I've got babies on the brain.
I blame it on Jenni for this post.
I also blame it on a close family member of mine, Mary. We were talking about a married mutual friend, and I asked Mary if the friend and her husband were planning on having kids any time soon. Mary said something that struck me, "Nah... I don't think they'll have kids for another few years at least. He would have a kid right now... but you know her. She's always been kind of selfish."
I didn't say anything and the conversation continued on, eventually taking a different route entirely, but I was left with that phrase, "She's always been kind of selfish." Did Mary also consider me selfish for not having kids? Is anybody who isn't selflessly willing to sacrifice everything in her life for kids considered to be the exact opposite- selfish?
If I'm being totally honest with myself, I don't know when I want to have kids. It is a thought that absolutely terrifies me. For years I thought that as I aged, as I got married, as I matured in life, that this would be a natural step for me. Something I eventually yearned for. But I don't yearn for kids at all. Instead the "someday" chant continues to ring in my head. I yearn to yearn for kids, yes, but yearning in and of itself? No. I'm aware I ain't getting any younger, but still, I find excuses to put it off.
Sometimes I read blogs from women who want so badly to conceive and can't. I know they are probably frustrated with God that He won't give them the babies they so badly want, but in the same strand I am frustrated with Him for not giving me the desire for babies that I so badly want. Why can't I want to nurture and tend and cuddle and spoil and kiss? Why do I have to want to work and run and wake up early and write and socialize?
A year ago, my cousi, who then had a newborn said to me, "Sometimes when my husband comes home from work I have to ask him 'What was the weather like today?' because I never got out of the house."
That sentence scared the crap out of me.
And I suppose that is what it all boils down to. Fear. I don't yearn to have children because I am afraid. Terribly afraid.
Things that scare me, just to name a few:
- I won't have a creative outlet
- My kids will drive me crazy
- I won't have any friends or socializing
- I'll stay in the house all day
- I'll have to give up my personal identity
- I'll resent my children
- I'll be bored
- I won't have opportunities for learning
- I'll be too strict of a mom
- I'll be too loose of a mom
- I'll ruin my kids' lives
- I'll try to live vicariously through my kids because I'm so bored.
- My relationship with Hubs will become stagnant
- My relationship with Hubs will become boring
- Hubs will only pay attention to the kids
- There won't be time for me and Hubs- only time for the kids
- I'll have to learn to cook a lot more dishes than I know now
. I'll never be able to escape from my kids.
- There won't be any alone time for just me.
- I'll stop reading books.
- The kids will suck up all my money.
- No more cute clothes.
- Body goes down the toilet.
- We'll never be able to enjoy vacations again.
- No traveling the world.
What say ye? A pretty selfish list? I admit, looking at all those reasons like this certainly doesn't make me look like no Mother Theresa. What it does do, is make anybody who does decide to have kids look like a total saint. Knowing that she will have to essentially sacrifice her entire life, how in the world does one woman ever decide to purposely become pregnant? Do women really get pregnant knowing the lifelong consequences?
Heck, maybe they do. Maybe the rest of the world is just less selfish than me.
A penny for your thoughts.
For more about my wrestling with the idea of babies go here.