The Life of Bon: Dating Horror Stories, Ah yah!

Monday, March 10, 2014

Dating Horror Stories, Ah yah!

Hi folks!

Welp, true to form I promised you that today I would share with some of my very worst dating stories.  Mindy and I are doing a horror stories of dating link up, so brainstorm your worst dates and join in!

 I dated a lot, and I dated a lot of creeps so it made it that much easier to know I had landed something great when Greg rolled around.  Today is our anniversary eve and so I thought before I got all warm and gooey and gushy on you tomorrow I would first share with you the path I had to go down before I got to the marriage part.  Twasnt easy folks!

(Also, I feel like I should add the disclaimer that I did date some good guys as well, they just weren't right for me or the timing wasn't right, or basically I just needed to wait for Greg.)

(Also, I am slightly aware that some ex boyfriends of mine may read my blog as it is very public.  If you think you see yourself in this post and you weren't aware your dating mistakes from years ago were going to be made public... Well, I'm sorry.  At least I'm not using your name?)

So... without further ado...  Dating horror stories!



#1:  THE ALWAYS-LATE-STANDER-UP.  I fell head over heels for a guy that couldn't get anywhere on time.  (This coming from me who shows up everywhere ten minutes late!)  We dated several months before my mission and then again when I got home.  Once he was so late for my brother's birthday party that he missed the whole thing.  Showed his face when I was leaving.  I distinctly remember a Thursday night where we had a date planned at eight.  I waited and waited. (This was my boyfriend at the time, too, not just some random dude.) I called and called.  Nothing.  At about 10:00 I realized I'd been stood up and I went to bed mad as hell.  The next day I heard nothing from him.  About 3:00 in the afternoon I started to get worried that something had happened to him since I hadn't heard from him in 24 hours.  I called and he didn't answer but he texted back- said he was too afraid to call me.  (I was 23 at the time- a little over the games.)  Apparently he had gone to his mom's for dinner (yes, his mom's!) and then fallen asleep at her house for the rest of the night.  Don't worry calling when you wake up and apologizing, much better to just ignore your girlfriend!

#2:  THE LIAR.  One summer I dated a boy for a few months who lived about 45 minutes from me.  Because of the distance we only saw each other one or two times a week.  What he did the other nights, I didn't know.  One night I was texting him wanting to hang out and he made up a bunch of excuses about stuff he had to do, but it was all very vague.  So we started texting from my friend's phone, saying we had seen him at a church activity the day before and he was really cute and "she" was super interested in him.  He totally took the bait and was flirting like mad with the fake woman.  We then asked if he had plans tonight and he said "Nope, absolutely nothing!  Let's hang out."  I then texted him from my phone and sent the text verbatim that he had just sent to the mystery girl.  He knew we were on to him, and he never texted back.  EVER.

#3:  THE ONE BREAK UP IS NOT ENOUGH.  A few months before I met Greg I dated a boy who was always hot and cold with me.  He said he liked me, then he decided he didn't.  I came back from a trip to Portland and was excited to see him and he told me flat out that he didn't want to date anymore because he had always wanted to marry someone who had a "more obedient spirit" than I do,  (I'm a rebel at heart, I can't help it!) and that also I didn't like kids enough and that he was worried I wouldn't want to have kids or enjoy being a mother. (Who's gonna be a mother now, fool?)  As if that weren't enough, we got back together a few weeks later and then he broke up with me again TWO DAYS BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY.  He will now forever be known as the guy who decided I wasn't good enough for him.  Twice.

24th birthday.  I was two days post break up.

#4:  THE BICYCLE BOY.  My sophomore year of college a boy asked me out via facebook message who was in one of my classes.  I had never once talked to him.  He was awkward and shy.  The day of the date I had still never talked to him.  He showed up at my apartment door with a bicycle and said he would be back in 30 minutes.  When I asked him why he said that he had to walk back to his apartment, get a second bike and ride that bike to my place so that we could have two bikes on our date.  In short: he didn't have a car so he was going through quite the arduous process to provide bikes for us.  I said I could just drive.  He looked beyond relieved.  You gotta give it to him, though, for not making excuses to stay home on a Friday night.

#5: THE DETERMINED-FOR-A-KISS.  In Hawaii, a boy took me out who I knew liked me.  I didn't like him at all, and in all reality I should have said no to the date, but I wanted to be nice.  (My mom and grandma taught me growing up to never say no to a first date and that I should always be nice to boys no matter what.  I'm afraid that meant I was often leading boys on.)  He hinted all day long for a kiss.  (Yes, it was one of those all day dates.)  Finally I told him I wasn't feeling well in hopes that the date would early.  Instead, he took me to a nice place for dinner even when I insisted I wasn't hungry.  Then, on the hour long drive home he repeatedly asked me why I had so many walls up, and what we thought we could do to break down those walls. (In other words- why won't you let me kiss you?)  At some point during the conversation I said something that made him reply, "Gosh dang it, Bonnie, I'm going to pull this car over right now and kiss you!" to which I replied, "I am literally going to throw up." (Still faking sick.)  I think it was about the only thing I could have said to prevent that kiss.

#6:  THE FACEBOOK STALKER.  Once, after having broken up with a guy, (I use the term "break up" lightly because we only went out for a few weeks) he wrote me a big long email on facebook wondering what he had done wrong and why and yada yada yada. (The answer is bad breath.)  Then he told me that he wasn't proud of my behavior post break up, and that he had been very embarrassed when he was showing his dad pictures of me on facebook and came across a picture of me kissing another man.  He said obviously I had gotten over him very quickly and that I should think about my actions and how they affect others.  The picture was of me kissing a wax statue of Brad Pitt.

Now come on, that doesn't look like a real kiss, does it?  
When Greg saw this picture his only response was, "Bonnie, that is so unsanitary."

#7:  THE LUNCH PAYER.  I only went out with this guy once, but somehow I ended up with his credit card.  He was money bags so every few days for a month I'd call my roommate and say, "Hey!  Want to go to lunch?  It's on Pete!" And we'd go out to lunch.  THAT was a glorious month.

#8:  THE IS-YOUR-FRIEND-DATING-ANYONE?  I went out with a lot of boys in high school who were mostly very interested to know if my friend was dating anyone.  She was very good looking and I was homely and awkward.  Sheesh, I was used and abused.

#9:  THE RAPE KISS.  My first kiss pinned me under a tree and made out with me for an hour. I didn't like him and had no intention of continuing to go out with him. I had no idea what I was doing and just wanted it to end.  All the gorey details are here, but basically it was miserable and I wanted nothing to do with it.

#10: THE YOU'RE-TOO-HARD-TO-ENTERTAIN BOY.  One boyfriend I had got frustrated with me when I painted my fingernails while waiting for our meal to be brought out at a restaurant.  He said it was a sign that I was too hard to entertain.  In retrospect, he may have been on to something... (I think Greg would agree.  I can't help it.  I hate to be bored!)

#11:  THE SLOW TO KISS BOY.  Contrary to #9, this guy WOULD NOT kiss me.  We went out five times and I was still waiting desperately for a kiss.  I thought he liked me and he kept calling me to go out, but he wouldn't make a move.  Finally, one night after a movie we were talking and cuddling until 2 am and I decided I was going to have my kiss or get some freaking sleep already.  I stuck my face right in front of his (Literally could not have made it easier for him) and waited for him to take the hint.  Basically I went 90 and then waited an hour for him to go the other 10.  He finally did it and it was about the dang sweetest first kiss I've ever had.  I've been kissing him ever since...

Now, I can't WAIT to hear your dating horror stories.  We've all been through them, it's time all those bad experiences paid off in some way!

27 comments:

  1. I dated a guy for 3 months without a kiss... 16 is a weird age.

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  2. Hahahaha I'm dying. These are all fabulous!

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  3. Bicycle Boy rules!! That was so funny… it sounds like something Benny Boy would do. Go to great lengths when there's a much easier solution. And I was dying laughing about the Brad Pitt kiss. hahaha…. if he really thought it was real, wouldn't he think the guy wasn't really into the kiss? I mean, he has eyes wide open! And he's a little stiff. Definitely good looking though… he was probably jealous.

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  4. My now husband took quite a few dates to kiss me too...but I married him :-) couldn't let anyone else get one of those kisses, they were worth waitng on.

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  5. haha I like the bicycle boy story!! And of course, the last one :)

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  6. The Bicycle story is sweet! A+ for his effort.

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  7. All such characters!! Hahahaha the Brad Pitt one... I think that boy has got bigger problems!

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  8. Haha the brad Pitt scenario is hillarious! The bike guy doesn't sound so bad though it seems sort of cute to me but maybe that is because I'm used to dating guys without cars :|

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  9. oh em geee... hahaha these are fantastic!

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  10. Was #9 beginning of freshman year? If not I remember you had a similar experience and we all tired to cheer you up when you got back. I offered you Listerine to clean your mouth and without thinking you swallowed it. :-) I guess the kiss was just that bad. Ha!ha!

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  11. I love reading your blog. I don't blog anymore...but my name is Bonnie too so I was immediately drawn to your blog when I came across it :o). Hilarious stories!

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  12. Long-time lurker, first-time commenter here. I love your blog and your writing! Some of these guys have serious issues :-/

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  13. Oh my gosh, #11 has me tearing up. I did not see that coming!

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  14. Bahahaha, I love your disclaimers! I've thought about sharing dating stories before, but I've remained friends with a few guys I dated and don't want them to be offended if by some chance they read the blog. I do have some good stories though... hahaha

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    1. Oooo... also... I had a guy break up with me the day after my birthday. He took me on a cute date, bought me a gift, made me all twitterpated and the next day he just ended it. What a bum. I thought of that when you put your birthday one. Who are these guys?!?! How rude!!!

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    2. I just need to leave 3 comments. Ah, Greg, tell him everyone LOVES that story!! Way to be so forward with him Bonnie ;)

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  15. Awww at #11! :)

    I had the same thought as Greg about you kissing the wax statue of Brad - "Eww, how many other lips/fingers have been there before?" Haha! Actually, at first, I thought, "Wow, that guy doesn't look very into that kiss...but Bonnie sure does!" until I read what was actually going on! Haha!

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  16. I am glad I don't have any dating horror stories and if I did I have forgotten them as I haven't dated in 30 years

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  17. You painted your nails in a restaurant?! I think that would send a pretty clear signal to any date that you're bored, haha. Great stories! I rarely dated so I have no stories. I'll just be painting my nails.. at HOME Bonnie. ;)

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  18. I can't believe you just....used that guys credit card for lunch with your friends. A whole bunch of times!!! You're crazy!!

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  19. Yeah, I totally dated a #3---it was brutal. And he basically used the exact same reasoning (about the "obedient spirit" type of thing). He also told me I looked unattractive with my hair pulled back.

    Thank goodness things never worked out.

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  20. my current boyfriend took forever and a day to kiss me! It drove me crazy.

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  21. One day when I'm married I'll write a post like this. Too many potential exes right now. However, I'm 100% with you on the too hard to entertain thing. ALSO - you knew that about yourself and were totally prepared with something to do, I'd say that's called thinking ahead and being considerate.

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  22. My husband took literally a month and a half to kiss me for the first time. Good thing he was worth it! :)

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  23. I really love reading and following your post as I find them extremely informative and interesting. This post is equally informative as well as interesting . Thank you for information you been putting on making your site such an interesting. I gave something for my information. Our Worst Dates

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  24. My boyfriend/future baby daddy and I kissed the first night we started talking. I guess you can say we moved fast haha! I have so many horror stories but I think some of my exes still read my blog...

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