Monday, December 03, 2012

Making friends after college- why it sucks


So I guess I miss my friends.

I have always been an outgoing person- surrounding myself with hordes and hordes of people.  The more, the merrier in my book.  In college I lived with my best friends.  Our lives were constant cycles of prank wars, swapping boyfriends, borrowing clothes, and staying up late watching The Office while inhaling tubes of cookie dough.

My college besties have mostly scattered by this point.  Two live in Arizona, one lives in New Mexico, one lives in California, and one lives in Colorado.  A few still live here in Utah, but one with plans to move to Connecticut in the spring.  Sometimes I sit back and look at pictures of college and wonder, "How is it possible that that is already over?"

But the thing is any time I have been separated from friends in the past, I have just found more friends.  "Oh, Amy can't come?  Ask Brooke upstairs if she wants to!"  I would never suggest that my friends were replacable, but there was always more friends to add to the number if someone wasn't around.  Friends were easily made, and one was never lonely.

So now tell me.  What is the deal with making friends when you're married?  Am I the only one who thinks it somehow seems so much more difficult?  My bonds with my college friends are stronger than steel.  But they ain't around anymore.  So time to find someone new who will watch Bachelor and paint their toenails with me.  But living just with Hubs and not in a college apartment complex, I don't even know how to go about meeting new girls.  Girls I do meet, at church or school, I enjoy talking to, but seem a far cry from the besties I partied away my early twenties with.  I have trouble connecting like I used to.  Is it because now we  have husbands who are our #1 priority, or is it because instead of ditching class to stalk boys on facebook we now have jobs we have to go to?  What makes it more difficult to make friends after college? 

Don't get me wrong.  I love hanging with Hubs.  Of all my friends, he's my favorite one I've ever had.  But he's busy a lot.  And even when he's not busy, we still have different interests.  As much as I wish it were so, Hubs doesn't want to go shopping and get a pedicure with me.  Nor does her care that Kate Middleton is preggers (EEK!).  Also, I need more social interaction than Hubs does.  I am an extrovert and get my energy by being around people.  Hubs is an introvert and gets his energy by relaxing and being by himself.  Meaning that if I stay in and watch movies all day on Saturday with Hubs I am going to explode my Bon energy all over everybody before the night is through.  Friends for a girl like me are an absolute necessity.

The New York Times ran this article in July about making friends as an adult.  It is fascinating to me. Are there more friends out there for me in this great big world, or is my friend count maxed out?

How do you make friends after college?  And does having a significant other make it even more difficult?  How about babies?  Do they complicate friendships even further?!?  You better believe that when I have babies I'm going to use those bad boys as tools to make more friends.  "Hey!  You have a baby?!?  I have a baby!!!  Let's go to the mall together!"

Anybody who has made tons of friends after college want to share your wisdom with us?  Where do you make friends- especially if you are not working?  And do you keep in touch with your friends from college and high school?  My brother once told me that friendship is merely a matter of convenience- that friendships disintegrate as soon as it is not convenient anymore.

Please.  Say it ain't so.

71 comments:

  1. I'm 33, been married for 11 years and have two kids. I have found it so hard to make friends. I miss my high school friends and college friends all the time. I'm with you, I love hanging with my hubby, but he also lacks interest in things such as royal weddings and royal babies. :)

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  2. I can definitely see where you're coming from. It's a lot more work making friends as you get older...and I definitely think being married can be a factor. Most of the people I meet that are my age at work aren't married yet, so it's just a little different. We have different priorities. I've certainly made a few close friends since college, but I work in a male-dominated field, so it's really tough to find female friends.
    On a related topic, I had seen this book at Target called "MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend" and it sounded cute... and this post totally reminded me of that book. Now I want to read it!

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  3. I 100% agree with this post! Making friends as an adult is hard. I have tried to branch out and really try to become better friends with some of the women I work with, but I don't think there is an easy way to do it. I always feel silly when I ask them to do something outside of school time.

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  4. i'm not even out of college, just married and making friends is so hard! It's like as soon as that ring was on my finger, my nonmarried friends labeled me as someone that can't go out and the married friends never want to go out so they can sit at home with their husbands.

    What's going on?!!?

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  5. It's crazy...no matter how friendly or outgoing you are, making friends post college is no joke. I feel that, sister. In college, your friends *are* your life. After college, bonds shift b/c, well, life is your life. Job hunting, career paths, serious relationships, marriage, kids and so on.

    I will say that aside from my one high school bestie, most of my go to girls are girls I became friends with in my 20's post college. Now, as a mid-thirties mom living in a new state, making friends has become something I work at.

    Friends are a necessity to me. Have I found that sit in silence on the couch watching the Bachelor guzzling wine kind of friend yet? No. But I'm not gonna stop looking. Wish I lived in Utah!

    I actually joined Meet up and found an awesome mom's group so I can establish some relationships with people in the same stage of life I'm in. Best decision I've made!

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  6. I completely agree - making friends is HARD! I moved around a lot during my college years, so I didn't build very many lasting friendships at all. My sister says that as an adult, you have to "date" girls to find a person/people you can really connect with. If you get along, invite them to do something. If there's no "chemistry", let it go. If there is, schedule a second "date"! I'm trying to do that, but life is BUSY! I sometimes go 2-3 weeks without having a single night free! Yes, good friendships are hard to achieve in this modern world.

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  7. I posted on this exact thing once! I felt the same way after I got serious with my husband and then got married. I moved away after college (just like all my friends) and I found myself in a new place with no one to hang with. I was the director at my work and felt like I couldn't hang out with anyone there because I was the "boss."

    Anyway, I can say that after having kids (two little toddler girls), it's a different world! We moved again, and I became a stay at home mom. I'm constantly using my kiddos to make friends at the park, the zoo, the museum...Target...you name it :) I started a mom's group on the site meetup and it's been all smooth sailing from there.

    I don't get to spend a ton of time watching Batchelor marathons or getting pedicures but I do have friends over for coffee and pastries while we attempt to keep our kids from killing each other.

    I'm a new follower and really enjoying the blog!

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  8. Girl, I totally have this problem too. And how do you like, approach a potential friend without seeming like a creep?! For example - there's this couple at church who we sit near every week - but how would I say to them - hey, let's hang out?! HELP! HAHA.. xo C

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  9. I agree! It is SO hard to make friends as an adult. I find that most of the people I work with are married and want to stay at home. My fiance and I love to go out to restaurants, bars, sporting events together and solo. He has a built-in group of friends at work and after 2.5 years of living here, I am still struggling to make good friends. I have 2 or 3 very close friends that I have met since college ended, but it doesn't seem like a lot for the hours I've spent trying to meet people!

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  10. I have a super good friend with two kids, and I have one with another on the way. We met in our singles ward and now she lives in Logan. We just don't get it. Obviously there are fun people in the world, she and I are proof of that (haha!) Why can't someone like us live next door to me? Where do people like me live? Of course being a working mom (even if I do get to take my daughter to work with me) makes it hard to do activities with other moms. But yeah, you can use your kids to make friends if you're available at the same time as the other moms.

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  11. Yep, I completely agree.
    It is a different playing field, friends aren't made as easily at all.
    I have been married for six years, have two kids, and haven't had a best/close friend in years. Yes, my husband is my best friend and we have a few couples we hang with from time to time, but I personally don't have that friend that just comes around to see me, chat with me, or do crazy stuff with that only best friends can.
    It's rough :(

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  12. So, I'm on the other side of this whole thing. I'm the baby in my group of girlfriends and so they're all married and some with kids. I actually found myself hiding from my friends, not calling, not making plans.. because I didn't want to get in the way. I'm being 100% serious. I felt like I was infringing on important family/couple time or like all of the responsibilities they now face would make it too hard to spend time with someone who is chattering about boys and auditions and things that don't really matter (the way babies or starting a life with someone does). But then I finally spoke up about it and was shocked when they were like 'um, no, kerry, please for the love of pete, please call and make plans and come over'. So I guess what I'm trying to say is a little clear communication and bam - problem solved. I say just speak up - talk to the women you want to be friends with, talk to strangers, whatever. And talk to your girlfriends to make seeing each other..sometime soon..a real priority. My best friends live all over the country (and sometimes hop over to the UK) because we are/were all actors, but it's possible to book the flights and make it happen. Swear. Double swear. Pinky swear, so you know that means business. xo

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  13. My husband also doesn't care about Kate Middleton. I don't know why.

    Making friends is hard. It's even harder when you're moving every year or two, like I've been doing with the military! But then again, sometimes that's easier, because everyone else around you is in the same situation.

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  14. I did a post on this awhile ago after I read the book "MWF seeking BFF" (http://www.thebetterbelleproject.com/2012/10/swf-seeking-bff.html), it's SO hard to make the same kind of friends you had in college as an adult. I feel like everyone is at different places relationship wise, children wise, schedule wise, etc that it's just hard to even make dinner plans! I miss the days of being bored and being able to call up 4 or 5 people until someone (or all of them) were able to come hang out and do something :(

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  15. I had the same problem!!! It was sooo hard to make friends after I got married. It was super lame. And the problem? Most girls were very newly-wed and dependent on their husbands so they didn't feel the need to branch out. I have since moved from Provo, and I've found SO many friends. However, these people are not utterly dependent on their husbands and are actually okay with being away from their husbands for a few hours. And most of them aren't completely newlyweds...like they've been married for 5 years or so. I think that's the tricky part about provo, most people are so newly married that they are too unhealthily obsessed with their husbands to make friends. Maybe try looking for older friends. Or moving. haha good luck!

    lifemedschoolwife.blogspot.com

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  16. I'm not married but I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from. I have been out of school for a year, almost two and i'm soooo lonely. Its a shame really.

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  17. I'm glad you wrote about this...

    IM STILL in College AND I'm NOT married....

    BUT I have a serious boyfriend of three years (we might as well be married)

    I live at home

    AND I go to community college.. a place where you make close to ZERO friends when you only show up for your classes!


    I'm 21 and I have been struggling the past year with the fact that I CANT make friends and it is so freakin difficult!!!

    Why can't it be like highschool when you naturally bonded with the people around you?

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    1. Oh my, too little too late, but I am in the exact same situation as you. I go to online school so literally no chance to make friends and I work full time. I have a boyfriend of two years and I just want to get away sometimes. I have had the hardest time making friends. I think maybe I try too hard, or people in eastern CT just suck. I don't know.

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  18. Oh my gosh! A friend of mines and I were JUST talking about this today! Im so glad I read this... sometimes you feel so alone... I think you are so right! IT IS SO DIFFICULT! I had some great friends in highschool but ive always been easier to be friends with guys.. well HELLO when ur married... ur just asking for trouble.. so i lost all my guy friends just about because i was engaged and what not... then i was married... i started to be friends with my hubbys friends well they have never really "accepted" me ... into their clique! so he goes to hang with them alone.. and I stay home! Ive just recently found some good girl friensd! TWO ... and have lost touch with almost all my old friends.. which makes me sad ... ALL THE TIME when i think about it but your bro sounds about RIGHT! <3 It seems once its not convenient .. ppl drop ya and you become someone out there who they HAVE to keep in touch with! I HOPE YOU FIND some great friends! :) wish ya lived closer! :)

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  19. Please tell me you've seen his Seinfeld
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7JcGYilsuE
    Makes me laugh anytime because it's SO true!
    I've noticed a big change in the friend department since I've been married and it makes it even tougher since now we're living abroad and the majority of girls here are single. I think they just don't make the move to be friends because they figure that we're too busy with our husbands. True, but we still need girl time!!

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  20. I wish I had the answers because ever since college I feel like I have no friends! Like yours, my best friends have all moved away (minus 1) and so things have changed. We don't talk as much and we obviously don't see each other as much. It truly makes me sad because I miss my friends like crazy!

    If you find a magical solution, will you let me know?? =)

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  21. I would LOVE to find a solution to this problem! I sometimes feel like everyone gets into a relationship and then poof all the friendships are out the window to a certain point. I am married with a child and I try very hard to plan girls nights out to keep the bond going. But often more than not I find myself thinking why am I trying so hard if no one else is? So I agree 100% it is harder now then ever to make new friends or to even keep up with anyone else. Especially with todays technology. A text or an email does not replace the time spent with each other. I just wish everyone could see that. I wish you good luck on your journey and hope you meet new and genuine new friends :) XO

    wideospaces.blogspot.com

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  22. I've been married abut a year and a half, and only have a year left of school, but I totally see where you are coming from!! I think it's because now you have to find a couple that finds you and the hubs instead of just one girlfriend who fits your personality. Combine that with the fact that everyones lives are going every which way and it's hard to meet up and connect the same way you did when in college and not married!! Plus I just feel that some couples feel it's better to be private about everything, so then it gets hard to talk about anything!! There you go Bon, there is my ramble-fest.

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  23. Waaaaaaah, making adult friends is so freaking hard!! My husband and I talk about this all the time. We've actually said, "Is it weird to go to the bar to try to 'pick up' friends, but not for real because yes, that just sounds creepy to say. How can we make ourselves appealing?!" Haha.

    But for real, if you figure out this mystery of the universe, please share it with me. :) And can I just say, it makes my heart happy that you're willing to write about such universally appealing topics? You always spark the best comment conversations!

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  24. Well, I never did the 4 year college thing, I started working at 16 and never stopped. Most of my bffs are past and present co-workers. I am a very shy person until I get to know someone, so work makes it easy to bond because you deal with the same people on the reg. Friendships have started with a starbucks purchased for each other here and there, or a lets go to happy hour after work and share an appetizer...etc. Then with many of them, we've met each others friends and/ or family members and just became a group of friends. I have met a few friends through college taking evening classes and we've grown close as well, but mostly my bffs are my co workers, hubbys co workers and a few friends from high school/college. A few of my friends have kiddos, a few are single, we all make it work :) Hope this is helpful and not just rambling, I am really tired. Haha.

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  25. Three years ago, my husband and I moved to a new town where we knew no one. Long story short, he hated it here, moved back home and we got divorced. Two years later, I have the most incredible group of friends! I was really excited to move here with the husband, just us figuring everything out, making new friends, etc. But it didn't work that way. My suggestion: join groups that revolve around your interests. Or go to the local coffee shop and strike up a conversation with a stranger. I went to Spain for two weeks by myself this summer and did just that...random conversations, perfect strangers...three of which I still talk to! You are an extrovert...have confidence in that fact and BE BOLD! You've got this! :)

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  26. I'm not 30ish or married, but this post still made me stop and think. Although I'm still in my early 20s, I find that it's becoming harder to find/keep friends. Most of my high school friends and college friends are married and some have kids and that's great! but for some reason, and I still can't put my finger (wish I could) on EXACTLY what it is, it's just DIFFERENT hanging out with married friends as a single person. That, in turn, makes it harder to have friends as it is because those were the people you were closest to. I think it is also hard age-wise right now because people are at such different stages of life--finishing up school, starting out careers, still in school, getting married, etc. I think friendship can be hard to figure out--it can be frustrating and at times, sad. No matter how old you are!

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  27. After we got married we still made friends. They were married couple friends, and were not really nearly as close as my own best friends I had by myself- but I miss them just as much and it was a blast to have them- but that was while we were still in college and in a college town.
    Now I am not in college, my husband is- but being in Grad school is different. I go to church or wherever and meet these women- and we all seem so different than me. The ones I do connect with- never have time to do things with me- because sadly, they are older (What does that say about myself?) and then the women who are my age, similar situations- just seem to be obsessed with themselves- in a nice way, of course- but are so interested with their current lives. It's a bit depressing. I go crazy regularly because I am lacking friends. Ultimately, now, I just have to adapt and change- make friends with people 8 years older than me and what not.

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  28. Great post and I agree, it is difficult! Well, I was really shy in college and didn't get out a lot but now that I'm really outgoing I'm always wanting to make friends and hang out but...it's SO hard! Most of mine and my husbands friends have kids and we don't, so it truly throws a wrench into things- cant find babysitters, don't want to leave the lil precious thing, etc. If its not kids, I've noticed a lot of adults already have their friends and it is really hard to get close with anyone because they are already close to someone else and you are like the third wheel. Also, where do you go to find these friends?!?' I work at a high school and most coworkers are way older than me!! Anyways, I have no solutions but I definitely sympathize!

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  29. It doesn't get easier as time goes on :( It's very frustrating. Sigh.

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  30. I've never really had a lot of friends as I've always struggled to make friends. Not sure why. I think it's more about me being a picky friend. But when I do find someone I like you are stuck with me till the end! hehe
    But now I'm starting to regret being such a picky person, as we have no one to go out with anymore and when you need someone the few friends I have are always busy. {sad}
    http://johced-ourjourneytoeverywhere.blogspot.com/
    xxx

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  31. Seriously? CRACKING ME UP! I read your title and busted up laughing.
    Following you back gypsy!
    Kaylynn
    colbkayandtrae.blogspot.com

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  32. I love this post, Bon! And, really, all your posts for that matter. I was just talking to my friend the other day about how it seems like once you're grown up AKA out of college--you max out on friends. As in, you're not out getting sloppy at a bar and people gravitate toward you. In college, everyone is so eager to meet new people, but I think now, they just...aren't. Thanks for posting :)

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  33. I completely agree. Hubs and I have been married a little over 3 months and most of my college friends are still around. But, our schedules now are just so different post-college with working 40 hours a week and all. It stinks to go from seeing each other almost every day to being lucky if we see each other every other week. I am totally an extrovert and hubs is an introvert. He'd be happy to stay home all day while I'm dying for social interaction. All my girlfriends still live together, so I often miss out on the fun and spontaneous things that just tend to happen when you live together. Although, I love my husband and think he's the best roommate ever, I miss those moments that you can only have with girl roommates and it's sad to think I won't ever have that experience again.

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  34. I love that you did a post on this! I've literally had this conversation 2 times THIS WEEK (and it's only Tuesday. Wah.). But I'm on the other side of it. I'm 29, single-with absolutely zero prospects, while all my friends are married going on their 2nd and 3rd kids! I went to college 12 hours from home and my BEST FRIENDS in the world are from there, but now we are all over the country too (we do still talk all of the time!). But now that I'm back home (and have been for 6 years), I STILL struggle with finding friends and feeling lonely. I always feel like I'm imposing on hubby/wife/kids time...which I'm sure is probably just my issue. Thanks for posting about this Bon!

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  35. I'm way, way on the other side of this. In my 40's, with a 10 year old, I can say that at this point, most of our friends either live in our neighborhood, are friends with someone in our neighborhood (and funnily enough, often tend to be their college friends)or have kids the same age with some of the same interests as mine.

    I still talk to many of my college friends and we still get together as much as we can, living all over the place. And many of them still wonder how to make friends when you get out of college.

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  36. Anonymous7:11 AM

    I completely agree! I think it's even harder to make friends in Utah because of the "mormon bubble" and how people no matter how outgoing you are can be a little rude or judgmental and closed off. At least I've noticed this at church when a couple that has a kid doesn't talk to you cause you don't have a kid or another couple is just too consumed with flirting with their husband that they don't noticed anyone. No that you're not alone, what a true post!

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  37. I love this and couldn't agree more! grown ups need friends too! :)

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  38. YES! I also read MWF seeking BFF last year (I saw one of the earlier posters did, too.) because I was so frustrated with the problem of making friends post-college, especially because I work in a workplace without young women. If you don't make your besties at work, it is HARD. I still keep in touch with my girls from back in the day, but sometimes you need someone to see regularly... in person! I've joined volunteer organizations, stayed active in church, etc., but it is like a scientific process! Best of luck in your BFF search. It takes awhile and takes more work than it did back in the day, but so nice when you have someone to discuss Kate Middleton with!

    I'm a new follower, stop by at Goneyonkers.blogspot.com!

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  39. It's funny that my girlfriends and I had this very conversation before I moved! I'm only 24 and not married but moving to Atlanta for grad school meant leaving my high school girlies in Maryland and my college sisters in Virginia! One of my friends was like, 'aren't you nervous? I'm so bad at making new friends! I don't even want them! I have friends!'

    It's so funny that we are so close the idea of adding more to our group at home is kinda daunting. When you have a 10 year history it's hard to include a new person on day one. I feel like I battle that a lot. I want to make new friends but it's hard to battle other people's history!

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  40. I had some great friends in college, and we keep in touch, but I met my "lifetime" friends in the past five years. I met them through mutual friends and we just make an effort to plan get togethers and girl's nights. It's hard to foster friendships but if you treat it kinda like a realtionship (making dates, communicating about tiffs, honesty) it turns into something great.

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  41. I'm in the same boat. My best friends live in different states. My job only includes a married couple and me. (They're fabulous but not people I hang out with.) Fortunately, blogging has led me to some friends. But I kind of feel like I won't have another opportunity to make more friends until I move again. Weird.

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  42. I can't even explain how much this post relates to me right now. I'm also battling the separation of my life that I'm living to the ones that my college best friends are living. I'm the first to be married and the only one in a "serious" relationship. I envy their "after college" days sometimes.

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  43. After I graduated college and moved away from that city, a few of my friends and I had this exact conversation. Now one of them got lucky and went to grad school and was able to make new friends again. I however have not been so lucky. It is so tricky, and wayyy harder than making friends in college! I don't know why that is, or how to fix it, but you're totally right, and I guarantee you're not the only one! I'm at least one other, and I'm willing to bet there are a bajillion more out there as well...

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  44. Mmmkay, so you can't really be friends with people you work with because there's always that "ooo I want that promotion and so does what's-her-face so I'll just throw her under the bus so I can make more money to waste at Anthropologie." And church friends are good, but they always notice when you miss sermons and are like "you totally should have been there for that one, it was about not being selfish I'm just sayin'..."

    Soooo, what I did was joined a volunteer group that plans fundraisers for our local performing arts center and met my new besties. And because we're all grown-ups we hang out with husbands and kids and it's all good.

    Oh, and don't even think about how awesome college life was. Because that really was the best it will ever be. Ohmigosh I just made it all like Monday in here. Sorry.

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  45. Oh my goodness. This is soooo me! I've been married for 5 years now, and I have a toddler. I hated how many friends I lost when I got married. It was like no one wanted to hang out with the old married lady. Ugh.

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  46. Kortney10:53 AM

    Since being married I have also found it hard to connect and make new friends. All of the ladies close to my age at church have children. Sure their kids are cute, but when we're in a group and one person brings up the topic of kids, I have nothing to say and sit awkwardly and bored for 45 minutes. Like is it weird to ask moms to watch a movie and paint nails? Most of the time I find myself having nothing to add to the conversation. I have grown into an awkward person.

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  47. Thank you for addressing this topic! It is so true! I used to say that allllll the time when we first moved to a new town and knew no one "how do we make friends now that we aren't in school?" Some people are lucky and makes friends at work but both my husband and I work in fields that didn't really work with. So we joined a small group with our church, no joke called "Young Marrieds Without Children" yup! We met once a week for almost 2 years with this group, by the second month we started to know the other couples a little and it wasn't until we did a volunteer thing outside of our normal once a week meeting that we all started hanging out, all because we as a group went out to dinner after and soon we started calling each other to hang out on the weekends...it was a slow process, it took about 4 months till we could actually call them Friends in the sense that we texted them had inside jokes etc. But it was so nice to have found a way to find young couples in the same place in life. We later joke with these friends (3 years later) that we all secretly joined the bible study group to make friends and all left soon after we accomplished that haha! But there is no shame in that because we now have friends with the same values and believes. ALSO my husband has a hobby (would help if I did too, because I same as you need more shopping buddies) but he is a road biker and we have met some of our closest friends down here through biking in some way or form.

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  48. Um, was that brother Dennis that told you that?? Ha! He says that all the time to me. I honestly don't have too many "new" friendships that are outside of my college/high school friends. Fortunately for me most of them still live here so we get together often. The only way I meet new friends is through my current friends and through work. A few from church. Sorry Bonnie, you can hang out with me if you want and we can talk about how Kate Middleton is pregnant. :)

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  49. I am having the same problem!!! Where in Arizona and New Mexico? I moved from New Mexico to Arizona. I have not found any girlfriends here. :-/

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  50. I've found that it is REALLY hard to make friends after college- and I'm not even married! (Or anywhere close to being married.) I made some wonderful and amazing friends in college, but we're all scattered around now. Thankfully, while some have gotten married and such, we can still be friends and it hasn't changed anything. I feel like being married actually has nothing to do with it - its just being out of college in general. I have been able to make some friends who have husbands and kids, and some who are single too. It's hard to connect though. Our entire lives we were in a school setting, so we knew how to connect. It was what we were used to. Once we were pushed out of that and didn't have classmates or dorm neighbors, we don't know what to do. Even living in an apartment complex I've learned it's A LOT harder to make friends than living in a dorm! Suck.

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  51. It was Phil who said that, wasn't it?

    I agree with you sista, it's not the same and it's probably the thing I miss most from my single years. Throw being in the army into the mix and moving every other day and it's ten times as hard!

    But, it is doable. Find a couple that you and Hubs get along with and invite them for Sunday dinner or dessert or something. Host a game night... it's easier now with no kids! When we lived in TN, the last year or so that I was there I became really close with both a group of girls from church and a group of army spouses from Ben's unit. We had a ton of fun. It is possible.

    And I don't want to sound negative, but I do think it's a bit harder in Utah. So many people are surrounded by their families and in-laws that they don't feel a need to have as many friends. Once you move out of state, you will find friends easier from church, because most people don't have their families around the corner.

    Now, here's another idea. PRAY for friends. This little 8 year old girl got up to bear her testimony on Sunday and she told the sweetest story of how she didn't have a BFF, and she was really sad about it and so she prayed and prayed that she could find a best friend and then these two girls called her up for a play date and they had a great time and then a few days later at school one of them gave her a BFF necklace. That was her testimony. It was the bomb. IT can happen for you too. And I'll be happy to watch the Bachelor with you in a couple weeks!!

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  52. My husband and I go to a family ward, and we're lucky to have so many young couples in our ward. We used to get together once a month or so for a big group FHE, but now that we've all started having kids, that's a little bit harder. Many of my friends here, though, are SAHMs as well, so we get to do stuff together during the day and still have time for the husband in the evening.

    I'm more like your husband, because I don't need social interaction to feel energetic. In fact, socializing takes a lot out of me. I am glad, though, to have made some real good adult, married, bona fide soul mates here.

    If I didn't live where I do, though, I think I'd have a really hard time making friends, especially since I'm introverted anyway. Good luck, Miss Bon!

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  53. I totally agree! I think its hard because all 4 of you have to hit it off instead of just 2 people.

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  54. I definitely think being married makes it harder to make more friends, unless they are married as well. I'm somewhat unique in that I met A LOT of my best friends right after college, but I think that's because I was still living a rather college like lifestyle... we were all single and young and living it up in the city. I don't think I would have had such an easy time at the age I am now (29). I do think that making friends takes work, and you really have to prioritize it. It's just not as easy as it used to be as an adult. This is a HUGE reason as to why I don't want to leave San Francisco... I have a phenomenal group of friends here, and I can't imagine how hard it would be to have to start all over.

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  55. Having a baby is what got me all my friends! I started going to a ward play group and became really close with all the other young moms. I had been a little too shy to try to make friends before, but my baby provided the perfect ice-breaker! I've since moved from that ward, and now I've made new friends because they have young kids too. I'm tellin' ya, having a kid will solve all your friend-making problemas. :) Ha ha!

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  56. Oh Bon Bon, I can relate to this on so many levels. I too am the extrovertiest of extroverts and my husband is an introvert to the max. As far as friends go, I've had times where I thought, "oh, she'd make a good friend" and then tried it and we just don't connect. I LOVE people! They're so fascinating and I always wish I had more friends - not that I'm unhappy with the ones I have... I'd just like to have more. Sigh. If you unlock the code, give me a holla.

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  57. Oh Bon Bon, I can relate to this on so many levels. I too am the extrovertiest of extroverts and my husband is an introvert to the max. As far as friends go, I've had times where I thought, "oh, she'd make a good friend" and then tried it and we just don't connect. I LOVE people! They're so fascinating and I always wish I had more friends - not that I'm unhappy with the ones I have... I'd just like to have more. Sigh. If you unlock the code, give me a holla.

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  58. I've been wondering this too... glad I'm not the only one. Let me know if you figure it out :)

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  59. i soo hear what you're saying gf. it has become strangely more difficult to make friends since we've been married. it's been 3 years now, and thinking about it, i have very few new friends to report. i guess it's just one of those things about life...it just happens. most people i/we hang out with are friends from high school that are still around. or family.

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  60. This just speaks to me! I am 31 (although my college students and their parents always think I'm just in grad school) and have been married for 3.5 years, and I want some friends! We just moved to a new town in a new state, and I'm not even sure how to go about it. I LOVE hanging out with my husband, but I want more friends. Couple friends would be awesome because then we could all hang out together and do separate things. I'm kind of shy so it can be hard for me to do small talk or strike up that conversation. I've actually heard from friends that it's easier with kids because you meet people in classes and through the kids. We'll see.

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  61. This post is so true! I am a recent college grad and realizing that it really is a very different ball game. I love your blog and I am now following you!

    xx
    Kelly
    Sparkles and Shoes

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  62. I've been out of college for about 10 years and it's really hard to keep up friendships with people, especially if you're living in a different state like me. I've been able to maintain relationships with some people and others have moved on to different stages in their lives. For me, work has been a great place to meet new people. I think it just takes a lot of effort and some luck. :)

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  63. Coworkers - I travel a LOT with them already, so becoming friends just sort of made sense - some better than others, but there's always someone to grab dinner with. Make friends with places you frequent often - I recently became good friends with the front desk staff at all of the hotels I stay at... and the people at the sushi place next door know me by name and order - so they could be on the list too. Also, I'm going to try to join a church group at home (I've been having crappy experiences at my own church, so it's about time I find a new one anyway - so I might as well find one with a good young adult program). Also, I recently reached out to a girl on Twitter who I follow who lives in my city that I've had a lot of interaction with - she was unfortunately busy, but didn't make me feel like an idiot for asking, so that was good. If you come up with anything else, definitely let us know. It occurs to me I sound like I know what I'm doing - I have no idea really. And I constantly miss my high school friends. Just got to keep trying new things until we figure it out :)

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  64. AMEN AMEN AMEN! I have blogged about this a BUNCH! I think it comes down to the fact that you just arn't involved in as many things that require you to be around the same people or new people all day, like high school or college. So let's just be friends, okay? haha

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  65. p.s. I flipped out and was suppor excited when I found out that kate was pregnant... just sayin!

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  67. in my case it's the complete opposite.i'm a single male and all my friends are married.their wives don't want their hubbies to hang with me merely because i'm single.my best friend is my cousin.but believe it or not his wife has a fit when he mentions visiting me for the afternoon and especially if he suggests the entire day.she wants him to meet other couples like them that have kids like them.those are the friends SHE wants him(them)to have.people that they can visit together instead of him running off somewhere by himself for the day..my parents are a good example of what a marriage SHOULD be like in that respect.my mother hangs with her friends when she wants to and my dad with his friends when he wants to and they both have no problem with that.if you watch old 50's and 60's episodes of family programs that were popular,that kind of situation was common back then.the wife had certain friends she hung with and the husband also.i wonder how that happened to change so vastly over time.

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  68. I'm so relieved! I thought it was just me -but after reading this post and some of the comments I feel much more normal. I also have kind of a crazy story. After University I hopped on a plane, moved to France, and got married, all within a very short period of time. I thought my lack of friends was due to such a radical lifestyle change (and my inability to rock a scarf like a real French woman ;) ), but apparently this happens to most married people. Good to know.

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  69. Wow, I am really glad I came across this post. I'm actually having an interesting problem. I'm 22 and not even out of college yet or married. However, I am doing online school and working full time so I am in the same situation as a lot of you. I have found it increasingly difficult to make friends. Sometimes I feel like I try too hard and I push people away without knowing it. I feel like as time goes on it just keeps getting harder and harder to make friends. When we were younger it just happened and now we actually have to put in an effort and it's like, "what do I do?" Sometimes I just think I need to move somewhere with people that are more normal and more plentiful then where I live because all my friends moved away and made lots of friends. I don't know.

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  70. Making friends after marriage is hard. My husband and I always say that we are "dating" a couple, to test and see if they're compatible with us. We want other couples to do things with, but it's hard to find one where we like both the husband and the wife!

    I have found that it's been much easier for me to make friends with all the other mommies now that I have a baby. We're always planning "play dates." Really, it's just a time for us to sit around and talk our buns off while the babies crawl around and whack each other in the face.

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