I've been a bit scared lately.
Let's see, what in the world could I be scared of? I'm having my first child so to name a few...
+ Gaining anywhere from 25-50 pounds.
+ Pushing a child out of my body. Pain. Lots and lots of pain.
+ The possibility of needing a C Section
+ Never getting sleep again.
+ Paying for a child.
+ Baby poop.
+ Dealing with a sick baby.
+ BREASTFEEDING. (This is terrifying to me. I had a nightmare last night about 1. trying to breastfeed and 2. about dogs. I'll let your imagination take over from there. Too many parenting magazines and too much Grapes of Wrath, I suppose) (And if you get the Grapes of Wrath reference you get five extra credit points.)
The truth is, though, that what I'm most scared of is other moms. I don't know if I'm cut out for their world. Especially the young, cute, "hipster" moms that are running around with their kids with creative names and adorable clothes and it's like they just got the whole freaking world figured out. And if you don't got the world figured out like them, they will judge the crap out of you for it. I don't have the world figured out at all nd I'm not counting on it anytime soon so I don't know that I'll really be wowing a lot of mommies. I might name my kid something super regular like John and I probably won't buy him very cool clothes and I might just give him ice cream whenever his chubby little cheeks ask for it.
I guess what I don't like about the "mom community" is that I don't feel that it is very supportive. Mostly it feels competitve and judgy. I've been out of the pregnant closet for two weeks and so far I have already felt extremely judged on decisions I'm making. Little decisions too. Stupid decisions. This is always from other moms, people who don't have kids yet don't give this vibe at all. I didn't go to a doctor until 12 weeks and I had a bunch of moms in a forum asking me why I wouldn't "want to go to a doctor as soon as possible"- like I was doing my baby some harm by sitting on my couch instead. It just felt so weird to me- like all of a sudden I had to justify my actions to a bunch of ladies I have never met. If you must know, moms, I didn't go earlier because I don't like doctors and because I felt fine and because I was confused about my insurance benefits. Satisfied?
And then there's the judgy feeling because I ate a sandwich with deli meat (gasp!), I took a hot bath (Oh my!), or I drank a nice big coke. (Say it ain't so!) Who are these people that have time to get onto forums and send mean messages to someone they've never met because they ate a sandwich? And why do they care?
Not to mention, that I haven't even had the baby yet! I have read so much stuff online from moms about why you absolutely should or should not vaccinate your child. Should or should not have a natural childbirth. Should or should not breastfeed. Should or should not co sleep. It's enough to make me go insane with all of these women judging each other and deciding how everyone else should parent. Who the heck cares?
I've heard women say some pretty mean things about other women who are just trying their hardest to raise their children. Things like "she didn't try hard enough to breastfeed," and "she's always on her phone in front of her kids," and "her kids eat too much fast food." And I just have to wonder if by having a kid I am merely setting myself up for a lifetime of being judged? I already know that I'm going to mess up a lot, and I don't need no hoitey toitey moms watching my every move and taking notes of all the ways in which I'm not perfect. I'm already very aware, thanks.
Is this just me? Obviously I'm not part of the "mom community" yet so I am an onlooker noting on what I think I observe from the outside. I'm just hoping and praying that by the time July rolls around I can admit to being lost and confused without worrying about receiving the condemnation of hundreds of women in the exact same boat as me. Is it too much to ask? Can we just all be on the same side here?
P.S. A film that Greg is in is needing some extra funding. It's super easy to donate and the best thing is you get 100% of the money back that you donate through gift cards. For example, if you shop at Starbucks anyway, just buy $25 worth of Starbucks gift cards and it goes straight to funding this project. It's a great way to encourage independent filmmakers. Click here to check it out and to watch the two minute promo video. Greg is adorable in it, if you are into adorable gingers.