You know the golden rule, right? The whole "Treat others like you would like to be treated" thing...
Well I'll tell you right now, that when it comes to marriage, that is a straight up lie.
Hubs does NOT like to be treated like I do. And I do NOT like to be treated like he does. I was confused our first few months of marriage why he wasn't overjoyed when I would do things for HIM that would make ME completely happy. What? You're not totally stoked that I hung up cute curtains? Why aren't you doing cartwheels because of the cool shirt I just bought you? How did you not notice our new scented candle, ya jerk?!?!
It's taken a little while, but I think I've figured out a few of the areas where I should definitely not do to Hubs as I would have him do to me.
1. I love myself a good tickle/ caress. I like it when Hubs gently tickles my back, my arm, my leg. Being the good wife I am, I figure, hey, if I like this then he's gotta like it to! So I start tickling Hubs' arm, ever so gently. His response is "Stop it- that tickles." "What, you don't like it when I touch you ever so softly that you would think a ladybug was crawling all over you? You must be CRAZY!" I defend myself. On the other hand, when I want a back massage, Hubs goes to town, pressing, chopping, pulling. "Wow, a little softer can you?!?" I cry. But he doesn't get it, he just keeps kneading and rubbing- exactly the way he would like it.
2. When I need to vent to Hubs, I like it when he just listens. The other day I was going off complaining about school, carpool, early mornings, you know, the daily grind. Hubs started immediately listing a bunch of solutions. I was bugged. "Hey Crazy boy! Zip it! I don't want you to FIX the problem, I just want you to LISTEN to the problem. Don't you know anything!?!?" In contrast, a few days ago we were cruising around in the car and Hubs was talking about a lot of the things that were stressing him out. I listened just like I would want him to listen to me. "Well, say something! Don't just sit there and listen! I want your advice!" Hubs bursted. I was shocked. He actually wanted me to reply? I just thought he needed to vent.
3. When we're having an argument I always assume the best thing I can do is get real close to Hubs and smother him with love and kisses and attention while we work it out. It always makes me feel better to get lots of attention when I'm sad, so why wouldn't it help Hubs? On the contrary, he prefers to be left alone, to mull it over, to have some space. But when I'm upset and Hubs gives me space I'm completely offended. HELLO!?!? Doesn't he realize that I need to be coddled, loved, cared for? I'm upset, is he blind?!? Come to find out, Hubs always thought he was being polite by giving me space and time to myself. And here I was, getting all hot and bothered by it.
Sometimes when I think about it I'm completely shocked that any two people have the audacity to think that they can get married and just merge two completely lives. So many differences to work through, compromises to make, and lessons to learn from. So... how about you? How are you and your husband most different? Anything you love that he just absolutely hates?
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I totally feel you! When I was with my ex, I pretty much wanted the same exact things you list! And the same situations would play out, hahha. Except for the massages - he always did what I asked him to do. :)
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to just wanting to vent! haha. "Just listen to me complain please!" My boyfriend is a pretty quiet guy though, so I've got it made (until he's TOO quiet!) Thanks for the follow... love your blog :)
ReplyDeleteI always yell at my hubby when he tries to solve my problems for me when all I want to do is vent him. I know he's trying to help but, like you, I just want him to listen!
ReplyDeleteFound your blog through The Daily Day (loved your guest post!). LOVE IT! :)
Omg. Number 2 is SPOT ON.
ReplyDeleteMy boyfriend is constantly trying to offer solutions when I'm venting to him. And I have to say, "No! I don't want HELP. I just need to get this out! Stop talking!"
Glad to know I'm not the only one. :)
Just found you through The Daily Tay and am a new fan...and follower. And I have to say that your (and please appreciate the correct spelling of that - a huge pet peeve of mine, too) reason #2 is one that took my Husband like over 10 years of marriage to figure out. No lie. So you guys are way ahead of the game.
ReplyDeleteLove the blog ~ will definitely look into being a sponsor! :)
My relationship with my boyfriend is QUITE similar. When I ask him to rub my shoulders, it's because they're sore. By the time he's done, they hurt twice as bad. FAIL.
ReplyDeleteI'm also the same way when we get into a spat. If I storm out of the kitchen in tears, please don't keep standing there, eating your sandwich. Come and give me a hug and a kiss! FOOL.
hahaa this is great...& so true. Have you heard of the book the 5 love languages? I haven't read it but apparently it's really good. I know it talks about the 5 ways people show their love & usually however a person shares their love is the way that they want to be loved. My husband and I are different though. His love language is gift giving & mine is verbal love. So sometimes I have to remember to buy him a gift here and there :P
ReplyDeleteI'm not married, but I totally feel ya! My boyfriend is in a completely world sometimes.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree with Cindy ^^. The 5 Love Languages is a great book. I read it with my family (so in a non-romantic relationship setting) and it was still very helpful. I know understand why my momma always wanted to hang out together, while my brother just wanted gifts haha.
I agree with Cindy. This posts reminds me of the book 5 love languages! It's all about how finding what the other person needs will most likely be different than what you need to feel loved! It's very interesting. Thanks for this post :)
ReplyDeleteLove it, all of it! It is so true! Though most aspects I take your husbands side and my husband takes yours haha, that is how it is with my best friend too, whenever we talk about our husbands I am always like her husband and she is always like mine.. certain personalities attract to each other I guess :)
ReplyDeleteOh and if you havent read The Five Love Languages, you MUST! We read it in our small group two years ago and it really changed the lives of all of our small group, it is so helpful to know how your spouse wants to be "loved".. I am quality time, BIG TIME, and since reading it he knows for me to feel loved he has to spend time with me (lots) which is hard since his hobby is road biking where any given ride can be 2-4 hours easy, and he works over 60 hours per week, but since he knows it means so much to me he really makes an effort... His is acts of service, so I always am sure to make dinner for him, and always offer to help him with things ect, another "act of service" is letting him go on his bike rides when I would rather him stay home with me,.. trust me read the book so good!
ReplyDeleteGirl. You may just be my new favorite blogger ever. Your writing is seriously a breath of fresh air and I was laughing out loud through this entire post. And your sidebar intro paragraph is amazing. OMG. obsessed. I promise I won't turn into a crazy stalker. I taught English for three years (in Korea. Just imagine what correcting writing assignments are like.) so I can SO. RELATE.
ReplyDeletenew follower, OBVIOUSLY!
xoxo
Wow are we similar!!! Number one and number two parallel my husband and I - I LOVE LOVE LOVE being tickled and I also vent and just want him to listen. He is the opposite, and reacts in the same way your husband does!! Although, I've made the observation about #2 enough times that when I start venting, hubs will say "this is where I just listen, right? I'm not supposed to solve it?" We are also different fighters, in a different way. When he can't get his point across he just shuts down, walks out of the room, which leaves me fuming. We are not out of each other's sight until the fight is resolved. On the other hand, when he's DONE fighting, he just wants to cuddle on up, which I am not interested in if I feel that my points have not all been acknowledged. Funny how different we really are, eh?
ReplyDeleteThe Blue Hour
Are you sure you weren't describing me and my fiancé? Always nice to know I'm not alone:)
ReplyDeleteLoving the pic!! hahaha
ReplyDeleteThis is so funny! My favorite is the tickle/massage fiasco! Brett is the same way and it drives me crazy haha. Can't a girl get some tickling once in awhile?! Haha love this!
ReplyDeleteThat book is awesome! It's so very true on both sides of things. This post had me rolling! You are so funny! It's all very very true though.
ReplyDeleteThis entry is so awesome! It is so great to hear that other girls go through similar things with misunderstandings between us and the boys. It is worth it, though. Part of the beauty of life really is learning to communicate and understand another human being.
ReplyDeleteFascinating! I'm not married, but I've seen this in action with friends of mine. Men and women are definitely wired differently!
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of a book I read awhile back called "Five Love Languages". He explains that people feel love in different ways. While one person hears love best when receiving a gift, another might hear love best when they spend with with their significant other. Then of course, we tend to give love the same way we receive it, which doesn't usually work. When you can figure out what "language" your significant other is speaking, you can know how best to show/tell them love in a way that it'll mean the most to them!