The Life of Bon: You think it's a Christmas post, but then it's not!

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

You think it's a Christmas post, but then it's not!

You want a Christmas post, don't you?  Too bad.  I'm Christmas-ed out.  

Instead you are going to get a dog post.  Or something like that.  It's going to be weird.  Especially because it is coming from someone who is a self proclaimed dog hater.

This is Hubs.  You are about to hear a story about how crazy he is.  Put your seat belts on and hold on tight!

Before we go any further you need to know one of the main differences in me and Hubs.  Hubs is a dog person.  I am not.  I blame my fierce hatred of dogs to the fact that I spent 18 months in Argentina being hassled/chased/harassed by every diseased dog in the country.  There is no such thing as dog control in that country- spaying and neutering is way too expensive for most of the folk down there.  To say that stray dogs are in abundance in the country would be an understatement.  They are everywhere.  They are diseased.  They are violent.  They procreate in the streets.

And they smell.

Thus.  I hate dogs.

Hubs was born into a family of avid dog lovers.  They treat their dogs better than I plan to treat my own children.  They adore them, they protect them, they lavish attention on them.  It took me the first year of marriage to even pet the family dog.  This caused some tension, I'm sure you can imagine.

I would like to believe that I've come a long way in the whole dog field.  To start with, my mom got a dog and since we are currently camping out in her basement I spend a bit of time with this dog, Buddy.  He has even kind of grown on me.  He's a 3 pound toy poodle- what's not to love?  I let him hang out with me as long as he doesn't touch me and I even take him outside to go to the bathroom every six hours.  Best dog owner award over here!

Last night, on the eve of Christmas Day, we left my family gatherings and headed up to Hubs' home town to chill with his fam.  Hubs begged to take Buddy with us.  He adores Buddy.  And he wanted Buddy to meet his parents' dog- Norman.  This is probably the eighth time Hubs has asked to take Buddy up to meet Norm, so I finally relented.  You can only say no so many times, people.

And so we were off.

Whoever knew that getting dogs to meet each other was such drama?  First Buddy ran around in circles then  Norman started going ape shiz all over Buddy then they both darted outside then Norman growled and chased Buddy and Buddy tried to hide.  We had to separate them by a fence and there was a lot more growling and sniffing and whining and sheesh dogs are a lot of work!  

I tried to get Hubs to come and open some presents but he kept yelling, "Bonnie!  Someone's gotta take care of the dogs!  If I don't take care of them they are going to kill each other!"
"Greg!  Your dad is opening his present from us.  Just come in here!"
"Bon I can't!  Can't you see I'm stressed and busy?"
"Who cares?  They're just dogs.  Leave them alone.  They'll be fine!"
"You don't understand!"

No.  No I don't understand.  Not one little bit.

And thus it went.  To my dismay the dogs actually started to like each other, once they got used to each other's "smell" as my pop in law says.  Jeez, dogs are weird aren't they?  And gross.

After the mutts were high on each other's smells they spent the next four hours pouncing, wrestling, sniffing, licking and chasing one another.  You know.  Dog stuff.

Hubs decided that Buddy would need to sleep in our room downstairs because he would surely be missing my mom and would need to be close to someone he knows.  Now I wasn't too keen on sharing my room with a dog.  Just seemed too... animalistic?... to me?  Who knows.  I just didn't want to.  But I also didn't want a whining dog half the night so I said whatevs.  The dog got in his kennel, I was drifiting off and everything was perfect in our little puppy world.

I was awakened at 2 am by a frantic Hubs, "Bonnie!  What are we going to do?"
"What are we going to do about Buddy?!?!"
"What are you talking about?"
"Buddy!  He's barking!"
"Oh... I didn't hear him."
"See!  He just barked!  He is whining too."
"I don't know, just put a pillow over your ears."
"Oh my gosh I haven't slept at all!  This dog is stressing me out."
"Why is he stressing you out?"
"Something's wrong!  He won't sleep!  We never should have brought him up."
"Babe.  It's fine.  Let's just put him in a separate room."
"No!  We can't do that!  Oh my gosh this was such a big mistake.  We have to take him back tomorrow!"
"Tomorrow?  We just got up here."
"I can't do this another night!  I'm not going to get any sleep!"
"Then let's take him upstairs!  It's stupid to sacrifice your sleep so that the dog is comfortable.  You come before the dog, Greg."
"I'll still worry about him!  I won't be able to sleep!"
"Greg you are stressing me out.  This isn't that big of a deal."
"Maybe he needs to go to the bathroom.  Should I take him out?"
"When are we going to take him home tomorrow?"
"We're not.  I'm not driving three hours to drop off some dumb dog.  We'll buy you some ear plugs and put him upstairs and you'll sleep fine tomorrow night."

The conversation went on like this.  Hubs took Buddy outside to go to the bathroom and when he came back in he fidgeted for a while, but eventually went back to sleep.

And so did Hubs.

In those few moments of drifiting back to sleep, with a frenzied Hubs by my side and a much relieved toy poodle at my feet I realized two things.

Number one:  I am married to a neurotic.

Number two:  I'm never letting that boy have kids.

Can you even imagine what a basketcase he would turn into?

If you were mercilessly bored by this long post and you think dogs are super lame, I will tell you now that I hate dogs and I totally agree with you.  And yet I just wrote an entire post about dogs.  

So maybe I don't agree with you?

Maybe I secretly love dogs?!?!?

Who's to say?


  1. I'm a self-proclaimed "dog hater" too. I get it from my mother. I don't want to be covered in dog saliva and hair!
    My husband is a dog lover.
    We don't have a dog....yet.
    I think I'm scared of having a dog the way some people are scared of having kids.

  2. Bonnie, I really dislike you. Why? Because this post made me laugh really really hard. Why is that a problem? Isn't laughter the best?

    Yes, except when your mouth is still incredibly sore from wisdom teeth surgery. :/ So thanks for the pain!

    (Seriously, awesome post and your totally right, your husband will be super neurotic when it comes to kids!)

  3. I'm allergic to dogs. I can only like them from a distance. Obsessive dog people drive me CRAZY because they often--not always--end up being really inconsiderate of those of us who struggle to breathe when in prolonged contact of dog dander. I'm sorry, but your mangy mutt is not more important than my health.

  4. This post made me laugh for sure, even though I am obsessed with my 3 dogs! However I have a hubs who's allergic to cats do I'm careful as can be in trying to be considerate with pet dander

  5. Oh man, hilarious! I'm with you though, I'm definitely not a dog lover!

  6. Obsessive dog lover over here! Not just with my own (who is fast asleep in bed with me right now) but with every single one of 'em. Heck, I'd probably be obsessed with Buddy and Norman (norman! gah!) within minutes. I love dogs SO much that I now have my own company where I take care of other people's dogs while they go about their busy lives. Just one dog at a time. A dog nanny, if you will. All of this being said, I still adore you.. But if given the chance, I'll happily convert you :) While I'm already sounding crazy, just a sidenote to anyone still reading this post: always adopt your pets and please never buy them from a store or a breeder. And have them spayed/neutered. Okay, PSA completed, over and out.

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  8. There would be nights my husband woke up thinking the new baby had slept all night long. WRONG. But I'm guessing it might be the opposite for you guys? :)

  9. I'm a cat person myself, married to a dog person. We'd have a cat, only he's highly allergic and it's not worth it. We'd have a dog only I don't like them and I know full well I'd be the one taking care of the dog.
    Instead we have a snake. Don't ask.

  10. lol i thought this story was going to end with the dog sleeping in the bed with you! hahah

  11. I'm a dog person and so is my boyfriend. But he points out that I hate other people's dogs. I only like ones that are mine or just like mine. Which I always think is ironic because at some point all of my dogs weren't mine! Maybe you'd only like a dog if it was yours. :)

  12. Hahaha. I love dogs. My doggy is keeping my feet warm right now! He's insane, though...

  13. I really dislike dogs as well and I'm so glad I'm finally dating someone who has no pets and I don't have to act like I love something that I don't. Because, as you probably know, it's basically a cardinal sin to hate your significant others' pet. Everyone I know is all "My dog is my child!", "If my dog doesn't like you I don't trust you!", or "If you don't love my dog, I can't love you!"
    I just want to punch them all in the face.

  14. you hate dogs say wha?!!? I can see hating cats...but puppies are so loveable and cuddly :)

  15. Anonymous1:35 PM

    Ditto on this dog hating thing - although you seem to have a legitimate reason whereas I just can't seem to figure out what to do with them, sure as heck don't want to be responsible for them, and know that I worry about them because I don't understand what they're saying and they always seem to need something.

    I had my first real interaction with a dog recently - and by real I mean me vs. dog. Nobody's ever left me alone with a dog before. I was at my friend's house and I got home and the dog was shaking - like quivering shaking. What the heck do you do with a shivering dog? I ended up deciding I should take him out. How the heck do you take a dog out? I knew it involved a leash, because I saw my friend use one the previous day. So I put the leash on him and then the dog led me around the apartment complex. Was the dog supposed to lead? Was I allowed to pull him? Was there a special place he was supposed to go to the bathroom? What happens when he tries to "talk" to people? Worst of all, what happens when he poops? I immediately got my friend Tory on the phone - she's my go to in strangely-ordinary-but-stressful situations. (She once called panicked from a coffee shop because her boss asked for coffee. It's the little things, you know...) Anyway, we got through it, but I'm avoiding it again for as long as possible.

  16. I am a dog lover...actually I am just an animal lover and am forbidden to watch the ASPCA commericails with Sarah Maclain (? Maclaughlin? whatever her name is) singing because I start crying and want to go to the pound and adopt all dogs and cats. I however and not a fan of big dogs or pit bulls probably because a pit bull mix bit me in the face when I was younger...for no reason!! luckily it wasn't a bad bite more like a nip, but still!! The doggies look so cute and I love the name Norman!! My sister's dog is Charles...human names for dogs is funny!! :) Happy Holidays!!

  17. All good signs if you're sleeping through the dog barking but Hubs is wide awake. Sounds like he'll be the one getting up with the screaming baby.