The Life of Bon: Why some things are

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Why some things are

This week in blog land, a popular male blogger admitted to the blogging community and to the world that he is gay.  I have following Dan of Single Dad Laughing for awhile, mostly because it's kind of impossible not to.  Anytime he writes a brilliant post it's all over my facebook wall.  Yes, Dan I hear you laughing- laughing all the way to the bank, in fact.  You may have seen his "I'm Christian, unless your gay" post as well as his "16 ways I blew my marriage."  They run rampant on these interwebs of ours.

I was really surprised to hear that Dan is gay because he has been married twice (to women) and has stated repeatedly on his blog that he is straight.  He has always stood up for gays, but made sure to label himself a straight alliance.

Growing up in a culture that is so conservative, it has taken me awhile to figure out where I stand in the gay issue.  I was born and raised in the Mormon church- a church I still actively participate in and love with all my heart.  Mormons believe in marriage in the traditional sense- one man one woman.


Sometimes with the whole gay issue I wanna just put my head on the table, bang it repeatedly until someone takes notice and scream out, "Who even cares?!?  Why does it matter if someone is gay or straight?  What difference does it make in my personal life?  Why is it my business if Jack chooses to marry a man or a woman?  And why are we wasting so much energy and thought and passion on something that is totally innocuous when you look at the big picture?  With all the damages, the evils, the suffering in the world, we are choosing to focus so much of our energy on this issue?  THIS one?!?  How about prostitution or poverty or world hunger or pornography or child abuse or nuclear warfare or alcoholism?!?  These are the real dangers our country is facing.  The real harm!"

One of my very very favorite gospel teaching is the concept of agency.  Because God loves us so much he lets us make our own choices.  He didn't have to give us agency, but He did.  I am so thankful to God for letting me make my choices- for letting me decide to become a teacher, for letting me say "Yes!" to Hubs' marriage proposal, for letting me pursue my love of writing.  How could I, as someone who values her agency so much, tell someone else that can't have agency because they would choose differently than I do?

Sometimes I wonder about the man upstairs.  He certainly has an interesting way of doing things.  There are a lot of questions I have for Him when I see Him (Why can't I carry a tune?  Why did you let me fail my 9th grade biology class?  Why couldn't I have been born 6 inches taller?) but I think my first question will be why He commanded his children to marry someone of the opposite sex but then only gave that desire to some.  It doesn't seem too fair that some people are automatically attracted to the opposite sex and some are not.

But then I just tell myself to stop worrying so much about it and just leave it up to God.  He knows what He's doing. This was never about me, it's not supposed to me about me.  So I'll just leave it in God's hand and trust that He has it all figured out.  Because He does.

One of my favorite quotes the last time I posted about this issue was from my college roommate and bestie, Sally.  She stated:

The New Testament is rife with stories that try to explain that God doesn't judge us all the same. The story about the talents - he gives some 10, some 5, and some 1...the story about the workers in the field that are called at different hours of the day...

I think the most important thing that we need to do is just show love and kindness. God does not ask us to be judgmental or cruel. He asks us to love one another. If we all had Christ-like love, I believe that God would bless us with the knowledge of why some things are.

Couldn't have said it better myself, Sal Sal.  I totally agree with Sally that if we were all more loving and accepting, God would give us more knowledge about why some things are.  

I guess I find it interesting that we sort of pick and choose the commandments we want to obey.  A couple of popular commandments, for example...  #1: God told man to marry woman.  #2:  He also told man to show charity, kindness, compassion.  To not judge, to love openly.  To be patient and forgiving and to do as to others as he would have them do unto him.  

Somewhere in our quest for keeping #1 and making sure that every other person in the country is in keeping with #1, did we forget about #2 completely?  Is there some kind of totem pole of commandments?  Some that are more important to keep than others?  Is #2 on the bottom of the pole, only to be followed if all the others are kept?  It's funny the emphasis we seem to be putting on #1, when #2 was the crux of all the Savior's teachings.  Not #1.

I often think about what kind of a world my children will grow up.  In many ways, I think it will be much worse than this world.  But in some ways, I hope it can be better.  I hope for a world of more acceptance.  More love.  More patience.  More understanding.  More compassion.

No matter who you are.
And no matter who you are attracted to.

If you like or agree with this post I would love for you to link it to your facebook or twitter. 
Ya'll are the best.  


  1. Dan is handsome. I love Neil Patrick Harris. I just finished watching How I Met Your Mother.. he's so hilarious..

  2. Well said! I just discovered your blog through Story of My Life and I'm your newest follower.

  3. Girl, I'm so with you.
    Also very, very active in the Mormon church. Do not believe that homosexuality is a sin in the slightest. We shouldn't judge others, but as you said, leave it up to God, because He knows what He's doing.

    Can I get an AMEN! Haha.


  4. Thank you for sharing this. I've been LDS my whole life. I believe homosexuality is wrong, and it is a sin, but I view it the same as having sex before you're married. Both sins, but most people in our church view one of those sins as so much worse than the other. We forget about agency. We need to spend more time focusing on our own lives, instead of someone else's. Christ himself said that the greatest of the commandments, is to love one another. That is what we need to focus on, instead of judging someone else for sinning differently than us.

  5. Thank you for sharing this. I've been LDS my whole life. I believe homosexuality is wrong, and it is a sin, but I view it the same as having sex before you're married. Both sins, but most people in our church view one of those sins as so much worse than the other. We forget about agency. We need to spend more time focusing on our own lives, instead of someone else's. Christ himself said that the greatest of the commandments, is to love one another. That is what we need to focus on, instead of judging someone else for sinning differently than us.

  6. Thank you for sharing this. I've been LDS my whole life. I believe homosexuality is wrong, and it is a sin, but I view it the same as having sex before you're married. Both sins, but most people in our church view one of those sins as so much worse than the other. We forget about agency. We need to spend more time focusing on our own lives, instead of someone else's. Christ himself said that the greatest of the commandments, is to love one another. That is what we need to focus on, instead of judging someone else for sinning differently than us.

  7. I'm not sure if I agree with you on everything in this post (more because I don't know where I actually stand on the whole issue really), but I 100% agree with you that we are wasting a whole lot of energy on this issue when, let's be honest, there are bigger fish to fry (like poverty, prostitution etc)

  8. I'm really glad you posted this. That is all!

  9. Anonymous5:24 AM

    This is a truly great blog post and I agree with you completely! Very well said! I will share this post! You know, I just have to wonder if some people have this other wrong "desire" because that is the trial they have to overcome? I mean, some people are prone to alcoholism, or promiscuity or something... You know? Maybe it is something to pray about and defeat? I don't know. And since I don't know, I don't judge. I leave it to God. More people should learn to do that. Again, great post!

  10. Totally agree that entirely too much energy is spent on this issue instead of focusing our energy elsewhere. Jesus hung out with lepers and thieves yet we judge like there is no tomorrow. Let people be who they want to be for we are not the judge! Love others, it's as simple as that really.

    Awesome post girl!

  11. I love your blog and i love that you discuss the tough issues. I like what you have to say and that you face the fact that it is confusing. I am lds and have my own understanding on this topic and i do love those who are struggling with this. I love them and i don't judge them but there is something i wish those fighting for same sex marriage would stop saying. They say if they get married it won't affect my life, and that i shouldn't care but it affects my life profoundly on whether they get married or not. My life as a parent will change, the things that i don't think my young children should be exposed to will have to be handled at a younger age when they are not ready to understand nor are capable of understanding. It will change my children's lives forever. It affects my life and it matter. I am a nanny for a non lds family in chicago and there have been so many situations where i want to cry for these children who know about same sex marriage and will never have the correct understanding about it. When a four year old tells you "boys and boys can get married" you feel so sad and know that since they were exposed to this very difficult issue at such a young age it will be harder to get the correct understanding about it in the future. It matter but yes it may not be as important as all of those other issues but we can't back down if they will not. We have been told as lds members to not support same sex marriage so we can't back down when it is the current issue.

  12. I could not have said it better myself! I completely agree with you. Many times my family will have this discussion. And coming from a Christian home, my family is always shocked to hear how I feel about homosexuality. I don't think we have the right to judge them. They have their own battles to face and we should love them like Christ loves us. Who is to say their sin is greater than mine? No one! Thanks so much for sharing this today!

  13. I completely agree with you, why is it even a bother? Why do people care? At least they're loving someone and they are loved back. Is there nothing more wonderful than that?

  14. Very well said. This is such a bigger issue these days than it needs to be, why are we focusing on who people love over all of the hatred and evil that is out there in the world?
    My brother in law is gay and in a very committed relationship. I see more love and respect in that relationship than what I see in most "straight" relationships. It is not our place to pass judgement, but to love and care for everyone.

  15. This issue doesn't affect me directly, other than finding a balance between accepting others and teaching my children to love others no matter their struggles, but because we are from Washington I just want you to know how refreshing your observations are, especially because they're coming from Utah!

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  18. And I will definitely share this on facebook :)

  19. This is exactly how I feel! I've struggled with this concept for so long. I've heard repeatedly that a gay couple getting married desecrates marriage for the rest of us, yet countless divorces and the rampant infidelity in today's culture doesn't? People will vote for a politician that repeatedly cheats on his wife, because he says that gay marriage isn't right. No, a gay couple that truly loves each other in no way affects or desecrates my marriage, those that do not take their vows seriously, those are the ones that desecrate marriage to me. And then people say being gay is a choice, but let me ask you then, when you decided to be straight? In the end, why put so much energy into judging others choices, and take a look at our own...and like you said focus on the bigger issues facing today's society.

  20. Wonderful post. Totally agree with you!!! Going to his blog right now! Can't wait to read.

    Happy Friday!!


  21. Great Post. I struggle with this issue because I am a firm believer in the Bible and I think to some extent it's very black and white. However, if you read the bible and your only takeaway is that a man should marry a woman... I'm not convinced you got the point of Christianity, Right? And to be honest there are many gay couples that are doing a MUCH better job at marriage and raising kids than some straight couples!

  22. First, as much as you hate mean comments from bloggers (I mean, anyone would), this sure is going to expose you to some! Not from me, though.

    I've thought this same thing (generally) many, many times. I am a Christian, and I belong to the United Methodist Church. As some of my Southern Baptist friends believe, I and my church are just crazy liberals. Not really. My belief in love is liberal: everyone needs and deserves it. My belief in God's love is liberal: everyone gets it. But then, some don't "get" it.

    I had a very close friend tell me one day that one of her friends from high school had moved to Seattle and had come out. This guy was one of her best high school friends. And she sat there and told me that she could never be his friend again because he was now part of something she didn't approve of. I protested, "But he's not a different person! He's the same as he ever was, he's just now admitted he's gay. As a friend, don't you want him to be who he really is?" She said no, she couldn't be friends with someone like that. And my heart broke.

    Because this girl, one of my very best friends, who I love with all of my heart--despite her flaws (we all have them)--this girl who considers herself such a devout Christian, was missing the ENTIRE point, in my liberal, Methodist opinion. LOVE. LOVE is the point.

    I'm not going to call homosexuality a sin. I refuse to do so. It is not my place to label anything a sin, because by simply doing so makes me stand in judgment of another. And I'm not meant to do that. All I'm meant to do is LOVE. While I don't always do that as much as I should, hate and judgment aren't going to get me any closer to the thing I'm supposed to be doing. LOVE. It seems pretty simple to me.

  23. Here is what I know. The Bible is the word of God. Everything it says is true. So when I read in it that practicing homosexuality is a sin, I know it to be true. The Bible also says that Christians should not gossip, so when I gossip, I'm just as guilty of sin. I definitely belive that we often think that the sin of homosexuality is way worse than the sin of gossip, but it's not. When I say something is a sin that the Bible says is a sin, I'm not passing my own judgment. I'm using God's word. I agree that there's not enough love from Christians, but we have a responsibility to tell others about God and His word. It's for the sake of their souls. I appreciate once again your honesty and decision to blog about such a touchy subject. The comments thus far seem pretty civil, and I hope it stays that way!

  24. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I go back and forth on this issue all of the time. But the more I think about it... the more I'm just like "Who cares? God still loves them whether it's right or wrong. Therefore I should love them too. THE END." I'm a huge supporter of the LGTBQ community, but with my job (working in a church and all...) I can't be as vocal about it as I'd like. But I love reading about other Christians who have struggled with their views on this topic and simply want to love people the way Christ has called us to. It helps me to remember that while with some circles my opinions are the unpopular ones, I'm not the only who thinks this way.

  25. Anonymous7:49 AM

    Love is love is love and nobody should give two flying flips who someone marries, amiright?! No one told me that I couldn't marry my wonderful husband just because they didn't like us together, so who are we to say a man can't marry another man or a woman can't marry another woman. Sadly, I think we get lost in gender and sexuality so much these days that we forget we are all PEOPLE, with emotions, the greatest of which is the ability to love. Rather than waste it because the big bad government threatens us, we must put that ability to good use, no matter who it is toward! I'm not singly for gay marriage or straight marriage or lifelong singlehood ~ I'm for loving and being loved in return, something we all deserve. Can I get an AMEN?!

  26. Bonnie, I really think you hit the heart of the matter on this issue - the most important thing is that we treat one another with kindness, dignity and respect.

  27. Here's what I 'd like to know- why are people allowed to get remarried after divorce? Didn't God say that wasn't allowed either? Did you know the bible also says women shouldn't speak in the house of God? And that "rounded haircuts" are forbidden? As well as ham sandwiches, lobster, and shrimp? No joke.

    This discussion is one of the few things that really gets me heated. Why would anyone put restrictions on someone wanting to LOVE someone else. I mean we're sure as hell allowed to hate whoever we want, I think our world's made that one quite clear.

    And on that note, I need to work on The Best Week Ever to lighten my mood.

  28. Anonymous8:03 AM

    I am really shocked at how you mormons don't stand up against an issue like this. I have been SUPER turned off by your faith because you do not think homosexuality is sin, which is what it is...SIN! You people always seem to leave out this verse while dealing with this topic...

    1 Corinthians 6:9-11
    Don't you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don't fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people-none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God. Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. (NLT)

    And yes, I love homosexuals, and so does God! But you cannot call yourself a christian and practice homosexuality. Just like you can't call yourself a christian if you are sleeping around! That is living in sin!

  29. i know i'm going to get flack for this... but...
    though i disagree on some points, i have felt a lot of the same feelings. but as i study more about this and the impact it will have on families, society, the economy, the government, etc. i don't think it's such a small issue that should be ignored to work on other things. i believe that families come first. and i also hate when people pull the "when straight couples are getting divorced so often, why are we so worried about gay marriage?" well. i personally will not be getting a divorce and do not believe that is should be so rampant as it is today. unlike todays world, i believe in working for things. and i also believe in working to maintain the traditional family unit that God set apart. i think it's easier to say "let it happen and let's focus on other things." i think it's harder to stand up for the things that God would like us to stand up for. and i think this is a very personal subject to me because i'm from california and during the Prop 8 time, it was a huge issue for me and i did a lot of studying and praying about the subject especially when good friends of mine called me a horrible person for believing the things i do. but i truly do understand where you are coming from and i do believe that marriage is amazing and something worth fighting for, but there is so much more to this than letting people love who they want to. but i have many gay friends and love them all dearly and they are kind enough to accept me for my beliefs, just the same as i accept and love them.
    now commenters please don't murder me...

  30. Awesome post girl. Agreed, 100%.

  31. I knew I was going to link to this on FB before I even got to the bottom and saw your note. AWESOME post, Bon. Couldn't have said it better myself.

  32. I already loved you, but I have to say that I seriously love you even more after this post!

    I totally agree with you on all points. I'm not LDS, but it's something that I've considered and I have to admit that my being a liberal has really made me stray away from the idea of joining the Mormon church.

    I read all of the above comments and I'm so glad that they have (for the most part) remained civil. My main argument for gay marriage to those who cite biblical references against it is this: America is not a theocracy. You can't make laws that affect people based on a religion's teachings. That's in the first amendment. Just because someone may believe it's wrong and against God, okay, that's fine. But it doesn't matter.

    My husband used to be against gay marriage, citing many of the arguments that people left above. (specifically Bethany, I really would love to talk to you. Not in a mean way! I'm genuinely curious.) But over time he realized that it was not something that we had the right to decide.

    If God believes that homosexuality is wrong, He will deal with it when that time comes for that person. But it is not up to us to judge them. Again, I'm so glad that you wrote this post and wholeheartedly agree with you!

  33. ahh, I wrote a very similar post on this after the election. I agree wholeheartedly with you bon! and you said it better than anyone could. :)

    I'll link you the post and my twitter.



  34. This is great, Bon!

    I agree with you! And lots of the other commenters. We are wasting WAY too much time on worrying about this issue when there are SO many more important ones out there. Why should we concern ourselves if someone is completely happy being in a relationship with someone of the same sex, instead of all these families that are starving and suffering, children that are being abused, women selling themselves. It's absolutely ridiculous! I love your brutal honesty!


  35. Here is what I think, but of course it would mean a huge government overhaul so it will never happen, BUT, I don't think the government should be allowed to issue marriages AT ALL. To anyone. They don't issue baptisms, do they? They don't issue sacraments, do they? No. Marriage began as a religious ceremony and then the government took it and used it for other things insurance and taxes. I think the government should only be allowed to give civil unions to everyone, straight, gay, polygamists, etc. And then you can get married by what ever church you want. The Catholic church does recognize my LDS baptism and therefore the LDS church wouldn't have to recognize if a different religion allowed same sex marriages. And heck, the polygamists on Sister Wives could have as many religious marriages as they want and the government would only recognize the first couple who also had a civil union (that's pretty much how it is anyway)

    So I solved one major problem in the US. I'm gonna go work on national debt now. . .

  36. I just want to post an additional comment to my earlier one. I agree with what has been mentioned, that we can't enforce any kind of morality on the country as a whole (because if the govt tried to enforce Buddhism, I wouldn't live by it's standards). However, I don't like the argument that if people are happy doing something they should be allowed to do it. When we decide what is right or wrong based on our own ideas of happiness, we really miss the mark. Read the book of Judges and count how many times the phrase "and the people did what was right in their own eyes" is used. I really hope my comments are coming across in a civil manner, because that's definitely the intent. I worry that tone can be misinterpreted, especially because I tend to be pretty straightforward, so sometimes that makes me seem rude or blunt when I'm totally not meaning to be. I also don't want to use a bunch of smiley faces or something just to convey my tone. It's a serious topic in my opinion, so I don't take it lightly.

  37. Oh, one more thing. About being nice and all that, I had several gay friends in high school and one of them touched my heart so deeply in my year book when he wrote: "In a world where people can be mean and cynical its so nice to find someone as genuinely kind as you." And he knew all of my feelings on same sex acts, how I thought they were wrong, etc. It is possible to show someone you love them and respect them with out agreeing with them.

    Okay, the end.

  38. Amazing post! I cried and cried reading Dan's post. I felt for him.

    This post of yours put my thoughts into words!

    XO Lourdes

  39. Thank you so much for posting this! I have officially shared this on my facebook because I simply believe everyone deserves to be happy and accepted.

    Love your blog. Have a great Friday!


  40. You are amazing Bonnie. I felt the same way after reading Dan's post, I had even thought about writing a post of my own on this topic. I just feel like it is such a non-issue. It's not my place to judge, ANYONE. Arguing with homosexuals, telling them they are sinning, hoping to change them, trying to make them have a different life, these things are only going to push them away and tell them that they are not accepted for who they are. God doesn't love straight people any more than he loves homosexuals, so what right do I have to say someone doesn't deserve love and respect?

  41. I have to admit, when I saw his post yesterday about bing gay, I was sad. I don't know why. I suppose because it is always hard to see someone you look up to choosing a different life style than you.
    When I started reading your post, I got annoyed- and wasn't going to read it. This is such a hard issue and I like to avoid it. But because I really like your blog, I knew I needed to come back and read it.
    I agree with you that we put too much time on this issue. And we all have our own thoughts and ideas on it.
    My husband and I have both sort of agreed/stated, that if we were not Mormon, we probably would be pro-gay marriage, because it just makes sense. I don't want to me mean or anti-gay, more, I want to be pro-families, pro man and women marriages. There are so many thoughts and issues I have with this topic, but it doesn't really matter because people could quote scripture, philosophers, science, etc, all day long.
    It is what it is.

  42. Great post! So true and well put! I am always flabbergasted at people who quote the Bible to say gay marriage is not right when I remember from my earliest years of Sunday school the emphasis on loving your neighbor as yourself and treating everyone as you wish to be treated. Why is it that people fail to remember that part?! Love is and should be the most important thing one lives by. If we did a lot more loving the world would be such a better place.

  43. I just came across your blog and I just want to say that I think it's great that you are bringing this up, because I'm sure as a Mormon it's not easy. To me gay marriage is an issue of equality, and if you believe in equal rights, than I don't understand how you can be against it. I don't know how someone being gay changes or devalues anything in your own life, but I know people get very sensitive about this, so I think it's great you took the time to post something.

  44. i guess it's weird for me living in NYC to even imagine a person who doesn't support gay marriage. it is just so obvious to me that if two people love each other, they should be able to marry each other. i get really riled up when people claim religion as a reason why two gay people shouldn't be allowed to get married because those are (usually) the same people talking up and down about the constitution and the constitution established separation of church and state.

    to the people who have a problem with gay marriage, i say this: don't marry a gay person!

    i think it's really great for you to write a post about this from the Mormon perspective ...i always find it totally crazy that people pick and choose what they want to follow from the Bible...I'm pretty sure (and correct me if I'm wrong) that the most important thing Jesus was all about was that whole - Love thy neighbor thing!

  45. My husband and I talked a lot about this around the election time.

    As a Christian I believe that marriage should be between one man and one woman. However does that mean I'm not going to love and be friends with people who don't believe that? Of course not! God doesn't tell us to go and judge others, he tells us to love them all. I can love someone and not agree with what they are doing.

    On the other side, our country has made it very clear that there is a separation of church and state as well as equal rights for all. Therefore I don't see how as a country we can deny people equal rights based on religious beliefs. We can not have it both ways.

  46. I've posted a link on my FB so my friends can find your brilliant post. Thank you for your thoughts. I completely agree.

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  48. As if I could ever love you more!!!! This post is perfect! I am not LDS but I completely agree that it is not up to US to judge others, and I completely agree that there are matters of life and death we should be worrying about rather than other peoples love life - honestly sometimes I feel like I'm watching a soap opera when I see how upset people get over homesexuality - like, no one is making you do it so why does it matter? Many of us have had a significant other/or someone close with a signifincant other at some point that our friends or fam didn't like, but you accept the fact that they're in love and you move on. Now, lets focus on things of importance! Child hunger, homelessness,denied access to health care, animal abuse, any abuse.... lets make noise about those issues! Great post Bon!

  49. Exactly. I will never understand how people can so fervently act in ingorance disguised as "faith" or "religion." It's nice to hear/read these words straight from a Mormon. I do not think that supporting the rights of gay people and believing in God are mutually exclusive.

  50. Ah I love Neil Patrick Harris & his hubby! They're so adorable! But really I agree - who the F cares if you're gay or straight. Why does it matter?! Does it keep you up at night? No it doesn't! Get over it & move on!

  51. I swear I'm just going to hire you to write all my blog posts. You literally read my mind with everything you write...and write it so much better than me. My post for tomorrow is kind of along this whole premise. I am putting this link in it!


  52. Your post compelled me to really figure out and articulate how I feel on this issue. I wrote up a post for my blog as well!

  53. AMEN! Yes yes YESSSSS!

    This issue has always been a point of contention for me as a Christian. But I completely agree with what you are saying... I love the Casting Crowns song Jesus Friend Of Sinners - really brings to light how so many christians miss the boat on the message of Christ which is to LOOOOOVE not to JUDGE!

    Here is one of my favorite lines from that song: "Nobody knows what we're for only what we're against when we judge the wounded
    What if we put down our signs crossed over the lines and love like You did"

    Thank you so much for writing about this!


  54. Anonymous10:34 AM

    I was actually going to ask you about this in an email, but noticed it was mentioned in another comment.

    Thank you thank you thank you for pointing out #2. I think so many people forget that...

    And you're right about the bigger picture. So many people are focused on what they think is the right way they forget about that.

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