The Life of Bon: Oh, baby, baby!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Oh, baby, baby!

I've got babies on the brain.

I blame it on Jenni for this post.

I also blame it on a close family member of mine, Mary.  We were talking about a married mutual friend, and I asked Mary if the friend and her husband were planning on having kids any time soon.  Mary said something that struck me, "Nah... I don't think they'll have kids for another few years at least.  He would have a kid right now... but you know her.  She's always been kind of selfish."

I didn't say anything and the conversation continued on, eventually taking a different route entirely, but I was left with that phrase, "She's always been kind of selfish."  Did Mary also consider me selfish for not having kids?  Is anybody who isn't selflessly willing to sacrifice everything in her life for kids considered to be the exact opposite- selfish?

If I'm being totally honest with myself, I don't know when I want to have kids.  It is a thought that absolutely terrifies me.  For years I thought that as I aged, as I got married, as I matured in life, that this would be a natural step for me.  Something I eventually yearned for.  But I don't yearn for kids at all.  Instead the "someday" chant continues to ring in my head.  I yearn to yearn for kids, yes, but yearning in and of itself?  No.  I'm aware I ain't getting any younger, but still, I find excuses to put it off.

Sometimes I read blogs from women who want so badly to conceive and can't.  I know they are probably frustrated with God that He won't give them the babies they so badly want, but in the same strand I am frustrated with Him for not giving me the desire for babies that I so badly want.  Why can't I want to nurture and tend and cuddle and spoil and kiss?  Why do I have to want to work and run and wake up early and write and socialize?

A year ago, my cousi, who then had a newborn said to me, "Sometimes when my husband comes home from work I have to ask him 'What was the weather like today?' because I never got out of the house." 

That sentence scared the crap out of me.

And I suppose that is what it all boils down to.  Fear.  I don't yearn to have children because I am afraid.  Terribly afraid.

Things that scare me, just to name a few:

- I won't have a creative outlet
- My kids will drive me crazy
- I won't have any friends or socializing
- I'll stay in the house all day
- I'll have to give up my personal identity
- I'll resent my children
- I'll be bored
- I won't have opportunities for learning
- I'll be too strict of a mom
- I'll be too loose of a mom
- I'll ruin my kids' lives
- I'll try to live vicariously through my kids because I'm so bored.
- My relationship with Hubs will become stagnant
- My relationship with Hubs will become boring
- Hubs will only pay attention to the kids
- There won't be time for me and Hubs- only time for the kids
- I'll have to learn to cook a lot more dishes than I know now
. I'll never be able to escape from my kids.
- There won't be any alone time for just me.
- I'll stop reading books.
- The kids will suck up all my money.
- No more cute clothes.
- Body goes down the toilet.
- We'll never be able to enjoy vacations again.
- No traveling the world.

What say ye?  A pretty selfish list?  I admit, looking at all those reasons like this certainly doesn't make me look like no Mother Theresa.  What it does do, is make anybody who does decide to have kids look like a total saint.  Knowing that she will have to essentially sacrifice her entire life, how in the world does one woman ever decide to purposely become pregnant?  Do women really get pregnant knowing the lifelong consequences?

Heck, maybe they do.  Maybe the rest of the world is just less selfish than me.

A penny for your thoughts.

For more about my wrestling with the idea of babies go here.


  1. interesting post. I don't want to have my own children but I do want to adopt kids. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

  2. Bonnie, I feel the same way on all of this. I have no idea when I want kids and maybe that makes me selfish too... but I really love where we are at in life. I don't want to change anything!! :) It's good to know someone else feels the same way!

  3. What an interesting post. Thanks for sharing! I am super excited to have children one day but for now I am beyond scared! I think it's definitely okay to wait until you feel completely comfortable and ready. I feel like I would be cheating my kids if I didn't wait until I was completely ready to have them.

  4. It's ok Bonnie, your body isn't that great to begin with.
    Crazy A

  5. You aren't selfish at all Bonnie! There is no "rule" when to have kids, everyone is ready at a different time in life, or never ready at all - and it is just fine. I have no kiddos yet, but I want them, but my hubby is not quite ready. So we are waiting til we are both on board. Until then, do what I do and when baby fever sets in, hang out with friends/relatives kids to get your "fix" :) Xo!

  6. Whoa--my sister from another mister!! I love this!! I am SO in your boat. I am to have kids and not just physically--because of tons of reasons!! I sometimes wonder if it is something that comes with the actual act? You know, like when you're pregnant your motherly insticts kick in? I mean, I never liked dogs until we got one and now i'm in LOVE with my puppies--but still no one elses. (And yes I just compared my dogs to children) Either way, here's a thought my professor once said that has always resegnanted with me:

    If you always wait until you're absolutely ready, you'll never do much of anything.

  7. I totally believe you'll know if/when it's the right time Bon! There's nothing wrong with enjoying your life as is. I felt the same exact way for years and years and it's only lately that I've done a total 180. (Hello, I'm 35?!) Anyway, the women I view as selfish are the ones who choose to have kids and then refuse to make any of the sacrifices you mentioned or to make them a priority. For the record, I think if you do have kids someday you'll be an amazing mom :-) jenn

  8. The idea if being responsible for children can be scary and overwhelming but I have 3 now at the ripe old age of 26 and even though its not easy, it is something far greater than anything else I've done in my life. The list of things you said you worry about... Don't. I have 3 an none of those things are true about my life- except the one about my kids sucking up all my money :) plus I believe you grow as a mother. It challenges you, your patience, your testimony, even your intellect. And there is no reason why you can't continue to be everything you want to be because you have kids. And I might even dare to say no woman is as good as she can be without having experienced motherhood. I think it brings out the best in you. So have faith, not fear. I bet you'd be a great mom... Someday.

  9. I love this post because I go from feeling just like you to wanting to have a baby this very instant (!) and back to feeling just like you. It's a crazy emotional world we live in.

    You aren't selfish for feeling that way at all. I think we all just get used to what we feel is freedom and we get terrified at the thought of losing that freedom.

  10. I think it's great you're putting so much thought into it and not getting pregnant just because that's the next thing you're supposed to do. Because once that kid is here, he or she deserves to have a mother who is fully committed. That being said, some of your fears are a little extreme. Yes, your life changes and your kids become your full time job, but you can get out of the house all you want! Since we've been here In Monterey we get out on more days than we stay in! I take my kids everywhere... bike rides, parks, beach, wharf, picnics, museums, you name it! Do you not remember me loading up newbie Caroline and dragging her all over DC when you guys came to visit? Which ever cousin said that about the weather probably had a newborn. And yes, the first few months you are just recovering, but then life gets back to normal and you can do normal things. No time with hubs? What about after 8 pm? Babysitter? Grandma? Kid swap with neighbors? You find ways. No traveling the world? Um, how many places have Sam and Neil been to? Josie came to Poland for crying out loud! Plus, it's only for a season. Before you know it your kids will all be grown up and independent. Think of the long run. Do you want to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas all alone when you're older? Have no grandkids? Before I had kids I didn't have that burning yearning either. You don't realize how much you'll love your children until you have them. You honestly have not experienced that kind of love yet in your life, and it is the best kind! The first time I laid eyes on Emily this love washed over me and all of a sudden my purpose in life was clear as a bell. And don't worry, you and Hubs will be awesome parents and draw closer together as parenting partners! There's plenty of love to go around. But you do have to be prepared to sacrifice. But, sacrifice is what brings the greater blessings.

  11. From this post, I almost feel like you already want kids, you yearn for them but you deny it because of the fear. Am so confident that you will be a great mum...Just dont let fear take that joy from you. Just take time to address the fear!

  12. I too feel the same, especially since my friends hv their own kids. I have many of the same fears as you.

  13. Beautifully written! Sums up so many of my feelings, fears, and thoughts. Thank you for writing it :)

  14. I feel ya and am the same...however I like to think I'm more realistic than selfish. I also am very happy that I had siblings who went ahead and had a bunch of little ones. I get to spoil them and give them back for all my selfish time!! (#1 Aunt right here!)

  15. I don't think it's selfish to not be ready for kids or bad to not be ready for kids yet. People grow and develop at different rates. I think many of the reasons you listed are actually thinking of the child first- you want to bring the child up in a world where you are best able to give them the love and care that they deserve- that's not selfish. I know some very selfish parents who do not put their kids needs before their own- you are clearly considering your child's needs before you rush off and have a baby because you like the idea of it...

  16. Well, all I can say is, wait and see. When I was about 20, I remember saying 'I'll have kids when I'm 27' as way of delaying. When I hit 27, I said 'I'll have kids when I'm 32' as a way of further delaying. And for me, I was a seriously competitive mountain biker, and the thought of falling pregnant terrified me - I wouldn't be able to ride my bike for how long exactly???
    Anyway, I'm now 33 and halfway through my first pregnancy. And I've had lots of fears come up, and I'll be honest, I feel kinda vulnerable. I depend on my man for so much more, and there is a loss of identity and independence that is inherent in being pregnant. But, apparently, it's all worth it!
    So wait and see. What is important now, might not be so important in 5 years time. And enjoy living your life now!

  17. Bon, I am awake at 230 am for my 2 month old baby. At 26 years old. I am NOT a baby person and as soon as I [purposefully] got pregnant, I panicked. But it is awesome. Yea she's tiring but so rewarding. And I'm getting my body back, put on makeup and do my hair each morning. And since having her I've met more people and have more things to do than I did before. She's so sweet. Some of my friends with kids would just vent to me before, which scared me. But I wasn't there for every smile, laugh and fall asleep in your arms moment. And I have a great husband who helps! Which it sounds like you do too. I felt all of theses same things, even through my pregnancy. But once she came out (and I had her naturally, no meds and it didn't hurt that bad), my fears were wiped away. I'd do anything for her. And the occasional grandma babysitting session is nice for a hot date with my husband. Also she's starting to go to bed at 8 pm which gives me and my man lots of time to hang out and talk, etc :) you'll be ok!

  18. I don't think you're selfish for not wanting kids right now - it's a choice, and some people even choose to never have children. That doesn't make them any less wonderful, does it?

    I completely follow you on this - I've been married for almost 2 years and I've never had a yearning for kids. Ever. Some people always seek out the babies and play with them. Not me. I mean, if they come up to me and want to play I'll play with them, but if they keep away that's fine too.

    I do know, however, that I want kids at one point, and I know that I don't want to be too old when I have kids. My parents had me and my brother when they were pretty young, and I love the relationship I've had with my parents, and I want that for my kids too. I agree with Audrie a few comments up, who compared children to her dogs - once you get them you will love them. You won't be able NOT to love them. This is what comforts me when thinking about kids.

  19. so with the line "she's just selfish..." i've said that before but about a friend who has been married for a long time now and her husband (and the rest of her family) desperately wants kids but she refuses to give up her hardcore drinking and partying lifestyle. i think THAT is selfish. however, i think the combination of everything you listed isn't. there is nothing wrong with worrying about your marriage relationship, finances, the kind of mother you'll be etc. personally i plan on waiting a long time but that's because i can't even decide what major to choose, let alone the jobs we'll have and where we'll be living, not to mention i don't want to have to quit the school i'm ever so slowly trying to finish. i want to be a stable mother with experience and knowledge and a backup plan (husband dying, not being able to have kids, etc.). seriously take your time. no one is forcing you and no one should be judging you either. and i totally get what you mean about wondering why you weren't blessed with the desire to be a mother. i've always hated that it's never been something i wanted.

  20. I have no desire for children yet--though I am hoping it will come at some point. I've reached the ripe old age of I figure it's still a little early. I'm not hesitant for any of the reasons you listed though, because I've seen it happen and I believe that you can have children and an exciting marriage and dates and adventures and travel the world all at the same time.(my parents took 1 year olds on 16 hour plane flights multiple times!! They're brave.)
    But what does scare me is the whole feeling sick for nine months thing. Because when I'm sick for more than a day I don't handle it well. I know pregnancy is easy on some people but my Mom was quite, quite sick every time--so that's what I'm not looking forward to. So I guess I'm not scared to raise's the making them part I'm not excited about!

  21. and i might be a horrible person for saying this but... i've met girls who were 20 years old, no job or savings, and their husbands work a part-time job with zero benefits and they live month to month in a cheap basement apartment and she was so baby hungry that they had kids right away (one in particular actually convinced her husband it was an accident when it wasnt...). i can't help but think that their marriage will really suffer for this, especially since their husbands likely have to take a second job just to cover rent, let alone diapers and food, not to mention the debt they will get in with medical bills, etc. so... i think it goes both ways. i think being cautious and even fearful is better than being so overwhelmed with a desire to be a mother that you throw finances, marital harmony, and stability out the window. but hey, many people have made it work in the past, who am i to say that it won't work now for them too. and let's not take God out of this. some people just know when the time is right regardless of their own desires and feelings, whether it be early or late.

  22. This is a great post. I felt just like you before I got pregnant. Not for nothing, but I REALLY liked my husband and we had a really good thing going - just the two of us. I was really worried how having a baby would change our relationship and my life.

    Once we found out we were expecting (purposefully) we thought "oh crap, what did we just do?". But excitement grew over the next 40 weeks and once our son arrived it was a different kind of love I hadn't known before.

    I still love my husband like crazy and I try to be very in tune to him and his needs to keep our marriage in a safe place. I also try to take care of myself too. I don't feel like I've lost my identity but you do become a bit more of a homebody.

    It's just different and sometimes change is scary. But it's a good kind of scary.

  23. Looking at you list I have to say, all of it is true, but not all the time. All those things have their moment, but if you work hard at each one that feels important, they won't STAY true. I worked hard for a creative outlet (blog), I still read all the time (my favorite), I do get alone time and I dress for me despite having two kids. If it is important to you, you will retain what you want...I promise:)

  24. If you know you don't want kids (for now or forever) and you take measures NOT to have them....that's not selfish. A kid deserves to be loved and adored and kids deserve the best. If you aren't ready to have them then you are totally doing the right thing by waiting.

    I bet you will be a wonderful mother Bonnie, when and if you decide you are ready. I think it's selfish of some moms to never pay attention to their kids and treat them like nuisances. You are making the best choice for you right now :)

  25. I think we can all relate to your list of concerns! I think when we are ready, whenever that it, the concerns start to disappear and confidence that it is the right time takes over. Keep in mind I have no children and sometimes struggle with taking care of my puppy, but that's my view on the subject anyway! :)

  26. You are not selfish! Having kids does take sacrifice, it is hard.
    It is also wonderful and rewarding.
    Don't let others dictate the decision that is between you and the Hubs.
    Just know that God might have other plans.
    When He wants you to have them, you will.
    Enjoy life now, enjoy life then.
    It's all about perspective and choices. You choose your attitude, good or bad.

  27. Hi there. I'm a new-ish follower and thought I'd chip in my two cents: Me and my husband are expecting our first in April - I'm 30, he will be 35. Although I was at the ripe old age of 29 when when we first decided to take the plunge, I was still a little scared but realized I would never truly be READY. I was as ready as we could be. There is always another vacation to take, another promotion to work toward, etc. I wouldn't wait based on things I still had left to do, because life continues after babies and although priorities change and some things, like trips, are harder to arrange and more spaced out, they don't end entirely. However, I'll also say this: Don't have a baby because you think it's "time" based on anyone else's schedule but your own. You're still young and waiting until your 30s is the new normal!

  28. Bon, I was terrified to have a baby. I thought I was too selfish. My husband, who works with kids, who is great with kids, really wanted kids, so how could I say no? I merely made him promise he'd do more than half the work. (Talk about selfish!) Which he agreed to and held up his end of the bargain!

    What I found out was that my being selfish helped me set boundaries (like finding time for myself) and helped me be a better mother.

    You don't need to rush into it - having a baby is not something to check off on a list, it's not something to do because everyone else is doing it.

  29. You stole the idea right out of my mind lol . I'm going to be writing a post about my baby fever !

  30. This was me before I had Olivia. But I knew if I didn't have kids soon I wouldn't get a big family and I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to be alone very much (think Michael Scott from the Office, ha!) So when I talked about needing to have kids soon people always asked if I was baby hungry. Nope never, I don't even LIKE kids. But I got pregnant, felt a little sad, felt a little excited, had Olivia and I seriously FOUND myself. Not like I was made to be a mom, but the flexibility of being a mom vs a teacher gave me so much more freedom to do other things. Suddenly I was sewing every night and starting two new blogs. Yeah, the first four weeks of her life SUCKED (and they were awesome at the same time, because she was beautiful, but. . .) but before I knew it life had returned to a new kind of normal, and it was SO MUCH FUN.

    Anyway, that turned out longer than I intended!! I don't think I ever would have been ready to have kids, but I had to think long term and just do it anyway. Of course that might not be a good idea for everyone! :)

  31. i am just the same. terrified of having children. I am so worried that it will just ruin my life and i won't get to have amazing fun, like I posted about today. it's a dilemma.

  32. When I look at your list, to me a lot of it boils down to wanting to be able to be the best mom possible: to still feel like a complete you, to be able to show your kids what a strong relationship looks like, to nurturing them to be good people. Being scared that you won't be able to do that...not selfish at all.

  33. I know exactly what you mean!! I just got engaged earlier this year and people are already coming at me with the "so when are you going to have kids?" questions. Um, can't I get married and settled in the house we just bought before I start my pregnancy plan? I want to make sure I can enjoy homeownership and marriage before I throw another human into the mix. And I have the same thoughts you do... do I want to sacrifice having free time and being able to be spontaneous? I just don't know!

  34. We were ready to have kids, so when I got pregnant it was scary but not at the same time. I have to tell you, though, NOTHING prepares you for the mess your life will be like afterward. Everything is about baby, so all other things go on the back burner. It's so tough sometimes just balancing baby, marriage, and the house.

    Buuuut it's been so wonderful at the same time. I have my little best friend who has opened all kinds of doors to me. My husband and I feel such joy in having a little baby. And it isn't that hard once you get the hang of it and get in tune with your child.

    I'm still selfish sometimes. I shower every day. I drop her off in daycare to go to the gym. When the husband gets home I hand her off sometimes just to do something by myself. It's okay to be selfish.

  35. Bonnie, I do not think you are being selfish and I think you have thought it out pretty well based on your list. I can completely identify with lot of the things on your list of fears. I think it is important not to bring a child into the world until you are okay with giving up a lot of your freedom, your interests, your time, your sanity, etc.

    Some people seem to parent so easily and seem natural at it. I am not that way. I was never very good with kids and had little experience with them until I had my own. I always thought I would want 3-4 kids. I now have 2 and I think I am done... mostly because post-partum depression sucks! And my baby is almost 2 and I am still somewhere in the middle of working through it.

    I think it is important to be in a good place financially (meaning that you can be smart with your money so that you don't have to go into debt for things you need) and a good place in your marriage, as well as in a good place with yourself. And then, you just have to go for it and you make it work. I often tell myself that many less fortunate, less intelligent, less responsible people than me have successfully raised children, so I think mine will turn out okay.

  36. When you find the answer - please share. I feel the exact same way. Although SOMETIMES I feel as if I could have a baby right now, there are far MORE other times that the thought totally freaks me out!


  37. Oh hun, most of that list does not have to happen to you. I still work part time, so I get out of the house every day. I still have social time, coffee dates with friends and dates with my Hubby. You just need to get a babysitter! It takes a few months to adjust, but you get into a routine and it works out.

  38. hmmm Bon, newish reader here, I have to say I read the post you referenced about hesistating to have the kiddos and while I "Get it" it makes me sad. Our society has a way of putting children way down on the list of important things, of worrying about things that have no eternal perspective. well I guess thats just the difference isn't it? The post you referenced talked about kids making it harder on the marriage. I guess it depends what is your marriage based on? Is it based on fun dates and how "hot" you both look, or is it a eternal marriage wih eternal purpose? I realize that this is not the popular thing to say here, especially reading the fellow comments. I don't think you are selfish but I think you are letting fears dictate your choices and those fears are unjustified. Really go through your list of concerns and instead ask, Did my mom not have a creative outlet? Did my mom have no time with my Dad? Did my mom resent us kids? Did my mom lose herself? etc. Then ask yourself was it worth it for my Mom?

    Then remember you were probably afraid for your mission, and there were all sorts of reasons not to do it. Probably very similar things to the list you made about having kids. And you were not "ready" for a mission. But when you were there wasn't it the best and most amazing thing ever? Having kids is like that but better.

    Its a totally personally choice between you, your hubs, and God but I would say don't base it on fear, but instead base it on faith.

    You will never be ready so don't wait for that.


  39. I think all of your concerns are valid. But because they are concerns for you, I also think you can actively do things to not make them your reality. Sometimes people act like they are in situations beyond their control, but that isn't true. I work in an office that doesn't face a window. There are days when I don't know what the weather is like either. But I have the choice to go for a walk at lunch. I just choose not to do it because it isn't important to me. If going outside every day is important to you, you'll figure out some way to do it, even if it isn't the most convenient because it will be a priority to you.

    Change is never easy and it always comes with challenges. But when you know what is important to you, you can work to sustain those things. Babies don't mean that life ends.

  40. This is so crazy because I composed a post almost exactly like this last week, but haven't found the right time to post it. I completely feel you. How is knowing yourself well enough to realize you aren't ready for kids selfish? I'm not ready to give up "me" time, and I know that, which is why I am actively trying not to have children. In my mind, I'll be a better mother when I'm ready to make the sacrifices I know motherhood requires.

  41. Bonnie, this is a great post! It is not just you that feels the same way especially when people who have been married for less time than you have are starting to have babies. It is super scary and someone once told me there is never the RIGHT time. Just pray and stay in tune, you know :)

  42. I am just like you Bonnie! I feel the same way and have always sort of struggled with thinking maybe I'm just not looking forward to kids because I'm too selfish.

  43. All of your concerns are valid ones and every woman goes through it. It's a transition and you aren't told how much it changes your life.

    However, you are in control you can make sure you keep your identity. See your friends, and make new ones.

    When you are ready for a baby have one don't let the fear decide because the regret of waiting too long can be just as devastating.

  44. Awesome post. Knowing what you want or don't want is never selfish!!

  45. I don't think it is selfish - I think it is smart. I think there are many people in this world that have kids before they are ready, and the kids are the ones who end up paying the price for that. Having a baby is wonderful - but it can be many of the things you list - you have to work to have time for yourself, your husband, to read, to keep you identity, etc. Even with having two stepchildren, I was very hesitant to have a baby and how it would change things for us. But, I have to say, nothing will change you like becoming a mom - it's hard but so amazing, I feel like there aren't even enough words to describe it. But everyone has to decide for themselves what and when is right for them! There's nothing wrong with wanting things for yourself first.

  46. it is not selfish to not be sure if you want children yet. i love my daughter dearly but being a sahm drives me crazy sometimes. i say, travel first, do all the things you dreamed of doing, and save some money, cause we didn't and are paying for it now.

  47. My husband is 5 years older than me and wanted kids right away. I was scared. I am the youngest, and I was not ready to give up my spot of being loved and spoiled and cared for to someone I had to do all those things for. I honestly have no clue when or how it changed. But it did. For me, 6 months (ish) after we were married, I felt ready. Excited. That fear of being selfish went away, not totally. And it is still something I fight for. It is something I strive for.
    I feel like a lot of women I meet "live for there kids" so I say, and it bothers me. Kids don't make your life, they add to it. So when I blog, I am trying to show that life doesn't end when you have kids. Yes, my daughter has totally changed my life and has a HUGE influence in it, and I talk a lot about her. But one day, I want her to leave the nest and shape her own life- and I don't want to collapse because she is gone. So I work really hard to keep building my own person, while trying my best to be a mom.
    My dreams have changed too. But they ALWAYS have. They changed when I got married. I used to dream of marrying a polynesian. Well, my husband is definitely white. So my dreams changed. Now I dream of owning lots of land. One day we are dreaming about him getting his PhD in Ireland, the next we are talking about how to effectively prepare for the zombie apocalypse, and then we move onto talking about saving for our daughters mission. I still dream about traveling, but I don't think it got harder now that I have a daughter. Life doesn't end with kids, it really doesn't.
    They are a part of you, and they make you a better person- that is how you were designed to be (if you want to get all reigious-y), and a GREAT perk of being married, or living near family, is BABYSITTERS. Ya. We don't live near family, so my husband does good at letting me sleep in. Taking her to the park so I can read, take a bath, get my hair done, whatever. But really, just know that life goes on, and it get's better with kids. You chose your husband, and you like yourself- so what would be BETTER, than the two of you smushed together?

  48. There is a time for everything in life. I feel that you'll know when that time is and you will desire to have kids.

  49. I hate to admit that everything on your "list" is a valid frustration that I have legitimately felt at some point in motherhood. You are pretty right on. I've learned that having children is not roses- it's super hard work and takes a lot of personal sacrifice. It's easy to describe the tough parts about being a parent, but not very easy to convey all of the "wonderful" that counteracts the negative. It's there though, and obviously keeps people coming back for more.

    My husband and I were married for 5 years before we were able to do In-Vitro to finally get a baby, and talk about the guilt I felt when I finally had my daughter and STILL found ways to complained about being a mom.

    It's hard for us younger LDS women who had careers first and know what it's like to have gratification outside of the home. A lot of LDS girls get married very young and have kids very young, and so they don't know much different. (No disrespect to those who have done it that way, fo realz.) I yearn for an outlet outside of stay at home motherhood all the time, and I realize that I may need to work a little bit always, for my own sanity.

    This sounds depressing. What I mean to say is that parenting is seriously a sacrifice and it's not all cute and cuddly and easy. It's tough. But somehow, someway, our Heavenly Father makes it beautiful and incredibly worth it. Looking back, I am so grateful for the time my husband and I had, but I would never, ever choose to go back to my days without kids. It's totally radical. How's that for contradiction? :)

  50. Great post! Loved it! I have one and one on the way and most of your fears have been realities of mine at one point or another. But those realities are not there all the time. Yes, there are days when I have been bored and she has driven me crazy. But the sweet smile and cuddles I get somehow make up for it. I do have to make a point to make time for myself. I get out of the house every day- even if it is just to Starbucks or Target or the park, or the gym, or a run or whatever- SOMETHING. Mom's morning out programs can be a lifesaver {worth the money}. The relationship with the hubs is different- not bad, but different. We have to make more of an effort to spend time together- its not impossible and it is not bad. It is just a bit more of a challenge than it was before the baby. I will say it has been amazing to watch the husband as a daddy. I see a completely different side of him that makes me love him in a deeper and different way- and vise versa. I would not trade that for anything. I don't get as many cute clothes- but doesn't bother me as much as I thought because there are other things that bring me joy now that I didn't have before. Did I know that was how it would be before she was born? No, but it happened. Our first baby was planned- but was I ready? Not really. I don't think you ever can be completely ready because honestly nothing prepares you. I'm not saying get pregnant tomorrow, but if you don't ever feel completely "ready" I think that is normal. I'm just going to address a couple more- I did get my body back after my first. I worked hard for it, but it was worth it for my sanity. Will it come back after #2? Who knows. I hope so. Vacations are going to be different for us for awhile- at least until kids are older. Part of me misses the old vacations, but it is fun to watch the baby explore and have fun now too. This is not a well written stream of consciousness, but it is some of my thoughts as they have come. You are not selfish and you have very realistic thoughts and fears. Good questions to think about before you decide to take the plunge (if you ever choose to or find yourself in a "surprise" pregnancy)

  51. I feel the exact same way. And you know what? I don't think you're selfish. Right at this moment, you DON'T have why should you feel guilty or selfish for not worrying or wanting something you don't have anyway? Does that make sense? You and your husband are young, and I still feel like you just got married! So take your time. Live your life. And if the yearning for a baby comes, deal with it in the futue, with your hubs. Don't let other people make you feel guilty.

  52. I just had a baby three months ago, and I struggled with many of the same things you do. I'm a woman who needs time alone to recharge, and I was so afraid that having children would rob me of me of me, that I would lose myself completely.

    Certainly my life has changed, but I've still been able to find time for myself and for my husband. And in my case, caring for my babe is not like caring for other children. (I was never huge on babysitting as a teen). My heart changed when we had a baby, and while I still have to make time for those more personal and relationship priorities, our baby has slipped into our existing lives very easily.

    You're not selfish for struggling with these thoughts and feelings. Not at all. Sometimes I still struggle with them, but I've realized (after three whole months of motherhood) that to find the right balance, I have to take initiative and make priorities, go with the flow and accept a different—and so often, wonderful—normal.

  53. I don't think it is selfish at all. My hubby and I have talked about this same subject many times. I want to be ready to have children and know they will have a good home. I don't want to just start having children because everyone else is. I figure when and if the time is right, God will tell us. That time might be a week from now or a few years from now, but if it is meant to be I will have kids some day.

    By the way, now you've got me wanting to talk about this topic on my blog. Mind if I link to your post?

  54. I would agree with most of the worries on your list. I have one daughter who is 2 and 3/4 yrs old. I have been a SAHM since she was born. There are days we don't eave the house and that I am bored and that I am too strict and too loose! However, we travel a great deal with our daughter so travel is not only possible but really good fun with a little person in tow. We were together for nearly 6 years before we had our daughter and it was no easy road conceiving her but it isn't all sunshine and roses even when the child is greatly loved and wanted. However, if you go in with your eyes open it is so much fun. Some days are crappy and some days are wonderful and really that is life with or without kids.

  55. First of all, let me start by saying that everyone has weaknesses and fears and they are not all the same. We should all be thankful that they are different. And it is no one's place to judge. But I do have a few thoughts I suppose I wanted to share. As I was reading through your list, I had several thoughts come into my mind. A question first, do you already do/have all of those things all at once? Most likely no, unless you are super woman. Do you always have time for reading? Do you always have time for hanging out with friends? Do you always have time to hang out with your husband? Do you always have time or money for cute clothes? Can you always do everything? Most of our life is composed of juggling several responsibilities and interests. You never have it all, all the time. The same is with Motherhood. I have 2 kids. 2 1/2 and 1 1/2. They are 10 1/2 months apart. I read 25 books this past summer. I make crafty stuff all the time, because that is my creative outlet. When you have other mom friends, you find one who likes to be more active and it is really fun doing things together. There is not a rule that you have to be excited to have a kid to know that you are ready to have kids. Having your own kids is completely different than babysitting someone else's or having nieces or nephews. As for getting boring, there are a lot of fun activities to do that adults do not care about but because you have kids that get so excited about it, it becomes so much fun for you! Lastly, It really comes down to faith and Ether 12:27. Do you believe it? Can faith change something? What do you have to do for that to happen? Does it just come because you have hope? Or do you have to work? And one more thing, trust me-your husband will not ignore you when you have kids ;) I hope that doesn't come off as too preachy...maybe it did. It is much easier in person.

  56. Hi Bonnie :D First I want to tell you that your blog is brillant! I've really enjoyed reading your post, and I admire your writting style. Next I'd like for you to know you are not alone. I wll be 33 in January and I am still not ready for any babies. Times are scary out there, and I do belive having kids changes everything in your world. So never feel like you have to bend, each person is unique, and maybe your doing your "maternal" duties by teaching other people's kids. :) The village that it takes to raise a child..well your apart of that village. I'm happy we stumbled across one another, and I look forward to following your Blog. Have a wonderful weekend! Xo

  57. This list is exactly why I keep putting off having kids!! I totally agree- it's definitely something to think about before just jumping into it.

  58. You guys should wait. I promise the desire will come. Don't keep fretting about it. You're still super young. 26. In Utah terms I guess that's not "that young", but honestly you are. If you're not ready now and have no desire, definitely wait. Having a kid is HARD work and you definitely sacrifice A LOT of what you used to do. Bonnie, you also have the choice to work. Just because you have a kid doesn't mean that you have to stay at home. You strike me as the type, similar to myself, that needs an outlet. I think you would go crazy staying at home. I'm' going back to work and I'm actually really excited. I love Emery with all my heart but it can be very monotonous, and unfulfilling staying at home. That may sound "selfish" but it's just the truth. If you have no desire then you won't suddenly be ecstatic staying at home with a baby. so wait. there's nothing wrong with that! If you were 35, that'd be a different story. Just my thoughts, but I think we are similar in a lot of ways and I think i've struggled with similar thoughts and feelings. You guys will figure it out on your own terms and time frame. Don't let the Utah county pressure get to you. Don't feel like you're selfish because you're 26 and don't have kids yet! You're so young! Love ya.

  59. HI! I didn't take the time to read through all the other comments, so I don't know if someone said this already...but that list you wrote? All choices. NOT things that every mother gives up. If you don't want to spend all day inside, take the baby out. go for a ride. lay on a blanket. go to the park. Choose to make your relationship with your hubs even better. Life is what you make it. Truthfully, it is hard in the beginning. Really hard. And then it gets awesome. Freakin' awesome. Get a babysitter. Put 'em to bed early and read for hours. work out. order pizza. it's just one more lovely thing to kiss good night.

  60. I don't think your selfish for not having kids until you are sure about what you want. BUT, I am a little, tiny bit hurt by the post. Kinda reminds me how "non parents" think of my "parenting" life.

    I have a very full life, full of friends, time with my husband, time for myself, travelling, and my own identity. I do understand your fear, since you don't really know what it'll be like, but my life rocks. Yes, I have kids and a few sacrifices have been made, but you make it work and you figure out a whole new way of living. It's different, sure, but in a lot of ways it's better. Not worse.

  61. Don't feel that you are selfish for not wanting kids yet. It just means that you guys are not ready. I know that in Utah people start having kids super early but you have to stay true to yourself and your family. The desire will eventually come but until then just love life!

  62. OMG thanks so much for posting this!!! I've been married 5 yrs, am almost 32,and thought sure I would have 2+ kids by now. But....the bug to have them just hasn't bitten yet. My husband wants them so badly and so kids may soon be in my future but I think about this issue a lot. I'm totally content with life as-is. Why mess it up?

  63. Anonymous7:09 AM

    I think it's funny that all the fuss about how this list is not right comes from mothers. In my opinion, a lot of this list is correct, and I know because I am a Mom. It's the CHOOSING if this list will effect you, I think that's the main difference. Deep down inside lots of this list is true and mothers will tend to cover up just because they don't want to admit to themselves that having kids costs so much socially, mentally, emotionally, physically that sometimes it makes their lives look pathetic. However, deep down inside the unbelievable joy that comes with having kids makes up all the difference.

  64. About 6 months after my husband and I got married, we had a friend tell us to our face that we were selfish because we hadn't tried to have a baby. At the time, I was only 25, he was only 27, and we had JUST bought our first house. Oh, and this person KNEW I had fertility issues, so I'm not sure why she even went there.

    Suffice it to say, I was livid about it. For a long time, I was in the "no kids" club because I had fertility issues. We figured we would get pregnant if it was meant to be and if it was in His plan, which coincidentally, was 8 years after we had gotten married.

    You are NOT selfish for not wanting to have kids just yet. Clearly you have put a lot of thoughts into reasons why you're not ready and that's ok. What is selfish is when someone has a baby because they are "supposed to" as the next step, or because they are trying to fill in a void in their life.

    That being said, now that I am a mom, I will admit, it offers some challenges, but many of those challenges (like waking up in the middle of the night, etc) are far outweighed by the love you experience when you have a child. That love you feel when you hold your child is something that is so amazing and is hard to put into words. YOu will feel a love that is so strong and your heart will swell.

    I am not sure how old you are, but I am guessing you are WAY younger than me (i'm 35) and I JUST had a baby last year when I was 34- and I'm glad he came at that stage in my life- we were more financially stable, I knew what I wanted out of life, and I'm far more confident in myself than I was 10 years ago when I got married.

    So don't rush to have a baby, do it when you are ready, and poop on those rude people who try to tell you things like you are selfish if you don't have one now.

  65. interesting topic. maybe she is selfish, and maybe you are too. but, that is fine. i don't think anyone should ever, ever have kids before they are ready just because their spouse {or their mama or whoever} is ready. kids are beyond full time ... and all that other stuff you listed. don't feel guilty ... you'll know when it's time ... i went back and forth and back and forth ... and then, when i was ready, i was very ready

  66. I agree with every single one of these points. I have been married for almost three years, and I find it absolutely infuriating that everyone in my life is pressuring me to have a baby. I'm 28, not 40. I don't see what the rush is, and I also don't understand when it became acceptable to push your own agenda on people just because you see it as the right time for them. I want to do so many things still, and I feel that no one thinks that I need to achieve anything else other than to become a mother.

    When I was younger, I assumed I would want to have kids at 27. I got married at 25, and I thought 2 years seemed like just the right amount of time to be alone and then start having them before you get "too old." Now I'm 28, and I feel that each year my desire to have a child has gone down to the point that I can't even determine a perfect time. I would be doing my husband and a child a disservice to have one right now. I think it's actually less selfish to not have a child that you're not in a position to take care of (which I am not right now, I started a new job a few months ago and am in no financial position to take care of a baby). But more importantly, I just... don't want one right now. I don't know why we have to make excuses for ourselves just so people won't think that we're bitches. Because I get the stink eye whenever I respond to people that I'm just not interested.