The Life of Bon: Fumble

Monday, September 26, 2011


A one act play
Starring: Jake Heaps

Bonnie: Full time English teacher, Mormon, married to Hubs, 25 years old
Hubs: Aspiring actor, full time student, Mormon, married to Bonnie, 23 years old
Bishop: In charge of church proceedings
Jake Heaps: Local college football celebrity. Has come under some heat lately for one of the most embarrassing fumbles in BYU history. (Please see the 20 second clip below for more info…Heaps is #9)

As the curtain opens, a typical Mormon church building is seen. Inside the sacrament hall, the pews are filling up with young couples in suits and dresses, apparently a ward full of newlyweds. On the stand are a man and a woman, looking to be early to mid twenties. The woman, Bonnie, is wearing a purple scoop neck blouse with a black satin skirt and unusually tall, shiny high heels.  Some might argue that they look like shoes for a witch.  The man, Hubs, married to Bonnie, is wearing a suit and tie. He is sporting a moustache, unusual for his generation and age group, yes, but sexy nonetheless. (Yes, Hubs is really sporting a stache!) Both Bonnie and Hubs appear a little nervous, but happy. They both look stunning in their church attire.

Bishop: We will now turn the time over to a new couple who will be speaking on hard work and learning. They have just moved in to the ward, and we are so excited to have them with us. Okay, Bonnie, the time is yours…

Jake Heaps sneaks quietly into the back of the cultural hall and sits down, unnannounced.  He wants to remain unnoticed. Neither Bonnie nor Hubs sees his arrival. They are apparently too focused on their upcoming talks to pay attention to who is coming and going

Bonnie: Thank you, Bish! I am so excited to have this opportunity to speak because unlike most people I really love public speaking (this is totally true. It’s like an adrenanline rush for me to speak in front of a huge group of people)...

Bonnie gives a truly enlightening talk... all listening are spiritually enlightened, emotionally enlightened, mentally enlightened, and yes, even physically enlightened. Upon finishing her talk she sits down, smiles, and feels good about her effort. Hubs stands up and takes his place at the podium.

Hubs: I’m also excited to be here… want to clear some things up that Bon said… yada yada yada… (talks for about ten minutes)… that is why it is important to be learned in all fields. I am a theatre major, but I should still know at least something about football.  Imagine if someone asked me about the BYU/Utah game last week and all I could say is “the football players are so big!” No. I have to be more educated than that. I should know the key words for football. For example, a word I would have needed to know for that game in particular would have been the word fumble.

(There is muffled laughter and groans from the overwhelmingly BYU-student-audience.)

Hubs: No? Still too sensitive? Ok, I guess I’ll have to give it another week before we can all joke about that one, huh?

Hubs resumes his talk, quickly recovering from any offending remarks he may have given. Or so he thinks. Unbeknownst to him, Jake Heaps, still sitting in the back, stands up and quietly leaves the cultural hall, never to return to church.

Curtain closes.

And that, my friends, is a true story.

Isn’t Hubs the greatest?