Wednesday, August 01, 2012

21 Rules for using the Internet. You MUST obey these.

It dawned on me this week that this little thing we call the Internet is not going away anytime soon.  For years I have thought the world wide web would just be a passing phase- you know, like neopets or myspace.  I figured that like most of my useless ex boyfriends, he would burst into starry existence, demand a lot of attention, and then slowly fade out of my life.  Yet somehow, years later, he's still around and he shows no signs of peacing out.  THEREFORE... if we are to all continue using this very informative guy, it is important we all get on the same page.  I have made a list of 21 simple rules that we all must follow to keep our sanity around this place.  I am designating myself the Internet police and these are the official laws of the Internet.   Watch yourself or you might just get an Internet citation!



1.  When using facebook it is not okay to:
a. Leave a status like "Wow.  I can not believe that just happened.  I'm so bummed."  We all know this as a simple CRY FOR ATTENTION.  If you need attention call your mom, call your boyfriend, call your besties, but don't just throw it out there for 500+ "friends" hoping someone catches the bait.  There is always some kind soul who replied, "Oh dearie, I'm so sorry, what happened?"  and then all of us have to be eyewitnesses to the awkward fb conversation about how your boss chewed you out yada, yada, yada.

b. Write incessant love messages on the wall of your significant other.  That is what text messages are for.  The general population does not want to hear your pet names, your countless "I love yous" nor do we care that Brad is "The best guy that ever existed!!!!  I'm so lucky I found him!!!  There is seriously no guy like him in the world!!!"  We all think that about our husbands, honey.  That's why we married them.

c.  Have a facebook account for two people.  It's called facebook not facesbook.  We're all happy you found your soulmate and that you have so much in common, but let's not forget that we all have our own separate identities and that uniqueness should be celebrated.  There's no use to get a joint account and confuse the crap out of all of us.

d.  Like your own statuses.  Nuff said.

2. If you are a mother/aunt/grandmother/of the older generation and using facebook it is not okay to:
- Leave countless comments on your child's facebook wall. You can be their "friend", that's all swell and dandy, but stop tagging them in photos, stop telling them they're beautiful online, and stop asking about all their other friends. It's time to officially cut that umbilical cord, lady, and the first step is facebook!

3.  Moustaches are strictly prohibited from the Internet.  No one is allowed to post pictures with fake moustaches, use the ubiquitous "I moustache you a question" or wear moustache paraphernalia.  It's not cute, and as I am the Internet chief of police here, I am really going to come down hard on this one.

4.  This one might hurt some of your feelings, but I feel like it needs to be addressed, and I'm going to try to be gentle.  What is with the word "Amazeballs"?  I have never heard anyone say this in real life, and I'm pretty sure if they did I would just give them a weird look and walk away.  This word has been practically taking over the blogosphere.  I don't care if one or two bloggers say something kind of weird, but when everybody starts doing it I get confused.  Who made up this word?  Where did it come from?  Is it supposed to be a dirty slang word?  Please explain and then please stop using this.  And please still love me because I don't like this word.

5.  On the Internet, you are not allowed to write in white with a black background.  You are also not allowed to write in neon colors.  People!  MY EYES!  MY EYES!  PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON MY EYES!

6.  You may talk about your dog or your cat or other pet but it has a very short time limit.  Us Internet mortals can only tolerate so much gushing about an animal that we will never meet nor care to.  20% of what you say online can be about your pet.  I hate to say it, but their is a similar rule for your kids.  You must talk about something besides your children to ensure us that you have your own personality outside of your children. Roughly 60% of what you say online can be about your kids. Same goes for your husband.  Please refer to item 1c.

6.  If you do not like somebody's blog, don't return to it.  Simple as that.  When I don't like a pizza place, I don't go back, when I don't like a store I don't go back, and when I don't like the 7 foot hairy man who gives me a painful massage, I don't go back.  Same with the Internet.  There is no reason to post negative comments on the blog, facebook page, forum, etc.  No need to call people liars or insult them by likening them to "bean paste"  (Yes this was a real comment I received on this article.)  Just go to a different site.  No harm no foul.  For more information on how humans must learn to be nice all the time, even on the Internet you can read up here.
8.  You are not allowed to take pictures of your food and post them all over your instagram, twitter and facebook accounts.  It's food.  We all eat it every day.  If it is special,delicious food like Crab legs then it is okay to post it  once.  If you post food pictures more than once a week, you will receive a citation from the Internet police.

9.  Boys:  You are allowed up to six pictures with your shirt off on your facebook account/ Instagram accounts.  Any more than that and we will all see you for what you really are:  a narcissistic pig and you will be disallowed further Internet use.
10.  Girls:  You are allowed no pictures with your shirt off.  I'm sorry, but that's just the way it goes.

11.  Human population:  You are allowed only up to three pictures that you have taken of yourself with your arm stretched out and smiling in front of the camera.  More than that and we'll punch that narcissist stamp on you and throw you right out of the Internet.

12.  No one is allowed to "spoil" a movie, book, or television series without first putting the words "Spoiler Alert."  Once those words are in place, you can say anything you want but ONLY if and when those word are in place.  Otherwise, we will stone you.

13.  If there has been something massive and nationwide on television like the super bowl, the Olympics, or the bachelorette finale, you do not have to write "spoiler alert."  We will all assume that if people cared they would have watched it or else avoided the Internet until they have done so.  These people are not allowed to get mad at people for "spoiling" it for them by saying "I'm so glad the Cowboys won!" the day after the Superbowl.  I'm sorry, but some things you just have to be responsible for watching on your own or else face the reality that it will be spoiled for you.
14.  There are to be no word verifications ever again.  EVER.  If you are caught with a blog or website that has a word verification, you will be kicked off the Internet for ONE YEAR and your site will be deleted.  The two spam comments that you get a week are not enough of an inconvience to justify you making EVERY SINGLE PERSON that comments fill out a word verification.  I feel very strongly about this one.  Don't test me!

15.  No talking about your poo on the Internet.  I don't care if it's a joke you're playing on your roommate because he left his facebook open on your computer.  It's nasty.

16.  You are allowed only one emoticon per post/status/tweet.  (The same applies to text messages.)  I think we all know that it's just creepy when we read a post like this:  A pretty good day all things considered! :)  I got roses :) And an A on my test :) The only thing bad is I broke my arm :(  But it's all good because now I don't have to go to school for a week :) :) :) :) :)

17.  You are never ever ever ever ever EVER allowed to type like this:

I lOvE iT wHeN mY LeTtErS ArE aLl DiFfFeReNt SiZeS bEcAuSe It MaKeS iT sO hArD fOr EvErYoNe tO rEaD aNd I jUsT kNoW iT hUrTs ThEiR eYeS aNd kNoWiNg OtHeR pEoPlE aRe In PaIn TrUlY BrInGs mE jOy!!!!!!!!!

18.  You must use exclamation marks in moderation.  There is no set rule, you just need to know that if you use too many like "Oh my gosh girl!  You are hilarious!!!!  I freaking love you!!  Let's go to the mall!!!!" that your Internet privileges will be revoked for an undetermined amout of time.  Use your judgment on this one.  Please.

19.  I'm sorry, but you are not allowed to complain about your marriage or your boyfriend or your irresponsible mother on the Internet.  If you have relationship issues in your life, I suggest talking to that person or taking it up with a professional.  AKA a counsellor. Airing your grievances out facebook style is not the way to go.

20.  We only care what you wore if it's actually cute.  I know it's hard to hear, but if you don't regularly get real life compliments on your outfits, you probably shouldn't start posting them for the whole world to see.

21.  We will forgive the occasional misspelling of their/there/they're or too/two or you/your/you're, BUT if you are doing this regularly we are all going to think you're dumb.  This is elementary spelling and I know for a fact that there are teachers out there who work very hard to drum this into the brains of our youth.  If you mess up on a simple rule like this more than three times, you must come to five 90 minute sessions of my Language Arts class before you are allowed to use the Internet again.  The class costs $100 per session.

NOW that we are all caught up on the 21 basic rules of Internet use, go ahead!   Use away!  Get on that Internet and do your tweeting/blogging/youtubing/stalking old boyfriends.  I support you whole heartedly!  Just know that I will be watching like a hawk for any infractions. Use the Internet carefully my friends, and live in fear.


(Do you agree with these rules?  If so, I ask that you would kindly post the rules on your facebook, twitter, or pinterest account.  If we want the whole world to follow these rules, we've got to make sure the whole world sees them!)

63 comments:

  1. Oh no, I might have earned a few internet citations. Shoot. I think I may be a repeat offender when it comes to self-portraits. Shoot. Either way, they're funny and you're clever!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love you, and your writings. SO much.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Your rules are almost identical to my rules. :) Actually, the only thing missing is "Ultrasound/birth pictures are for private family albums, and not suitable for Facebook," Why are we now starting the future generation's online footprint before they are even born, people?!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Haha this is great! Although you may fine me for a few of these that I have violated, hopefully you can forgive me. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Though I'm probably guilty of some of these, these are so great! At least I'm aware now.

    ReplyDelete
  6. So my blog is called ash's stash...I don't pictures with fake mustaches, though. Hopefully you don't hate me already!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Here I am breaking your rules already. I don't TAKE pics with fake mustaches. Ha!

      Delete
  7. Haha these are so funny! My husband and I were cracking up at some of these, especially the "amazeballs" (which makes me think of Erin, from LIY) and the facebook rules! So funny! And yes, I read your blog to my husband sometimes, we both love it!

    ReplyDelete
  8. LOL this reminded me to turn off the word verification which I've been meaning to do for months but always forget to when I get on the internet. Distracted easily.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Sometimes I just really want to like my own status.


    If I could like what I just wrote, I would. Cite me.

    Tess
    www.theframedlady.com

    ReplyDelete
  10. Haha, this is a great list! Totally agree with your rules, esp about not posting personal relationship-y things on FB--soo annoying!

    (Although I have to admit I'm guilty about using lots of exclamation points, haha)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Great list! I am guilty of a few maybe. I am with you on the word "amazeballs". Ugh!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Haha classic! My favourite is facesbook - doesn't make any sense to me AT ALL. My biggest pet peeve is taxt slang... on facebook or in blogs... learn to spell people!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hahaha, I love this and am so with you! Can I be an officer in your Internet Police?

    My favorite rules are the moustache rule and amazeballs rule. I am so over both of those and I don't think adding moustaches to people is funny.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Dear Funniest blogger ever...

    You better get your ticket book out! i've broken a few of these rules!!! Love the FB there is nothing worse then almost hearing what happened or why your sad!!! i will post pictures of food and things I ate.... because they are yummy and beautyful .... and well frankly its easier to do that than for me to try and be funny! thanks for pointing out that amazeballs should not be the next trend... but you for got one thing... asking people to follow on every platform like... FB, IG, Twitter, BL, GFC.... and then with every post you make... post it on FB, IG, Twitter, etc etc etc. I want to read about it once... not over and over and over again! You may just be my new favourite blogger to date. So thanks.

    now... excuse me ... i have to go take a poo.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Amen, sister! I agree with all of these. Hopefully we can all browse in peace now that the world has been notified.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I once dedicated a whole blog post to comment verification. I didn't know it was turned on and I wonder if other people have the same problem. Its automatically ON!! You have to turn it OFF!!! Spread the word.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Love these rules, I love the parents on facebook one

    ReplyDelete
  18. Freakin' genius. I can't even choose a favorite because they're all important. By the way, you typed "explanation" marks rather than "exclamation" marks. I just really want to be a member of your internet police force, so I felt I needed to prove myself worthy. ;) Last emoticon, I swear.

    ReplyDelete
  19. As I was reading these, it's possible I sounded like I was engaged in sexual activity. I'd say "yes!" and then read the next and say "yes!" (louder) and so on and so on until I was at the very end screaming OH MY GOD YES.

    I'm totally fine with all of that though because you're oh so right. And now I'm off to post these so that everyone in the world can see them (or at least the few people who I'm actually friends with on facebook).

    ReplyDelete
  20. Haha, love these observations - so true! Spoilers are one of my biggest pet peeves, especially the Monday morning quarterbacking of a Sunday night show - give the rest of us a chance to watch, yo! Also hate the vague-booking you mentioned and complaining about significant others - the internet is no place for airing dirty laundry. What a nice place Facebook would be without all the idiocy! :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. Wow - this is a pretty harsh list of telling people how to behave on their own sites. If you don't like reading/looking at those types of things then maybe you just shouldn't. But it's pretty rude to make a list of things that you think should never be allowed ever.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Thanks for the giggles. Now for the internet offenders anonymous:

    Hi my name is Hailey and I overuse exclamation points and have a black background (cringe).

    ReplyDelete
  23. I think someone skipped over #6. ^

    If you're hiring, I will gladly apply to help enforce the rules...I LOVE them!

    Although, I do use exclamation points a lot. BUT- only when I'm really serious about exclaiming a point.

    How's this for TMI? A woman who posted photos of her deceased newborn baby who was born at 20-something weeks. It was gross and disgusting and was inappropriately displayed as her profile pic for about a year.

    ReplyDelete
  24. By the way, I'm totally going to quote you on my blog.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I was almost bouncing up and down I was agreeing soooo much with ALL of this! Oh my gosh, these rules need to be posted for ALL to see! I may just need to link a post on my FB to this because people need to know the rules haha!

    ReplyDelete
  26. This was seriously brilliant, although I may have broken a rule or two. Can we add another rule about "no-reply bloggers" please? That would be PERFECT.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Haha love them. Agreed, totally!

    Although, I am very very guilty of #6. I post way more than 20% about my dog. I'm not even a little sorry about it though...
    Guilty of too many moustaches too. But my best friend's band is called 'Stache, I can't help it. I'd promise to be better, but that's definitely a lie!

    ReplyDelete
  28. This was SO GREAT. For almost every one, I was like, "that's so true. Oh my gosh that's so true! That's SO TRUE."

    Great post!

    ReplyDelete
  29. This is hilarious and so true, I completely agree! Especially number 4. What does amazeballs even mean? Now if only we could get everyone on the internet to agree to these terms.

    Colleen
    Daybydaydarling.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  30. Internet offender right here --->

    Although, when I was first reading through the list, I was making a mental note of who on my Facebook the rule pertains to. ha! Then I got to number 18, the exclamation point rule, which I am a HUGE violator of. What can I say, I'm a happy person!! ;0)

    I really want to post this list as my status on Facebook. It was pretty amazeballs - you go girl.

    Oh and "amazeballs" is a word that Guilana Rancic uses a lot. That makes it okay!

    ReplyDelete
  31. I love your list. Just started following. I would like to request that your police the "Countdown to XYZ event, every day, starting at 365 days out" and the "Here is a picture of my uterus for the world to see" posts.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Jessica12:13 PM

    I love your blog! You are so funny, however I must point out that you did break rule number 21 in rule 6. You wrote "I hate to say it, but their is a similar rule for your kids." Their should be there. :-) (I only used one emoticon, lol!)

    ReplyDelete
  33. I like this, especially numbers 1-21 :)

    ReplyDelete
  34. Darn I did the moustache thing last week... fail.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I LOVE THIS! I could not be more over the mustache trend (which I didn't even get in the first place). We have rules you have to follow if you want to live in a certain country or town, why not if you want to live virtually on the internet, I ask? It would be a much better place if we did.

    P.S. Would love to trade buttons if you're up for it1 Once I figure out how to put yours on my blog...I'm not exactly internet savvy...which may be why I don't flout the rules. Best to keep a low profile till you know what you're doing!

    Bethanee @ thebblife.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  36. So glad you stopped by my little blog earlier today, because it led me to your lovely blog :) Can't wait to read more from you as I follow along. Also, love your internet rules <--- I had to use a lot of self control to not add !!! after that.
    Have a wonderful week
    Katie
    abritandheryank.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  37. I will second these rules and vote aye to them. :)

    ReplyDelete
  38. Bonnie,

    I love this post. Thank you for putting these things in print for all of us who want to make sure if we are using blogosphere, we are at least abiding by the social mores. As a fellow public school teacher, I applaud you for teaching those sophomores - I taught juniors and seniors, and have to say a special person is required for sophomores! They are not quite all engaged yet in the learning process. Blessings to you!

    ReplyDelete
  39. Omg. I love this. Love! #1 a, b & c drive me seriously crazy. Unfortunately, I have personally violated #3, and my husband actually says things like "amazeballs" out loud, sooo..... Lol

    ReplyDelete
  40. This is hilarious. I think it's noteworthy to add that it is equally annoying when the people on fb who cry for attention won't tell the story after someone asks. Then people who do know what's going on come to weigh in and it's so ridiculous, but you can't stop thinking about what in the world their problem is even though you haven't seen the person in 10 years.

    ReplyDelete
  41. This is hilarious. I think it's noteworthy to add that it is equally annoying when the people on fb who cry for attention won't tell the story after someone asks. Then people who do know what's going on come to weigh in and it's so ridiculous, but you can't stop thinking about what in the world their problem is even though you haven't seen the person in 10 years.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Love your blog! I've been wondering where he heck amazeballs came from too. Not a fan!

    ReplyDelete
  43. well you must have written this post for me. I have never understood FB and I keep asking my kids about it and they are vague enough with their answers to assure me they do not want me to know the answers...every party I go to the moms talk nonstop about their kids friends stuff from Facebook....I am not one bit interested in all I am supposedly missing....
    i am your newest follower..pls follow back if you can.

    ReplyDelete
  44. OMG!!! You are so funnny!!! I totally live your fabulous blogg!!! OMG lets go to the mall!!!! :) lol

    Loved this and im gonna get a lot of citations cause poos a funny topic sorry ;)

    ReplyDelete
  45. I want to let you know, I nominated you for "The Versatile Blogger Award". As always, no requirement to participate but you're welcome to it! Hope you have a great day.


    http://everydayisyourrunwayownit.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-versatile-blogger-award-thanks-becca.html

    ReplyDelete
  46. Haha Bonnie you are too funny! I would love to share these on my blog!

    danielleatpurejoy.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  47. I'm probably way to much of a Kardashian fan, but Khloe says amazeballs on twitter! and the host of e! news uses it, too. So i'm assuming that is where it started from!

    But this list is hilarious! I literally was smiling the entire time. I love it!

    ReplyDelete
  48. Oh my gosh! I love this so much! And I completely agree. I admit though. I do struggle with smiley faces and exclamation points. I am generally excited person. haha. But I will try harder for your sake. :) <<see? Just one.

    ReplyDelete
  49. This is so true, I love it. "d. Like your own statuses. Nuff said." hahaha

    Thanks a million for the follow, I'm following back I love your posts!

    Brittney @ The Sweet Life

    ReplyDelete
  50. hahahahhahaha

    awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  51. I'm guilty of the pictures of food :/

    ReplyDelete
  52. Bahahahahaha! This is sooooo funny! I totally agree with you about "Amazeballs". A very, VERY wrong picture pops into my head when I hear/read it and I'll just leave it at that. No need to explain the image I actually see, it's gross! I'd say these are perfect rules for the internet. Go get 'em tiger!

    ReplyDelete
  53. this made me laugh out loud. i very much agree with a lot of these!

    thanks for following :)
    http://limeandsaltplease.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  54. Love the rules. My favorite though is #1 because I can't stand it when people write cryptic status updates in hopes of getting attention. Just say what's going on or say nothing at all.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Haha love this post! I hate word verification too. I usually have to do two or three different ones before my comment posts...annoying!

    <3 Jamie

    ReplyDelete
  56. I also hate amaze balls. Aaand ...bean paste?

    ReplyDelete
  57. Oops! I've actually done some of these no-nos. I agree with all of these and it's good that you first cited on facebook issues since everybody is doing facebook.

    ReplyDelete
  58. I break some of these rules. Honey badger don't care. I do what I want! Please don't hate me? Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  59. #4 -Im dying SO funny and I couldnt agree more. The 2nd #6 or well I guess it should be #7 - I also couldnt agree more! Come on people!! Lets be nice!

    #3,#8, #16 & #18 - TOTALLY GUILTY of these ones!! Especially the emoticon/exclamation mark one. Its so much of a habit. Sometimes I actually have to re-read through emails and delete some of the :) and !! so I don't sound like an overly excited freak. ;)

    (As for the one about food... Ive been on a weight loss journey, and people often ask me what I eat. So I do instagram pics every so often. It answers their questions and helps keep me accountable. I do realize its annoying though.. even my sis made fun of me! HA

    ~Maria-Isabel
    www.agapelovedesigns.com

    ReplyDelete
  60. I broke #15 today. And I'm pretty bad with the exclamation marks in my comments. Oops!

    ReplyDelete
  61. Just found your blog and I love this. I am only guilty of one of these infractions and it's only because I DON'T have a personality outside of my kiddos. Just because I know you are an English teacher, there is a typo in one of your #6s and it is in reference to your #21. But nobody's perfect-- great post!

    ReplyDelete