The Life of Bon: From the mouth of my father in law.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

From the mouth of my father in law.

It's time you folks around here met my father in law.  His name is Gary and he's truly one of a kind.  He takes the crazy, inappropriate stuff that you think in your head and says it out loud like it's nothing.

Greg's in the middle with his brother, Brett on the left and Gary, more commonly known as Gare-dog. on the right.

At our wedding, Gary gave a speech that will forever live in infamy.  The gist of the speech was this:  Greg is truly a blessing to him because it was very hard to conceive Greg.  Gary then went into great deal (in front of 300 guests) of all of the different techniques he and his wife used to try to get pregnant with Greg.  The memory is so fuzzy to me now but I will always remember this line, "My doctor was trying things on me I've never even done with my wife!"  I'm pretty sure that from that point on it was shocking enough that I just blocked it entirely.  Toward the end of the speech he whipped out a jock strap, proclaiming that his years of playing softball and wearing a cup is what led his reproductive process to not function exactly as it should...

You know, the type of romantic, sentimental stuff that you just love to hear at weddings.

My family is very very very very conservative.  Naturally, we were horrified.


You can tell from the fire in his eyes that he's a wily little devil, can't you?
And here we see the jock strap that will never be forgotten....


And our reactions:

Me, Greg, and Greg's mom, Becky.  Notice that I have mastered the totally neutral, "I'm cool" face.  Inside I was freaking out.



That's just the tip of the iceberg.

After we had been married a few weeks we were all eating dinner: Greg and me, Becky and Gary, and Greg's brother and his wife- Brett and Kylee.  Gary stopped the conversation and declared, "Guys it's so great that we can have Bonnie here with us now.  This is our first time all together!"  It was an odd thing to say because I had spent plenty of time with Greg's family before we got married.  Dinner was the norm for the six of us.

 Brett and Greg started heckling Gary a bit, making fun of his unusual way of showing tenderness,
"Yah, because we've never had dinner with Bonnie before!"
"Guys, I'd like you meet my new wife, Bonnie." Greg added,  "I know none of you have met her yet, but she's great."
"Stop it!" yelled Gary.
"What I meant to say is... is.....  no one here is a virgin anymore!"

My felt my face turn deep red.  Us Mormons wait for sex until we're married which is awesome in so many ways, but also awful in that everyone and their dog pretty much knows the exact hour that you will be losing your virginity.

There was silence for a moment until Brett chimed in,
"Congrats Bonnie!  You are no longer a virgin and as such, we welcome you to the family."

And it goes on.  Tonight Gary and Becky came over for dinner.  We showed them around the new apartment, it's only one bedroom, so you know- it wasn't going to take too long.  "This is the living room..." I said.

"Where's the bedroom?" interrupted Gary.  "I need to see where all the love making occurs."

Again deep red.

At dinner, Greg said that he hadn't been feeling very well.
"Well, what is it?" Gary prodded.
"I don't know... something's going with my stomach."
"Like what?  Diarrhea?" Gary insisted for details.
"Yah... I guess there's some of that."
"Well, sheesh.  Nothing new to me!  I've got that every day!  Join the club, buddy!" and he took a bit gulp of his Dr. Pepper and continued eating away.

I hope you are all as lucky as I am to have a Gary in your life.  It's good for the heart and soul to have someone in your life saying craziness whenever they get the chance.


39 comments:

  1. Dying!!!! Hilarious and all that. Love it!

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  2. That. is. HILARIOUS. Sounds like my mom in law!

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  3. I think I want to be that mother in law one day. Yup.

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  4. Hahahahaha, I LOVE this!!! :)

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  5. My Gramdpa could be Gary's brother. He came to our wedding brunch the morning after with a HUGE container of Vaseline. He said it was our wedding gift from him. He said to use it wisely and that it would come in handy to grease the door knobs once we started having kids. Ugh. In front of everyone!

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  6. Whoa--this man sounds like a livewire! But it's far, far better to have an outrageous, funny in-law than ones who are basically mute and painfully boring (trust me). This was a really funny read.
    -jenn, muchtomydelight.com

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  7. Haha perfect way to wake up in the morning by reading this. My father in law is pretty similar, just dialed down a bit. Gotta love 'em though!

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  8. I blushed FOR YOU! Oh my goodness, sounds like y'all will never have a dull Thanksgiving.

    XOXO Fal
    Falfindshappiness.blogspot.com

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  9. God love him!
    Because that is all I can think of saying about this man.

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  10. I LOVE your father in law...he's a good reminder to not take everything so serious in life. Kinda needed this post to remind me to stop being so serious right now too. thanks for that!

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  11. Thank you for instantly improving my morning!!

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  12. Hysterical! Love those pictures of your reactions to the jock strap, hahaha!

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  13. I enjoy this space you have created! I love reading your blog!

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  14. Gotta love father-in-laws!! At least he keeps you on your toes!! LOL!!

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  15. Oh my gosh, that is so fantastic. I think everyone needs someone like this in their life keeps us all on our toes. ~ Lisa

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  16. ahhh...sounds like my hubby's wild catholic grandfather :D

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  17. Oh my mother in law is just the same, she didn't do anything like that at our wedding but within the past few weeks, she informed me that my husband is stressed out because I'm not making a great salary, that we shouldn't be married if we aren't having kids (we're just not at that point yet) and that if I don't have kids before 35 they will have problems and we just can't have in the family.

    Mouth to floor.

    There's been other issues with her too but that's just what happened recently.

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  18. Hahaha this just made my day! I'm so happy you've captured and remembered all of these moments. Gotta love Gare-dog! I miss him!

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  19. Oh my gosh! I'm laugh-crying right now! Gary is such a treat! That last sequence is the best thing I've heard all week! It's good to laugh again...

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  20. Hilarious!!! I love your expression at your wedding. :)

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  21. There must be some rule somewhere that says the father only male children has to be extra funny! Dad's of boys/men/guys/dudes/whatever are the absolute best!

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  22. He reminds me of my mother... she says crazy stuff like that. A lot. The first time she met my in-laws, she led into a story about how she ran out of the bathroom at home with her underwear around her ankles. I don't even remember the rest... gosh.

    I'm amazed he actually thought to bring a jock strap to the wedding. That took some forethought.

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  23. Haha your father in law seems like tons of fun to be around even though he seems a bit eccentric! I love crazy eccentric people, they definitely never get boring!

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  24. Yeah... Gary is exactly like my whole family. And my parents wonder why I never want to bring potential suitors home.

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  25. Hahahahaha! Oh family...

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  26. You are literally clenching in those photos haha! He reminds me of a certain father of a certain someone I am dating. I am not as conservative as you in some areas per say, but when it comes to sex I do NOT talk about that with anyone. I blush like a middle school girl.

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  27. HAHA hilarious! I actually love people like that because I am the complete opposite so it is refreshing to know people like that who speak their mind, no matter what!

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  28. I want someone like him to tell embarrassing stores at my wedding and on a daily basis. Classic!

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  29. Haha I love this!! He could have his own "Sh!t My Dad Says" book!!

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  30. I have tears from the laughter. Your father-in-law is the best. Never a dull moment when you are around him I guess. Thanks for the great post and the wonderful laughter.

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  31. OMG i love your father in law. People who say outrageous things and just let it all out are amazing.

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  32. Hahahaha!! You are so right, there is something a little different about a Mormon's wedding night. Everyone knows what is coming next! The anticipation at the end of the reception is always soooooo obvious. Hahaha

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  33. Hahahaha the second picture of Greg laughing and you just like ummm ... This post made me laugh out loud and yes we all do need a Gary in our lives!!

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  34. oh my! My FIL is the most inappropriate, politically incorrect man I have ever met but he always make me laugh. Luckily he has never done anything to embarrass me in a more public forum like yours, but i know how you feel.

    Cheers,
    Alyson

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  35. HAhahahahahahaha. So reminds me of one of my inlaws! She has said some things to me that made me want to run and hide.

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  36. Oh my soul, this post literally made me laugh out loud. Which doesn't often happen, so great post :D

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  37. I've got a Gary, her name's Mady, and yes I literally laughed out loud at this one :)

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  38. Everyone has a Gary in their family. It'd be pretty dull if we didn't.

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  39. HAHAHAHA. Oh goodness, honey, I'm sorry - but glad that the stories are wonderful. Gotta love people with a big personality :)

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