The Life of Bon: A How-to from the expert

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

A How-to from the expert

Alright, people, I'm no idiot.  I've caught on to a few things around this internet, blogging world and you can't keep them from me anymore.    I'm onto the trends, the crazes, and you gotta believe that I'm going to jump on any bandwagon I see.  And you know what's really in right now?

How-to articles.

Everyone and their dogs are doing it, you know.

Well, if you think I don't have a few How-tos of my own,  then you must take me for some kind of fool!  I know how to do lots of stuff and so I will share that knowledge with you, my less informed, less fortunate, less wise friends. 

Paint your toenails.
Take off all old nailpolish.
Clip nails if necessary.
Put on fresh nail polish.
Put a clear coat on the top to make it shiny.  If that's what you're in to.
Don't put socks on until they're dry.
The last step is the most important- trust me on this one!

Wow that was easy!  I think I might try another one!

Make dinner.

Chop an onion and fry it up.
Add meat to it.  Chicken or beef usually.
Twirl your spice rack thing around chosing at random which spices you want.  You really can't go wrong!
Cook until it smells burned.
Microwave a potato for ten minutes.
Eat potato with meat.

Order a pizza from Papa John's.
Feeds two people for two meals

Seduce your man.
Cook dinner (I would suggest option B in this post. Option A doesn't always turn out.)
Wear perfume
Laugh at everything he says
Tell him you will watch whatever he wants for the rest of the night.
Tell him his muscles are looking bigger.

Do laundry.
Throw clothes in washing machine.
Whites in one pile.
Darks in the other.
Wash them in cold water and wash them all together.
When you hear the buzzer, move the clothes to the dryer.
Turn it on.
When the buzzer goes off again the clothes are done.
I forgot to tell you to add detergent.
Add it to the washer, not the dryer.
That could be bad.
You can find detergent at any grocery store.

Get seventeen year olds to like  you.
Get a twitter account
Make fun of the other teachers with them.
Shop at Forever 21.
Say something borderline inappropriate every once in a while.

Get seventeen year olds to hate you.
Take away their cell phones.
Write them up for truancies when they leave class five minutes early.
Yell at them in front of the class when they do something out of line.
Send them to the principal's office when they drop the f bomb.

Make friends.
Be nice.
And fun.

Love your life.
Don't take it too seriously.
Make a conscious decision to thank at least two people a day.
Take a bubble bath if you feel stressed.
Remember everybody's got probs.
Dye your hair pink if you feel so inclined.
Look in the mirror and repeat: "I am a sexy mama, I am a sexy mama, I am a sexy mama."
Just kidding about that last one.

Who would ever do that?

There you go folks!  You're not going to find much better advice than that on the whole world wide web, so you might as well stop looking!


  1. i feel like i know HOW TO do so many more things now. you are really funny and cute. i love that pic of you and your hubs just btws


  2. hahahahahahahahaha I freaking love you

  3. you are awesome! greatest post ever!

  4. love it! thanks for the smiles :)

  5. Thanks for making my day! just what I needed. Your blog is the best!

  6. hahaha!! Love this post, thank you for rocking the how to's! =D I'll be checking back for more exciting advice!

  7. That was absolutely hilarious!!

  8. Hahhaha oh my gosh, I was laughing so hard. This is great! I've learned so many new skills today, thanks to you.

  9. ahhaha. these are so great! i especially like 'how to seduce your man'. who knew a man needed seducing?! :)

  10. Love u love u love u!!! I always come here if I need a good chuckle in the morning!

  11. haha! I LOVE your how to's! :)

  12. I think you should probably do a weekly how to column :) That is some great stuff!

  13. Love this post! Seriously adorable :)

  14. hahahaha fun post! you're too fuuny!

  15. Hahah, yes! I literally was just telling my husband that I am shocked that I haven't found a how to color with markers post yet! It is How To Bananas out there! You're so funny, glad you found my blog so I could find you!! :)

  16. This is hilarious!

    So glad I found your blog!!!