thing!