The Life of Bon: Bachelorette Recap Week Two: She's Kissing Everyone!

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Bachelorette Recap Week Two: She's Kissing Everyone!

Friends, Romans, Countrymen!  Lend me your ears, it's time to discuss another hot week of The Bachelorette.  I know you all probably had busy, fun weekends with your family celebrating Memorial Day, but let's face it, nothing is quite as important as watching 25 men make fools of themselves to impress one woman.  Glad we got our priorities straight.  Let's dive in, shall we?

The first date card arrives and a lucky group of men are off to win Kaitlyn's hearts through, what else, pure and aggressive fighting.  Nothing spells love like a good sock to the face.  The men receive the date card, are driven to the date, arrive to the date, and yet still some seem to be confused about what's going on.

A professional woman boxer is there to show the men the ropes.  (I give Kaitlyn mad props for having a woman teach the men to box.)  Some men (Talking to you, Kupah) are so in to the boxing that they forget about everything else.  Some men (Talking to you, Tanner) are wearing puka shells while trying to box.  In 2015.  As you can see, it's a very diverse group.

Kaitlyn is really excited about the group, but has one little concern in the back of her head.

Hurt?  That's preposterous!  On a boxing date?  Where men who are all competing for the same woman box tournament style  to see who the best man is?  In front of cameras?  In front of an audience?  And the woman for whom they are vying for affection?  No, no, Kaitlyn, there is definitely no way any one will get hurt.

The boxing matches are pretty painful to watch.  The men turn on each other like beasts in the wild and it is soon just an all out brawl as they desperately try to prove their alpha status.  MEN.  Am I right?  One by one the men are eliminated until it is down to the final two-  Jared vs. Ben Z.  Never mind that there is a 55 pound weight difference between them, this is totally a safe, legit fight!  Shockingly, Jared (the -55 pound guy) takes a hard hit to the head and buckles.  No one saw that coming!  Jared goes to the hospital, is told he needs lots of rest, but then has his ride drop him off real quick so he can try to get a kiss from Kaitlyn who is continuing the group date.  And he scores his kiss!  Well played, Jared, well played.

The rest of the night is a blur of conversations. Ben Z, who we last saw knocking someone out, sadly explains what it was like to lose his mom to cancer at 14 years old.  Someone else explains what it's like to own a furniture business.  Someone has a four year old son.   When it's all said and done, it is Ben Z., our boxing champion who gets the rose.  Bravo, you gentle giant!

Back at the house, Clint is given the first one on one date.  He gave Kaitlyn a very meaningful drawing on the first night, and she wants to explore that relationship more.

Amen, sister, Amen. I know that's how I chose all my boyfriends back in the day.

Of course, some men are jealous when they don't get that first date. J.J., who for some reason was really banking on that date despite having had absolutely no connection with Kaitlyn thus far, is totally bummed.  His emotions resemble that of a bipolar toddler.

Which one is it, J.J.?  PICK A LANE.

There is also some nonsense from Tony, the "healer" which is all very confusing.

Basically I understand nothing he says.  Yet at the same time I feel very calm and at peace when he is speaking.  Let's just say I'm confused.  And maybe I need to see a healer.

Time for Clint and Kaitlyn's one on one date!  The date card says "Take my breath away!"  Clint is imagining sky diving, climbing up buildings, or any other high adrenaline activity.  Imagine his surprise when Kaitlyn has an underwater photo shoot planned for him.  Sucker!  Way to mess with him, Kaitlyn!  They dress up in fancy clothes and take pictures under water.  I make fun of it, then see the pictures, then decide I want to try it one day.  Clint was clearly disappointed in the day's activity, but he gets to make out with Kaitlyn underwater so he seems to forgive her pretty quickly.  They have some uninteresting conversations, eat a dinner that they don't really eat at all, (Bach scoop is that they have the bachelor contestants eat before their date so that they aren't chewing on camera.  The dinner they serve them on the dates is just for effect) and then make out some more.  Clint gets the rose and all is well.

Next up, we've got our second group date!  The men are doing stand up comedy and I immediately forgive Kaitlyn for her stupid boxing date.  On deck we've got Amy Schumer and three or four other lady stand up comedians to help the men pull out some great comedic lines. (Again, totally respect that Kaitlyn has all female comedians to teach the men.)  I've never even heard of Amy Schumer, but I think I'm in love.  Her and her posse do their best to help the men, but it ain't an easy job.

"You gotta make a joke about the fact that you look like the Old Spice guy."

"Does any funny stuff happen when you weld?"
(Long silence.)

"We definitely need to make fun of the fact that your shirt is toothpaste colored."

The best conversation is undeniably when Amy tries to help our self proclaimed villian, J.J., write his bit.  It's a hard task for him because, well, because he's too smart for comedy, obviously.

Amy, of course, shuts that down real quick.

"I'll make you feel better... you're not."

After a long conversation in which Amy gets nothing accomplished, she gives her final assessment of J.J.

The stand up comedy is actually really fun to watch.  Most men do okay.  The cupcake dentist with the toothpaste colored shirt is admittedly the most nervous, but with enough self deprecation manages to get a few laughs.  Tony, our healer, gets up and thanks everyone honestly for such a wonderful opportunity to which the audience thinks, yah, but where's the jokes, you fool?  J.J.'s comedy revolves completely around making of Tony.  Josh, our welder from Idaho, attempts the impossible task of making welding funny and mildly succeeds.  (By the way, if I were Kaitlyn I totally would have chosen Josh already.  That boy is my. cup. of. tea.)

There are a lot more boring conversations that night.  J.J. talks about his three year old girl is all grown up now and we all roll our eyes.  He then gives Kaitlyn the most not passionate kiss we have ever witnessed.  Josh complains about his dogs who only fart and drool and never ask him how his day was.  Dude, I totally relate, Josh.  Dogs can be so selfish.  The Kentucky boy takes Kaitlyn out back and gives her a long, sexy kiss that she thoroughly enjoys.  J.J. gets the rose, though, because seriously, who can deny how cute it is when three year old daughters grow up?

J.J. accepts the rose with his typical humility.

Too many wrappers, J.J.!  Ain't nobody got time to keep track of all that wrapping.

Rose ceremony time!  Ben Z., Clint, and J.J. all have roses so they are safe.  All men who went on dates have agreed to let the dateless men have extra time with Kaitlyn that night.  Well, all have agreed except J.J., who quickly swoops in to steal Kaitlyn away first.  He takes her away, has a totally boring and pointless conversation, and then brings her back with a typical "Sorry not sorry!" reply.  He justifies his behavior in a very logical way.

Which frankly, clears up a lot of confusion for me and the rest of The Bachelorette audience. (Or, as "Chris Hansen" likes to call us, Bachelor Nation.) All these years we've thought we were watching church camp, and now we understand it's just trashy reality tv...  I mean, wow.  Everything makes so much more sense.  Honestly, it's a huge relief to finally understand.  Thanks for clearing that up for all of us J.J.

Kupah, meanwhile, (not to be confused with the bad guy on Mario) is frustrated that he hasn't gotten more time with Kaitlyn.  He believes he may be on the show simply to fill ABC's quota for minority men. (Not an unfair assumption, I might add.)  He confronts Kaitlyn about it, saying that he has felt no connection with her whatsoever.  "That's because you literally didn't talk to me once on our date and spent the whole time boxing in the corner," replies Kaitlyn.  "Every other guy came up and talked to me and you ignored me that whole time."  "I don't even like boxing, I would have rather not even been on that date," claims Kupah, "But now I feel more of a connection with you than ever- please don't send me home."  Kaitlyn's confused, the audience is confused, Kupah is begging for more time.  Kait says she'll have to think about it for awhile, and Kupah proceeds to go around the corner and yell all the details of their conversation to the other men.  With Kaitlyn clearly within ear shot.  Oh, Kupah, you sweet naive dinosaur idiot.  That's not how you win a girl's heart.  Kaitlyn storms out, pulls him aside, and says he should probably just hit the road now.  Kupah tries desperately to save himself by blurting out the things every woman considers most important to who she is.

He sure presents a strong case for keeping him around, doesn't he?!  Shockingly, Kaitlyn sticks to her guns and tells him to go away.

Naturally, Kupah is not happy.  He is mad that he has "lost" and starts yelling at the camera man who is unsuccessfully trying to get Kupah's diary of the departed.  Kaitlyn hears him yelling from inside the house and says, "Oh no!  Not on my Bachelorette show!"  Everyone is excited to watch the confrontation go down when ABC cuts us off and gives us our favorite three words...


Typical ABC fashion, trying desperately to get us to tune in to next week.  Jerks.

Now tell me all your thoughts!  There's nothing I love more than meaningful, thought provoking conversations about The Bachelorette!  Is Kaityln kissing too many men?  Was she unfair when she sent Kupah home so quickly?  Who do you think will win it all?  And why oh why didn't we get to see the Ryan Gosling look alike once this whole week?  

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