The Life of Bon: The green eyed monster

Sunday, September 22, 2013

The green eyed monster



It happens from time to time that I experience an overwhelming wave of jealousy.

I don't know what it's caused by, and I never know how long it will stay, but every few months the jealousy inevitably comes.

I suppose I'm mostly jealous of people who have it all figured out.  You know- they know where they'll be living for the next thirty years, what job they'll be doing for the next thirty years, what grocery store they'll be shopping at for the next thirty years.  I'm at an age in my life where you would think I would have a little better idea of where I'm going.  I should know exactly what my husband will be doing for a living and where we will raise our family and when we will start said family.   But alas!  I have no idea what we will be doing or where we will be in a year, much less in five years or ten years.  We could be living in Utah doing the same thing we are now or we could be going to grad school anywhere in the country or heck, we could be having a baby in a year!  The options!  The endless possibilites!  Who can even think about buying a house when the future is so uncertain? 

I don't mind the uncertainty too much except for when I realize that some people's futures are much less uncertain than mine.

This was all triggered today by a little bit of time on facebook.  I discovered much to my delight that one of my freshman college roommates and good friends, Holly, is having a baby in April.  Under further investigation I also discovered that she and her husband have recently become home owners. A baby and a house!  Two things that most certainly point to the fact that there are some permanent plans being laid. Congrats Holly, on permanency and certainty!

But then.  Jealousy.

Why don't I know where I'll be living for the next five years?  Why can't I afford to buy a house?  Why don't I know the exact state and city and neighborhood where I want to spend the rest of my adult life?  Or at least the next ten years?

Lots of my friends from high school and college have babies and houses... in fact almost ALL of them do, so this is nothing new.  I'm 27 living in a state and culture that encourages you to start a family just as soon as you are able, so houses and babies are pretty much the norm for other 27 year olds.  So I should be used to this type of thing, right?  Right.

I suppose what made this particular round of "house and baby" so hard to bear is that I always thought Holly was my partner on the slow track.  When our other freshman roommates quickly married men who knew exactly what job they'd be doing for the rest of their lives, I took comfort in the fact that both Holly and I remained unmarried.  We were taking our time together!  When other freshman roommates started having babies and then two babies and then three babies, Holly and I were baby-less.  Other roommates bought houses, settled down, enrolled their children in preschool.  Not for Holly and me!  I remember conversations with her where we discussed how we were kind of wanderers and had no idea what our future would hold and why so many question marks...?

And now, gosh dang it, looks like Holly has gone and erased her question marks!  Found a man with a steady job to marry and bought a house and settled down and now is having a baby.  While I had my back turned, Holly went and figured life out and didn't bother to let me in on the secret.  Here I am running the slow track with my last remaining buddy, only to discover that she's up and joined the fast track and I am left running alone-  running my long, slow, steady laps.

The thing is, this weird feeling of jealousy always passes within a few days, sometimes even a few hours.  I realize I love our little apartment and I love my low paying job and I love the shows Greg is in and I love wondering what our next adventure will be.  I'm not ready to know what the next thirty years will bring me and maybe I'll never be ready for that kind of stability.  Maybe I'll always crave to some extent the excitement and adventure that comes with not knowing what next year has in store.

And that's okay too, right?

---

Oh- and because I thought it sounded awesome I am joining in on this vacation giveaway.  Everyone loves a free vacation right?  $290 for flights, $250 Visa gift card, $100 Kiki La'Rue store credit (Free gear for vay-cay!)  For your chance to enter just enter the rafflecopter giveaway.  And don't forget to leave a comment telling me where you would go.  I have been dying to see New York City for years now!

(P.S. Giveaway goes live Monday morning so if you are reading this on Sunday night you'll have to check back in on Monday to enter.  Sorry!  I'm always jumping the gun like that.)
 
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47 comments:

  1. I feel the exact same way. However, I am 30 and I don't want kids. I still wish I could just be that person who settles down and lives life, but hubby and I barely make ends meet now and student loans are coming up -- so a house doesn't seem in my future. I do feel jealously because I think that at my age I should be at a different place in my life. I get it! I guess a way to look at it is we aren't tied down -- we can take opportunities if they present themselves and not worry about taking kids out of school districts or selling a house!

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  2. Love this! You are truly speaking for so many women out there with this post! Thank you so much for being able to write in words what so many of us feel at times too!

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  3. You can THINK you're going to stay in the same place for 30 years but Heavenly Father often has other things up his sleeve. I'm sure every one of those people who you think has it all figured out will stumble and face uncertainty just like you (and me...and everyone else)!

    Don't stress it.

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  4. Don't be jealous! Even people on the 'fast track' don't have it all figured out. :) I'm married, have two kids, and just bought a house and sometimes I feel more lost than my still partying high school/college friends.

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  5. I will be turning 27 in a few short months and every now and then I have my little 'existential' crises about what am I doing and where am I going- I get those pangs of jealousy of those who have it together too- even if they aren't the things I want! It has been a challenge to learn that my journey, as hazy as it may seem, is what is right for me. Its nice to hear about other 20 somethings still trying to figure it out!

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  6. I feel the same way! If it makes you feel any better, it's kinda nice for me to know someone else feels the way I do. My husband and I do have kids, but we have lived in 5 homes in 5 years and 3 different states, he's had 3 different jobs and we are looking to move again next year. Hopefully this will be our last though, we really want to settle down and pretend we have it all figured out. I'm sure you're time will come. I am constantly reminded that God's plan for us is unique, and although I do believe we all have friends that sometime follow the same path as us, our journeys are still our own.

    Don't be too discouraged! :)

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  7. At least you know I will always be even "slower" than you in life. Always.

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  8. Its normal to feel like this but hey, who says having a house and husband with steady job etc etc is a good thing anyway? Sounds pretty dull to me...
    There's no point comparing, I'm 29 with no house, no babies and I havent even decided which country to live in yet! But who cares? Its not like stability is the key to happiness anyway. And for all you know these people with 'sorted' lives probably envy you. So there!!
    Rachel- ramblingrock.blogspot.com

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  9. I can ealte. Often Facebook makes me feel this way which is why I deactivated my account last year. But it is good to keep in mind that we don't know the whole story. People with houses at a young age were most likely given a large amount of help by their parents and it is easy to wonder why it seems easy for them and not us. I have spent so long trying to get my career in teaching off the ground here that I have not been able to focus on other things. A friend of mine from elementary has four kids and I am nowhere near close to having one. We can't compare ourselves to others. I think we have to remember not to compare ourselves as we are all unique and appreciate what we have.

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  10. I'm married with a house and a kid and let me tell you, I am faaaaaaar from having it all figured out. Married or not, parent or not, life can be confusing at any age. Getting married young, buying a house young, and having a baby young is what I felt was my life plan and is what made me happy but I know that everyone doesn't want what I wanted. What is one person's ideal isn't another's and that's okay, respect other's people's life choices but do what makes YOU happy.

    Amanda - diaryofanangrypregnantlady.blogspot.com

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  11. I'm so excited to be moving next month into our little townhouse. I'm 30, so I feel a little behind, but we're finally doing something permanent.

    AND THEN.

    And then I saw my friend on facebook getting new floors in her giant house in San Diego and crap. It stole a little of my joy. Or maybe I gave it away?

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  12. That pesky green eyed monster visited my neck of the woods last year when 5 (that's FIVE) of my friends announced that they were buying/building homes. I could totally use my savings account on a down payment for a house...if it wasn't currently paying my astronomical Maryland rent while the husband attends grad school instead...and if I had any idea where we'd be once my husband graduated...and if I had any idea when we'd finally be able to dig ourselves out of grad school debt and build up our savings again. I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm on an adventure! A great big grand adventure, and a lot of people don't get to do that, so I should try to be a little more grateful.

    Chin up! You'll get there.

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  13. Oh Bon Bon, I feel your confusion and pain haha. I can count on one hand how many friends I had that don't have a kid or kidS yet. It's interesting how our "plans" are all unique. I understand how frustrating it can be but at the same time it's fun to not know. We know how much you love adventures, enjoy the ride and soon you'll have all of those things your jealous of but this time you'll see the brilliance of how you got there. I'm so excited to see where you two end up...hopefully closer to us!

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  14. "If you want to be happy, just don't compare."

    That's a quote strait out of my Pop's mouth. And it's true! I have 5 kids, have been married for over 11 years, in my 30's, owned a house (no longer, back to renting for now!) and my husband has decided on a complete and total career change. We are starving students again and it is weird. Especially when all of our friends are taking amazing vacations, remodeling enormous homes, buying boats and cars, and all of the above.

    But you know what? I wouldn't trade it because it's my life, and I chose it. Even though it's hard sometimes, it doesn't make it less awesome than all of those friends that seem to have so much more :)

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  15. 2 things. first, I would go to Boston. it's the city that has stolen my heart. second. I get the green eyed monster jealously sometimes too, even though I wouldn't change my life even if I could. I think it happens to all of us sometimes. it'll pass but being honest about it is the first step to moving it to the side and out of your life. love ya bon.

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  16. 2 things. first, I would go to Boston. it's the city that has stolen my heart. second. I get the green eyed monster jealously sometimes too, even though I wouldn't change my life even if I could. I think it happens to all of us sometimes. it'll pass but being honest about it is the first step to moving it to the side and out of your life. love ya bon.

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  17. 2 things. first, I would go to Boston. it's the city that has stolen my heart. second. I get the green eyed monster jealously sometimes too, even though I wouldn't change my life even if I could. I think it happens to all of us sometimes. it'll pass but being honest about it is the first step to moving it to the side and out of your life. love ya bon.

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  18. I am right there with you! I am wanting that security and comfort in knowing what is going to happen next, but my husband and I don't know what our future will look like, or what jobs we may have in the future, or when we will start a family. We are living one big question mark, and it is frustrating at times (I had a breakdown today over our limbo-ness), but then I have to remind myself that God is in control.

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  19. I am having this problem lately, too - I feel like ALL of my friends are pregnant right now, and I am still looking for a boyfriend! I think Facebook has escalated this problem, because we only see the best parts of others' lives on there, and compare our worst to their best.

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  20. I never felt jealousy so much as panic over this same thing. I grew up in foster homes and so buying a house is a weird creepy scary thing for me...I feel that I don't know how to settle down. So I have been in internal panic mode for years. Buy a house, are you crazy? That's so...PERMANENT. Such a HUGE lifetime investment. And yet my friends are not only buying houses, they're doing it while popping out babies. What???? Then I came to Sweden and the culture here is very much 'do what you want your whole life' and there are plenty of people in their 30's and 40's and up who have cute little Stockholm apartments and will never own a house, or have kids, and nobody even bats an eye. I think American culture really grinds in the whole white picket fence deal but the thing is, life rarely goes like that. I think even for the most put-together house and baby families there's a fair share of chaos bubbling under the surface.

    My point is, don't feel jealous! If it's not something you even know you want (or where you'll want to live, when you want to make babies, etc etc) then you shouldn't feel bad! At least you have a ginger husband, which is probably the best kind of husband.

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  21. That house that you're in in that photo is beautiful. Is that your friend Holly's house? Because I'm jealous too xxx

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  22. On the bright side though, if you two all of a sudden decide that you want to pack up and move across the country you can. Sometimes I wish I didn't own a house and I could quit my job (it's a good job, but I'm bored), or we could take a year and move somewhere crazy. But unfortunately I also love my house and wouldn't want to sell it. There are advantages and disadvantages to every stage of life, so just enjoy where you are at!

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  23. Don't worry! I feel I'm in the same boat--especially because my husband is still finishing his undergrad. I feel stuck in the transition into adulthood while the rest of my friends have moved on with their lives to bigger and better stages.
    I would love to go back to Wales!
    Our Fairy Tale

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  24. I'll tell you what, we're way on the other side of the fence because my husband is in the military. So I know where we will be for the next year or two (probably), but then after that... who knows? I have no idea what our life will be like for the next ten, twenty, whatever, years. I don't know where we will go once he leaves the military. All I know is what I know right now, at this moment. I have a husband and a daughter who love me and I love them. We have a great home in Alabama. My husband has a wonderful job. The future is always so uncertain! I love it though.

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  25. My husband's little brother and his wife just bought a house and are having their first child in a few weeks--but my husband and I know that we aren't meant for the normally expected life, and I am very content with our lack-of-settled-down-ness because I know it's the best plan for us!

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  26. Personally, I think you're going about it the right way. Living in ambiguity, while challenging, is also fun and teaches you so much! How boring would life be if everything was just a given?! There are definitely times that I'm surfing Facebook (or stalking - whatever you'd like to call it) and I have that moment of "crap, I'm really missing the mark" but then I remember, I still have all the power to make these choices and these people have already signed on the dotted line. And I'm back to feeling AOK. I like having the momentum behind me and the power to make the choice still ahead. You and your husband are rockin' out and I bet Holly is saying to herself "man, Bon is having a great time with no kids or restrictions - that was a good time in life." The grass is always greener, right?!

    http://kelseywithdiamonds.blogspot.com/

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  27. I feel the same way so many times. I was sending a message out to a bunch of my college friends this week and as I was tying in the names, only two of them weren't married. It was crazy! Everyone else was married, having babies, buying houses, etc. Part of me feels like I'm doing something wrong or I don't have it together. But... then when I look outside of my little circle, I am reminded that it's okay I don't know everything that's going to happen. And having babies + husband + house does not equal having it together. On the outside it might look perfect, but it might not be. It's okay to still be figuring it all out.

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  28. I don't know if anyone has it figured out! My husband and I just bought a house together, and we are raising the sweetest little goldendoodle you ever did see, but I also experience the green eyed monster from time to time, mainly when I see people who are enjoying their jobs and have their careers all planned out. At 26, I'm currently in my third full time job since college, and I still feel totally clueless (and completely panicked because I don't have my career figured out). We obvi need to stop comparing ourselves to others, and enjoy the blessings (and challenges) that make our own lives special.

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  29. Those people who have homes, husbands, and kids don't have it all figured out! Life can change at the drop of a hat. They could be on their way to divorce court. All you can do is live your best life and let them live theirs. There is beauty in the uncertainty. Because certainty is a myth.

    Akirah | akirahrobinson.com

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  30. Girl..i hear ya! Almost everyone i know from high school bought a house and here I am..renting. We are HOPING to purchase a home in 2.5-3 years.

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  31. Oh dear Bonnie. You'll get to deal with uncertainty your whole life. It's really fun!

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  32. Don't worry--no one has it figured out. Even the people who have a house and baby don't have it figured out. You may think they do, but everyone is on their own track and their own time table. Just enjoy where you're at now, because you'll look back on these days (when you have a baby and a house) and think about the wonderful carefree life you were living:)

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  33. I tend to feel the same way often and while I'm happy with my little life most of the time, those fleeting pangs of jealousy can be difficult. I get really jealous when I see the traveling that some people get to do and we aren't in the position to do that. I also don't think having it "all figured out" is all it is cracked up to be.

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  34. Truth be told we married folks with homes and kids definitely do not have all things figured out. Enjoy the blessings that are in front of you and look forward to what is to come. If we all had it figured out and lives were perfect, we'd be boring!! ;)

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  35. Oh I don't want to be the one to break the news to you... but we all get that green-eyed monster about life. The hubs and I bought our first house at 22, flipped sold and bought our second by 25. We were married at 24 and we are 27 and expecting our first baby! YAY!! Right? Not so much... life throws the, what if I don't like this job? It's my career but can I really do it for the rest of my life? Oh and should we really be raising our kid in this town? We got a smoking deal on our house and we love it, but should we trade it in for the "perfect" family home we've always wanted? Oh and it gets better.. how come we work so hard and make above average money (no we're no rich, but we're doing good for our age)... yet we can't have the fancy cars, house, life style like others our age that don't seem to work as hard. It never goes away - I'm telling ya! Anyways, I didn't mean to bring you down... more up. Just remember, all those people you see that "have it together and figured out"... I'm betting they really don't! :)

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  36. I was nodding my head right along with you, especially the part about the jealousy being fleeting and also sneaking up out of nowhere.

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  37. I would go to one of two places; my dream destinations. Either Florida for the wizarding world of Harry potter or to machu pichu in Peru.

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  38. i agree. new york. we went for just one day a couple years ago and it has been calling my name ever since. i also really loved chicago, but again - that was only about a 3 day (work) trip. and then there's boston, miami.....and those are just the state-side places. how do i choose??

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  39. I was recently laid off. I'm jealous of everyone with stable jobs and incomes. It happens. I'm trying to stay positive though.

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  40. girlll aint it the truth. we moved to california, and unlike other people who it just works out or they end up managing an apartment even though they already have loads of money and get free rent, we looked for two months to find a place. haha. and ryan has a job that takes up so much time and i can't find a job. its ok that my friend spent her whole summer in europe is home one week, got her dream job and an apartment, right? oh well i guess. at least i've got a cute husband.

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  41. Interesting all around - just read tonight's post and then went back to this. Grass is always greener but it's shiny and sparkly and magical when covered with gratitude, which you nailed in the updated post. If you had any idea how most of the people in my world are living like (all in your age group and many much older), you would feel like a queen. You just come visit NYC some day and I'll show you! Now if I won said trip giveaway? California, of course. Always California :)

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  42. I am the same way... I feel as if I should be somewhere else, farther in life when i see people my age that are married with babies and big houses. But things happen to us at different times. It is hard but it is worth it to have your own life. I would totally travel to Europe to visit myfamily!

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  43. Australia to see platypus!

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  44. Chicago (I seriously can't get enough). <3

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  45. it happens to the best of us, and back to California :p

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  46. There are these two conversations I had with people in their seventies that always stick out to me. They said they were envious of me because I didn't know how my life would turn out yet. It was still a question mark. Whereas they, being of an advanced age, knew there wouldn't be many surprises left. They wouldn't start new careers, have more children, relocate. I feel like to know where and what you'll be for the next thirty years would be pretty boring. While I understand the anxiousness to settle down and solidify your situation in any number of ways, it's the question mark that keeps things exciting. You're so young. Enjoy it!

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  47. I'd travel to Florida to see my great grandpa who isn't going to be here much longer.

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