Thursday, December 01, 2011

Lessons at the Gyno

Every year I have an appointment with the ...*ahem*... lady doctor.  To make sure all my...*ahem*...lady parts are doing everything they are supposed to do.

Today was said...*ahem*... lady doctor appointment. 

I always get just a tad nervous before these appointments.  And by always I mean the two times in my life that I have ever been.  To calm my nerves in the waiting room, I looked for something to read.  Well, I'll tell you what, that place was hard up for some reading material so I resorted to the pamphlets on the wall.  My choices were "Menopause:  What you don't know you don't know," and "The infection question:  it's not always yeast."  This much I know for sure, whoever is writing the titles of their pamphlets needs to get paid less.  I opted for the menopause pamphlet.  You see, I always like to be prepared.  Sometimes things happens sooner than you'd think, people.

I didn't get far in my riveting read when they called me to the back, demanded to know my weight, and them told me to strip and put on a robe with the opening in the front.  They've got a lot of nerve.

The lady doctor came in.  She was asking me a bajillion questions.  I figure she did it to take my mind off the exam and I'll tell you what, it worked because I was so busy answering her relentless questions that I didn't have a second to think about what else was going on in the room.

"How was the wedding?"  "How's teaching?"  "Do you want to get pregnant?" "What does your husband do?" "Do the students mistake you for a student?" "Have you ever gone on an African safari?" I mean it.  This lady didn't let up.

Then she asked me, "So how is the marriage going?  Everything marital bliss?"  I considered briefly telling her that we had already divorced- just to see her squirm- but I decided instead to be a good girl.  "Yah, pretty much."

"Yep, that usually lasts about two years." She said with a complete straight face.  "Now, I'm going to give you this prescription for a year..."

We finished up and I took my prescription and free birth control and menopause pamphlet and headed on home.

I got to thinking on my drive.  About the whole marital bliss thing lasting two years.  Here's what bothers me about it.  I have gotten that remark, or a similar version of it, probably 100 times since I tied the knot.  "Oh, that will soon wear off and before you know it you'll be two people who live together and tolerate each other's bad smells." or  "Oh, you're probably just so in love right now, aren't you?  It doesn't last forever you know,"  or "After a few years you won't even be touching each other anymore, trust me."

Its not that I think me and Hubs have a better marriage than everyone else.  It's just that... I think everybody should have a better marriage than that. 

While my marriage has been a blast and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, it's no cake walk.  It's not like we've just been sitting on the couch kissing and eating ice cream.  We've had to struggle through things.  We don't always see eye to eye.  We're both strong willed people.  Sometimes we are selfish.  Sometimes we say things we don't know are hurtful.  Sometimes we just don't even really know how to be married.  But every month is easier.  Every month is more fun.  Because we understand each other more, we know how to treat the other person, we know how to talk to each other.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that it seems to me that each year of your marriage should be getting better, not worse.

Then I started thinking.  Maybe I'm just being naive and stupid.  Maybe the whole marital bliss really is just a passing phase.  Then I thought of the marriage besides my own that I know the best.  My parents' marriage.  Of course, as a child of the marriage, I don't know half of the struggles that went on, the disagreements, the trials, the hurt feelings.  What I do know from pure observation is that my dad told my mom she looked pretty at the dinner table, they said their prayers together at night, my mom organized my dad's desk for him, they danced in the kitchen, and they took week long vacations without the kids every year.  It sure doesn't seem like a marriage where the bliss ended after two years. 

I also know that the two years since my dad passed away have been the most difficult and trying times of my mom's life.  I know that she has experienced severe heartache, on a level that the rest of us can't understand.  I know that she misses him every day.  I have seen her shed countless tears because of his absence.  And I'll tell you this much- my mom's not crying because somebody she tolerated and picked up after left earlier than she thought.  She's crying because they were right smack in the middle of marital bliss.

I don't know diddly squat about marriage.  I'm a freaking amateur over here.  But I know this much.  Marital bliss isn't supposed to last for two years.  It's supposed to last for eternity.

And that's what I learned today on my trip to the lady doctor.

Bliss

34 comments:

  1. I agree! And I like that picture of you two. You look ridiculously happy.

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  2. Perfectly put. I never knew how to respond to those comments...it didn't make sense to me either. Love the picture!!

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  3. (Oh, this is Andi...Tyrelle...whoever) :)

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  4. So sweet. Thanks for the reminder.

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  5. love the picture! which reminds me, I STILL have not seen your wedding pics! It is ABOUT time already! :)

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  6. So true! I always say marriage is what you make of it, and that starts with how you think of it. If you want to be happy and have marital bliss, you'll work to make it continue. :-) Glad you're so happy.....beats your old Freshman year dream of never getting married and living in New York like someone on friends, hu? ;-D Hee! Hee!

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  7. Thanks Bon... You are a great writer. And I do agree bliss should last for eternity not just a few years.

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  8. Thanks, Bonnie. Loved it. Love you.

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  9. Don't worry, it keeps getting better. Different, but better too.

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  10. Love this post. Marriage is hard--so hard--but it's the hard parts that make the rest so much sweeter. I come from parents who are unhappily married and I know that's not how it is supposed to be. Live and learn, but marriage should add to your life, not take away from it. :)

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  11. Yes! We get these comments all the time too! But we've learned to flock to the people who are still in the "love bubble" after 10+ years. If they can do it...why can't we? This one older guy in our ward said to me, "Marriage is like a hot bath...over time...the water can start to get cold. Do you know what you do to keep the water from turning cold? Drain the water and fill 'er up again!" Baha! It was perfect. Robert and I tend to stick to the ones like him.

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  12. I completely agree with you! Majority of the population just give up on relationships after a stupid fight & are getting divorced left & right like its no big deal. No one ever said marriage would be easy, I'm sure it takes tons of work! But you don't just call it quits & walk away when things get tough. It definitely helps being raised by parents that set a good example that's for sure. Extremely grateful for that!
    People that say negative comments like that just anger me, they thing because they had a bad experience, everyone else will as well. Misery loves company. Keep stayin positive!!

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  13. I feel the same way! I hate how people judge our relationship with the rest of the world's. Marriage is good and should last forever, we vow to do so anyway! Thanks for writing this!

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  14. I loved this post! People do say that a lot and I'm not married, but I do think that sometimes about some couples. But those couples do end up getting divorced within a year or two. But I agree with you, every marriage should be how you described. No one should settle for less.
    Anyways, I loved reading the story about your parents :)

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  15. Ok so this is an older post but I just found your blog (because you found mine too yay!) and I love this post. Not long after we got married I got really tired of people asking us if we were still in the honeymoon period. We just celebrated our second wedding anniversary and are happier than we ever were when we got married, and then we thought we couldn't ever be happier.

    We've learnt how to communicate better, understand each other and got closer than ever. So in short - i totally agree with you!

    Oh and I had a completely unpleasant *ahem* lady doctor appointment yesterday for a horrible test and she did the same thing... must learn it to distract us from the horror that is taking place.

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  16. Oh my goodness! I feel the exact same way! People complain about their spouse all the time at work and I am just like, I cant wait to get home to see him! Dont get me wrong, it takes work, but your partnership is as good as the work and dedication you put into it. You both have to be selfless and love unconditionally. That shouldnt change after the "first two years". Why would you want to be miserable "until death due us part". Your so cute!

    <3 Brittany.

    thebryantbliss.blogspot.com


    ps. the lady doctor is terrifying. i get so freaked i almost pee. and that would be terrible to walk in there after that if you know what I mean.

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  17. My hubby and I just celebrated 6 years of marital bliss! It is different as the years add on, but we make it a goal to be THAT couple. The one where other people say, "Oh, that's Brian and Jessica. They're so in love, it's disgusting." Because we would rather be with each other than anyone else in the world, excited to come home to our best friend, a never-ending slumber party. Okay, I think you get the point. And I think you have found it too. :)

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  18. AMEN to that sister! lol

    What a great post. I dont like how people will say that.. ESPECIALLY to newlyweds. WHO are they to say that to others. Everyone is different. And sure now-a-days when divorce and the grass is greener mentality is so common and accepted, people just dont seem to care. And maybe that IS common for "marrital bliss" to ONLY last two years...

    But I think thats because so many people these days only want instant gratification. People are selfish. Everyone wants to upgrade EVERYTHING.

    Ive been through a lot of hell with the hubs, that he has put me through, that I have put him through, that LIFE has put us through. But I love this guy. Now its not always rainbows and sunshine. But I love him. And I am happy. And I still love being lovey with him. He always tells me Im beautiful and STILL cant keep his hands off me. (TMI?) haha

    And as I mentioned in a previous comment... we are going on 8 years. And we have been besties since Sophomore year of HS.

    :)

    "marital bliss" might be the minority, but it most certainly does exist and can still exist after the two year mark. And good for you for thinking so too.

    Boy oh boy did I get all riled up over this one. HA! ;)

    ~Maria-Isabel

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  19. Too awesome! This post, your writing, your whole blog!
    You had me laughing then swelling with tears! I've so enjoyed reading through your post and am most looking forward to reading more. Literally, don't be surprised if you see me digging through your archive!

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  20. While the dopamine love-rush-high wears off after two years, the statement makes little sense because that would normally occur before someone gets married. I do think many people mistake the initial intensity for true and lasting love and then just give up once it's gone. I've been married over two years now and things aren't always as exciting between the two of us, but that's because we're family now. We live in harmony and have a routine. And that's nice. - Leah, leahwise.wordpress.com

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  21. LOVE THIS. thank you sister! Hallelujah!

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  22. So I just stumbled across your blog as I was entering the Tiffany's giveaway and I somehow got to this post and I must say: you have an amazing "blogging voice". You're so genuine and true and you make reading your blog so enjoyable. This post especially hit home.. my boyfriend and I, especially when we first started dating, were told that this "honeymoon phase" will end. Of course, we are still head-over-heels in love and it's been nearly a year and a half. And I mean IN LOVE, like let's-just-sit-on-the-floor-and-talk-slash-laugh-our-butts-off-for-6-hours love. <-- our night last night. WOW, here I am going on about my relationship when what I really mean to do is thank you for this beautifully written post. I couldn't agree with you more. It's not always going to be fireworks, but it is going to be an incredible and (mostly) enjoyable learning experience. Anyone who tells you it will end, hasn't experienced the glorious moments you have. Oh--and they're envious and all that other stuff.

    Note: I know a year and a half isn't very long at all... but I have no doubt in my mind that I'll feel the same way in a hundred in a half. That's a real number, right?

    Thanks again! I look forward to my journey through your blog posts!

    -Kadi

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  23. I love how an awkward doctor's visit turned to such wise words on marriage. If you want to read about my last--and technically, first--trip to the gyno with my husband (who could have been mistaken for my brother!!), check this out: http://thepharrsideofarkansas.blogspot.com/2013/01/be-grateful-3.html

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  24. I am floored by this post. Seriously, floored.
    I too have had so many people tell me that my husband and I are not going to be "this in love" forever and it really hurts my feelings when people say that.
    I love this post.
    Thank you so much for sharing.

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  25. Really beautiful post there! You both look so happy as well! Wish you all the best :)

    Anna xx
    www.annarozanska.co.uk

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  26. If you haven't read "The Five Love Languages," you totally should. Like someone else mentioned, the head-over-heels in love feelings only last about two years, but for a lot of couples, those two years are before marriage! Love isn't just a feeling; love is an action. I think it's obvious from your blog that you and Greg are committed to making your marriage work, and you *DO* loving things for each other, instead of just feeling lovey (although it sounds like y'all do that too!).

    This is my personal experience with applying this book to my life, not just with my boyfriend, but with my friends & family.

    http://www.findingmyvirginity.com/2012/03/five-love-languages-or-why-i-need-you.html

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  27. I absolutely love this post. My husband and I have been married for about 1 yr and 2 months. We have been told the marital bliss will ware off. Truth is, I don't think it will because we enjoy it so much we will keep working for it. I think many married couples get tired. Tired of trying. So cheers to marital bliss for eternity! Or at least trying!

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  28. This post sounds like the way I feel! My husband and I are just a few weeks shy of our first wedding anniversary. We get comments about "losing the bliss". But I don't think that is a rule for all couples everywhere. Both of our parents are still happily married. We are optimistic about keeping the bliss :)

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  29. haha I love this post as a "recently married" - and... lady bit doctors can sometimes be quite good for introspection! haha

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  30. Love this post. As someone who is engaged I hear every day "you're getting married? why?" or "good luck with that" but either way, I'm looking forward to marriage! Though he's not a ginger, I'm banking on us having as much fun as you two!

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  31. I know this is a really old post, but I just found it and thought I should comment anyway. Thank you for writing this!!! I completely agree. It makes me so sad when people say things like that because I know they are trying to validate their own unhappiness by telling me one day I'll be as unhappy as them. Terrible, right? My husband and I will celebrate our two year anniversary in December- and no, it hasn't been a cake walk, but every day I love him more. I really do. Our relationship and marriage has matured a bit and I like it that way! I get so excited to think about what our relationship will be like 5, 10, and 15 years down the road! We will be that much more in love- and I'm so excited to experience those years with him! Again, thank you for writing this!

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  32. I love that picture of you two!

    xx
    Kelly
    Sparkles and Shoes

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  33. Hey Bonnie, I'm a new reader and I think I'm here for the long run.

    Seriously, this post is on point. "I think everybody should have a better marriage than that." Great line. I've been married for about two years and we're both young by other people's standards, so I've heard so many ridiculous things that were supposed to be helpful. Maybe I'm naive as well! I see this is an old post so hopefully you still feel this way.

    volumesofwords.com

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  34. Why do people feel the need to offer unsolicited, rainy, dark advice on your parade? If you say it's going well, why can't they just friggin be happy for the fact that you're enjoying your marriage? Ugh, people are so rude sometimes!

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