Wednesday, May 09, 2012

Time to Impress!

Today's a big day around here at Life of Bon.  I'm expecting a bunch of strangers to show up and I've got to impress them quick and convince them that they want to stick around!  You see, Katie, from Keep Calm and Carry On told all her buddies to come on over and say hi.  I'm not nervous about making a first impression, because I've already got the perfect plan to lure in these unsuspecting victims!

This'll convince them to stick around, don't you think?
And yes.  I'm asleep at Denny's.


Part #1 of plan:  Give them something!  How about lip gloss, bronzer, and bubble bath, oh my!  Anybody new around here better hop in on this giveaway action.  And don't worry, you don't have to visit every website this side of the mississipi to enter- just one :)

Part #2 of plan:  Make them think I'm really cool.

Here's where it gets a little tricky.
You see, I would like to have someone conduct an interview, but since Hubs is always the one who does my internet interviews and Hubs is out of town (Yes, I'm a lone woman in the garden of Eden for five days!) I've got no one to interview me.  Alas, I am just sitting here on my couch alone, wishing someone would...

I got it!

I'll make up questions and interview myself!  It's bound to be totally riveting!

Bonnie:  So, Bon, how does it feel to have your very own blog?

Bon:  Uh, it feels great, Bonnie.  It's really hard now days to get a blog and you've really got to be an expert to get one.  They don't just give these things away for free, you know.  So, the fact that blogger gave ME a blog, well, it makes me feel darn right special!

Bonnie:  You should feel special!  You're a great gal!  Now for the next question!  Everybody's been wondering how you get your toes to look so uber cute in those sandals.  Tell me, what is your trick?

Bon: I'm quite the expert on a lot of things and I answered this question in detail here.  But for the short and skinny of it (That's a saying, right?!?) I'll just tell you this one little trick.  When the paint starts to chip, I repaint them.  Easy, really!

Bonnie:  What is the maddest you've ever been in your life?

Bon:  That's a weird question.

Bonnie:  You don't feel comfortable answering it?

Bon:  No, I feel completely comfortable answering it.  It's just weird.  The maddest I've ever been in my life was YESTERDAY as a matter of fact when my sophomores told me they didn't know the difference between a noun and a verb.  They've got a huge state wide test coming up TOMORROW and here they are, telling me they practically don't even know what a sentence is!  I threw markers, pounded on the board and beat my chest like an ape to show my fury.  And they still just stared at me expressionless.

Bonnie:  Why do you have such expensive car insurance?

Bon:  Because I drive like an idiot.

Bonnie:  Define idiot please.

Bon:  I drive too fast, I don't pay attention to anything around me, I switch lanes every five seconds, and I run red lights on the daily.

Bonnie:  You sound proud of this.

Bon:  When you've spent as much money as I have on tickets it's the only thing that makes you feel better, ma'am.

Bonnie:  How do you keep organized with all those assignments you have to grade all the time?

Bon:  I pay students $20 to grade their own assignments.  They give themselves an A as well as make money doing it, so they're happy.  I don't have to grade their work, so I'm happy.  Plus, I think it's the most honest way of grading since it's not skewed by my bias toward the student.  Win/Win!

Bonnie:  Rumor on the street is this guy, Hubs, has quite the thing for you.  How'd you lure him in?

Bon:  Well, back in my single days I took an interest in him because he was a cute redhead and those can be few and far between!  To win him over, I threatened to hit him on the head with a hammer if he didn't come over to my apartment to play cards.  Naturally, he obliged.  Forget this flirting and looking cute and acting nice stuff.  If you want a guy, there's only way to go now.  Now, I have a question for you.  Can this interview be done?  I'm bored.

Bonnie:  You're rude.  But yes.

That's me in both pictures, BELIEVE IT OR NOT.
I change my hair color more often than most people change their underwear.
This is proof that the hammer strategy works.
Try it.

Alright, so I think part 2 of the plan went well.  At this point my guests should either love me or think I'm a psycho.  Can you say win/win?!?!

Part 3 of the plan...

Shoot.
I ain't go not part 3.

I do have THIS, though.  It's a little tour of the place, if people aren't quite sure yet if they want to stick around.  On the tour they'll find all they ever wanted to know about me pranking my students, Hubs babysitting a teddy bear, and why it's necessary to steal underwear to get ready for Valentine's Day!

That's bound to convince people to stay, don't you think?!?!

10 comments:

  1. You are pretty hilarious! haha love this!

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  2. You had at me at "I fell asleep at Dennys" I didn't need to read anymore. I knew I would LOVE your blog. So funny! And that photo is priceless. PRICELESS. I'm dying.

    Thanks for sharing.

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  3. This is great, especially the asleep at Dennys picture.

    I too snagged myself a cute redhead boy. Rare indeed! I think I threatened him as well.

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  4. How can you fall asleep at Denny's? I am totally jealous, and think you may be the coolest teacher ever!! Where were you when I was barely pulling a C in Science? You got me, I'm hooked, and staying!
    xoxo

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  5. hilarious! New follower!

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  6. i'm sure you'll charm them or they will think you are crazy, but i like crazy people so thats not a bad thing. good luck.

    -k

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  7. I just started following your blog not too long ago and this post has confirmed that I've done the right thing. You're hilarious.

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  8. Love the falling asleep at Denny's! I too teach bratty ingrates, so am excited to have found your blog through Keep Calm...

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  9. ok you convince me to stay but only if i can bring my imaginary friends to

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  10. Now, I've face planted into a take-out burrito smothered in ranchero sauce thanks to half a Corona and an allergy pill, but falling asleep while still inside the restaurant....let's just say I am impressed.

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