The Life of Bon: Bachelorette Premiere Recap: Let's get this debacle started!

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Bachelorette Premiere Recap: Let's get this debacle started!

Ladies, grab your popcorn , take your seats because it's Bachelor season!  Can you believe it's time already for us to once again indulge in rose giving, hysterical crying, and over the top dates that mirror real life exactly?  Me neither!  My, how the time flies!

This Bachelorette season, of course, is different from most.  Instead of one Bachelorette that gets to choose her man, ABC decided it was a little too dangerous to give that much power to a woman.  You don't know what she'll do with it, after all!  So they switched it back, giving the power again to the men- the woman doesn't get to choose her 20 men, the men get to choose their one bachelorette from Kaitlyn and Britt.  The first night then, is completely turned around.  Instead of 25 men fighting for the one bachelorette, now two women are fighting desperately for the 25 men.  It's so fun to have that power dynamic switched!  We don't want women to ever feel too comfortable, after all!

The episode starts with both women explaining why they think they should be the Bachelorette over the other girl.  Britt highlights her own strengths in a beautiful, princessy type way.  Kaitlyn, however, accidentally let's it slip what she really thinks of Britt.

I am a sincere person... and we're really different.

Kaitlyn and Britt both look like 100 bucks standing waiting for their men, but I do think Kaitlyn wins the dress contest with her dark sequins.  Britt is wearing a a white, high slit number.  I can't help but think that this was deliberate by ABC.  Angel and devil?  Kaitlyn as the dark horse, Britt as the sweetheart you'd bring home to mom?  

In perhaps the most awkward placement of all time, ABC has the two women stand about twenty feet from each other.  That way the men getting out of the limo must deliberately choose who they want to say hi to first, obviously showing their preference. The other must lamely look on, either trying to not listen to the conversation, or trying to somehow be a part of the conversation from 20 feet away.  It's uncomfortable for us all.

The men exit out of their limos.  It may be the worst looking bachelor crew of all time.  One man is "studying for the bar" (translation: failed the bar and now has to retake it) and to help pay off those expensive law school loans has resorted to exotic dancing.  I don't know about you, but I sure like to see my lawyers stripping at night!  Kaitlyn is on to him right away. 

When I see a guy whose hips move like that, there's no doubt that he's a stripper.

There is a handsome red head from Idaho (I may be partial to gingers), a "healer" who claims he gets a very good vibe from Britt, a bunch of guys from Tennessee and Kentucky, and an "amateur sex coach" who literally drives up in a hot tub.  And he's driving the hot tub.  I have a lot of questions.  Why amateur?  Why the hot tub?  WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Meanwhile, in the mansion, the men are getting anxious to spend more time with their ladies.  Except for Ryan, who is absolutely off his rocker drunk.  I know these are grown adult men, but shouldn't ABC kind of limit how much they drink?  When I was a server there were very strict rules as to how frequently we could serve alcohol to someone.  Maybe Utah is just very severe with their alcohol rules but at one point doesn't the guy at the bar say "Yah, you should hold off a minute..."

Anyway, no one has limited Ryan on his alcohol consumption even a little bit, including himself.  He is out of this world drunk, pretty standard for Bachelor first night antics.  He starts spurting wisdom.

I'm all horned up everyone!

I apologize for nothing!

I'd love to take that girl out for a nice steak dinner and never call her again!

Back on the driveway we continue with the arduous process of men meeting both the women and the women feeling of less value based on who the men greet first.  Britt, during this whole process has had an epiphany

I think some guys are here for me, some are here for Kaitlyn.

FINALLY, the women have greeted all the men and it's hard to tell at this point who the favorite is.  Britt appeared the front runner at first, but you know how ABC loves to throw a good twist at you.  The women enter the mansion to greet the men and Kaitlyn, true to form, starts off with a joke:

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Two bachelorettes.
Two bachelorettes who?


The men laugh while Britt looks on disapprovingly.  This is no time for jokes, Kaitlyn!  Her future husband could be in this room!  She tries to change the mood with a speech about how she is looking for her best friend. Half the men look on adoringly.  Both women seem to have accrued their own little fan clubs.

There are a lot of uninteresting conversations that follow.  Britt calls a guy a dick who gave her tissues when he met her because of how much she cried last season.  Normally, as the bachelorette and person in control, Britt would have this prerogative, but remember, oh Britty Boo, that you are now vying for these men's approval not vice versa!  You can't do anything that might show your true personality.  Keep that thing under wraps if you know what's good for you!

At this point I'm mostly just mad at ABC because I really like Kaitlyn and I'm afraid she's going to get her heart broken.  Again.  Couldn't you have just chosen one bachelorette?  I want Kaitlyn to be the next Bachelorette so badly that I am afraid my enthusiasm and intensity will turn it for Britt and I'll be left with a boring season of an insincere Bachelorette.

As I am thinking all this, the men are voting for their preferred bachelorette by dropping roses in big cedar boxes.  Some have their minds clearly made up.  Drunk Ryan, who by this point has taken a swim in the pool in nothing but his underwear, grabbed Kaitlyn's butt, and again emphatically declared that he's "all horned up", crashes into things in the decision room and attempts to throw a dart to decide who he's going to vote for .  The body guard comes in, takes Ryan to Chris Harrison, where Chris tells Ryan he's outta here.  Because you can shout obscenities, drink yourself sick, and grab women's butts all you want, but when you threaten to ruin expensive stuff, that's where ABC really draws the line.

At this point there is a small little notice that comes on the bottom left side of the TV.  BACHELORETTE 2 NIGHT PREMIERE RESUMES TOMORROW.  

Tomorrow?!  TOMORROW?!?!  Is this some kind of horrible trick, ABC?  You've already taken two hours of my life, now you want two more?  Why didn't you tell me it was a two night even before?  Oh, because then you knew I wouldn't have watched the first part?  You sly little devil, you.

The votes are all counted up, Chris Harrison (who drunk Ryan has been referring to as Chris Hansen) comes out and declares there is a winner.

And then the show ends.  TO BE CONTINUED.

Oh, ABC.  I think I hate you.

So, what are your thoughts?  Who's the next bachelorette?  And do we even care about any of the men?  Please no spoilers!  You spoil this for me I will haunt your blog until the day you die.

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