It happens from time to time that I experience an overwhelming wave of jealousy.
I don't know what it's caused by, and I never know how long it will stay, but every few months the jealousy inevitably comes.
I suppose I'm mostly jealous of people who have it all figured out. You know- they know where they'll be living for the next thirty years, what job they'll be doing for the next thirty years, what grocery store they'll be shopping at for the next thirty years. I'm at an age in my life where you would think I would have a little better idea of where I'm going. I should know exactly what my husband will be doing for a living and where we will raise our family and when we will start said family. But alas! I have no idea what we will be doing or where we will be in a year, much less in five years or ten years. We could be living in Utah doing the same thing we are now or we could be going to grad school anywhere in the country or heck, we could be having a baby in a year! The options! The endless possibilites! Who can even think about buying a house when the future is so uncertain?
I don't mind the uncertainty too much except for when I realize that some people's futures are much less uncertain than mine.
This was all triggered today by a little bit of time on facebook. I discovered much to my delight that one of my freshman college roommates and good friends, Holly, is having a baby in April. Under further investigation I also discovered that she and her husband have recently become home owners. A baby and a house! Two things that most certainly point to the fact that there are some permanent plans being laid. Congrats Holly, on permanency and certainty!
But then. Jealousy.
Why don't I know where I'll be living for the next five years? Why can't I afford to buy a house? Why don't I know the exact state and city and neighborhood where I want to spend the rest of my adult life? Or at least the next ten years?
Lots of my friends from high school and college have babies and houses... in fact almost ALL of them do, so this is nothing new. I'm 27 living in a state and culture that encourages you to start a family just as soon as you are able, so houses and babies are pretty much the norm for other 27 year olds. So I should be used to this type of thing, right? Right.
I suppose what made this particular round of "house and baby" so hard to bear is that I always thought Holly was my partner on the slow track. When our other freshman roommates quickly married men who knew exactly what job they'd be doing for the rest of their lives, I took comfort in the fact that both Holly and I remained unmarried. We were taking our time together! When other freshman roommates started having babies and then two babies and then three babies, Holly and I were baby-less. Other roommates bought houses, settled down, enrolled their children in preschool. Not for Holly and me! I remember conversations with her where we discussed how we were kind of wanderers and had no idea what our future would hold and why so many question marks...?
And now, gosh dang it, looks like Holly has gone and erased her question marks! Found a man with a steady job to marry and bought a house and settled down and now is having a baby. While I had my back turned, Holly went and figured life out and didn't bother to let me in on the secret. Here I am running the slow track with my last remaining buddy, only to discover that she's up and joined the fast track and I am left running alone- running my long, slow, steady laps.
The thing is, this weird feeling of jealousy always passes within a few days, sometimes even a few hours. I realize I love our little apartment and I love my low paying job and I love the shows Greg is in and I love wondering what our next adventure will be. I'm not ready to know what the next thirty years will bring me and maybe I'll never be ready for that kind of stability. Maybe I'll always crave to some extent the excitement and adventure that comes with not knowing what next year has in store.
And that's okay too, right?
Oh- and because I thought it sounded awesome I am joining in on this vacation giveaway. Everyone loves a free vacation right? $290 for flights, $250 Visa gift card, $100 Kiki La'Rue store credit (Free gear for vay-cay!) For your chance to enter just enter the rafflecopter giveaway. And don't forget to leave a comment telling me where you would go. I have been dying to see New York City for years now!
(P.S. Giveaway goes live Monday morning so if you are reading this on Sunday night you'll have to check back in on Monday to enter. Sorry! I'm always jumping the gun like that.)